Friday, July 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

O.J. Simpson was granted parole and will be released in October. He told the hearing he was “no danger to pull a gun on anybody.” Although using a knife to cut two people’s heads off might still be on the table.

O.J. Simpson was granted parole and will be released in October. People are worried of the repercussions. Not with O.J., he’s 70. They are scared it may bring back Marcia Clark, Judge Ito and Kato Kaelin.

O.J. Simpson was granted parole and will be released in October. The good news is for costume companies and stores who will be making a fortune this year as O.J. will be let back into society right before Halloween.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions says he has no plans to resign despite a public rebuke from Donald Trump. There hasn’t been this much tension caused by someone with Trump since Omarosa was on “The Apprentice.”

A survey says one in eight people who voted for Trump are having second thoughts. Which is pretty good considering with most other elected officials that number is more like seven or all eight.

A report says 37% of U.S. households are renting, the most since 1965. What’s worse is that the other 63% are trying to claim the property they are living in by squatting in abandoned houses.

New York City says it is illegal to dog sit without a license. To which the dogs are claiming victory, saying if they have to have a license so should humans.

Elon Musk says the first passengers on SpaceX rockets need to be “brave.” In other words, the first few flights should be limited to people who have already taken rides on Amtrak, United Airlines and Uber.

Reports say that O.J. Simpson has already been approached for shows on reality TV. Which would take people right back to 1995 only this time it will be on a channel other than Court TV.

Jared Kushner will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee next week. The irony in all this is that any of the Trump Administration’s dealings fall under “intelligence.”

A study says positive thinking can extend a person’s lifespan and cut their risk of early death by 71%. The other 29% is for people who have positive thoughts but at the same time are sitting at the table with a Big Mac in their hands.

Inmates in Tennessee are being given reduced jail time if they agree to have a vasectomy. The bad part is that the operation is performed by their cellmate using a shiv.

A Michigan woman was convicted of murdering her husband after their parrot repeated the phrase “don’t shoot!” The woman is now suing the pet store saying she asked to buy a parrot and was instead given a stool pigeon.

A Michigan woman was convicted of murdering her husband after their parrot repeated the phrase “don’t shoot!” Which shows that if you are planning to kill your spouse and want to buy them a pet, it’s a lot safer to just go with a goldfish.

O.J. Simpson at his parole hearing says “Of course I would like to get the property” as his reason for committing the robbery that sent him to prison. Which is ironically exactly the same thing he said before he killed his wife Nicole.

A New Mexico boy tripped over a 1.2 Million year old fossil during a hike. What Larry King was doing lying down on a hiking trail in New Mexico nobody knows.

A report says major company CEOs made 271 times the salary of the typical U.S. worker in 2016. Which can be figured out for most companies by multiplying 271 times the minimum wage.

A report says major company CEOs made 271 times the salary of the typical U.S. worker in 2016. Which the executives justify by saying it is their job to get their employees to do 271 times the work they did in 2015.

Chris Christie is warning he will take action if New Jersey transit workers don’t show up for their jobs. Although he says he couldn’t care less if the train engineers miss their shift, he is just concerned about the station cafeteria workers.

Exxon was fined $2 Million for “reckless disregard” of sanctions against Russia under Rex Tillerson. Which is exactly why Donald Trump decided Tillerson would make the perfect Secretary of State.

Exxon was fined $2 Million for “reckless disregard” of sanctions against Russia under Rex Tillerson. Which is no surprise with the company’s reckless disregard for the price of gasoline, executives’ pay and destruction of the environment.

A new needle grinder is said to mash up medical waste including hypodermic needles in less than an hour. Which is great news for hospitals, drug rehabs and Major League Baseball locker rooms.

Twitter is releasing data showing their progress on cutting down on abuse and bad behavior by users. Although they refuse to take the action that would cut out 90% of the abuse of closing down the account of Donald Trump.

A Swiss banker has pleaded guilty of helping Americans avoid paying taxes. That is the job. If he wants to cut the tax bill for his wealthy clients he should do it legally by running for Congress.

Joon, a new airline run by Air France is aimed at Millennial passengers who are digitally connected and extremely entitled. Which makes them perfect for the airline as they are the only clientele who are as rude as the French flight attendants.

A Texas company has recalled coffee that has a Viagra-like ingredient. Apparently that isn’t what people had in mind when they pour a cup of morning coffee to make them rise and shine.

A Texas company has recalled coffee that has a Viagra-like ingredient. And people thought when it comes to coffee that their monthly bill from Starbucks was stiff.

A study says happiness can improve people’s health. Mostly because the most common reason for being happy is knowing there is enough money in the bank account to cover the cost of going to see the doctor.

Doctors say one third of dementia cases could be prevented. Mostly by people dying from the effects of becoming morbidly obese before they get old enough for their mind to give out.

A study says too much time at work can lead to an irregular heart rhythm. Mostly because they longer they are in the office, the more stress of trying to hide from the boss to keep from being fired.

A study says even gaining a little weight can increase the chance of developing heart problems. Especially when the little gain in weight is going from 350 to 370 pounds.

A study says even gaining a little weight can increase the chance of developing heart problems. Mostly the heart attack that is caused when realizing how much it will cost to replace an entire wardrobe from going up another two sizes.

A poll says Americans back higher insurance rates for smokers but not people who are overweight. Which means it’s still OK to eat that seven course meal, but just don’t light up that cigarette when you are done.

A poll says Americans back higher insurance rates for smokers but not people who are overweight. Mostly because people feel like they can quit smoking, but they will have to come pry that cannoli out of their cold, dead hands.

Johnny Depp’s extravagant spending habits were detailed in court documents, which included $7,000 for a Kim Kardashian couch for his daughter. He could be the first person in the history of bankruptcy court to qualify to make an insanity plea.

Steve Whitmire, the former voice of Kermit the Frog says he was fired for being “too outspoken.” Isn’t that pretty much his job description?

Kylie Jenner met her Madame Tussauds wax figure recently. The good news is that they hit it off right away since they are only three IQ points apart.

Kylie Jenner met her Madame Tussauds wax figure recently. To which Jenner was surprised, as she was expecting her wax to be Brazilian.

Ryan Seacrest says he will be back as host for the reboot of “American Idol.” Apparently he felt it would be nostalgic for fans, would put him back on prime time and that things must not be going so well with Kelly Ripa.

A report says a wrestling match between O.J. Simpson and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper was set to take place six months after Simpson’s acquittal. Although O.J. had to beg off because he instead needed the time to look for the real killers.

A report says a wrestling match between O.J. Simpson and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper was set to take place six months after Simpson’s acquittal. Piper was OK with being hit in the back with a chair, but drew a line at letting O.J. bring his knife into the ring.

Dean Unglert says he is “not emotionally mature enough” to become the next star of “The Bachelor.” Which is like someone saying they aren’t smart enough to join the cast of “The Kardashians.”

Cleveland Browns coach Hue Jackson is launching a foundation to combat human trafficking. The first victims include all the people who have ever been drafted by the Cleveland Browns.

Cleveland Browns coach Hue Jackson is launching a foundation to combat human trafficking. Although he is willing to make an exception in the case of Johnny Manziel.

Hugh Freeze has resigned as head football coach of Ole Miss after he was caught using school phones to call an escort service. Unfortunately that resulted in Freeze being left out in the cold.

Hugh Freeze has resigned as head football coach of Ole Miss after he was caught using school phones to call an escort service. The weird part is that Hugh Freeze would make a great onscreen name for a porn star.

A member of O.J. Simpson’s parole board came to the hearing wearing a Kansas City Chiefs tie. Apparently his Buffalo Bills and San Francisco 49ers ties didn’t match the color of his jacket.

Golfer Jon Rahm was assessed a two stroke penalty in the British open that was reversed because he didn’t fully understand the rule. Which explains how he won the Irish Open with 17 clubs in his bag.

Golfer Jon Rahm was assessed a two stroke penalty in the British open that was reversed because he didn’t fully understand the rule. Although it is still under review by officials of his play on the 12th hole when he escaped the rough using a foot wedge.

Elon Musk says he will build a hyperloop from New York City to Wahington, D.C. that will cut travel to 29 minutes. Mostly because he knows Melania Trump will want to buy one for herself to keep from having to move into the White House.

A Burundi teenage robotics team is missing after a competition in Washington, D.C. Apparently they were embarrassed that the most modern idea for robotics coming out of Burundi is a catapult.

A Burundi teenage robotics team is missing after a competition in Washington, D.C. Apparently they are involved with a production studio in making a new Saturday morning cartoon called “Teenage Burundi Robotic Turtles.”

A report says Google searches are being used to track infectious diseases. Mostly by just following reports of where Paris Hilton was last seen going clubbing.

Harvard students are partnering with the U.S. government to address the digital skills gap in the country. Which is perfect as it is a match between the group that started Facebook alongside the people who came up with the Obamacare website.

Smartphone maker OnePlus says a glitch prevented people from being able to make 911 emergency calls. Which is no big deal anymore as people with a smartphone only call 911 when they are done shooting video of the accident, fire or shooting.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, O.J. is going to be released from prison. Fortunately, that won’t happen until October which gives all the residents of Brentwood a few weeks to sell their homes and move far away. The question being asked is where were you during the slow speed chase in 1994? If you say you were on an overpass of the 405 Freeway waving at the white Ford Bronco as it went by, you were and probably still are a complete moron. And that is one reason I moved out of California. But no matter where I hang my hat, I always feel right at home when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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