Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Jared Kushner in a speech says he “has not sought the spotlight.” How was he to know he would attract publicity after marrying Donald Trump’s daughter and becoming senior adviser to the President of the United States?

Jared Kushner in a speech says he “has not sought the spotlight.” Mostly because working for Donald Trump means automatically making sure all the attention always is about the boss.

Disney has developed a neural network that can watch the faces in an audience while they watch a movie to see how they are reacting. Which is different than when they watched the audience get up and walk out during “Mars needs Moms.”

A phone app tells users when they are depressed. Which the number one cause for depression is only being able to afford to use a smartphone app for therapy.

A phone app tells users when they are depressed. Which comes after the person has just finished using their phone to play 14 straight hours of “Candy Crush.”

China is using technology to predict crimes before they happen. Mostly by sitting outside the factories that dump toxic waste into their water supply every day.

Michael Phelps lost a 100 meter swimming race against a simulated Great White shark. Phelps will next claim to be Champion Golfer of the Year after winning the British Open playing the Rory McIlroy PGA Tour video game.

Michael Phelps lost a 100 meter swimming race against a simulated Great White shark. Apparently the idea came after Ryan Lochte escaped a robbery at the Rio Olympics from a simulated gunman.

The Venezuelan opposition party is calling for 48 hours of a general strike. Which is a tough decision for the three people in the country who still have a job.

Mark Zuckerberg says Elon Musk’s doomsday predictions about Artificial Intelligence are “irresponsible.” Upon which all 3 Billion people using Facebook at the time simultaneously nodded their heads in agreement.

A study says eating a big breakfast is the key to a healthier weight. Except for the people who start breakfast at 7:00 am and take it through 3:00 in the afternoon.

A study says alcohol can improve consolidating the memory in some people. Like the men who all of a sudden remember that their drinking is the reason they just handed over half of what they own to their ex-wife.

Scent marketing firms are helping businesses to tap into customers’ emotions with smells. Mostly by knowing they can get people to buy whatever they are selling just by tempting them with the odor of a Big Mac and fries.

A Wisconsin company is the first in the U.S. to implant microchips into employees to buy snacks and open doors. Apparently their workers are just not smart enough to handle the responsibility of managing loose change and a key ring.

A Wisconsin company is the first in the U.S. to implant microchips into employees to buy snacks and open doors. Although they are only the second company to mandate implants in workers if you count Hooters restaurants.

Chicago bears linebacker Jerrell Freeman reportedly saved a man from choking with the Heimlich Maneuver. To which Atlanta Falcons fans are saying “Where was this guy during the Super Bowl?”

A St. Louis man attacked four homeless people with a hammer. If he wanted to get rid of homeless people by using a hammer, why didn’t he just sign up with Habitat for Humanity?

Eight people were hit by an out of control car outside a rehab center in South Dakota. Which would be completely ironic if the person driving the car is charged with DUI.

The Vatican has shut off all fountains including the ones in St. Peter’s Square because of the drought in Italy. To which some people are asking where are all those miracles from the Pope when you need one?

An Oklahoma teacher has turned to panhandling for classroom supplies. Which is ironic in that is exactly what most Oklahoma students eventually end up doing themselves.

The Ute Tribe has pulled out of the Native American Summit in Utah, saying they want the state to treat them as a sovereign nation. To which state officials in Utah are saying who do the Utes think they are, Mormons?

O.J. Simpson’s attorney says he agrees that Simpson has had a “conflict free life” in that in 70 years he has just had a couple of incidents. Of course, with those incidents being a double murder and armed robbery by comparison even Charles Manson doesn’t seem like such a bad guy.

A report says ISIS is so desperate they are turning to the drug trade to make money. Which begs the question is it really that bad selling amphetamines and opioids instead of blowing up entire cities?

Frontier Airlines has been fined for bumping passengers and not helping the disabled. Although in their defense, the disabled people are the ones who are transferring to Frontier after being dragged off their plane by United.

Economists are telling people not to expect any breakout wage growth over the next two years. Apparently salary raises are only being given to the workers who need and deserve it the most, like pro athletes, Wall Street bankers and corporate CEOs.

NASA says it can cut flight time for travelers by half with their development of a supersonic low-noise airplane. Currently the only way for passengers to cut their flight time in half is to fly with someone other than United.

A UK man suffered a heart attack while he was teaching a class in CPR. To which the students were heard to complain to him how they hated pop quizzes.

A study says most U.S. men and women are “overfat” with excess body fat. Apparently it just sounds nicer than describing people as morbidly obese.

A study says most U.S. men and women are “overfat” with excess body fat. Apparently those are the people who don’t supplement their fatty diets with enough sugar and salt.

Justin Bieber has canceled the rest of his world tour, saying he loves his fans and hates to disappoint them. To which most people are saying ending his tour is a good place to start.

Jordan Spieth deflected comparisons to Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods. Although when it comes to his hairline, he is more on the way to being another Jerry Pate or Jim Furyk.

Dodger ace Clayton Kershaw will possibly miss four to six weeks with an injured back, after last year’s herniated disk. That’s what happens when you put that much strain on your back carrying the entire team on it the past five years.

Cowboys wide receiver Lucky Whitehead has been arrested in Virginia for shoplifting. The biggest issue for the team is dealing with an NFL receiver who can’t outrun a couple of convenience store security guards.

Cowboys wide receiver Lucky Whitehead has been arrested in Virginia for shoplifting. The first thing he should do after that is change his name to anything but “Lucky.”

Green Bay Packers President Mark Murphy says an appearance in the Super Bowl in Minnesota next year would be “fun” for fans. Mostly because for people from Green Bay, even February in Minnesota would be considered a tropical excursion.

Actor Henry Cavill’s mustache will be digitally removed from his role as Superman because Paramount has legally blocked him from shaving it for another part. Apparently someone needs to tell the movie studios they can be grown back.

Actor Henry Cavill’s mustache will be digitally removed from his role as Superman because Paramount has legally blocked him from shaving it for another part. It’s just too bad the Hollywood studios don’t have access to highly professional makeup artists who could instead give him a realistic fake mustache.

Fact-checking site Snopes says they are in danger of closing down because of a business dispute. The only question for users is where will they go to see if that is really a fake news story?

A report says United Airlines tried to ban comic books from checked luggage on a flight. Mostly to keep passengers from reading them and instead having to pay the outrageous fee to use their inflight Wi-Fi.

A report says United Airlines tried to ban comic books from checked luggage on a flight. Mostly so no one gets any ideas about trying to be a super hero when they find themselves being dragged off the plane.

A survey says people under age 35 prefer working in an office to working out of their house. Mostly because the office has access to commercial high speed Internet for much better resolution of online video games and Internet porn.

Estonia is changing the way they measure elevation which means the entire country will be 6 to 9.5 inches taller. Which means the ability to brag about a few extra inches could have only come from a government department staffed by men.

A study is examining why people curse so much at customer service representatives. It could have something to do with them being customers and receiving absolutely no service.

A study is examining why people curse so much at customer service representatives. Although one guess is it could be a result of waiting on hold for 40 minutes only to be told there is nothing that can be done before being hung up on.

Archaeologists in Israel have discovered a rare 2,700 year old reservoir. They were so excited by the find, when they realized what it was they yelled “Dam!”

NASA is issuing safety warnings on how to watch next month’s solar eclipse. Which is ironic as the first agency anyone turns to because of their safety record on the job is NASA.

NASA is issuing safety warnings on how to watch next month’s solar eclipse. Apparently in order to prevent any eye injuries, NASA is advising people to only watch it at night.

Donald Trump slammed Republican Senators for not doing their job on health care. Apparently he feels they should be doing more important work, like giving more tax breaks to the rich, keeping foreigners out and destroying the environment.

Donald Trump gave a speech where he said “Obamacare is Death.” Which apparently can only be solved by taking healthcare away from 22 Million people.

A poll says only one in four Americans believe Donald Trump will definitely complete his first term as President. The other three feel that with him taking away their healthcare, they will be lucky to make it through his first term.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Oh, great. As a huge Dodger fan I am not happy about seeing Clayton Kershaw be out for four to six weeks with a back injury. I think it might just be his way of giving the other pitchers in the league a chance to catch up a little in the race for the Cy Young Award. It’s been 29 years since the Dodgers have won the World Series and this does not bode well for their chances. When Southern Californians talk about the drought, it would be nice for once if they were talking about the usual scarcity of water and not their baseball team’s success. Hopefully he will be back in the lineup soon and available for the playoffs. I just want to say I always feel like the MVP every time you all remember to take the time and always keep on sending the love!



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