Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Former CIA Director John Brennan called for a coup if special counsel Robert Mueller is fired. Although when taking into account their record of success in Europe and Central America, Donald Trump has nothing to worry about when it comes to the CIA calling for an overthrow.

Studies say the sperm count of western men has plunged to a record low. Mostly because their sperm is confused after seeing how all of them now have their nails done, slather themselves with moisturizer and put their hair in a man bun.

Studies say the sperm count of western men has plunged to a record low. Mostly because it’s difficult for most of them to keep their sperm production up to speed after staring at Internet porn eight hours ever day.
 
Data says Americans are upbeat about the economy and jobs. Although on the other hand, having to work three different jobs to make ends meet makes them feel more beat up.

Data says Americans are upbeat about the economy and jobs. In fact, people are so optimistic they think this may be the year they get their first job since 2007.

Donald Trump bashed the Washington Post as a lobbyist weapon for Amazon. Although that doesn’t make sense as with owner Jeff Bezos being worth $88 Billion, he has enough to write all the checks to bribe the members of Congress himself.

A report says more American cars are being made in Mexico. Mostly because in anticipation of Donald Trump’s border wall they know pretty soon the trunks of those cars will be the only way for any of them to get into the U.S.

New research says that ancient humans had sex with non-human species. Which shows they were just ahead of their time as the same thing will be taking place in the near future with the invention of sex robots.

A study says money can buy happiness when people pay others to do their unpleasant chores. Meaning they are happy to have enough money so they don’t have to do anything all day.

A study says money can buy happiness when people pay others to do their unpleasant chores. Which means many Americans will be very sad when Donald Trump succeeds at kicking all the immigrants out of the U.S.

Hundreds of Facebook cafeteria workers in the Bay Area have joined a union. Which is bad for other Facebook employees who need them to make it possible to post pictures of what they are all eating for breakfast every day.

John Boehner predicts the Republicans will never repeal and replace Obamacare. It took forever for them to just repeal and replace John Boehner as House Speaker.

Princeton has hired a new “men’s engagement manager” to combat aggressive masculinity on campus. That’s like UNLV hiring someone to combat excessive intellectualism on campus.

Princeton has hired a new “men’s engagement manager” to combat aggressive masculinity on campus. Which seems a bit unnecessary for a university where when you ask where all the jocks hang out, they point to the badminton locker room.

Scientists are warning that robots could threaten humanity and will be stronger than humans in the next few years. Which isn’t hard to believe as the only strength training people do anymore is lifting boxes of Oreos.

A NASA experiment could cause 30 sonic booms in Florida. Which is better than most NASA experiments that have one boom that happens during the crash.

A NASA experiment could cause 30 sonic booms in Florida. Which is fine as most people there will just write them off as the usual afternoon gunplay.

A report says tech will allow dogs and humans to have conversations within a decade. Which won’t be much different than today as the only things dogs will want to talk about are cookies, walks and going for a ride.

A report says Americans are filing fewer lawsuits. Mostly because it’s hard to file age discrimination cases for all the people who are now being laid off when they are 30.

A study says CTE has been diagnosed in 99% of all former NFL players. Until now it was just assumed the only brain damaged players were the ones who had ever signed with Cleveland.

Christie Brinkley says it’s hard to meet “nice guys” at age 63. Which most women agree with, adding it is also hard to find them in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s.

Christie Brinkley says it’s hard to meet “nice guys” at age 63. Which may have something to do with the fact that she has a habit of being attracted to people like Billy Joel and John Mellencamp.

A Florida man held neighbors hostage after asking them to borrow some salt. He should have also asked them for some AA Duracells as he is now being charged with salt and battery.

A Florida man held neighbors hostage after asking them to borrow some salt. Apparently he became upset when he realized he couldn’t make a traditional Florida meal as he was also out of fat and sugar.

A Russian cat has adopted some orphaned baby hedgehogs. Which shows Donald Trump, Jr. was actually telling the truth when he says that meeting with all those Russians was just about adoption.

A Canadian polygamist has been found guilty of having 25 wives. Apparently Canadian officials became a little suspicious when the man turned in marriage license applications numbers 23 and 24.

Former Undersecretary of Defense for Policy Michele Flournoy says the U.S. needs a strategy in Afghanistan. It’s good to see the Defense Department finally coming to that realization after being there for the past 16 years.

A report says “Wonder Woman” will be getting a film sequel and even announced the title as “Wonder Woman II.” Hopefully they will put a little more into the production then they did picking a name.

A report says “Wonder Woman” will be getting a film sequel and even announced the title as “Wonder Woman II.” The problem is that if it gets the nickname “WWII” it could be mistaken for a documentary showing nonstop on the History Channel.

A report says smugglers are offering crammed big rigs as “VIP treatment” for migrants trying to make it into the U.S. Apparently they are selling it on the fact there is so much more legroom than in the option of hiding in the trunk of a Chevy.

The IRS says thieves are now targeting business tax returns. Which is good news for major U.S. corporations that haven’t paid any income taxes since 1974.

The TSA found a record number of guns in carry-on bags at airports in July. Apparently the increase came after they finally took the emphasis off only looking for terrorists sneaking in containers with more than three ounces of liquid.

A jailed VW executive will plead guilty to his part in the U.S. diesel cheating scandal. He will be sentenced to prison once the case is finalized after all the smoke clears.

Domino’s Pizza says profits were up 33% although overseas sales were down. Although that is expected to be taken care of once all the European countries also decide to legalize marijuana.

The Senate voted 51-50 to debate the GOP healthcare plan. Which is good news for all the Senators as long as the debate actually includes telling them what is in it.

A study says U.S. kids are overdosing on dietary supplements. Apparently the children feel the need for supplements when they feel they aren’t getting their minimum daily requirements of fat, sugar and salt.

A study says U.S. kids are overdosing on dietary supplements. The question is, who is looking at our kids and telling them they just aren’t getting enough calories every day?

A psychiatrists group says it is OK for members to comment on the mental health of Donald Trump. Apparently the organization is asking why should they be different than everyone else?

A study says one or two minutes of running can be good for women’s bones. Although it isn’t so good for mens’ bones when they can’t run away from their wives who chase them down after catching them sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.

Bush Beans are being recalled because of defective cans. That isn’t the first time beans have been responsible for causing damage to the can.

Anne Hathaway is being cast for the title role in a live-action “Barbie” movie. Which in her case the role is being marketed as autobiographical.

Michael Vick is in the Chiefs camp as a coaching intern. Which is OK with most players as long as he isn’t put in charge of sitting their dogs.

Former Oregon wide receiver Darren Carrington is transferring to Utah after being arrested for a DUI. Which is a good move to take temptation away by moving to an area where there is no alcohol within three hundred miles.

Katie Ledecky has broken the women’s record for most swimming titles. Which in the world of swimming should hold up for about another three hours.

Katie Ledecky has broken the women’s record for most swimming titles. Her next goal is to race a simulated Michael Phelps for the Discovery Channel.

Jordan Spieth’s caddie Michael Greller is a former math teacher. Which turns out that he would be the perfect caddie for Jon Rahm to help him with the subtraction every time he gets a two shot penalty reversed.

Wide receiver Lucky Whitehead was cut by the Cowboys after a shoplifting arrest because of the teams dedication to “high character.” Which sounds weird coming from a team whose owner Jerry Jones almost insisted on drafting Johnny Manziel.

Wide receiver Lucky Whitehead was cut by the Cowboys even after charges of shoplifting were dropped against him when he claimed he was misidentified. It was just a good thing he was caught on camera wearing someone else’s number.

Elon Musk says Mark Zuckerberg’s understanding of Artificial Intelligence is “limited.” Which is a pretty tough statement coming from someone who builds electric cars that routinely catch fire and crash while on autopilot.

India’s transportation chief says driverless cars will be banned as they will kill jobs. Especially in a country of 1 Billion people where having drivers means constant work for ambulance crews, body shop and ER doctors.

John McCain returned to the Senate to a standing ovation. Other Senators didn’t catch the irony of welcoming their colleague back who just had major surgery and recovered in time to vote to take healthcare away from 22 Million other Americans.

Donald Trump called the Senate healthcare vote a “big step.” Although it isn’t known if the Senators supporting the measure are aware exactly what they just stepped in.

Donald Trump says “time will tell” about Jeff Sessions staying on as Attorney General. To which he then said “10…9…8…”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking in again to the blog. I appreciate you reading it and maybe getting a few laughs along the way. Make sure to tell some friends about it. I just wouldn’t advise recommending it to someone whose friendship is valuable to you. But like my jokes, I go for quantity over quality as is pretty obvious. Nothing is better than when I get a large quantity of you all remembering to always keep on sending the love!


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