Friday, July 28, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Jeff Bezos temporarily became the world’s richest person on Thursday, passing Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. Which is ironic as Gates helped build the Internet and  Buffett helped it survive with investments so Bezos could use it to become rich selling cheap crap online.

Jeff Bezos temporarily became the world’s richest person on Thursday, passing Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. It only lasted a half day, which is the same amount of time it takes something bought on Amazon to break.

Twitter failed to grow an audience in the second quarter. Mostly because people who were attracted to the site because of Donald Trump are just too tired anymore to wake up at 5:00 am to read his latest rants.

A plane sized asteroid buzzed the Earth undetected last week. That’s no big deal. Plane sized planes go undetected at airports every day by napping air traffic controllers.

A study says too much sugar could increase the risk of depression in men. To which most people are saying “There’s such a thing as too much sugar?”

A study says too much sugar could increase the risk of depression in men. Mostly about the time they look down at the bathroom scale to see the needle going past the 350 pound mark.

Justin Bieber hit a paparazzo with his pickup truck in Beverly Hills. Which made everyone at the scene remember it wasn’t that long ago he was watching someone else run over the paparazzi from his car seat.

O.J. Simpson’s lawyer has filed a cease and desist letter to the family of Ron Goldman. To which they are saying none of this would have happened if O.J. had ceased and desisted while he was cutting off Goldman’s head.

Brain scans reveal that women taking drugs lose their maternal instincts. Which is ironic as being constantly high on drugs is how they ended up becoming mothers in the first place.

Brain scans reveal that women taking drugs lose their maternal instincts. Although you would think the first maternal instinct for someone taking care of a child would be to not take drugs.

Colin Kaepernick may go to the Baltimore Ravens. Apparently the team feels if they kept suspected murderer Ray Lewis on the team for years, they could make room for someone who takes a knee during the National Anthem.

GOP lawmakers have blocked a plan to allow VA doctors to prescribe pot for veterans for pain. The legislators say if those soldiers didn’t want to get injured, they should have been like the legislators and gotten war deferments.

A report says beer sales are down, especially among Millennials. Mostly because young people need to keep their minds straight while they play video games for 16 consecutive hours.

A psychotherapist says married people have the best sex. At least as long as their spouses don’t catch them.

The head of the Boy Scouts has apologized for Donald Trump’s speech at the Jamboree that became political. Although some people are still upset, saying the Scouts should have been prepared.

The head of the Boy Scouts has apologized for Donald Trump’s speech at the Jamboree that became political. Apparently when Scout leaders wanted to teach the kids to pitch a tent on site, they didn’t realize it would be a circus tent.

Iran claims it carried out a successful launch of a satellite-carrying rocket. Which means they are now on target for their plan to send the first goat to the Moon.

Critics are warning a Venezuelan vote for a constitutional assembly could destroy democracy there. People were surprised. When did Venezuela become a democracy?

Brazilian President Michel Temer has seen his approval rate drop to a new low of 5%. To which Donald Trump breathed a sigh of relief saying he still has room for a few more tweets to send out before going that low.

Brazilian President Michel Temer has seen his approval rate drop to a new low of 5%. And who better than a Brazilian to know how to take a real waxing?

Reports say that migrants are no longer making the U.S. their final destination. Mostly because under the Trump Administration, as soon as they arrive they find their real final destination is being deported back home.

Top White House adviser Steve Bannon is pushing for a 44% tax on people making $5 Million or more a year. Which for that economic group would fall somewhere in the range of an increase of 44%.

Top White House adviser Steve Bannon is pushing for a 44% tax on people making $5 Million or more a year. Which gave everyone in the West Wing a good laugh before he went back to his real plan of leaving it at zero.

The IRS has rehired hundreds of former workers who left the agency suspected of cheating on their own taxes and committing fraud. Mostly because they are the ones who know all the tricks and can catch everyone else doing the same thing.

Complaints about cars topped the annual ranking of the most popular U.S. consumer gripes. Mostly when the cars become hard to steer while also trying to eat a sandwich and text behind the wheel.

Apple says it is discontinuing its iPod Nano and Shuffle. Which is going to be tough news for anyone to take who is still living in 2006.

A new analysis says people don’t have to take all the antibiotics they are given in a prescription. Mostly so they can keep a few lying around for when they go to eat at Chipotle.

Some experts say the U.S. should tighten sanctions against North Korea. The only problem is finding anyone still shipping any goods there to try and stop.

Google’s free employee food cafeterias are pushing workers away from eating meat. Which they could do just as easily by outsourcing the job to Taco Bell.

Donald Trump’s newest nominees to oversee banks say student and auto loans are the biggest risk. Especially for college graduates who now only have a minimum wage job and can’t afford to pay off either one.

A study says the hearing loss rates for teens is holding steady. Meaning most of them can hear, they just choose not to listen to anyone.

A study says the hearing loss rates for teens is holding steady. Although many parents wish it would go up so their kids won’t be able to listen to any more Justin Bieber songs.

A study says the binge drinking rate is dropping on college campuses. Mostly because it’s a waste of time to get drunk when seeing their tuition bill immediately sobers them up again.

A California woman has been sentenced for embezzling $1 Million from a Jazzercise company. People were surprised at the news. How does a Jazzercise company end up making a million dollars?

The State Department has issued warnings over tainted alcohol in Mexico. It’s not the alcohol, it’s when it is combined with mixers made with the water.

The State Department has issued warnings over tainted alcohol in Mexico. It’s not the alcohol. After which the Secret Service says it highly recommends President Trump not go there anymore as it could be extremely dangerous for its agents.

Former “Bachelor” contestant Brit Nilsson says she battled bulimia and alcoholism during the show. Mostly because the show won’t take women who aren’t skinny and the only way to get through it is to stay drunk.

Jessica Biel says her son is a “mini Justin Timberlake.” Fortunately she didn’t say he was a mini of former boyfriends Gerard Butler, Derek Jeter or Chris Evans.

A report says “Dancing With The Stars” wants Sean Spicer to be a contestant. Which people would be interested in seeing if he can do anything else besides tap dancing around reporters’ questions.

A report says “Dancing With The Stars” wants Sean Spicer to be a contestant. The only problem is that the only dancing he seems suited for is somewhere in the middle of a mosh pit.

USC football coach Clay Helton says O.J. Simpson will not be welcomed on campus. Mostly because they are afraid if he comes back it won’t just be classes he will be cutting.

Washington Nationals slugger Bryce Harper blamed a recent ejection on aggression caused by the pregame music he was listening to. He needs to have someone go through his playlist and take out anything by Justin Bieber.

Matt Kucher suffered dizzy spells during the Canadian Open on Thursday. Apparently it was a result of his head still spinning following Jordan Spieth hitting a drive nearly out of bounds and following it with three birdies and an eagle.

Odell Beckham says he wants to be the highest paid player in the NFL. Which is a lofty goal but most people would rather see their favorite player setting their sights on the MVP Trophy or a Super Bowl ring.

Jordan Spieth celebrated his 24th birthday by eating birthday cake off the Claret Jug. Which is refreshing to see someone young and clean cut who prefers to eat cake off the jug than use it to drink 12 year old Scotch.

A Russian cybercriminal was caught after using a password that was easy to crack. You would think someone trying to hide 1.7 Million hacked credit card numbers would try to protect it with something other than “12345.”

Scientists say humans are made partly of matter that came from distant galaxies. Which is finally starting to make a little more sense about the personal behavior of Dennis Rodman.

Scientists say humans are made partly of matter that came from distant galaxies. Which is OK just as long as it isn’t from Uranus. (Old, predictable and juvenile but still always funny!)

Porsche is recalling 22,000 cars because of faulty emissions software. Which is no big deal to Porsche owners who buy their cars in the first place to they can tell everyone else to “Eat my dust!”

A report says Republican Senators what the Senate to return to normal after the healthcare debate. Meaning they want to go back to their regular business of giving tax cuts to the wealthy, holding fundraisers and getting donations from lobbyists.

Anthony Scaramucci says he will never trust a reporter again. To which most people were thinking they would trust a reporter way before ever believing anything coming out of the mouth of a hedge fund manager.

A report says Trump Organization employees must sign an agreement keeping information about the Trump family secret. Which is no big deal since Trump pretty much plays his whole life out in front of everyone on his Twitter account.

House Republicans have approved $1.6 Billion to be used on Donald Trump’s border wall. Although it turns out he would rather use the money to instead build a wall to keep Democratic members of the Senate from being able to cast votes on healthcare.

June Foray, the voice of Rocky the Squirrel and many other cartoon characters has died at age 99. She will be remembered in Hollywood as the voice of the character named “Rocky” that when they were talking could actually be understood.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As I just mentioned in my last joke, voice acting legend June Foray has died at age 99. She was an icon who was a big part of anyone’s life who used to sit in front of the TV set for hours every Saturday morning watching cartoons. I had the pleasure of meeting Ms. Foray when I was taking classes in radio school back in California back in the 1970s. She came to talk to our class at the KIIS School of Broadcasting along with another voiceover legend, Dawes Butler. I don’t know how they pulled the strings to get them to show up but it made the entire program worth the money. My daughter is a big cartoon voice fan and knows all the people and even though she is 18 knows who June Foray was. She gave us Baby Boomers many hours of entertainment which I still keep with me as I go to Netflix every night to watch some late night cartoons. Let’s all remember her today, especially when you take the time to always keep on sending the love!



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