Thursday, July 27, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A Massachusetts woman was topless when arrested in a road rage incident. Apparently she drove that way as she just didn’t trust her Takata airbags.

A report says Republicans are looking at a tax on advertising. Which most people agree with as long as it is mostly used to discourage those terrible political ads.

Researchers say they have discovered brain cells that control aging. That means besides the ones that make all men act like they are 10.

A report says the obesity epidemic is affecting 711 Million people worldwide. That number is a coincidence as most those people are fat from eating the junk food they buy at 7-Eleven stores.

A report says the obesity epidemic is affecting 711 Million people worldwide. The U.S. is the fattest with 12.7% of children reported to be obese. Which means the other 87.3% are still just not trying hard enough.

A report says the states most people are moving out of are in the northeast. Mostly so they can move to Ohio, Wisconsin and Michigan to prevent what took place in the 2016 election from ever happening again. 

A report says one third of all U.S. households have no savings and are at risk of financial ruin. The other two thirds say they wish they were in that good of shape.

New York subway trains will have some seats removed to increase their capacity. How fat have we gotten when we can’t even fit inside a train car unless everyone is standing?

New York subway trains will have some seats removed to increase their capacity. That seems like a long ways to go to just fight some occasional manspreading.

New York subway trains will have some seats removed to increase their capacity. Apparently there were too many complaints from subway perverts about not using the system anymore because it is so hard to grope women while they are sitting.

A man who was screaming death threats terrorized passengers on a BART train in California. Apparently those riders have never traveled Amtrak or they would have known that person as the conductor.

Italy’s health minister says water rationing in Rome because of a drought could result in health consequences. Mostly because it’s not like France where people don’t regularly use water for things like bathing.

Italy’s health minister says water rationing in Rome because of a drought could result in health consequences. Which could be a real problem if the people didn’t have wine and had to actually use water for drinking.

A group of Iowa businesses are suing United Airlines over the death of a giant rabbit in April. It’s just another case where an appearance issue can be solved with a hare transplant.

Coke Zero is being revamped as Coke Zero Sugar. Or as Coca-Cola will soon find out it will be more likely known as Coke Zero Sales.

A survey of U.S. Muslims says half claim to suffer from discrimination. Which is still better than the other half who still can’t get back into the country.

A California man was arrested for having live cobras inside potato chip cans. That’s what happens when people try to save money making their own snakes-flying-out-of-the-can gags.

Rick Perry fell for some Russian pranksters posing as the Ukraine Prime Minister. Although he got them right back as they were fooled by Perry posing as an Energy Secretary.

Rick Perry fell for some Russian pranksters posing as the Ukraine Prime Minister. The worst part is they started out the call by asking if he had Prince Albert in a can.

Donald Trump says he now wants to tax the rich. Which is another sign his tax returns are about to be released and may show he doesn’t have as much money as he says.

Boeing cost cutting has resulted in a boost of profits and shares. Which may not be comforting for people flying in their planes knowing that they were built with cheaper parts and labor.

Mark Zuckerberg blasted Donald Trump for banning transsexuals from the military, saying everyone should be able to serve. Everyone except for people like Trump and Zuckerberg who have enough money to afford lawyers to keep them out.

The GOP is considering a “skinny” healthcare bill. Which is ironic in that we wouldn’t need an overhaul of the healthcare system if fewer Americans were so fat.

A poll says 33% of Americans are happy. Those are the ones who don’t know how bad things still are because they avoid watching the evening news.

A poll says 33% of Americans are happy. The other 67% still live under the status of “married.”

A poll says 33% of Americans are happy. Those are the ones who still haven’t dedicated half their waking hours to being mesmerized by social media.

A poll says 33% of Americans are happy. That will drop to about 4% when Congress finally decides on a new healthcare plan.

Two psychiatry groups disagree over whether members should assess Donald Trump’s mental health. Not because of any ethical issues, they just feel if someone is being analyzed they should be a paying customer.

A study says getting paid a cash incentive increases the chances of people having a colonoscopy. Mostly because they already get the same sensation for free every day at the office.

A survey says the diabetes rate is highest for people working in the transportation industry. Especially for the people driving the Krispy Kremes trucks.

A study says that being neurotic can help people live longer. Which explains why Woody Allen is still going so strong at 81.

A study says that being neurotic can help people live longer. Which shows Congress really does have our best interests at stake with what they are doing to us when it comes to healthcare reform.

A study says that being neurotic can help people live longer. Which ironically means those of us may be putting off death by thinking about it every waking moment.

A poll says 57% of Americans think smoking should be banned in public. As long as we can still go out with others to eat junk food, drink booze and text while driving.

Researchers in California have built a worm-like robot that can grow 25,000 times its length when properly stimulated. It could be used for search and rescue, medical devices and it already has great interest from the Hollywood porn film industry.

The final public appearance for Prince Philip is set for August 2nd. It’s nice they are finally letting a man retire at age 96 from a long career of doing basically nothing.

The final public appearance for Prince Philip is set for August 2nd. Which at age 96 needs to be worded carefully as it sounds more like a funeral announcement.

Amber Rose spoke on her breakup with Kanye West, saying the only thing she got from him was fame. Which could be worse if she had to get it like everyone else by either working hard or having a talent.

Amber Rose spoke on her breakup with Kanye West, saying the only thing she got from him was fame. West married Kim Kardashian because she wasn’t after him for his fame, getting hers the old fashioned way. With a sex tape and reality TV show.

Kim Kardashian’s surrogate is reportedly three months pregnant with her and Kanye West’s third child. How rich, famous and busy do you have to be to start designating out childbirth?

L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti is indicating the city is in line for the 2028 Olympics. Which is pretty good considering eleven years in the future is only half the time it took to replace an NFL team after the raiders left in 1994.

L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti is indicating the city is in line for the 2028 Olympics. He would have preferred the 2024 Games but wanted to wait until he made sure they could first finish construction on the rams and Chargers stadium in Inglewood.

Hugh Freeze talked of his resignation from Ole Miss, saying his family is his priority. Mostly keeping his children between him and his wife when the subject of escort services ever comes up.

Oklahoma State University and Ohio State University are in a battle over the trademark of “OSU.” The sad part is that with only one winning season since 2009, Oregon State isn’t even trying to stake a claim in that fight.

Falcons tackle Dontari Poe made a $125,000 bonus by dropping 15 pounds to make his contract weight. Which is just the opposite of most Americans who pay another $125,000 over their lifetime to be able to carry around at least 15 extra pounds.

Falcons tackle Dontari Poe made a $125,000 bonus by dropping 15 pounds to make his contract weight. Which works out to about $2,000 for each of the 60 Quarter Pounders with Cheese he had to skip to make it through getting on the scale.

Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones has hired a dive team to find the $100,000 earring he lost while jet skiing on a lake. It’s just a good thing before he went out he remembered to take off the brooch, belly chain and pearl necklace.

Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones has hired a dive team to find the $100,000 earring he lost while jet skiing on a lake. Which means if Barry Bonds ever drowns, they won’t call for water rescue as much as a salvage team.

Maria Sharapova says she is taking the high road when it comes to dealing with coming back from her doping ban. Although she could have probably made the statement with some more carefully chosen words.

The San Diego State football program will be looking for a new field when its contract runs out with Qualcomm Stadium, which was also home to the Chargers. The Chargers had a good reason to leave with an offer in L.A. where they finally have the chance to be the best team at their home field.

Mitch McConnell says if anyone has good ideas for a healthcare plan to bring them to the Senate floor. McConnell says he had a really good plan at one time but apparently his dog ate it.

Mitch McConnell says if anyone has good ideas for a healthcare plan to bring them to the Senate floor. Which instills great confidence in Congress knowing this is how they handle an issue they have been trying to repeal since 2010.

Google is committing $50 Million to help people prepare for the “changing nature of work.” Meaning they should just give the people the $50 Million and tell them they will have to make it last because pretty soon there won’t be any more jobs.

E-cigarettes are being credited with helping people quit smoking cigarettes. Now if they could only help them get off the heroin, opioids, amphetamines, crack…

A survey says 43% of workers say they don’t get enough sleep to be safe at work. Fortunately the other 57% are able to use their time on the job to get enough sleep to catch up.

A report says farmers are turning to Artificial Intelligence to grow better crops. Which was predicted years ago in “The Wizard of Oz” when the scarecrow finally got his brain.

Uber will start charging $15 to return lost items left in cars. Which unfortunately won’t be the case with its drivers who will never be able to reclaim their dignity.

A report says Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump could have a net worth of $762 Million. Which is just another way of referring to what they call their wedding gift.

A report says Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump could have a net worth of $762 Million. Hopefully they can now spring for enough cash on Father’s Day to buy Donald Trump a tie that fits.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Donald Trump is set to fire pretty much everyone in the Justice Department. Well, he said he would be creating jobs as President. The good news for him is that there won’t be anyone left to sue him for wrongful termination. Now that’s thinking. Right now I am thinking it would be great if all of you would make sure to remember to always keep on sending the love!



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