Sunday, July 09, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says Generation Z, those born in the 1990s are now ready to enter into the work force. Which hopefully will end up differently than their forbearer Millennials who got into massive debt for a college degree that got them a job at 7-Eleven.

A report says Generation Z, those born in the 1990s are now ready to enter into the work force. The idea is to start earlier than past generations so they can have a chance to save enough to retire sometime before their 90s.

Sears says it is going to close 43 more stores. The news came as a surprise to many. There are 43 Sears that are still open?

Chris Christie may become a host on a sports talk radio station in New York City. With a 15% popularity rating, that gives him an inside edge by having about the same fan base as the New York Knicks.

A Delta flight attendant hit an unruly passenger over the head with a wine bottle. The scary part is that it was a Chianti that she was then going to finish along with some fava beans.

A Delta flight attendant hit an unruly passenger over the head with a wine bottle. Apparently the airline now offers wine in red, white or black and blue.

A Delta flight attendant hit an unruly passenger over the head with a wine bottle. Apparently it wasn’t enough when she told the traveler to put a cork in it.

A Delta flight attendant hit an unruly passenger over the head with a wine bottle. It turns out it was simply an audition to try to get a job over at United.

A former Google executive is at work building a high tech hat that she claims will make telepathy possible in eight years. Although some people are skeptical as it appears the hat is being made out of tinfoil.

Donald Trump says his daughter Ivanka’s life would be “so much easier” if he weren’t her father. He then promised a $50 Million donation to her World Bank fund, which reinforced to everyone just how tough she really has it.

Donald Trump says his daughter Ivanka’s life would be “so much easier” if he weren’t her father. Which at this point will pretty much be determined by how much he is planning to leave her in his will.

Ivanka Trump took her father’s seat at the G-20 summit when he had to leave. Some questioned her qualifications to sit in for him, especially when she went the entire time without insulting or threatening even one other world leader.

NBA star Taj Gibson was arrested in New York City for driving with an expired license. Who does he think he is, a cabbie?

NBA star Taj Gibson was arrested in New York City for driving with an expired license. The reaction was immediate from fellow players after he was arrested for an offense that didn’t involve guns, drugs or a DUI. “Rookie!”

Two Oklahoma men were arrested after fighting over which is a better movie franchise, “Star Wars” or “Star Trek.” Which was one altercation police immediately knew was not over a woman.

Two Oklahoma men were arrested after fighting over which is a better movie franchise, “Star Wars” or “Star Trek.” Police knew that was the issue when the combatants were using a flip phone “Phaser” and fluorescent tube “lightsaber.”

Two Oklahoma men were arrested after fighting over which is a better movie franchise, “Star Wars” or “Star Trek.” The fight was reportedly intense, with the two men first scowling, then glaring almost escalating to a shove.

Flights at JFK Airport in New York were delayed by the runway migration of turtles. Which when compared to JetBlue planes sitting on the tarmac for three hours, the turtles were described as at a full gallop.

A report says the FBI recently investigated complaints that Bobby Knight groped women during a visit to a U.S. spy agency. No one even knew that spy training now included learning how to get out of a jam by throwing a chair.

A report says the FBI recently investigated complaints that Bobby Knight groped women during a visit to a U.S. spy agency. The event could be made into a spy film called “Dr. No Means No!”

Arkansas is the only state to turn over voter data to the Trump voter integrity commission. The state says it doesn’t violate privacy issues since they pretty much gave them the information from 2 Million voters whose signature was an “X.”

A study says the average Baby Boomer has less than half the money saved they will need to retire. That’s at 65. The good news is that gives them 30 more years to work on it for their actual retirement age which is now more realistically 95.

A study says the average Baby Boomer has less than half the money saved they will need to retire. Which after paying for their kids’ college and parents’ nursing home will leave them in the category of “Nice try.”

The March of Dimes is selling their headquarters in New York for $13 Million. Which means they will be looking for a buyer who has filled up a lot of change jars at home.

The March of Dimes is selling their headquarters in New York for $13 Million. A report says one of the potential buyers looking at the property is 50 Cent.

Uber has been given four hours to depose Alphabet CEO Larry Page over a patent infringement case. Four hours was needed because the deposition will take place in Bay Area traffic at rush hour in the back seat of a Prius.

The IMF says Germans should retire later than the current age of 63. Which they point out that in the U.S. 63 is pretty much the age where people are finally paying off their college loans and are just thinking about starting to buy a home.

The IMF says Germans should retire later than the current age of 63. Although it would be easier to retire from working for BMW, Porsche or Mercedes Benz than being in the U.S. and trying to retire from Wal-Mart, Amazon or 7-Eleven.

An economist says quitting work to stay at home raising children could cost parents millions of dollars over the years. Along with their sanity, patience and wits.

An economist says quitting work to stay at home raising children could cost parents millions of dollars over the years. Not just in lost revenue but in the expenses for children including clothes, education and bail money.

An economist says quitting work to stay at home raising children could cost parents millions of dollars over the years. And that’s just the cost of buying each child the latest iPhone upgrade each year.

A Bay Area teen has been getting social media praise for her self-made prom dress. Apparently what makes it different from other prom dresses is that it is actually made to stay on all night.

Alabama officials are warning about flesh-eating bacteria being found in water around the state. It’s just too bad it wasn’t something less harmful for the people there, like a bacteria that only eats tooth enamel.

A sheriff in Ohio won’t allow his deputies to carry the overdose prevention drug Narcan. Taking away a potential life saving device like that is about the same as telling McDonald’s they can no longer have defibrillators in their restaurants.

A parasitic worm has infected ten people in Alaska from eating undercooked walrus meat. How do you serve walrus? Usually with a side of egg, man.

A parasitic worm has infected ten people in Alaska from eating undercooked walrus meat. Eating walrus meat? Apparently the restaurants there were fresh out of moose, penguin and polar bear.

Stephen Baldwin is set to host a road trip series on the RT Network. Baldwin was the obvious choice due to his experience traveling by road and knowing all the techniques to guarantee getting picked up while hitchhiking.

Actor Jeremy Renner reportedly broke both arms doing a stunt on the film “Avengers: Infinity War.” Apparently he got it completely backwards when someone told him to break a leg.

Actor Jeremy Renner reportedly broke both arms doing a stunt on the film “Avengers: Infinity War.” That is the most broken bones blamed on a movie since all the people injured stampeding to get out of the theater during “CHiPs.”

Actor Jeremy Renner reportedly broke both arms doing a stunt on the film “Avengers: Infinity War.” Although producers want to make sure everyone knows that a film called “Infinity War” has nothing to do with U.S. efforts in Iraq.

Lonzo Ball’s debut in Summer League included a miserable 2 for 15 performance from the field. All this time his dad was worried about how much money he would get from a shoe contract when he should have been making a deal with LensCrafters.

LaVar Ball says his son Lonzo already has the Rookie of the Year award clinched. Although after a 2 for 15 debut in Summer League, he may be more in line for Comeback Play of the Year for all the splinters he will by pulling out of his backside.

A report says the biggest complaint of consumers is over debt collectors. The ironic part is most of the collectors are trying to get payment for the hospital bills of people who had their legs broken for not paying off their other bills.

A report says the biggest complaint of consumers is over debt collectors. Mostly because those people need a big screen TV, swimming pool and country club membership to give them something to do while they are out of work.

Social media firms are being urged to tackle online body shaming. Ironically, those people wouldn’t be picked on for being so fat if they didn’t sit around in front of a computer all day looking at Facebook, Snapchat and Twitter.

High definition camera maker Red has announced they will soon be shipping the first 3D smartphone. The sad part is that even in 3D it won’t have the capability to take in Kanye West’s head and Kim Kardashian’s backside in the same photo.

Mike Pence is calling for the U.S. to return to the Moon and put boots on Mars. Why is it that this administration insists on making even space travel sound like a military invasion?

Donald Trump says the U.S. will have success in North Korea “one way or the other.” Meaning at this point he isn’t sure if it will be done using conventional or nuclear weapons.

Vladimir Putin says Donald Trump is satisfied with his denial Russia was involved in meddling in the 2016 election. Meaning Trump said “Did you do it?” to which Putin said “No” and Trump said “Good enough.”

Vladimir Putin says Donald Trump is satisfied with his denial Russia was involved in meddling in the 2016 election. Trump was also good with Putin saying he didn’t murder enemies, imprison dissenters and invade and occupy foreign countries.

The Air Force has launched an effort to stop a proposal in Congress to create a “Space Corps” through the Air Force. Apparently no one has explained to Congress that Klingons, Darth Vader and Palpatine are bad guys that are only in the movies.

Donald Trump has pledged $50 Million to a fund that will empower women in developing countries. Mostly because he has always said a woman can’t make it in Trump’s business world unless she is very well developed.

A survey says 73% of U.S. adults say that divorce is morally acceptable. The other 27% are the ones who forgot to have their spouse sign a prenuptial contract.

44 year old Pitcher Bartolo Colon has signed on with his tenth team, the Minnesota Twins. Not to say he has been around awhile, but some of his other teams include the Cincinnati Red Stockings, Washington Senators and Philadelphia Athletics.

Cleveland Indians Manager Terry Francona has been released from the hospital after a procedure to fix a condition causing a fast heart rate and dizziness. The only other cure would have involved moving out of Cleveland.

48 year old former NFL quarterback Todd Marinovich has joined the SoCal Coyotes in the developmental league following years of substance abuse and legal problems. Apparently the team is doing its best to put the “mental” back in developmental.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, there you have it. Another batch of top notch topical jokes for your pleasure. Or depending on your standards, more lame gibberish. Either way, they come to you free so there you go. I appreciate you checking in every day and admire your optimism. Just keep in mind I do this because my real reward is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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