Sunday, July 30, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus has resigned after Donald Trump says he wanted to move in “a different direction.” The entire Trump Administration is moving in a different direction, just like the Titanic after it hit the iceberg.

Sewer system failures are reportedly plaguing Mexican tourist districts. Apparently right at the critical locations where the sewers are routed back into the drinking water supply.

A study says sleeping less than seven hours a night can make people fatter. Especially if they are spending the other 17 hours in the day to standing in front of the refrigerator and snacking.

A Ferrari owner in the UK destroyed his new $288,000 car an hour after buying it. Apparently it happened while he was driving and texting friends to say “I just bought a new Ferrari!”

A study says Philadelphia has the most mice and rat infested homes in the country. Mostly because that’s the rodent Mecca for being the home of the Philly cheese steak sandwich and Philadelphia brand cream cheese.

Katie Couric is leaving Yahoo News after three years. She worked at all three networks, then went to the Internet. Not to say her brand is slipping, but all that’s left for her now is posting headlines of what she ate for breakfast on Facebook.

Katie Couric is leaving Yahoo News after three years, saying she is proud of her time there. Not to say Yahoo is not the most sought after news source, the word she was leaving surprised people who thought she had been placed in witness protection.

Kid Rock reportedly has a large lead in the Republican Senate primary race in Michigan. Mostly because of his health care knowledge after being married to Pamela Anderson and having a close call with catching Hep C.

Kid Rock reportedly has a large lead in the Republican Senate primary race in Michigan. The best part if he wins would be if former “SNL” member Al Franken introduces him to the Senate as “Tonight’s musical guest…”

Some Minneapolis restaurants are adding a surcharge to fund workers’ health care. Which may be copied by the area Chipotle restaurants only instead to cover the health expenses of their customers.

A 72 year old Bronx man was arrested after reportedly shooting his 28 year old wife who said he didn’t satisfy her financially or sexually. The question is, how did she think either of those would happen marrying a 72 year old man from the Bronx?

The CEO of Shell says his next car will be an environmentally friendly electric vehicle. Which he will use to drive to the airport so he can fly his private jet to his 50,000 square foot villa on the French Riviera.

Delta is testing automatic boarding gates at airports. Mostly as a way to keep workers from being assaulted by Ann Coulter the next time she doesn’t get the seat she wants.

Delta is testing automatic boarding gates at airports. The idea is being looked at by United also as a way to free up workers who don’t have time to help people onto the plane while they are dragging other passengers off.

A Chinese woman underwent plastic surgery to try to avoid $3.7 Million in debt. Ironically it was her use of plastic that got her into financial trouble in the first place.

Donald Trump told police officers in New York to “don’t be too nice” when loading suspected criminals into squad cars. He then offered to let them practice as much as they liked on Reince Priebus.

The Tennessee teacher who led police on a nationwide manhunt after running away with a 15 year old student has had his teaching license revoked. It’s just a good thing for the school district he wasn’t working long enough to have reached tenure.

The Tennessee teacher who led police on a nationwide manhunt after running away with a 15 year old student has had his teaching license revoked. Not only that, he has to write fifty times on the blackboard “I will not kidnap my students.”

An author claims the secret to falling in love is cleaning house. Which for women means going through each room and getting rid of all the deadbeat boyfriends.

An author claims the secret to falling in love is cleaning house. Mostly because a date coming over and seeing a clean apartment will immediately propose marriage knowing they won’t ever be expected to do any housework.

San Francisco and New York City have passed legislation making it illegal for employers to ask about previous salaries. Mostly because of the job seekers who are immediately disqualified if they have ever gotten paid more than minimum wage.

Chipotle stock is taking a beating following more customers contracting norovirus. The good news is investors can offset the losses by simultaneously putting their money into the pharmaceutical companies making the antibiotics to treat them.

Wells Fargo reportedly charged 570,000 car loan customers for auto insurance they didn’t need. Apparently bank officials told them they could just pay it off with money from the fake accounts the bank opened for them.

Sprint is pursuing a merger with Charter to make a media telecom powerhouse. That would combine their strengths so customers having a call dropped will wait seven working days to have the company respond.

Chicago’s soda tax will go into effect to combat health problems associated with sugar. If that’s the case, you would think a city that is on track for 700 homicides this year would forget the soda and impose a tax on bullets.

Environmental regulations will be waived for construction of a $10 Billion Foxconn electronics factory in Wisconsin. The plant will make smartphones that people can use to go online and post how their water now has the tangy flavor of mercury.

Laurene Powell Jobs’ group will buy The Atlantic magazine. Which is a nice gesture to workers there considering it was her husband who helped develop the technology that pretty much killed off the magazine industry.

A passenger rights group has won a court victory in keeping airline seats from shrinking even more. The credited the win on determination, persistence and making sure the case was heard by an overweight judge.

A passenger rights group has won a court victory in keeping airline seats from shrinking even more. Now they can get back to that other issue of keeping airlines from beating up travelers while dragging them off planes.

An Obama-era retirement program for workers has been killed off by the Treasury Department. Apparently it was too expensive to keep running for the few people who will actually make it all the way to the new retirement age of 93.

A Russian man wanted for money laundering  $4 Billion in Bitcoins was arrested in Greece. The only question is who did he find willing to take in $4 Billion in payments using Bitcoins?

The FDA wants to make cigarettes less addictive by lowering nicotine amounts. Which sounds like they will have as much luck if they tried to get been breweries to cut alcohol, Starbucks to slash caffeine and Krispy Kremes to quit using sugar.

A study says spending money on time saving services results in more life satisfaction. Which means there could possibly be a very lucrative business in charging money to stand in line for people at the DMV.

A report says 30,000 people go to the ER each year with injuries from amusement park rides. That’s not counting the heat stroke and diabetic shock from standing in the sun for eight hours eating churros while waiting in line to ride the Matterhorn at Disneyland.

A report says 30,000 people go to the ER each year with injuries from amusement park rides. That doesn’t even include the flesh-eating bacteria caught by people coming in contact with an open sore on a carny.

Nine people became ill at a party in Colorado from carbon monoxide in a rented video game trailer. Although that was still not as dangerous to their health as eating the party snacks and sitting for hours in front of a video game screen.

A report says prescribing generic eye drops for seniors could save millions of dollars. Especially when those people can finally see again and look at their old bills and realize how much they were being ripped off before.

A study says blowing out birthday candles on a cake increases bacteria on the cake by 14 times. Which is still more healthy than eating all the sugar and fat that is actually inside the cake.

A study says drinking wine is linked with a lower risk of diabetes. Which is obvious to anyone who has driven past skid row and noticed how slim and healthy all the winos always appear to be.

Kathy Griffin was exonerated over a video where she appeared to be holding Donald Trump’s severed head. Mostly because that was nothing compared to the Trump Administration rolling the heads of Reince Priebus, Sean Spicer and James Comey.

76ers guard Markelle Fultz says the team “will be in the playoffs this year.” Maybe what he meant is that thanks to the Phillies they at least may not be the worst team in Philadephia. 

76ers guard Markelle Fultz says the team “will be in the playoffs this year.” To which the Cleveland Browns, San Francisco Giants and Colorado Avalanche are saying “Hey, why not all of us?”

The NFL and NIH are ending their partnership to study concussions. Apparently after finding 110 of 111 deceased NFL players had CTE, the league is going with the same research group hired by Coca-Cola to say sugar isn’t a cause of obesity.

Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson says he wants to have a 25 year career in the NFL. The goal would be to have enough brain capacity left by then to at least remember one of those seasons.

Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson says he wants to have a 25 year career in the NFL. Which will be achieved through conditioning, diet and making sure not to take a knee during the National Anthem.

Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson says he wants to have a 25 year career in the NFL. Good luck. How many people are even able to play that many years on the PGA Tour?

A report says Baltimore Ravens fans are not keen on the team signing Colin Kaepernick. For one thing, it might not be a good idea for him to play in the city that is the location of the battle that was the inspiration of “The Star Spangled Banner.”

An app allows people to date celebrity lookalikes, with those looking like President Obama coming in 1st and Donald Trump 10th. People resembling Bill Clinton aren’t on the list because women wanting to date the real thing can find him on Tinder.

An app allows people to date celebrity lookalikes, with those looking like President Obama coming in 1st and Donald Trump 10th. Tiger Woods is in 6th, or women can just date the real guy by applying to be a waitress at Carrows.

Former World Chess Champion Garry Kasparov says humans should embrace the change smart machines offer society. Which is pretty magnanimous coming from someone who lost his title to a 7 year old using an iPhone app.

Stephen Hawking reportedly fears aliens looking to “plunder, conquer and colonize” the Earth. To which Donald Trump is saying “That’s why we need to build the wall!”

A study says in ancient Rome, lemons were rare and could only be bought by the wealthy. Which is different than today, when most anyone can now afford to take out a loan to buy their favorite Chrysler.

Donald Trump tweeted it is time to end the filibuster rule and just go with a simple majority for bills to pass the Senate. Which would make for a better argument if his healthcare plan actually got more than just 49 Senators voting yes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is almost August, which means at least one person I know will say “Can you believe it is August already?” To which I will say “Yes, because we just finished July and we had the previous ix months leading up to that. So, pretty much it has not been much of a surprise.” Which they will then tell me where to go which is too late because I am already there. And that is why I have no friends. But it is funny. The reality is, I don’t need any friends especially when I have all of you remembering to always keep on sending the love!



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