Friday, August 11, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump says his “fire and fury” statement about North Korea was not tough enough. He wishes he would have said something more incendiary like “We will do something really terrible to them and it will make them sad.”

Donald Trump says his “fire and fury” statement about North Korea was not tough enough. He was just worried that Hollywood already had a copyright on “Fast and Furious.”

Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu gave a defiant speech where he complained about “fake news.” To which Donald Trump said “Hey, that’s my line!”

Anti-tourism protests are spreading across Europe. Donald Trump disagrees as he welcomes tourists to the U.S., the only problem is when they try to stay on longer than a couple of weeks.

A crazed fan rushed the stage at a Britney Spears show in Las Vegas. The problem was she tried to yell for help but is not used to ever have any sound actually coming out of her mouth when performing.

A Danish designer shocked Copenhagen by holding a nude fashion show. In other words, he wasn’t able to finish any of his outfits on time.

A billboard in Hollywood features all 42,412 nude scenes ever shot for movies and TV. The ironic part is that the project was delayed while the sign had to be erected.

An unexploded WWII bomb was found at the Fukushima nuclear power plant in Japan. Which ironically is the most stable item on the entire site.

A fat studies course at Oregon State University calls “weightism” a social justice issue. The worst part is when students taking the class do their reading by the light from the open door of the refrigerator.

A woman is suing an elite dating agency after spending $150,000 and ending up with disastrous matches who “cheat and lie.” Which is sad because she could have gotten that for free on Tinder.

 A woman is suing an elite dating agency after spending $150,000 and ending up with “disastrous matches.” Apparently the problem started when the first date they hooked her up with was Anthony Scaramucci.

A woman is suing an elite dating agency after spending $150,000 and ending up with “disastrous matches.” The problem was she kept getting fixed up with men who thought spending that kind of money for dates made her a moron.

Scientists say they have created a strain of mutant ants. Which most people know as “ants.”

Apple is facing antitrust complaints in China. Which in a communist country means that just a handful of government officials are monopolizing all the bribes.

A study says loneliness can be more dangerous than obesity. What’s worse is that there’s an inverse correlation between the number of pounds a person gains and the number of their potential dating partners.

A study says vegetarians are twice as likely to be depressed as meat eaters. Which is easy to understand knowing how it feels to be eating a broccoli and cauliflower and seeing someone at the next table wolfing down a cheeseburger.

A study says the future will include medically enhanced “elite super workers.” The worst part is that is the only way humans will be able to compete with the robots to get a minimum wage job at an Amazon warehouse.

Job seekers are urging Donald Trump to hire American workers at Mar-a-Lago. For one thing he could replace foreigners with all the Americans who he has fired from the White House.

Taylor Swift testifies at her groping trial and said of the accused, “He grabbed my bare ass.” Which is hard to believe the lawyers on both sides didn’t ask the court stenographer if they could read that passage back about a hundred times.

Taylor Swift testifies at her groping trial and said of the accused, “He grabbed my bare ass.” Which makes it hard to believe someone who writes lyrics for a living couldn’t come up with something a little more palatable to the ear than that.

The Bank of England says it will not scrap banknotes that contain traces of animal fat. It’s an economic issue, as more fat in the notes increases the number of pounds.

A report says Donald Trump’s “fire and fury” remarks about North Korea were unplanned. Which is a problem in that everything coming out of his mouth is pretty much unplanned.

The white Ford Bronco used in the O.J. Simpson slow-speed chase is up for sale. Which means ironically it could be bought by someone just in time when Simpson is released from prison to drive him back to L.A. in just over 34 hours.

A former director of QVC is being charged with defrauding the company of $1 Million that was used to buy gifts for him and his friends. Apparently he was turned in by his friends who were insulted the gifts he bought them came from QVC.

A former director of QVC is being charged with defrauding the company of $1 Million that was used to buy gifts for him and his friends. The worst part was when prosecutors said “You have just 10 minutes left to call and accept our plea bargain.”

A study says fines for illegal pollution have plummeted under Donald Trump. Which under this administration, anymore “illegal pollution” is an oxymoron.

Bill O’Reilly has launched an online news show where he compared Donald Trump to Dick Cheney. Which was right out of “The Wizard of Oz” in that one needs a heart, the other a brain and all the people working for them without a trace of courage.

The CDC says only one third of Americans use condoms. Which explains where the other two thirds came from.

Donald Trump has declared the opioid crisis a national emergency. Mostly because for many Americans it is the only way they can cope after watching the news about the economy, North Korea and the nation’s healthcare.

Scientists say they are getting closer to using pig organs for human transplants. Which is ironic for the people who are in such bad health from eating too much bacon.

Scientists say they are getting closer to using pig organs for human transplants. Which brings up the question of when our health issues are being treated using hogs, just how fat have we gotten?

A study says artificial sweeteners trick our brains. Apparently it works if they are making us somehow think that using them is helping us actually look thinner.

A Cuban acoustic device is being blamed for making a U.S. diplomat go deaf. Which the official says is still better than if they had tried to torture him playing a constant loop of “Macarena.”

 A Cuban acoustic device is being blamed for making a U.S. diplomat go deaf. It has been called the most annoying Cuban noise since Mark.

A norovirus outbreak tied to a donut shop sickened 200 people. The worst part is that it was the healthiest ingredient found in any of the donuts.

 A norovirus outbreak tied to a donut shop sickened 200 people. Which has already resulted in a trademark infringement suit from Chipotle.

Sharon Stone tweeted her audition tape from “Basic Instinct.” People are warned that when they watch the clip that it isn’t a shot of her smiling.

Mike Glennon compiled a 0.0 quarterback rating in his debut with the Chicago Bears. To which Colin Kaepernick says he could do better than that if he took a knee on every snap.

Donald Trump has been invited to the fight between Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor. Although he will probably turn it down, saying there is no way it could compare to the battles with Anthony Scaramucci, Sean Spicer and James Comey.

Nick Saban says balancing football and classes is just as hard as when he was in college. Meaning athletes are still expected to show up in the classroom at least two or three times each semester.

Nick Saban says balancing football and classes is just as hard as when he was in college. Meaning if you spend more time in class than on the field, you lose your scholarship and have to pay the balance of your tuition.

The first round co-leader of the PGA Championship is Thorbjorn Oleson from Denmark. With a name like that, when he says his favorite professional sports team is the Vikings he isn’t talking about football players in Minnesota.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suggested the length of the preseason is a problem. Although not as much as the length of the Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suggested the length of the preseason is a problem. Although not nearly as much of a problem as the length of time it takes officials to review every single instant replay challenge.

Michael Phelps was at the PGA Championship following around Jordan Spieth. The appearance is already sparking rumors of another overhyped contest with a Great White Shark, this time playing nine holes with Greg Norman.

Google has canceled a diversity meeting over concerns of online harassment. The company was worried there could be threats made to the three women, two blacks and Hispanic who work there.

The FBI says the Islamic State is using Ebay to funnel cash into the U.S. Apparently they are making a fortune while laundering it at the same time selling multiple pieces of Jesus toast.

Former Uber CEO Travis Kalanick is being sued for fraud. Apparently things are getting tough because the fraud isn’t over trying to get back control of the company as much as not giving the correct change to his most recent passengers.

Former National Security Adviser Susan Rice says a preemptive war with North Korea would be “catastrophic.” She says she will have the proof in another ten years or so when we finally get our troops out of Iraq.

Diane Feinstein says Donald Trump’s immigration policies are “cruel and arbitrary.” Which Trump disagrees with, saying those methods worked just fine when he used them on “The Apprentice.”

Diane Feinstein says Donald Trump’s immigration policies are “cruel and arbitrary.” To which Trump disagrees, saying they are not arbitrary because he hates all foreigners exactly the same.

Donald Trump’s Washington, D.C. hotel has already made a $2 Million profit this year. Mostly from its new slogan “It’s a nicer place to stay than that dump at 1600 Pennsylvania.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The weekend is here! I will be taking off a couple of days next week, but not to worry. I will still be taking the time to annoy you with a flurry of dated and monotonous drivel. You aren’t getting off the hook that easily. Tomorrow is a bittersweet day in that it would be my 23rd anniversary with my wife Karen, who passed away back in 2011 from Cystic Fibrosis. If any of you are looking for a charity to support, the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation does some great work and is getting very close to a cure and at least continuing to lengthen the life span of those who have it. Karen made it to 43 which was about 34 years more than the doctor gave her when she was diagnosed. There is no better way of showing all the people suffering from the illness that you are sending the love!



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