Friday, July 07, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A 5.8 magnitude earthquake hit Montana. Not to say there are more cattle than people in the state, but the locals there refer to temblors as “steak and shake.”

Los Angeles, which used to host dozens of adult cinemas is down to only two. Apparently they are frequented by the only 40 or so people in the entire city who have never heard of the Internet.

Los Angeles, which used to host dozens of adult cinemas is down to only two. There wouldn’t even be that many if Pee Wee Herman hadn’t moved back into town from Florida.

A report says the staff at CNN is reeling after a leak of their personal information. Apparently the employees are worried the leak could expose embarrassing information. Mainly that they work at CNN.

France says it will end all sales of gasoline and diesel powered cars by 2040. At that point their air quality problems will be able to be taken care of by distributing bars of soap and cans of deodorant.

The federal ethics chief who clashed with the White House has announced he will step down. Mostly because being the ethics chief in this White House is like being the dentist for a hockey team in Alabama.

Elon Musk says the world population is accelerating toward collapse. Apparently he came to the conclusion there are too many people after spending four hours to take an L.A. freeway to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

Elon Musk says the world population is accelerating toward collapse. Although he is doing his part to cut the number of people by selling them Tesla cars that catch fire while driving and crash while on autopilot.

A study says the surface of Mars is more uninhabitable than previously thought. But just a few centuries ago the same thing was said and now Iraq has a population of 36 Million.

A study says the surface of Mars is more uninhabitable than previously thought. Which is a setback for the three people who thought colonizing Mars was actually an idea worth pursuing.

A study says extra-marital sex is increasing with people over 55. Which means the first sexual revolution was powered by the birth control pill, and all these years later the pill fueling the next sexual revolution is Viagra.

A study says extra-marital sex is increasing with people over 55. Which means women need to make sure when their husbands are spending time with the grandchildren, it isn’t to learn how to use a smartphone to get on Tinder.

Defense Secretary James Mattis says the recent North Korea missile test won’t bring the U.S. to the brink of war. That won’t happen until Kim Jong-un says something insulting about Donald Trump’s haircut.

A letter from Tupac Shakur to Madonna dated 1995 says race caused their split. Meaning when Tupac woke up and saw how Madonna looked in the morning, he had to race as fast as he could out the door.

A letter from Tupac Shakur to Madonna dated 1995 says race caused their split. Young people were surprised at the revelation. People used to write letters?

Donald Trump says Russia likely hacked the U.S. election but “nobody knows for sure.” And it will stay that way as long as he is able to keep any of his White House staff off the witness stand.

A mom says United Airlines forced her to fly three hours with her son on her lap after his seat was given to another passenger. Which wouldn’t have been that big of a deal except that her kid is 17.

A mom says United Airlines forced her to fly three hours with her son on her lap after his seat was given to another passenger. People were shocked. Usually it takes three hours for a United flight to just get off the tarmac.

The press van in Donald Trump’s motorcade reportedly got lost on way to Trump’s meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Their first mistake was using the directions given personally by Trump to the crew from CNN.

A report says the TSA failed to detect 95% of prohibited items at a Minnesota airport. Just imagine the security risk caused by all those people walking around with a full three ounces of liquid.

A report says the TSA failed to detect 95% of prohibited items at a Minnesota airport. It was the biggest security breach there since Larry Craig was left unescorted to go use the bathroom.

Uber has enabled passengers to tip their driver for the entire U.S. and Canada. The ability to be tipped while working for Uber is about the same as being promoted from busboy to waiter at the Olive Garden.

Uber has enabled passengers to tip their driver for the entire U.S. and Canada. Because who doesn’t want to give an extra reward for having to listen to an arrogant graduate student driving you through downtown traffic in the backseat of a Prius?

A Harvard study says the number of Americans who can’t afford housing is up 146%. Which is still less than the number of Harvard students who will pay off their tuition loans before they reach 70.

A Harvard study says the number of Americans who can’t afford housing is up 146%. Which is still lower than the number of Americans who can’t afford their car, utilities, taxes, food, education…

Amazon has partnered with a winery to sell its own line of wine. Mostly for the people who need a drink when they realize how much they have been spending on all the cheap crap they have bought on Amazon.

Amazon has partnered with a winery to sell its own line of wine. The typical Amazon quality will be evident when you smell the bouquet coming through the twist-off cap on top of the cardboard container.

A report says renewable energy has surpassed nuclear power in the U.S. for the first time in decades. Although the Trump Administration considers nuclear fuel reusable as it can make electricity and then be converted into the solution to North Korea.

A survey says most Republicans like the idea of Medicaid. Mostly because they see it as a way for the domestic help to get the medical care they need so they don’t miss any time cleaning the house.

A proposal before Congress would water down the requirements needed to become an airline copilot. It will make it so the only qualification will be just having the strength to help drag any passengers down the aisle of the plane.

A study says poor sleep is linked to a higher risk of developing Alzheimer’s Disease. Although it is suspected some men are faking it when they say it is dementia causing them to lose sleep by always winding up in the wrong bed.

A study says smoking in movies aimed at the young is increasing. The most obvious example was the sequel to “Frozen” which is being billed as “Now in cool menthol.”

A study says cigarettes in movies aimed at the young are increasing. The studios are denying it, with Disney saying all the smoking in “Cars 3” is strictly due to an oil leak.

A study says cigarettes in movies aimed at the young are increasing. Although studios are saying the only reference to “butts” they have seen in recent kids’ movies is in the film “Captain Underpants.”

A Dartmouth student has been diagnosed with the mumps. Although some medical experts say the swelling around their face looks more like they were hit in the mouth by a dart.

A study says there is no difference in the well-being of kids who are raised by single moms. Mostly because they are exactly the same as two-parent homes where they just keep their kids occupied all day with electronic devices.

A study says heart failure patients are living longer. The latest breakthroughs make their hearts strong enough to survive, at least until they get the bill from their cardiologist.

A 79 year old Illinois couple surprised their family by training for and finishing a 5K race. The biggest surprise was telling everyone to wait for them at the finish line and not realizing they would get there three days later.

Researcher in Australia have come up with a psychological profile of online trolls. The most common features are multiple marriages, a high opinion of themselves and living in a large White House.

Jon Stewart will cohost ESPN’s SportsCenter during the Warrior Games. Apparently he will handle the announcing from the media side in the event where different politicians try to wrestle with various reporters from CNN.

The show “Dear White People” is being renewed by Netflix. It is a show about a mythical Ivy League school but the title is misleading viewers into thinking it is a reality show about the Trump Administration.

A report says a bid to buy the sole copy of a Wu-Tang Clan album almost cost “pharmabro” Martin Shkreli his life. Which would have been upsetting news to pretty much nobody.

Lauren Conrad from “The Hills” and her husband William Tell are new parents to a baby boy. The scary part for the kid is having a dad named William Tell and wondering what to do when he suggests putting an apple on his head.

Cubs outfielder John Jay was used as a relief pitcher in a game and threw one offering at 47 miles an hour. Even 50 Cent was saying he may have given up his dream of pitching in the majors too soon.

Roger Federer says he was nervous taking Center Court at Wimbledon for his second round match. Not to say he is getting older, but apparently his concern was finishing before 4:00 so he could make it to the Early Bird Special on time.

Mike Trout has started rehabilitation on his injured thumb. The worst part will be having to go through treatment with a bunch of 13 year olds who will be asking him if he was hurt playing a video game or texting.

Phil Mickelson’s former caddie Jim “Bones” Mackay has taken a job broadcasting for the Golf Channel. The only concern was putting him in front of the teleprompter and seeing if he had the ability to read anything other than a green.

Phil Mickelson’s former caddie Jim “Bones” Mackay has taken a job broadcasting for the Golf Channel. Getting off the bag will mean being like everyone else and just having to put on a bib when ordering lobster.

Researchers have released a code that allows robots to detect human body language. Which will mostly be the slumped shoulders, lowered head and teary eyes when the people find out the robot has just taken their job.

Mike Pence gave a speech where he said the U.S. will “once again lead in space.” Which is nice to see the Trump Administration is still on target with taking the nation back to 1967.

QVC is buying the Home Shopping Network for $2.6 Billion. It would have been even more, but they were able to call the 800 number just before the time clock on the screen ran out.

A startup is offering to fight people’s traffic tickets for a fee. Now if someone could only devise some sort of program that would be able to take on a case and win against Judge Judy.

More than 100 of the biggest YouTube stars have signed a letter to the FCC defending Net Neutrality. The only question was how was anyone even able to get all those signatures from piano-playing cats and cracker-eating hamsters?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s a special day for me today. 18 years ago I was in a birthing room in a Syracuse, New York hospital as my wife gave birth to our daughter Summer. She has turned into a fine young woman who just graduated high school and is heading off to Marshall University next month. I couldn’t be more proud of her. She is a great student, a wonderful piano player, a Black Belt in Karate and quite an artist. She also has a very caring heart and a great sense of humor. She has managed to accomplish all that after losing her mom six years ago when she was at the very critical age of 11. I couldn’t be more happy to have her has my daughter and her mom would also be so proud of how she turned out. And what could be better for a joke writer than to have a child enroll at the alma mater of the late, great Soupy Sales? Just four more years and she will be on her way. That makes me even happier than when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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