Thursday, August 10, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

An administration official says the National Security Council is engulfed in a “poisonous atmosphere.” Of all times for Donald Trump to take apart the EPA.

A survey says that more than 1 in 8 Americans are alcoholics. Those are the ones who just aren’t able to score a prescription of opioids.

A survey says that more than 1 in 8 Americans are alcoholics. Apparently they are waiting until they can finally get a job to have insurance that would pay for rehab.

An analysis says each Starbucks has four other locations within a one mile radius. You know it’s bad when people are complaining there just aren’t enough McDonald’s, 7-Elevens or Dollar Trees dotting the landscape.

A report says Mark Zuckerberg has big political ambitions. Which makes sense as it would be tough to outpoll someone who claims more than 2 Billion friends.

A report says Mark Zuckerberg has big political ambitions. He is the one person who understands the federal budget as his entire fortune is about the same amount of money the government spends in a week.

A report says Mark Zuckerberg has big political ambitions. The good part is his money didn’t come from Russians as much as from people all over the world who spend all day looking at what everyone ate for breakfast.

A British health scientists is advising people to eat more salt. At least doing that instead of sugar might cut back on all the UK tooth decay.

 A British health scientists is advising people to eat more salt. At least that is one way to at least give some kind of taste to British food.

A British health scientists is advising people to eat more salt. Mostly as a way to get everyone from cutting back on all their sugar and fat.

South Korea is introducing the world’s first robot tax. Which will soon just be called an income tax when they end up taking everyone’s job.

Oregon has become the fifth state to raise the age of buying tobacco to 21. Which won’t have much of an effect on anything as people in Oregon under 21 are saying “You can smoke something other than pot?”

The DHS says 23% of federal prisoners are illegals. As opposed to the other 77% who are in prison because they did something illegal.

A cyclist has been reportedly robbing Manhattan cabbies. Which is a perfect plan as it’s not like they can actually chase them more than a few feet before being stopped by gridlock.

A cyclist has been reportedly robbing Manhattan cabbies. The only problem is that thanks to Uber none of the cab drivers ever have more than $3 in their cash box.

A New York TV news anchor has set the record for longest time with the same TV station at more than 50 years. The way the industry is going, in two years the record with one station will be anyone keeping their job more than six months.

The doctor who discovered CTE says letting anyone under 18 play football should be considered child abuse. Although the question is how much better is the alternative of letting kids sit on the couch all day playing video games?

A study says pot users have a three times higher risk of death from high blood pressure. Not from the marijuana, but clogging up their arteries with all the pizza they eat when they get high.

Defense Secretary James Mattis is warning North Korea of actions that could lead to the “end of the regime” and “destruction of its people.” To which the North Korean people are saying “Promise?”

The State Department says Donald Trump is on the “same page” as U.S. officials on North Korea. The problem is that page is from the script of “Dr. Strangelove.”

UK journalist Alison Smale has been named the new U.N. communications chief. Which is too bad since there are three or four people with that experience right out of the White House who are looking for work.

Tiger Woods pleaded not guilty to DUI and will enter a diversion program. Which is ironic as after that Thanksgiving in 2009 his whole life has been one big diversion.

A retired Navy admiral says North Korea sees nuclear weapons as a “survival mechanism.” Mostly because there is a term for full scale nuclear war in North Korea. “Urban renewal.”

Wal-Mart is testing an app that allows customers to skip the checkout line. Or as Wal-Mart shoppers who already do that know it better as shoplifting.

Wendy’s restaurant renovations have delivered a sales boost. Or as McDonald’s workers call a store renovation, cleaning off the dining tables once in awhile.

A report says the odds of someone winning both the Power Ball and Mega Millions lotteries is one in 75.6 quadrillion. Which is coincidentally exactly the same odds as the Senate ever finally passing a healthcare bill.

A report says the odds of someone winning both the Power Ball and Mega Millions lotteries is one in 75.6 quadrillion. Those are exactly the same odds as the average high school student being able to correctly write out the number 75.6 quadrillion.

A study says that two thirds of American kids can’t find North Korea on a map. Which is ironic as those are exactly the same children who will end up going over there to fight when we declare war on them.

A study says that two thirds of American kids can’t find North Korea on a map. What’s worse is that they are looking for it on a street map of Chicago.

A survey says 33% of Millennials want to buy a home for a large part because of their dogs. Mostly so when they ask them what it is over their head, they say “Roof!”

A survey says 33% of Millennials want to buy a home for a large part because of their dogs. Mostly because they know when they eventually have a wife and children, they can keep them all happy just by giving them an iPhone.

CVS is being accused of jacking up drug prices for people who have insurance. Mostly because the people who don’t have insurance probably don’t have a job and any money to pay for drugs in the first place.

A study says sex burns an average of 100 calories. To which most men say that isn’t bad for three minutes of work.

A study says sex burns an average of 100 calories. It can even be more depending on how far her husband chases you when he comes home from work early.

A study says people can lose up to 14 pounds a year by cutting back on how much soda they drink. The only problem is then how to lose the other extra 275 pounds.

A study says yoga may boost aging brains. The problem is getting the aging body around the brain to actually be able to contort its way into any yoga positions.

Kate Upton in an interview offered practical advice on enjoying life. First, you are born looking like Kate Upton. Then you marry a professional baseball player and “Voila!”

A report says refugee doctors in the U.S. are taking menial jobs like driving taxis. Mostly because they are too afraid after what they have read to be an Uber driver.

A survey says half of Americans are choosing to be cremated. Mostly because with global warming it’s so easy to have it done by just holding the funeral outside.

Oprah is launching a line of healthy comfort foods called “O, That’s Good” in supermarkets this fall. Because nothing says health food like something with a picture of Oprah Winfrey on the box.

Taylor Swift says she wants her groping case to set an example by suing the accused groper for $1. Which means the example she is setting is that you can grope Taylor Swift for only a dollar.

Jordan Spieth says he doesn’t feel any pressure in chasing a career Grand Slam this week at the PGA Championship. Although how much pressure can there even be on someone who just turned 24 and already has a net worth of $30 Million?

Jim Furyk revealed he has soreness in the muscles around his shoulder. Which could have happened on one of his downswings when he accidentally hit his shoulder on his ankle.

A report says a group led by Jeb Bush has dropped its bid to buy the Miami Marlins. How bad of a business deal could it have been to be declined by someone who spent $53 Million for each delegate vote in the 2016 presidential primaries?

A report says Tim Tebow brings in an additional 2,788 fans for each minor league game he plays. Or as the Oakland A’s call that, a pretty good homestand.

The NHL Dallas Stars are publicly opposing the Texas “Bathroom Bill.” Which brings up the question of does a hockey arena even have anything other than men’s rooms?

The NBA has announced two games will be played in Mexico City in December. Mostly because the league knows that even if Donald Trump’s wall is built before then, all of the players should easily be able to jump over it to get back.

Google searchers reveal that there is no link between rain and joint pain. Although there may be a link between warm weather and knee and hip pain, mostly from people on hot days getting off the couch to walk to the refrigerator for another beer.

Serena Williams received a backlash after saying going through childbirth will make her a “real woman.” Although most people think she proved herself as an “unreal woman” by serving a tennis ball at 130 mph.

Anthony Scaramucci says reporter Ryan Lizza is the “Linda Tripp of 2017.” Which he might want to reconsider, as that would then make him the new Monica Lewinski.

A federal judge has blocked a Louisiana law that would require a birth certificate to get married. Which some feel is a necessity there just to make sure the bride and groom don’t share a common parent.

The State Department has scolded Vladimir Putin for taking an “inappropriate” trip. How much collusion is there between the administration and Russia that we are now even in charge of their president’s travel agenda?

A report says “nuclear war” is dominating social media among tensions with North Korea along with “World War III” and “apocalypse.” And that’s just from Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

A report says “nuclear war” is dominating social media among tensions with North Korea. Or as anyone who didn’t vote for Donald Trump is saying, “We told you so!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I think today’s batch is unusually good. For a change. Beat you to that one. Some days the jokes are easier than others. Mostly depending on how many tweets are sent out by Donald Trump. I enjoy sending out the jokes for your enjoyment and I am glad you stop by every day to check them out. Feel free to tell your friends about the site and of course I get my reward when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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