Thursday, July 13, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Rand Paul says the Senate GOP is going to end up just keeping Obamacare. Which means when Donald Trump says the health care law would be repealed on day one, apparently he meant day one of hell freezing over.

Rand Paul says the Senate GOP is going to end up just keeping Obamacare. Just because the Republicans made it a central campaign issue for the past eight years doesn’t mean they actually meant to ever do anything about it.

 Tumblr has released the personal information of users who shared revenge porn. Which is a wake up call to behave properly for the seven people who actually still use Tumblr.

An expert says the growing sophistication of sex robots is leading to moral and legal dilemmas. For one thing, when a sex robot says 10010110, it means 10010110.

Nancy Pelosi called Donald Trump “President Bush” in a speech for the fifth time. She later apologized, saying she meant to confuse him with President Nixon.

Georgia Senator David Perdue says time is running out on Congress passing the Trump agenda. After only six months, how worried are even the Republicans that Donald Trump isn’t going to be able to stay in office the full four years?

Mark Zuckerberg says Facebook is actually stopping men from cheating on their wives. Usually after they realize the social media site has caused them to lose half of what they own for the third time.

North Korea is warning it will turn the U.S. into a “pile of ash.” So they are the ones behind starting all those wildfires out west.

A judge has ruled that data from the pacemaker of an Ohio man can be used as evidence in his arson trial. Apparently he is going to have to use the Maalox Defense as this is turning into a classic case of heartburn.

A judge has ruled that data from the pacemaker of an Ohio man can be used as evidence in his arson trial. Apparently he took Gary Wright’s lyrics a bit too literally when he sang “My heart is on fire.”

Broadcasters are planning to confront the NFL over the recent drop in advertising during games. Apparently fans are starting to tune out to the ads after having to watch three hours of commercials for nothing but beer, trucks and Viagra.

Harvard is proposing banning fraternities and sororities from their campus. Mostly because who needs to rely on connections from the Greek societies when you have a diploma that says you graduated from Harvard?

New York City is launching a $32 Million plan to reduce the city’s rat population. Which could be done for a lot less money than that by just shutting down the subway system.

New York City is launching a $32 Million plan to reduce the city’s rat population. They got the idea from the Pizza Rat to just put thousands of boxes of pizza into the sewer system and like everyone else watch them die from morbid obesity.

The Balearic Islands including Majorca and Ibiza are asking the EU to limit the amount of alcohol served on flights there. Which is ironic as drinking massive quantities of alcohol is how most people end up in Ibiza or Majorca in the first place.

State officials in Nevada are taking emergency measures over a shortage of legalized marijuana. Apparently the people there in the meantime will just have to make do with the available cocaine, heroine, opioids, morphine, meth…

State officials in Nevada are taking emergency measures over a shortage of legalized marijuana. The problem with the pot is when it is fully available, it could lead to the inevitable bankruptcy of every casino buffet in Las Vegas.

A massive iceberg break from Antarctica is so large that researchers are saying maps will have to be redrawn. Which is good news for the company that will now be able to sell new maps of Antarctica to the three people who actually need one.

A massive iceberg break from Antarctica is so large that researchers are saying maps will have to be redrawn. Apparently the area, instead of being labeled on maps as “ice” will now be designated as “almost ice.”

14 Trump hotels have been reportedly hacked, compromising the personal information of guests. Although the hotels have notified guests that the only ones who had information taken are the ones who are actually registered voters.

A California Democratic congressman has launched a bid to impeach Donald Trump. Although Trump has nothing to worry about as long as the Democrats run the impeachment proceedings with the same competency as they do their campaigns.

A poll says Republicans, Baby Boomers and northeasterners are the biggest tippers. Mostly because Democrats, Millennials and southerners are the ones who can only afford to eat at restaurants that don’t require tipping the cashier taking their order.

Donald Trump ventured outside of Fox News to give an interview with Pat Robertson. Apparently he figured Robertson would be easy on him since Trump feels that he is technically Robertson’s boss.

A House panel has lifted the ban on slaughtering horses for meat. To which Tack Bell is saying “There was a ban?”

A House panel has lifted the ban on slaughtering horses for meat. If nothing else, that will be great for the trainers at the Kentucky Derby who want to give their horses a real incentive to cross the finish line in first or else.

United Airlines is using a new plan to resell overbooked seats ahead of time. Now they just call passengers and ask them if they would prefer a different flight or would it be OK to just drag them off the plane by their heels?

A study says that eating even a little more healthy will help people live longer. Which is good news for people who know they can add some time to their lives by just cutting out pouring gravy over their ice cream.

A study says that eating even a little more healthy will help people live longer. That can be done by cutting out just one ingredient from each meal of their regular diet of fat, salt and sugar.

Researchers say a new heart imaging method may be able to predict heart attacks. It’s not an X-Ray, just a picture of their shirt showing the stains of Big Mac sauce, French fry grease and Velveeta.

Jessica Biel says her marriage to Justin Timberlake is based on “loyalty and honesty.” And how much better are you going to do than each of you having a spouse who is incredibly good looking, wealthy and famous?

Jessica Biel says her marriage to Justin Timberlake is based on “loyalty and honesty.” To which everyone else in Hollywood is saying “What and what?”

LeBron James-backed pizza restaurant Blaze Pizza is the fastest growing chain in history. Not only that, but investors are amazed that a pizzeria has been able to expand that fast in Ohio where they haven’t even legalized pot yet.

NFL relocation fees boosted the Green Bay Packers income to $72.8 Million in 2017. Which is ironic in that the team could quadruple its income if it would only cough up the money to move to another city besides Green Bay, Wisconsin.

The NBA will drop the number of team timeouts from 18 to 14 in each game. That still leaves 172 commercial timeouts for televised games and 25 official timeouts to review flops in games with Manu Ginobili.

The Cowboys have topped the Yankees for the top sports franchise with a net value of $4.2 Billion. Although if the beer and hot dog concessions are included, the Yanks win easily with the total jumping to $7.3 Trillion.

Cardinals coach Bruce Arians says Colin Kaepernick can play in the right system. Which most flag wavers agree with, especially when the system referred to is the prison system.

Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says the bats are to blame for the recent spike in home runs. Which is true, as they will see the home run totals drop dramatically the minute they outlaw the use of bats.

Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says the bats are to blame for the recent spike in home runs. Suspicions were raised especially with so many players now coming to the plate using the new Sammy Sosa autograph model.

Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says the bats are to blame for the recent spike in home runs. Apparently it’s those 55 ounce bats that are being used now that players have become strong enough to swing them thanks to steroids.

Aaron Rogers says he is on “the back nine” of his career. Which apparently means his decline in skills has nothing to do with his focus being on another sport besides football.

A Verizon partner’s data breach has exposed millions of customer records. Customers are afraid the information will be made public so everyone else will know that they are paying too much for their cellphone service.

A report says the Samsung Galaxy Note 8 will be announced in August. As with all Samsung phones, the actual event will be billed as a fire sale.

Amazon Prime Day was reportedly the biggest sale day in company history. After all returns and refunds are completed, Amazon could net as much as $30.

Amazon Prime Day was reportedly the biggest sale day in company history. It just shows that Americans cannot resist any gimmick that is created to sucker them into buying useless, cheap crap they can’t afford.

Microsoft’s Seeing AI app describes the world to blind people. Like if it is pointed at a TV set showing an episode of “The Kardashians,” the app tells them “now if you were also deaf, it would be perfect.”

Microsoft’s Seeing AI app describes the world to blind people. The worst part is when the app tells you there is a gang of teenagers approaching who are about to steal your cellphone.

Dating site Bumble has a new “SuperSwipe” feature to indicate a high level of interest. Which is not to be confused with the super swipe that refers to the money taken from their customers who have no luck finding any quality dates online.

Dating site Bumble has a new “SuperSwipe” feature to indicate a high level of interest. Although you have to be a little suspect of a dating site named for moving in a confused or awkward manner.

Scientists are excited after finding a 150,000 year old baby tooth in Siberia. The tooth apparently was dislodged after months of constant teeth chattering from living in Siberia.

Scientists are excited after finding a 150,000 year old baby tooth in Siberia. Even better is that with compounded daily interest, the owner of the tooth is now owed $7 Million by the Tooth Fairy.

Donald Trump left for Paris on Wednesday amid troubles back home in Washington, D.C. How bad have things gotten when you are expecting a warmer welcome from the people in France?

Kim Jong-un and his wife hosted a banquet honoring the makers of the recently tested ICBM. Which means the launch was a success or else Kim Jong-un would instead be hosting their funeral.

The U.S. has reportedly hit its refugee limit for 2017. Although that is being disputed by Donald Trump, who says the U.S. actually hit its refugee limit sometime back in 1965.

Alec Baldwin says he will play Donald Trump on “Saturday Night Live” as long as he is President. Which the way things are going means that Baldwin should have that gig for about another four months.

Donald Trump’s new personal attorney has a history of representing families involved in organized crime. Which will be a new venture for the lawyer who says with this client there is nothing they have done that is even close to being organized.

The White House and Defense Secretary Jim Mattis are both against a congressional plan to create a military branch dedicated to space. Mostly because Donald Trump says he will wait until his second term to launch his attack against the Martians.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news on a personal note. I just found out about the passing of an old friend who I worked with at my very first job in broadcasting back in 1980. I met Jeff Deitch at KDGO radio in Durango, Colorado and we became good friends right off the bat. Even though he was very young, he was very smart and mature and taught me a lot about news and broadcasting. He ended up leaving the business and becoming a lawyer but never really found happiness in his life. Even though we hadn’t talked in years we still asked about each other through my sister who still lives there. While none of you have ever heard of Jeff, I just thought it would be worth a mention here as meeting people like that in the course of a lifetime is rare and I hope if you know someone like that you cherish them and stay in touch more often. I will miss Jeff and hope that he has found the peace he never seemed able to achieve in his short time on this planet. Make sure to send a thought to someone special in your life today, and never stop remembering to always keep on sending the love!


No comments: