Friday, July 14, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Reports say the government is considering action over fears Amazon is getting too big. That will take place right after Amazon makes good on its delivery to the military for a fleet of fighter jets and materials for nuclear warheads.

A study says having sex once a week slows the aging process. Which is just more bad news for all married couples.

A study says having sex once a week slows the aging process. Mostly from the additional exercise men get running away from their wives when they catch them in the act.

A Texas man who became stuck inside a room with an ATM slipped pieces of paper saying “Help me” through the slot to get people’s attention. He would have gotten it a lot faster if instead he started passing out $20 bills.

A report says Americans are hoarding money in their checking accounts, with as much as $2 Trillion saved up. The only problem is that they have outstanding checks they have written totaling $5 Trillion.

The world’s largest Ferris Wheel is being built in Dubai at more than 600 feet tall. That’s all the people need there when it’s 120 degrees outside is to find a way to get even closer to the Sun.

A study says ravens can plan ahead. Like when they do something they don’t enjoy and when asked when they will try it again say “Nevermore.”

A study says ravens can plan ahead. Especially the ones who can be seen on their smartphone using an organizer app.

An Australian man had his big toe transplanted in place of a lost thumb. So now he can catch himself with his hands when he falls after losing his balance from missing his toe.

An Australian man had his big toe transplanted in place of a lost thumb. Which works out because since it’s harder to walk around with a missing toe, he can now use it to hitch a ride.

Engineers are planning to simulate a 6.7 magnitude earthquake at the University of San Diego. Apparently the plan calls for inviting Chris Christie to give the graduation commencement speech.

Engineers are planning to simulate a 6.7 magnitude earthquake at the University of California San Diego. Which would have been a lot easier to just transfer to UCLA where those pretty much occur naturally every other week.

People in the UK will soon be able to use texts and voicemail to make their wills. Which would come in handy in the U.S. where drivers who crash their car because they are texting behind the wheel can write out their final will right before impact.

92 year old Jimmy Carter was hospitalized after collapsing while working on a Habitat house. To which other 90 year olds were sympathetic, saying if he isn’t careful he won’t be able to work long enough to retire.

Donald Trump and French President Macron dined together at the Eiffel Tower. Trump was not impressed, saying there is no comparison to the Trump Tower as that Eiffel guy didn’t even put in any walls, floors or luxury suites.

A report says the GOP health care bill could allow cheaper insurance plans with fewer benefits. That includes the extreme basic plan where a monthly fee includes being fitted for the proper size casket.

A report says the GOP health care bill could allow cheaper insurance plans with fewer benefits. Which means having a hospital plan which excludes use of the ER, ICU and maternity ward and just makes provisions for access to the morgue.

The Justice Department has charged hundreds in a nationwide health care and opioid fraud scheme. In order to get away with crimes like that, people need to first incorporate as an insurance or pharmaceutical company.

Mayim Bialik of “The Big Bang Theory” says she returned to acting because she needed health insurance. If anyone thinks we don’t have a health care crisis, just ask why someone with a Ph.D. making $12 Million a year can’t just pay the doctor in cash.

A report says state lotteries are losing revenue from “jackpot fatigue” and casinos. Apparently jackpot fatigue is the feeling of being tired from seeing everyone else becoming millionaires.

A report says state lotteries are losing revenue from “jackpot fatigue” and casinos. Mostly from people feeling the chance to win $100 Million just isn’t quite enough incentive to part with that last dollar in their wallet.

Condoleezza Rice says she wants women to use gold the way men do. It’s amazing how much of a career boost it can be when you are given a membership at Augusta National.

Protesters are expected at the U.S. Women’s Open at a Donald Trump. Although it will lose some of the effect when they are on the course chanting “You’re fired, Trump!” in a golf whisper.

The CBO says the Trump budget won’t balance even after ten years. Which is no surprise seeing as how many people in the White House and Congress are completely unbalanced.

Investors say former pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli was shady, but profitable. In other words, he acted like some kind of CEO of a pharmaceutical company.

Visa says it will pay restaurants $10,000 to go cash free. Which is no problem for Chipotle which has not seen any cash since their E. coli breakouts.

Visa says it will pay restaurants $10,000 to go cash free. Although after the advance fee, late charges and interest, the restaurants will be left with about $7.45.

A school in England has banned Fitbits out of concern students will skip lunch if they don’t meet their targets. Although if the students would skip lunch a bit more often, they wouldn’t need to be wearing a Fitbit in the first place.

A rabid groundhog was found at a Maryland zoo. Apparently he was the one who was calling for six more weeks of winter.

A study says “observation” is best for low risk prostate cancer. The worst part for doctors is what they have to do in order to observe a patient’s prostate gland.

Companies are helping people make videos to leave a digital legacy for loved ones. As opposed to the old days when a digital legacy meant giving relatives the finger and writing them out of the will.

The director of the film “The Batman” says he will not use the script written by star Ben Affleck. Mostly because the plot involved Batman working as a janitor at a prestigious university who falls in love with a Harvard student.

Donny Wahlberg from New Kids on the Block left a $2,000 tip at a North Carolina Waffle House. Mostly just because the 47 year old has defied all predictions that by age 50 he would be working at a Waffle House.

Conor McGregor is facing financial penalties if he uses any MMA tactics in his boxing match against Floyd Mayweather. Although he says he only intends to use an armbar lockout if he needs to in order to get his check from the promoter.

 A study says tall men are at a greater risk of prostate cancer. Apparently at a certain height there just aren’t any doctors with fingers long enough to do the exam.

A prosecutor says he thinks O.J. Simpson will be paroled. That isn’t hard to believe about the justice system for someone who serves 9 years for simple robbery and walks on a double murder.

The president of the UFC says Donald Trump won’t show up at the Mayweather-McGregor fight because he feels he could “ruin” the occasion. To which Hillary Clinton was saying the same thing about her coronation back in November.

Scientists say they successfully teleported a photon into space. But then who is going to be able to prove them wrong?

Scientists say they successfully teleported a photon into space. The bad news is now they can’t find it anywhere.

The Olympic Channel, devoted to only Olympic sports will debut on TV this week. Although it might get a little old watching an image of the Olympic flame alongside a clock counting down to the 2018 Winter Games.

The Olympic Channel, devoted to only Olympic sports will debut on TV this week. During the offseason, weekends will consist of Bode Miller seeing how many beers he can shoot while still staying on his skis for an entire downhill run.

The Olympic Channel, devoted to only Olympic sports will debut on TV this week. For filler during the offseason, they will air all the episodes of “Cops” featuring confrontations with Ryan Lochte.

A new vending machine can be made to sell ammunition along with alcohol. There are already orders for several dozen to be placed in the lobby of the NRA headquarters.

A new vending machine can be made to sell ammunition along with alcohol. Now what could possibly go wrong with innovative technology like that?

A new vending machine can be made to sell ammunition along with alcohol. Just add a few bottles of Mountain Dew and there will be one on every corner in Alabama.

A new vending machine can be made to sell ammunition along with alcohol. Just throw in some condoms and that will make it the official Saturday night party machine for Texas.

Uber has given up their fight to run service in Russia. Mostly because in Russia, the idea of Uber is having all the passengers get out so they can push around the Yugo that responded to their call.

Goldman Sachs has relaxed their dress code in order to attract tech workers. Mostly because it just doesn’t seem right to show up in an Armani suit with a beard, manbun and tennis shoes.

Goldman Sachs has relaxed their dress code in order to attract tech workers. Although the traders will still be prohibited from dressing up like Captain Kirk, Harry Potter or a Jedi.

A large number of hippos were reportedly killed in Niger by villagers who blamed them for destroying crops and livestock. It was the worst game ever of “Hungry Hungry Hippos.”

A study says polar bear attacks on humans are increasing. People should be made aware that the animals are shy and don’t necessarily take kindly to tourists trying to include them in their selfies.

A study says polar bear attacks on humans are increasing. Mostly ever since global warming has made it pretty much no difference for polar bears to live in the Arctic or move down to winter in Miami Beach.

Trains in Melbourne, Australia went into a meltdown after a computer glitch. Apparently someone got into the transportation computer system and accidentally installed the software meant for Amtrak.

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton say that it is important for a President to be humble in victory. To which Donald Trump says that’s a nice idea but it doesn’t apply to him since he didn’t actually win the vote.

A report says few places would lose more than Kentucky under the GOP health care bill. It’s just too bad the people there don’t have the power to vote out the person who actually came up with the whole idea of repealing Obamacare in the first place.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday. Enough said. I can use a weekend as I suppose all of you can as well. I get a break from writing the jokes, and you get some relief from reading them. That is a real win-win. But I still get a bigger reward when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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