Sunday, July 16, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says being an American abroad is “almost an embarrassment.” Too bad it’s not an embarrassment to be paid $29 Million a year as CEO of a company that got away with helping crash the global economy in 2007.

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says being an American abroad is “almost an embarrassment.” Which is different than the feelings foreigners have in the U.S. now that we have stopped letting them from traveling to our country.

A North Carolina man survived after having no pulse for 45 minutes. Or as Dick Cheney calls that, “Tuesday.”

O.J. Simpson’s upcoming parole hearing is set to be televised. Which is good news for CNN which can finally air something else besides the Russian involvement in our election.

O.J. Simpson’s upcoming parole hearing is set to be televised. Apparently O.J. has gone straight while in prison, even starting a business where he sells other inmates personal crafted and autographed shivs.

O.J. Simpson’s upcoming parole hearing is set to be televised. Which cable news stations can hardly wait for as this will allow them to once again show the 1994 slow white Bronco chase.

A gonorrhea epidemic has hit Oregon. The outbreak is being blamed on a new drug resistant strain, lack of safe sex and all the 1960s Hippies being priced out of San Francisco and moving north.

A Texas ambulance company is claiming a competitor cut its vehicles’ brake lines and shot out windows. The good news is that all that will do is when those ambulances crash is to give the company even more business.

Water in a reservoir in Pakistan has been called “fit for human consumption” after tons of dead fish were found. Not only that, residential customers are now being billed extra for being given ready made seafood broth.

Water in a reservoir in Pakistan has been called “fit for human consumption” after tons of dead fish were found. Although they still can’t make the same claim to anyone who has ever tried to eat any aloo gosht.

A woman teacher in Georgia has been sentenced to jail for having sex with a 17 year old male student she claimed tricked her into having sex “like a used car salesman.” To which all her friends immediately decided to never go car shopping with her.

 A woman teacher in Georgia has been sentenced to jail for having sex with a 17 year old male student she claimed tricked her into having sex “like a used car salesman.” Meaning she has also been around the block more than a few times.

A woman teacher in Georgia has been sentenced to jail for having sex with a 17 year old male student she claimed tricked her into having sex “like a used car salesman.” In other words, he was a guy.

Donald Trump’s top cybersecurity adviser says the U.S. and Russia before creating a cyber pact must first discuss the “rules of the road.” Which put Trump in an awkward position when Vladimir Putin immediately yelled out “Shotgun!”

Insurers are blasting the Senate’s health care plan as “unworkable.” The good news is that at least that means it passes all congressional legislative standards.

Insurers are blasting the Senate’s health care plan as “unworkable.” Which means that it must not allow the insurance companies enough of a profit margin.

Indiana Senator Joe Donnelly has sold stock in his family’s company after it was revealed it makes some products in Mexico. Instead of selling the stock, wouldn’t it have been easier to just have the company stop manufacturing in Mexico?

A Silicon Valley firm is compiling a list of venture capitalists who harass women. To which the people making the list are saying that is the “venture” part.

National bridal dress chain Andre Angelo has closed after 80 years. Apparently it was something old, something new, too much borrowed creating too much red.

National bridal dress chain Andre Angelo has closed after 80 years. Apparently they just didn’t have enough hustle in their bustle.

National bridal dress chain Andre Angelo has closed after 80 years. Apparently after never being able to achieve the top spot in the business, they became tired of always being the bridesmaid.

Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight says the polls are fine, but people’s math skills are lacking. Which you can hardly blame voters for not understanding arithmetic after two of the past three presidents have taken office after picking up fewer votes.

A report says airlines’ on time performance has dropped in the latest rankings, with United Airlines coming in 5th. To which the airline says it would be a lot easier to meet schedules if passengers wouldn’t resist while being dragged off the planes.

A study says today’s young men work less and play more video games. Mostly because they can’t afford to do anything else but play video games all day because they aren’t given enough hours at their minimum wage jobs.

A report says the new iPhone will be late and expensive. Which is fine for the Apple geeks who buy them who will get the same sensation they will never have from dating a woman beautiful enough to be late and expensive.

California is considering new incentives for zero emissions vehicles. The latest plan is rebates on anything made by Fiat Chrysler which have no exhaust issues as they usually are just sitting parked on the side of the road.

A woman taking a selfie at an L.A. art gallery fell and knocked over some exhibits causing $200,000 in damage. Although the woman denies she intentionally damaged the art, saying she is being framed.

A woman taking a selfie at an L.A. art gallery fell and knocked over some exhibits causing $200,000 in damage. The only problem with modern art is being able to tell which pieces were actually damaged.

A woman taking a selfie at an L.A. art gallery fell and knocked over some exhibits causing $200,000 in damage. Which is ironic because to most people in L.A., selfies are an art form.

Senator Ted Cruz has offered an amendment to the health care bill calling for bare bones insurance plans. Which are the policies that cover so little that when you get sick you eventually end up as bare bones.

Turkey has fired 7,400 civil servants they claimed were linked to terror activities. Or as we call those people in the U.S., workers at the DMV.

A 26 year old California man has been sentenced to 16 years in prison for killing 21 cats. His defense is that those cats just became too curious.

A study says that working more than 55 hours a week can harm a person’s health. Especially when their wife finds out all those late nights at the office weren’t really being spent at the office.

A study says being generous makes people happier. Mostly from knowing they have enough money that it won’t hurt them if they actually give some of it away.

A study says being generous makes people happier. And a yearly income of $75 Million also makes it very happy to be Ellen DeGeneres.

Keith Conners, a psychologist who set the standard for diagnosing ADHD has died at age 84. The family says there will be no chairs at the services to accommodate the people who just can’t sit still.

Keith Conners, a psychologist who set the standard for diagnosing ADHD has died at age 84. Apparently the cause of death was injuries sustained after being distracted.

Rapper DMX has pleaded not guilty to dodging a $1.7 Million tax debt. He could get away with it as what jury would believe DMX made enough money to have a $1.7 Million tax bill?

United Airlines is apologizing after sending the dog of Rapper ScHoolboy Q to the wrong city. The irony is that the dog’s luggage made it safely to its destination right on time.

Samsung has unveiled a 34 foot LED TV screen. Although if you need a TV screen that large, it might be cheaper to go out and get a new pair of glasses.

Shania Twain will headline the opening night’s ceremonies at the U.S. Open. The only problem for performers will be keeping the noise level down as the last thing they want at a tennis tournament is too much racket.

Giants pitcher Johnny Cueto developed blisters on his throwing hand which is  questioning if baseballs have been “juiced” to increase the number of home runs. At least it’s better than the old way of getting more home runs by juicing the players.

The general manager of the Mets says he doesn’t see the team calling up Tim Tebow in September. At least not to be in the lineup. However, it may be practical to have someone as religious as Tebow around to give the team its last rites.

U.S. Olympic athlete Gil Roberts says the reason he failed a drug test was because he kissed his girlfriend who was using a banned substance. Which means he could be off the hook, especially if it turns out he is dating Lindsay Lohan.

Ryan Lochte has been cleared of charges stemming from the Rio Olympics where he was accused of falsely communicating a crime. Mostly because officials realized it’s impossible to comprehend when Lochte is trying to communicate about anything.

Terri Valenti has become the first woman instant replay official in NFL history. Her most difficult task during games will be trying to get the remote control away from the men.

A report says some baseball teams are offering nap rooms where players and workers can recharge after long hours at the ballpark. The only other place used specifically for catching up on sleep is the general admissions seats for Phillies fans.

A recycling program allows people to use Amazon shipping boxes to send others old or recycled goods they no longer want. Which is pretty much just like Amazon.

A report says the iPhone 8 could sell for as much as $1,400. Which for buyers works out to $700 a month for the two months they will have it until the iPhone 9 comes out.

Scientists say the Sun is pretty much an ordinary star. Which is just something they would never even think of saying about Streisand.

Nevada Governor Brian Sandoval says he still doesn’t support the Senate health care bill. Apparently he prefers the Las Vegas style of health insurance which is paying off medical bills by putting everything you own on the Roulette table on “red.”

Sylvester Stallone has posted a picture from a deleted scene from the original “Rocky.” Apparently it is the scene where he said something that could actually be understood.

A report says Donald Trump’s legal bills are growing, which were $677,000 just for April through June. When Trump said he would create jobs, people thought he meant other than just in the legal profession.

35 year old Roger Federer won his 19th Grand Slam title at Wimbledon beating 28 year old Marin Cilic in the finals. Not to say Federer is getting old, but it was distracting to Cilic when on the grass surface he kept yelling to “Get off my lawn!”

The Wimbledon Finals this year included 35 year old Roger Federer and 37 year old Venus Williams. That is approximately the age equivalence of a 12 year old winning an Olympic gold medal in gymnastics.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Roger Federer won Wimbledon for the eighth time at age 35. That is old. It is so old, if he were an American citizen he would just now be able to qualify to run for President. But that is a bad example since apparently they pretty much dropped actually needing any qualifications to run for that office. Just like anyone can get on the Internet and write a bunch of bad jokes. And we do. But I get my version of the first place trophy every time you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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