Wednesday, August 02, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Amazon is developing a series where slaves are given some of the Southern states as reparations. Although Amazon customers are more interested in reparations for all the cheap crap they wasted money on buying from the company all these years.

Amazon is developing a series where slaves are given some Southern states as reparations. Which hits home for Amazon workers seeking payback for years of minimum wage work to make Jeff Bezos one of the wealthiest people on the planet.

A study says one third of U.S. adults had prescriptions for opioids in 2015. Which has changed so that 100% of the adults want painkillers after the 2016 election.

Puerto Rico is betting that legalized medicinal marijuana will ease their economic crisis by creating tens of thousands of jobs. That would make it so the entire territory would then have as many as tens of thousands of jobs.

Puerto Rico is betting that legalized medicinal marijuana will ease their economic crisis by creating tens of thousands of jobs. That would go along with the territory’s other main industry of growing illegal marijuana.

Puerto Rico is betting that legalized medicinal marijuana will ease their economic crisis by creating tens of thousands of jobs. If nothing else it would give people there something else to do other than drinking rum all day.

Germany is testing facial recognition technology at train stations for security. The system is able to identify people who are not Germans by the way they have a facial expression other than a scowl.

A mysterious bright white glow was reported over the George Washington Bridge earlier this week. It has been described as a UFO, a cloud or possibly the ghost of Chris Christie’s political career.

Two pilots with an Algerian airline have been suspended for letting a 10 year old boy “fly” their plane briefly. The worst part was when one of the pilots asked the boy if he liked watching Gladiator movies.

A survey says the number of TVs per household in the U.S. has dropped from 2.6 to 2.3. Mostly so there is at least one room that is freed up for people to get away to when “2 Broke Girls” comes on.

A survey says the number of TVs per household in the U.S. has dropped from 2.6 to 2.3. Which isn’t that much of a change compared to in the same time landline phones went from around five per house to zero.

A lawsuit says Fox News worked with the Trump Administration to make up a fake news report. Which is no surprise for anyone who has seen any of the coverage of Donald Trump on the network since he declared his candidacy.

China is warning Donald Trump about North Korea to “not stab us in the back.” To which Trump is saying that only happens to anyone taking a job in the White House.

Venezuelan opposition leaders were dragged from their homes and thrown into jail. It’s so bad that President Maduro’s rule is being compared to a combination of Mussolini and United Airlines.

Soda consumption has dropped to a 31 year low. Mostly because with the economy, job market and political atmosphere, people find it much more effective these days to switch over to just drinking alcohol.

Scientists say they have found the brain’s “on switch” for burning fat. Which is different than the “off switch” for burning fat which is ironically the on switch for a smartphone, tablet and laptop.

A photographer has won a $1 Million defamation lawsuit against a married couple that was unhappy with her work. Especially when her photos made the couple each realize they had just married an ugly spouse.

Chris Christie has signed a bill giving New Jersey state workers back pay for the recent government shutdown. The only problem is for the workers who can’t unsee the images of Christie spending that time on the beach in a bathing suit.

The DEA administrator says Donald Trump’s remarks about treatment of suspects “condoned police misconduct.” To which Trump says he only meant rough treatment is acceptable when removing a Communications Director or Chief of Staff.

Trump Administration officials are attending weekly Bible study classes at the White House. Mostly so they can all be able to reaffirm their belief in Donald Trump.

Jared Kushner says the Trump White House is “too dysfunctional” to have colluded with Russia. Which is very reassuring to Americans to know that government officials are not corrupt because they are too incompetent to pull it off.

Prince William and Princess Kate are being urged to stop having children in the name of climate change. No one even knew they were planning to name their next child after a greenhouse gas.

Prince William and Princess Kate are being urged to stop having children in the name of climate change. Which means that same group is declaring a global catastrophe with the Octomom.

Pakistani lawmakers have elected a Prime Minister who is likely to step aside after 45 days. Which is a record of longevity that can only be dreamed about by anyone serving in the Trump Administration.

A report says immigrants make up 22% of the federal inmate population. Which are pretty much the only ones that Donald Trump doesn’t mind having in the country.

A new rule would ban most Americans from traveling to North Korea. Now all they need to do is come up with a rule that keeps Dennis Rodman from coming back.

A new rule would ban most Americans from traveling to North Korea. Is that really necessary? That’s like telling people not to walk through New Orleans at 3:00 AM carrying a satchel full of cash.

China’s sharing economy is the biggest in the world with 600 Million Chinese using a sharing service last year. Mostly because in a country of 1.3 Billion people, it’s tough to do anything without sharing even if you don’t want to.

Jared Kushner has stepped down from 266 corporate positions to work in the White House. Which is different from what most people think of when they are told to take the “corporate position” which is pretty much grabbing your ankles.

United Airlines won a false imprisonment lawsuit brought on by a frequent flier. United says it does not imprison people against their will and that the airline draws the line at beating them while dragging them kicking and screaming off a plane.

The proposed Marijuana Justice Act would end pot prohibition in the U.S. The problem is that even a bunch of stoners can get something done faster than trying to push it through Congress.

California has set a goal of using 100% renewable energy by 2045. Especially if technology is available by then to create electric power by recycling used silicon breast implants.

American Airlines workers protested over pay and outsourcing maintenance work overseas. Mostly because when planes are sent overseas for maintenance, don’t they need to pretty much be maintained again by the time they get back?

GameStop has announced a plan to open on Thanksgiving. Which will give families the chance to relive the Pilgrims’ tradition of eating turkey and playing eight straight hours of “Grand Theft Auto V.”

Anthony Scaramucci missed a chance to delay paying millions of dollars of taxes on the sale of his investment firm. At least getting screwed like that lets him know what it is like to work under Anthony Scaramucci.

Anthony Scaramucci missed a chance to delay paying millions of dollars of taxes on the sale of his investment firm. His excuse was his mind was dizzy from being spun around so fast in the White House revolving door.

Sprint posted its first quarterly profit in three years. The company found out it can make much more money just by completely eliminating its customer service department.

Tuesday was National Girlfriends Day. Men spent millions of dollars on gifts, with some giving as much as half of what they own when their wives find out.

Jets rookie Jamal Adams says “the perfect place to die” is on the football field. Which playing for the Jets will afford him several metaphoric opportunities to do just that.

A newborn calk in Texas has facial markings similar to KISS frontman Gene Simmons. Which is ironic as both cattle and Simmons are famous for their knowledge of the importance of branding.

A newborn calk in Texas has facial markings similar to KISS frontman Gene Simmons. Which is ironic as every time Simmons takes the stage, three cows give their lives to provide him with the leather he is wearing.

MTV’s “Moonman” trophy is being transformed to a “Moonperson.” Which you think would have happened much sooner in the days when the network played videos with Boy George, Annie Lennox and Michael Jackson.

MTV’s “Moonman” trophy is being transformed to a “Moonperson.” Which is really big news for anyone still thinking it is 1985 and MTV is still relevant.

Kim Kardashian’s phone case company is being sued for $100 Million for patent infringement. Which would mean that each case sold so far would be valued at about $33 Million.

Kim Kardashian’s phone case company is being sued for $100 Million for patent infringement. The cases are said to make for better selfies, which people wouldn’t need to do if they would quit watching “The Kardashians” and get some friends.

Nationals pitcher Max Scherzer hit his first career home run and left the game with an injured neck. Probably from his head being in the unusual position while batting of watching the ball go somewhere other than in the catcher’s mitt.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell hinted there would be no more cold weather Super Bowls. Mostly because it’s a no-brainer people would rather party in Miami or L.A. than Minneapolis or Cleveland.

Falcons linebacker De’Vondre Campbell says he watches his team’s Super Collapse every week. Which makes it no surprise his DVD collection includes “The Towering Inferno,” “The Hindenburg” and “Titanic.”

Allen Iverson has apologized for missing a Big3 stop in Dallas over the weekend. Apparently he didn’t show up because he thought it was just a practice.

Ray Lewis has advised Colin Kaepernick to keep his non-football interests a secret. Like how Lewis has managed to go all these years without confessing to a double murder.

Ray Lewis has advised Colin Kaepernick to keep his non-football interests a secret. The only problem with that is where else but at a football game is Keapernick going to even have the opportunity to take a knee during the National Anthem?

Beyonce is reportedly interested in buying a stake in the NBA Houston Rockets. Or with her money, why stop at one team and just as easily just buy the entire WNBA?

Michael Jordan says he could beat LaVar Ball if he had just one leg. The only problem is that would cut Jordan’s income as Nike could get away by just paying him half.

The NFL is formally offering to study pot as pain management with the NFLPA. In fact, so far they have already gotten 1,696 offers to take part in any experiments.

The NFL is formally offering to study pot as pain management with the NFLPA. The only problem is that having stoned players on the field would mean Sunday afternoon games would wrap up sometime by Tuesday evening.

The NFL is formally offering to study pot as pain management with the NFLPA. The only problem would be the post-game interviews would take three hours to wait for the players to stop giggling long enough to answer a question.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, there you have it. Another day of dozens of jokes for your entertainment. Or just to kill a few minutes. Whatever. Many of you ask “How does he do it?” Even more say “Why does he do it?” And the vast majority are saying “There is still time to quit.” But I keep going, driven by the thought that some day I may actually be paid for this or somehow get a bigger audience. And that it keeps me busy and out of trouble. But more than anything, I do it because it is worth it when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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