Wednesday, July 05, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

North Korea launched a ballistic missile that flew 600 miles in 40 minutes. To which United Airlines said “Showoffs!”

North Korea brought back a 70 year old veteran news reader to describe the launch of a ballistic missile. To which Larry King said “Darn kids are taking away everyone else’s job!”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, after taking a beach vacation while closing state beaches during a government shutdown told reporters he “didn’t get any sun.” To which it was assumed neither did anyone within 150 yards of where he was sitting.

A Stanford professor says within 30 years sex will not be used for procreation. Which was bad news for sports fans who realized that could make the NBA obsolete.

A Stanford professor says within 30 years sex will not be used for procreation. Which may be a good thing since smartphones have made it so people can’t even talk to each other let alone figure out how to be with another person for sex.

A Stanford professor says within 30 years sex will not be used for procreation. Which may be a good thing as who wants to repopulate the world with the offspring of all the people who meet each other through Tinder?

An Arizona man who just turned 100 says the secret to longevity is smiling. Mostly because if you do it enough, other people will assume you are crazy and just leave you alone.

A study says 252 orgasms a year could lower the death risk in men. At least until their wives catch them with the person helping them make that number.

A study says 252 orgasms a year could lower the death risk in men. The good news is to reach that number only takes most men a total time of less than 800 minutes.

Scientists say memory lapses are good for the brain. Except for the men who are hit in the head with a frying pan when they forget their wedding anniversary again.

Scientists say humans may have mated with Neanderthals as recently as 200,000 years ago. Apparently the connection was discovered just by checking out Sylvester Stallone’s family chart on ancestry.com.

Reports say Americans celebrated the 4th of July with leisure, gluttony and alcohol. In other words, it was pretty much the same as the other 364 days out of the year.

Fire broke out on a floating nuclear plant in a Russian shipyard. Now, what part of “floating,” “nuclear plant” and “Russian” should have made people stop and question what about any of that was a good idea?

A homeowner in Virginia honored the country on the 4th of July with a display of Revolutionary War flags. While the rest of the South celebrated like any other day with their permanent display of Confederate flags.

World Champion Peter Sagan was disqualified from the Tour de France after elbowing another cyclist. Apparently he hit him so hard he almost made him drop his hypodermic needle.

The Chase Bank computer system was down most of Monday. Which was good news for customers who were able to make it all the way through the holiday without being able to be notified their account is overdrawn.

The Chase Bank computer system was down most of Monday. That was bad news for the three people who tried to use an ATM for the holiday who actually have some money left in their Chase account.

Joey Chestnut won his tenth Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest on the 4th of July, finishing off 72 hot dogs in ten minutes. Which after eating 72 hot dogs on the 4th of July, most Americans would say “So when are the steaks going to be ready?”

Joey Chestnut won his tenth Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest on the 4th, downing 72 hot dogs in ten minutes. The difference between him and every other American is he wasn’t wearing a wife-beater and holding a beer in his other hand.

Goldman Sachs says the yearlong low volatility market will only be ended by a war or recession. To which everyone is saying “You mean like since 2001?”

The Illinois Senate has overridden the Governor’s veto of a budget package in an effort to save the state’s credit rating. The saddest part is when the state even got a sympathy letter about their budget problems from the Governor of Puerto Rico.

A new product offers chocolate for people to snort for an energy high. It will be a throwback for some people who haven’t had chocolate going through their nostrils since they were kids and laughed while drinking chocolate milk.

Prosecutors are seeking a gag order against “pharma bro” Martin Shkreli at his fraud trial. Which is ironic as he wouldn’t be on trial in the first place if he had ever learned how to keep his mouth shut.

A report says Americans spent $1.5 Billion on beer and wine. Which is amazing anyone survives the holiday when you consider the people drinking all that alcohol were driving to a cookout, lighting the grill and setting off fireworks.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are set to meet, although there is reportedly “no specific agenda.” Although you know both in their own minds are thinking if nothing else, they could beat the other if it ever came down to an arm wrestling match.

A report says debt collection is going digital through computers. Although the mob is still going analogue as they can’t figure out how to program an iMac to break anyone’s legs.

A report says debt collection is going digital through computers. Although technically that happened years ago when debt collectors would come to the door and people would just give them their middle digit.

Americans’ average daily spending is nearing a nine year high at $103. Which doesn’t sound bad until you realize the average American makes $57 a day.

A report says China is displacing jobs with robots as wages have doubled in the past decade. It’s hard to imagine that in just ten years the average Chinese worker has seen their pay go all the way up to 36 cents a day.

A report says heartburn drugs are linked to health risks like kidney disease, bone fractures, pneumonia and heart disease. Which brings up the question wouldn’t it be a lot better to just deal with a little indigestion?

A report says heartburn drugs are linked to health risks like kidney disease, bone fractures, pneumonia and heart disease. Apparently the instructions for taking the heartburn drugs include smoking, drinking heavily and falling down the stairs.

A study says moderate drinking of alcohol is linked to changes in the brain. Isn’t that pretty much the point of moderate drinking?

A report says the U.S. fertility rate is at a record low. Which can pretty much be attributed to people staring at a computer screen for 16 hours a day and being too mentally spent to even think about having sex.

Whole Foods has recalled its chicken salad which instead contains tuna. Which shows that they are already preparing for when they are officially taken over by Amazon.

A study says men also have a biological clock when it comes to having children. Although men can reset the clock if they have enough money so when they are 60 they can still attract a 25 year old wife.

Ed Sheeran says he has quit Twitter because people on the site are “mean.” Apparently he made the mistake of setting his account to follow Donald Trump.

“Teen Mom 2” star Briana DeJesus is pregnant with her second child. Apparently she didn’t realize that wasn’t the reason the show has the number “2” in the title.

“Teen Mom 2” star Briana DeJesus is pregnant with her second child. Remember when the normal way to get on a TV show was to take acting lessons?

A report says Vladimir Putin’s inner circle pressured Ilya Kovalchuk to abandon his attempt at an NHL comeback. Apparently he was given a better deal that could only be offered by Putin, like being made President of the United States.

Colin Kaepernick tweeted he went to Ghana to find his independence. Which apparently means there aren’t any football teams there that would pick him up either.

Logan Taylor, a reliever with the Mets’ Triple A team in Las Vegas was reportedly attacked by a homeless man in Salt Lake City. People were shocked. Who would have ever thought Salt Lake City could be more dangerous than Las Vegas?

Major League umpire Angel Hernandez is suing the league for discrimination. Apparently he is claiming they violated the Disability Act by not making it so the locker room could accommodate his Seeing Eye dog.

A call has been made to ban sex robots made in the image of children. Because what kind of sickie would want to have sex with a robot that looks like anything other than a life sized adult Barbie?

Plastic surgeons say the biggest incentive for people wanting to change their appearance is to look good on social media. Which is ironic in that sitting around all day looking at social media caused them to gain all the weight that caused them to get plastic surgery.

A Ukrainian software firm had its servers seized by police following a cyberattack. The embarrassing part was when they found out the servers had stickers saying “Property of Hillary Clinton.”

Snoop Dogg says he loves Jay-Z’s new album “4:44.” The name of the album comes from the title track reportedly being written at 4:44 in the morning. As opposed to Snoop Dogg’s songs which are all written at 4:20.

The BBC is spending $44 Million to turn kids away from YouTube and Netflix. They are confused as to why children would watch those alternative sites instead of the fine BBC programming like “Downton Abbey,” “Doctors” and “Antiques Roadshow.”

A report says the happiest country in the world is Paraguay. Mostly because it is the only country on the planet that Donald Trump has not threatened with nuclear war.

New Jersey Senator Cory Booker says he “doesn’t know” if he will run for President in 2020. Which is political speak for Cory Booker unofficially announcing he will be running for President in 2020.

New Jersey Senator Cory Booker says he “doesn’t know” if he will run for President in 2020, saying his loyalty is to New Jersey and the job he was elected to carry out. Which is interesting as none of that ever seemed to get in the way of Chris Christie.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July. I had to work at my other (real) job although I did miss putting out the jokes for you and am glad to be back. It’s not like I have any kind of life that held anything else for me to spend my time on. The 4th of July is always a tough holiday for writers like myself as there is always the fear of what it would be like after setting off several boxes of fireworks to try and type with three fingers. But I did not meet that fate and have bee spared for another year of at least putting out my attempts at humor at a decent typing speed. While we are now all back from celebrating the birth of our nation, my biggest celebration is still reserved for the times when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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