Sunday, July 23, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Sean Spicer has resigned as White House Press Secretary. Apparently too much Spicer was giving Donald Trump indigestion.

Police in Washington, D.C. arrested a man who tried to rob three banks in 30 minutes. People were shocked. He was able to get service at more than one bank in less than a half hour?

The ratings for O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing were a dud, picking up only 13.5 Million viewers. Which is bad news for O.J. because he saw the hearing not just as a way to get out of prison but more importantly as an audition for a reality TV show.

The ratings for O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing were a dud, picking up only 13.5 Million viewers. Mostly because it lasted a long time, had too many questions from the parole board and didn’t even feature O.J. trying to kill anyone.

The ratings for O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing were a dud, picking up only 13.5 Million viewers. The good news is he scored high in the demographic of 18-35 year old women who would like to date a celebrity who may try to murder them.

A report says the Democratic National Committee finished June with a $3.3 Million deficit. The good news is that the politicians at least are running their own business the same way as they do for the country.

New Jersey has raised the smoking age up to 21. The feeling is, if younger people there want to breathe in smoke they should just move to Newark.

New Jersey has raised the smoking age up to 21. Not only that, with Chris Christie as Governor younger people can’t even go to New York to buy them because all the bridges have been shut down.

A study says worrying about being out of shape can cut a person’s lifespan. But looking at how fat we have become, the question is who’s worrying?

The artistic director at the Royal Shakespeare Company says the Bard may have been gay. That’s no surprise for anyone who has seen the collar he chose to wear in all his portraits.

The artistic director at the Royal Shakespeare Company says the Bard may have been gay. And who would know better than a man who set his sites on becoming the artistic director at the Royal Shakespeare Company?

The artistic director at the Royal Shakespeare Company says the Bard may have been gay. The first clue was an early manuscript of the play originally titled “Romeo and Julio.”

A report says more than half of all female murder victims are killed as a result of romantic partner violence. Which makes it important for O.J. Simpson to be released from prison so he can finally track down those real killers.

Recent heavy rains have made for a mini-gold rush in Northern California. Which would be no big deal in Southern California where the real money is still in selling a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima for $850,000.

Justin Bieber has been banned in China to “purify the nation.” Also because most people there don’t know who he is as his videos can’t be accessed on the nation’s five government allowed web pages.

Justin Bieber has been banned in China to “purify the nation.” How bad is he to be considered impure in a country that is good with serving fox and donkey meat, has no breathable air and allows 5 year olds to work in factories?

Hungary says it will protect Poland, which is moving to give politicians influence over their Supreme Court. To which Donald Trump is saying “And that problem with that is…?”

Donald Trump is reportedly considering pardoning several people in his administration. Mostly so he doesn’t have to go through a lengthy process to actually prove his claims that he has done nothing wrong.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner has amended financial forms to list 77 pieces of property that were “inadvertently omitted” before. Even John McCain is asking how many homes this guy owns.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner has amended financial forms to list 77 pieces of property that were “inadvertently omitted” before. Apparently he is using the old Steve Martin routine where he claims the defense of “I forgot!”

Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner has amended financial forms to list 77 pieces of property that were “inadvertently omitted” before. How wealthy are you that 77 properties worth $10 Million just somehow slips your mind?

Hawaii is launching a program to help residents and visitors prepare for a nuclear attack. Which apparently calls for them to add about another 16 layers of sunscreen.

Hawaii is launching a program to help residents and visitors prepare for a nuclear attack. Although most people there feel living through a nuclear attack in Hawaii is still better than being stuck on any other day in Wyoming.

Madame Tussauds’ wax figure of Beyonce was adjusted after complaints of how it looked. Apparently fans felt the wax replica couldn’t hold a candle to the real thing.

A judge has approved an $11.2 Million settlement between hookup site Ashley Madison and its users over a 2015 data breach. Apparently it is to make up for the loss of half of everything the members owned after their wives found out.

The State Department says it will ban travel by Americans to North Korea. That is bad news for the three people who actually think it would be a good place to visit.

The State Department says it will ban travel by Americans to North Korea. The good news is that instead they will offer the people thinking of going there counseling to help them cope with their insanity.

A report says GM may eliminate six cars from its lineup, three Chevys, two Cadillacs and one Buick. People were surprised at the news. They are still making Buicks?

A report says GM may eliminate six cars from its lineup, three Chevys, two Cadillacs and one Buick. Mostly as a time saver since by the time they are done with all the recalls those cars have pretty much been built from the ground up twice.

NASA is working to prevent disastrous battery fires in space. Which mostly means banning astronauts from taking along any phones made by Samsung.

A company in India says it has developed an inexpensive web-enabled mobile phone for the masses. Which is great news for all the people in India who can have another phone stuck to their ear after working at a tech support call center all day.

A company in India says it has developed an inexpensive web-enabled mobile phone for the masses. That could result in lower wireless prices even in the U.S. where providers may have to cut prices from obscene down to just ridiculous.

Digital currency Bitcoin has averted a split into two different currencies. Right now its legitimacy falls somewhere between a wooden nickel and two-headed quarter.

Passengers on Delta Airlines can now use their fingerprints for a boarding pass. While special provisions have been made so Ann Coulter can instead just show her Adam’s apple.

Passengers on Delta Airlines can now use their fingerprints for a boarding pass. As opposed to United Airlines where workers often show customers a close up of the prints on their middle finger.

Passengers on Delta Airlines can now use their fingerprints for a boarding pass. Over on United Airlines, customers can instead just show the identifying bruises and contusions from the last time they were dragged off their flight.

A study says drinking sugary sodas along with a burger or fried chicken can prime the body for packing on more pounds. Mostly from drinking a sugary soda to wash down a burger and fried chicken.

A study says many people being treated for Alzheimer’s Disease may not have it. Instead they were mistakenly sent for treatment by their doctor who does have it.

A study says 20% of adults have mental illness or a drug problem. The question is what is the excuse of the other 16% of people who still support Donald Trump?

A study says 20% of adults have mental illness or a drug problem. Which is good news in that it means the other 80% have since recovered from their teen years.

A study says 20% of adults have mental illness or a drug problem, with New Jersey having the lowest rate. Mostly because residents are considered normal compared to Chris Christie, the cast of “Jersey Shore” and anyone living in Atlantic City.

A study says 20% of adults have mental illness or a drug problem, with New Jersey having the lowest rate. Mostly because Jersey residents have learned to deal with any conflicts or problems by saying “What are you looking at?”

Michael Phelps says he was “safe” during his Shark Week race with a Great White shark, saying they were not in the water at the same exact time. Meaning the shark was off the coast of Australia while Phelps was taking laps in a pool in Beverly Hills.

The NFL says O.J. Simpson is “welcome” to attend future Hall of Fame inductions as a member. Although having O.J. around could quickly change “Hall of Fame” into “Chamber of Horrors.”

The NFL says O.J. Simpson is “welcome” to attend future Hall of Fame inductions as a member. Which is ironic as new members are enshrined with a bust which is a stature where the head is removed from the body.

The NFL says O.J. Simpson is “welcome” to attend future Hall of Fame inductions as a member. Not only that, serving his prison sentence in Nevada now means O.J. can officially retire from the league as a Raider.

Branden Grace shot a 62 at the British Open, the lowest round ever at any Major. Which is nothing compared with Jon Rahm who could shoot a 58 every time if he could only get all his other penalty shots overturned.

Former Carolina Panthers tackle Michael Oher is being sued by an Uber driver for assault. No one even knew that Oher was up for the company’s CEO.

Former Carolina Panthers tackle Michael Oher is being sued by an Uber driver for assault. Apparently he was upset that the only place someone his size can fit into a Prius is riding around in the trunk.

Tech giants are reportedly spending record amounts lobbying under the Trump Administration. Mostly because they can only hope he does for them what he has already done with all the publicity he has generated for the people at Twitter.

A report says all the plastic ever made is equal to the weight of a billion elephants. Which doesn’t sound so bad now that the plastic is being recycled as the primary food source to all sea birds and marine life.

A report says Hollywood is using social causes to sell movie tickets. Which explains why box office receipts have slipped so much from the days when they just used good old fashioned sex to get people into the theaters.

Steve Jobs life has been set to an opera. It’s the one that isn’t over until the nerd in glasses, khakis and a Polo shirt sings.

Lyft is planning to launch self-driving car rides by the end of the year. Although many people prefer Uber for the experience of getting to their destination while also still being able to abuse the driver.

A bag of NASA Moon dust sold at auction for $1.8 Million. Although it might have a higher street value since that is the dust that gave Edwin Aldrin, Jr. his nickname of “Buzz.”

A bag of NASA Moon dust sold at auction for $1.8 Million. Which is nice to see NASA is recouping a small fraction of the $25 Billion it cost to send our astronauts there.

Elon Musk says the new SpaceX rocket may crash on its first flight. To which NASA is saying “Tell us about it.”

Sean Spicer ripped the “malicious” skits portraying him on “Saturday Night Live.” Although if SNL really wanted to air some malicious TV they would have just shown some of Spicer’s news conferences.

Vladimir Putin is questioning the need for people to hide behind online pseudonyms. Mostly because he hates how it makes it more difficult when people criticize him to find them to throw in jail or execute.

Donald Trump says the newly commissioned aircraft carrier USS Gerald R. Ford is a “100,000 ton message to the world.” Although being named after President Ford, it was just lucky during the christening the ship didn’t fall off the slipway.

Donald Trump has named a temporary ethics chief. Mostly because any attempt at ethics in this administration is pretty much just temporary.

Donald Trump has named former Goldman Sachs financier Anthony Scaramucci as his new Communications Director. Mostly because the only communications Trump ever needs is having a direct line to Wall Street.

The ousted voice of Kermit the Frog, Steve Whitmire says he fears Disney could “destroy” the iconic character. Apparently he is worried that the conservative Disney organization is going alt-right and thinking of replacing Kermit with Pepe.

McDonald’s is coming out with a new line of clothing. It’s the one that features apparel that caters to McDonald’s customers by starting at size XXXL.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am taking a couple of days off my real job for some R&R. Which as you all know means railroad. But not to worry, I will still be around cranking out the jokes as usual. Just because I get some time off doesn’t mean you get a break as well. I just want to thank you all for checking out the site. Feel free any time to get in touch with me, the best way being e-mail at jimbarach@hotmail.com. I love to hear from you and it always makes me feel good, especially when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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