Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says the GOP Congress is the least productive in 164 years. Which is coincidentally the estimate for how many years it will actually take them to pass a major piece of legislation.

A report says the GOP Congress is the least productive in 164 years. Which means unlike other sessions of Congress, this one is actually doing something to help the people.

Donald Trump says Obamacare will be easier to replace once it is allowed to fail and chaos erupts. Although the chaos part pretty much already arrived sometime back in November.

A poll says Hillary Clinton is less popular than Donald Trump. Which means if they held the election again today, she would only win by 2 Million votes.

A report says Donald Trump is the least physically fit president in decades. You know you need to watch your diet and exercise more when even Bill Clinton is said to have been in better shape.

A report says Donald Trump is the least physically fit president in decades. Which Is different than when Democrats are saying he isn’t fit to be in office.

The FBI is warning parents of “spy toys” that put the “privacy and safety of children at risk.” Which obviously isn’t a concern with adults who have been taking the same chances for years with their iPad.

Notorious jewel thief Doris Payne was arrested shoplifting at a Wal-Mart in Georgia. Fortunately for her, she won’t be charged with a felony as the entire contents of the Wal-Mart jewelry department has a combined value of $7.36.

Experts can now be hired to coach people on how to break off a relationship. What happened to the old days when people just took the coward’s way out and broke up with a text message?

A study says make up sex is not always good for a relationship. The study was apparently conducted using interviews only with women.

A report says the Bayonne Bridge being closed on weekends for construction has caused massive traffic headaches between New York and New Jersey. To which Chris Christie is saying “I’ve still got it!”

Chinese censors can reportedly now erase images being sent online in mid-transmission. To which Anthony Weiner is saying “Where was that technology five years ago?”

A report says the latest web design fad is a retro look inspired by the 1990s. To which people using AOL are saying “There is something more recent?”

A report says the aging Baby Boomer population is causing a drop in sales of Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Although out of shape Boomers who still want to Live To Ride are now taking to the aisles of the supermarkets in their Rascal Scooters.

A report says the aging Baby Boomer population is causing a drop in sales of Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Mostly because as they get older they find it harder to keep them balanced and Harley refuses to fit their bikes with training wheels.

Washington, D.C. is allowing doctors to provide their patients with life-ending medications. Which seems like a harsh method to deal with people who don’t pay their doctor bills on time.

Washington, D.C. is allowing doctors to provide their patients with life-ending medications. Or even easier they can skip the drugs and just prescribe they get some exercise and walking around downtown at night.

A report says natural disasters have been less devastating the past ten years. Mostly because by comparison they are nothing compared to the man-made economic crash, housing crisis and global warming.

A Chipotle restaurant in Virginia has been shut down when customers became ill with the norovirus. It’s just good to see they have managed to get their business back up to speed to where it was two years ago.

A Chipotle restaurant in Virginia has been shut down when customers became ill with the norovirus. Which is upsetting to regular customers who are wondering why E. coli and salmonella were taken off the menu.

A poll says Americans’ fear of war is growing. To which Donald Trump is saying he will ease those people’s worries about when a war might start if they give him just a couple more weeks.

A study says human travelers are more likely to spread diseases like Zika, yellow fever and malaria than mosquitoes. Which explains why the TSA is now swatting at passengers arriving into the U.S. on international flights.

Armed men in Alabama were caught on video stealing guns from unlocked cars. Apparently the cars owners thought they could leave them unlocked figuring the guns inside would scare away any thieves.

Armed men in Alabama were caught on video stealing guns from unlocked cars. Which brings up the question of why were they stealing guns when they were already armed?

A 7.8 magnitude earthquake was reported near the Kamchatka Peninsula. A few more of those and Russia will actually become a part of Sarah Palin’s backyard.

Donald Trump is calling Venezuela’s President Maduro a “bad leader” and is threatening tougher sanctions against the country. With no food, bad water and no medical supplies Maduro is saying “Sanction us with what?”

Workers at Serbia’s Fiat factory have agreed to end their strike after two weeks. That takes away their union’s bargaining chip of either giving the workers what they want or they will deliver more Fiats to be sold around the world.

Six Flags CEO John Duffey has resigned after less than two years. There was no reason given for his leaving other than his claim that being in charge of the company was a real roller coaster ride.

A report says more companies are offering genetic testing for dogs to determine their breeds. Owners just need to take a cheek swab of the dog’s saliva. If the owner ends up losing more than two fingers in the process, the dog is at least part pit bull.

Britain says it will crack down on gender stereotypes in ads. They want to point out that men and women in the UK are capable of having equally bad teeth.

Britain says it will crack down on gender stereotypes in ads. For one thing, they want to dispel the myth that British men are any more masculine than the women.

A poll says Americans remain slightly positive about the economy. In fact they are just a little more sure about how things are going than they are in their belief in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Donald Trump says his plan is to now “let Obamacare fail.” Which would fit right in with his plans to do the same thing with the economy, immigration plan, voting rights, tax reform and the environment.

A lawsuit claims that Uber discriminates against the handicapped. Especially the people who are in a wheelchair after being run over by an Uber driver racing through traffic to pick up a rider.

A lawsuit claims that Uber discriminates against the handicapped. Uber denies the claim, saying all Uber drivers have a rope tow in back of their Prius so they can pull a person in a wheelchair anywhere they want to go.

Insurers say uncertainty in Washington, D.C. is driving up insurance rates. Which is ironic as the only things more certain than rising insurance rates are death and taxes.

Harvey Atkin, who played Morty in the movie “Meatballs” has died at age 74. His last wish was when he is eulogized to not have anyone mention he played Morty in “Meatballs.”

Nielsen says R&B and Hip Hop top the charts over Rock in sales and streaming. Mostly because the people old enough to still listen to Rock are saying “What’s streaming?”

“Duck Dynasty” star Sadie Robertson says she was told some “shocking” things as a model. For instance, she wasn’t sure if it was a reference to her show or if they wanted her to lose weight when they told her to waddle down the runway.

Sisqo has released his “Thong Song” as a remix. Which is big news for anyone who is still living back in 1999.

Mariah Carey has landed a scripted drama about her life. As opposed to her actual life which is pretty much a series of unscripted dramas.

Sean Hannity called his Fox News colleague Shepard Smith “anti-Trump.” Which with the exception of Hannity, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump could be said about pretty much anyone else on the planet.

Emily Ratajkowski says she is bothered that people are “so offended by breasts.” Which upon hearing that, every man said “Where?”

Steve Whitmire, the voice of Kermit the Frog and Disney are sparring over his recent firing. The word is that Whitmire was taken by surprise by the action and is hopping mad.

Daniel Radcliffe came to the aid of a London robbery victim. It was the first time he was associated with a robbery since taking a paycheck for performing in the film “Swiss Army Man.”

Chris Christie was booed after catching a foul ball at a Mets game. Apparently the people there just weren’t familiar with seeing the act of someone ever catching a ball.

Chris Christie was booed after catching a foul ball at a Mets game. Although he received a standing ovation when the fans realized he caught it without dropping the three hot dogs, bag of peanuts and two beers he had in his hands.

Chris Christie was booed after catching a foul ball at a Mets game. How low has your popularity sunk when you get a worse reception at a ballgame than Steve Bartman going to Wrigley Field?

A canceled flight from Phoenix to Albuquerque caused four minor league baseball players to take an Uber ride costing $683. The worst part is the driver was a moonlighting utility player for the San Diego Padres.

Aaron Judge says he has a secret plan to break his recent slump. To which Yankees fans are just hoping its better than Donald Trump’s secret plans to beat ISIS, save jobs, and improve health care.

John Elway is planning to try to qualify for the 2018 U.S. Senior Open. Just like with the Broncos, his success will all depend on his ability to scramble.

John Elway is planning to try to qualify for the 2018 U.S. Senior Open. The only things getting in the way will be his iron play, putting and whether he is called in to try out for a back up quarterback job against Colin Kaepernick.

Phil Mickelson says he is planning to play the British Open without a driver. Which could be a mistake. Look at all the times the decision to not bring along a driver has caused problems for Tiger Woods.

Oklahoma State Football coach Mike Gundy says his mullet hairstyle has been worth “millions” to the school in marketing. Which can be a source of pride to all but the three men in Oklahoma who aren’t wearing the same haircut.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The British Open starts tomorrow. It is the golf tournament that is played in 40 mph winds, driving rain and temperatures sometimes in the 40s. Or as they call that in Scotland, a balmy summer day. It’s a real survival test, as opposed to the U.S. where making it through the entire round for a golfer can be in question when the drink cart runs out of brats and their favorite brand of beer. I don’t play much anymore, mostly because I don’t have six hours to watch some fat guy roll around in a golf cart looking for his “lucky ball” on every hole, which can’t be that lucky since it has never made it around the course in under 110 shots. I prefer to spend my time writing these jokes because it takes less time and I spend less money doing it. Now if there was only a way I could convince someone to actually pay me for my efforts. I think I have a better chance at turning pro on the links. But I still get my trophy every time you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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