Sunday, August 13, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump says he “won’t rule out” military action in Venezuela. Although it needs to happen soon before he builds the wall on the Mexican border so our troops can get there without having to find a way around it.

Southern nationalists are starting to argue for secession from the U.S. To which the north is saying that’s fine as it would take away enough of Donald Trump’s electoral votes to beat him in 2020.

Congressional investigators want to question Donald Trump’s personal secretary. It isn’t easy being a secretary for Trump. Just ask his Secretary of State, Secretary of Health, Secretary of Defense…

The world’s first try-before-you-buy sex doll is for sale in the UK. Apparently it gives users the same sensation of dating Paris Hilton.

A report says 74% of Americans say they have sent nude pictures of themselves to their lovers. To which Anthony Weiner is saying “Oh, so NOW it’s OK.”

California’s Yosemite Park is struggling to cope with traffic problems. Although it’s nice for city dwellers to be able to get away from it all but still have the modern amenities of gridlock, smog and road rage.

In a phone call to Donald Trump, China’s President Xi urged restraint over North Korea. The question now is who is going to urge restraint over China?

In a phone call to Donald Trump, China’s President Xi urged restraint over North Korea. Now all we need is someone to urge restraint by Trump over Iran, Venezuela, Russia, Cuba…

Pyongyang is warning that North Korea could reduce the U.S. to ashes at any moment. Which is what Al Gore has been saying about climate change for years, only that it will take a little longer his way.

A study says chimps can learn to play rock, paper, scissors. Which means they now have the basic skills needed to learn to negotiate with Donald Trump.

A 106 year old “edible” fruitcake was found near the South Pole. Which is amazing seeing how it was left behind because it wasn’t considered edible 106 years ago.

A 106 year old “edible” fruitcake was found near the South Pole. Apparently it was one of the few that was discarded before the owner was able to regift it.

A 106 year old “edible” fruitcake was found near the South Pole. That was really an extreme measure for someone to go that far so they could tell who gave it to them they ate it and get rid of the evidence.

A report says Al Queda has drawn a bulls eye on a new American target, its subways. Although apparently they misunderstood the concept as they hired as their new terrorism spokesperson Jared Fogle.

A report says Al Queda has drawn a bulls eye on a new American target, its subways. To which New Yorkers are saying the terrorists are welcome to try something if they are tough enough to deal with all the breakdowns, gropers and pickpockets.

The fired Google engineer says the company operates like a “cult.” At least that’s the definition he came up with when he looked it up on Google.

The fired Google engineer says the company operates like a “cult.” Which isn’t completely true as even cults usually have a membership of more than two women.

Men’s Fitness magazine says it will drop its published version. Which is ironic that a health magazine can only survive by tightening its belt.

A scientist is arguing that intelligent life goes extinct after becoming technologically advanced. Apparently we aren’t the first society at the risk of annihilation from crashing while texting.

North Korea is warning Donald Trump to “walk and act properly.” How bad is it when our country’s leader is being given statesmanship lessons from Kim Jong-un?

North Korea is warning Donald Trump to “walk and act properly.” Which is embarrassing even to 13 year olds who are told by their mother to stand up straight and quit mumbling.

A report says jobs in the restaurant industry are growing faster than those in health care. Although more people working in restaurants means more people eating out which means soon enough that will result in needing more healthcare workers.

A report says jobs in the restaurant industry are growing faster than those in health care. Although the two go hand in hand for anyone going to eat at Chipotle.

More than 100 white activist men marched in protest through the campus of the University of Virginia. Which went largely unnoticed at first as everyone assumed it was just a job fair sponsored by Google.

Pat Robertson was hospitalized after falling from a horse. Which some people say is God’s way of telling him “…and the horse you rode in on.”

The Pentagon is saying the White House should clarify Donald Trump’s comments on Venezuela. To which the White House says they are still trying to clarify his comments on healthcare, taxes, the economy, immigration…

U.S. diplomats in Cuba have suffered reported “health attacks.” The good news is the victims don’t care since Cuba has universal health care so they are better off than being at home worrying about Congress canceling their insurance.

A report says Donald Trump’s failure to staff Pentagon positions is slowing the defense industry. Mostly because Trump is holding off on hiring more generals until he is sure exactly which war he is going to declare first.

The fired Google engineer says women are less assertive and more neurotic than men. Although it wasn’t sure if he was talking about why they aren’t more successful in the tech industry or the reason he hasn’t had a date in six years.

Virtual Reality headsets at San Jose public libraries are being used to bring stories to life. And also keep patrons from having to listen to the stories of the homeless, drug addicts and perverts who are the libraries’ permanent residents.

HP is set to send a supercomputer into space. Isn’t that the way HAL got its start in “2001: A Space Odyssey”?

A DNA test reunited two brothers with their mother after 46 years. Which is bad news for the mother who is now obligated to buy 184 presents to make up for all the Christmas and birthday gifts they missed out on over the years.

A study says alcohol abuse is on the rise in the U.S., particularly with women and older adults. Mostly because those are the people who are most depressed about not being able to get a job with Google.

A poll says 4 out of 5 Americans say it’s time the GOP ended its efforts to dismantle Obamacare. People can’t understand their lack of success as they see how easy it has been for Republicans to completely dismantle the White House staff.

HBO reportedly offered $250,000 to hackers who stole company data. Apparently the money would have been enough to cover six months’ worth of HBO, HBO 2, HBO Comedy, HBO Family and HBO Zone.

Chelsea Handler is calling for a military coup to overturn Donald Trump. Fortunately for Trump, the military is too busy trying to figure out what they will be doing with North Korea, Iran and China.

Chelsea Handler is calling for a military coup to overturn Donald Trump. Fortunately for Trump, there were more people watching what was being offered on cable access than her show playing in the bowels of Netflix.

Taylor Swift’s former bodyguard says he saw the accused DJ reach under Swift’s skirt and grope her. Which may explain how watching it happen and not doing anything is why he is now her former bodyguard.

The University of Louisville is calling the NCAA penalties against them “draconian.” Which caused every single NCAA athlete to rise together and say “What does ‘draconian’ mean?”

Ronda Rousey says she is “unsure” about a future in the WWE. Which is no surprise as after her last two fights with Holly Holm and Amanda Nunez, Rousey wasn’t even sure who she was.

The Cowboys Ezekiel Elliott says he was surprised and disappointed he was suspended by the NFL for six weeks. He says it seems a bit harsh as he didn’t deflate even one football.

Google has donated $1.5 Million to the 4-H Club to teach its 6 Million members about computer science and push diversity. Also that the girls in 4-H are much more biologically engineered to raise horses than work at Google.

A U.S. firm has revealed a gun toting drone that can fire in mid-air. Which shows the competition between pizza delivery companies has finally gotten way out of hand.

China is targeting social media giants over spreading “rumors” and “porn.” To which other countries around the world are asking China “Have you never heard of social media before?”

The Governor of Guam says Donald Trump told him that the threats by North Korea will raise the island’s tourism. Meaning Trump’s plan with this North Korea standoff is nothing more than an opportunity to scout new locations to build hotels.

The Governor of Guam says Donald Trump told him that the threats by North Korea will raise the island’s tourism. The only problem is all the tourists will be wearing military uniforms and carrying machine guns.

The Governor of Guam says Donald Trump told him that the threats by North Korea will raise the island’s tourism. Just look at all the people flocking to Chernobyl to see how a nuclear disaster can turn a place into a vacation hotspot.

A study says being overweight or obese is tied to depression. Mostly from people eating when they are depressed, and getting depressed when they see the bathroom scale topping the 350 mark.

A report says Donald Trump’s attacks against Mitch McConnell are hurting his agenda. People were surprised at the news. Trump actually has an agenda?

North Korea says its conflict with the U.S. is a “tragicomedy.” And that is just when pictures of the haircuts of the two countries’ leaders are put next to each other.

North Korea says its conflict with the U.S. is a “tragicomedy.” Which Trump disagrees with as that makes his administration seem more like a prime time soap opera instead of the preferred TV Guide listing of reality show.

Mike Pence has just revealed his portrait as Governor of Indiana. Apparently he wanted to wait for the perfect time that falls after leaving that position but before taking over as President after Donald Trump is impeached.

The NAACP has issued a travel warning to minorities going to Missouri. The news was met with shock by Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia, whose leaders say they just need to start trying harder to keep up.

The NAACP has issued a travel warning to minorities going to Missouri. Not because of racism, but just asking what possible reason is there for anyone to want to visit Missouri?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Things are going crazy around this country. On one hand, it makes my job here a lot easier. On the other hand, I would rather have fewer jokes and a little more stability. Even the Sun is planning on going into hiding for a few minutes next week. I am sure things will calm down and get back to normal some time in the future. Until then, I will be able to cope just as soon as my do-it-yourself bomb shelter arrives from Amazon this week. Of course, I also find great comfort when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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