Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says the super rich are buying nuclear safe bunkers in Kansas to survive an apocalyptic event. Which is pretty much any house there as what country would ever think it was worth their while to actually attack Kansas?

A report says the super rich are buying nuclear safe bunkers in Kansas to survive an apocalyptic event. The only question is how could anyone tell when a nuclear bomb actually hit Kansas?

Researchers say a messy desk could be a sign of genius. They say they will offer more proof when they can actually find where they left the report.

A Canadian man was struck by lightning while giving his daughter’s wedding speech. Apparently the strike was meant for the daughter for trying to get away with getting married wearing white.

A Canadian man was struck by lightning while giving his daughter’s wedding speech. The good news is that it just prepared him for the shock he will get when he finally receives the bill for the reception.

A Washington State man is being charged with sending a bomb along with one of his fingers to the IRS. The bomb part is very serious but the rest of the case may be dropped as who hasn’t wanted to give the IRS the finger?

A Washington State man is being charged with sending a bomb along with one of his fingers to the IRS. He apparently sent the finger as he mistook what was meant by filing a digital return.

The U.S. stance on the Paris climate accord is stalling Turkey’s ratification of the measure. If any country should be concerned about global warming, it should be Turkey which has a direct connection to the Butterball Hotline.

Six Middle Eastern airports have earned their way off the DHS laptop ban. Apparently they called out the Trump Administration, saying banning people from taking laptops on a flight results in pretty much the same thing as a travel ban.

Microsoft says it wants to bring 2 Million rural Americans online by 2022. Mostly by giving them computers that run on any other system other than Windows.

An Air Canada jet had a near miss with other airliners after the plane nearly tried a landing on a taxiway. No one had any idea that Air Canada had hired Harrison Ford as a pilot.

Donald Trump, in addressing Donald Trump, Jr.’s possible collusion with Russians before the election called his son a “high quality person.” Which shows how close they are because what besides furniture is ever referred to that way by a parent?

An analysis says the McConnell health care bill benefits the wealthy and hurts the poor. To which members of Congress are saying “And the problem is…?”

Chipotle says it will start offering chips and queso dip. Because for a restaurant that has had problems with bacterial outbreaks, what could possibly go wrong with having a vat of melted cheese sitting around all day?

A new startup called “Brendless” is offering supermarket items online for $3 each. It’s for people who want to show they have reached the point of financial success where they can now buy things for three times what they cost at the dollar store.

The Senate is delaying its August recess for two weeks in order to try to pass the health care bill. Senators are willing to give up vacation time because they know the first casualty of the health care crisis will be their political career.

The Senate is delaying its August recess for two weeks in order to try to pass the health care bill. Having 100 people still in Washington, D.C. in August will look like an episode right out of “Lost.”

A report says California seniors are tapping into payday loans to get by. The only problem for anyone over 50 to be able to prove there is still such a thing as a payday.

 A report says California seniors are tapping into payday loans to get by. The only problem is losing their home on a $50 loan that comes with a 4,000% interest rate.

Takata has added 2.7 Million vehicles to its airbag recall, making the total worldwide 42 Million. At that point why aren’t they pretty much saying they need to replace them all?

Advocates say the new health care bill that cuts Medicaid for low-income children is “not good for kids.” To which politicians in support of the legislation say it isn’t a problem for them as long as the voting age isn’t lowered to 12.

A startup called GoPuff has raised $8 Million for a late-night only service that delivers snack foods right to the doorstep. Which leaves no doubt that after the legalization of pot who a snack company named “Go Puff” is catering to.

A startup called GoPuff has raised $8 Million for a late-night only service that delivers snack foods right to the doorstep. Mostly because it gets there faster than the 20 mph a stoner will drive to get to the store after smoking weed all night.

A report says robots will eventually take over the job of real estate appraisals. Mostly because anymore, the appraisal for possible home buyers is “more than you could possibly afford.”

A report says a meningitis vaccine may protect against gonorrhea. Which is making women suspicious when their husbands keep saying they need to go to the doctor because they think they have meningitis again.

A report says a meningitis vaccine may protect against gonorrhea. The news caused men all over the world to give one big clap.

Health experts say they are worried about an 80% increase in smoking in movies. Although religious groups say it’s OK as long as it doesn’t happen after sex.

A poll says the public is giving no clear guidance to Congress over health care reform. You would think that Americans had the idea they were electing people who could figure out a way to get things done on their own.

A poll says the public is giving no clear guidance to Congress over health care reform. Mostly because the polls show that people hate Obamacare but they really like the Affordable Care Act.

Spain’s Iberia Airlines has been fined for making flight attendants take a pregnancy test before being hired. The worst part was when three of the male attendants’ tests came back positive.

Spain’s Iberia Airlines has been fined for making flight attendants take a pregnancy test before being hired. Apparently the airlines’ union agreement says that the pilots get the first crack at knocking up all of the new attendants.

Police in South Carolina are being required to learn to spot mental illness. The problem is that South Carolina is the one place people carrying a Confederate flag and carrying a gun with a bottle of Jack Daniels are considered perfectly normal.

Doctors are warning against a product that offers chocolate powder meant to be snorted. Although after looking at the size of their patients, they should also be telling people to also stop inhaling their meals.

Kermit the Frog will be getting a new voice for the first time in 27 years as Steve Whitmire will be replaced. Apparently Kermit kept complaining of having a human in his throat.

Jay-Z says his marriage to Beyonce has not built on “100% truth.” Which means he could soon be down to 50% of what he owns.

Jay-Z says his marriage to Beyonce has not built on “100% truth.” In other words, he has confessed to being a man.

Jay-Z says his marriage to Beyonce has not built on “100% truth.” The way to tell their marriage is fixed is when Jay-Z feels it is once again safe enough to get inside an elevator with Beyonce’s sister Solange.

Wiz Khalifa’s “See You Again” has become the most watched video in YouTue history with nearly 2.9 Billion views. The rapper can be proud knowing he has now barely edged out a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

Joe Montana says the reason Colin Kaepernick is not being picked up by any NFL teams is because the league’s defenses have figured him out. Apparently they know on every snap to play the National Anthem and he will just take a knee.

USC quarterback Sam Darnold is trying to discourage the Jets and other teams from tanking their season in order to get him in the draft. To which the Jets are saying “Who’s tanking?”

A nonprofit is offering college scholarships based on students’ abilities at fantasy football. Mostly just so the schools can say they have people on football scholarships who will actually graduate.

The USGA says it doesn’t know if Donald Trump will show up at his golf course where the U.S. Women’s Open is being played this year. They’re just hoping if he does show up it won’t be in a golf cart demanding they let him play through.

Los Angeles and Paris have been chosen to host the 2024 and 2028 Olympics, although it hasn’t been determined which year each city will get. L.A. is favored for 2028 because no matter what, Donald Trump will not still be President by then.

Los Angeles and Paris have been chosen to host the 2024 and 2028 Olympics, although it hasn’t been determined which year each city will get. It’s a matter of who has better air quality first. L.A. will have to get people to park their cars and Paris will have to introduce their people to soap and deodorant.

A study says cyberbullying is relatively rare among 15 year olds. Mostly because terrorizing someone online just doesn’t have the same immediate gratification as giving them an atomic wedgie in person.

A former NASA engineer has built the world’s largest super soaker that can shoot water at 272 mph. Which may explain why he is a former engineer at NASA.

A former NASA engineer has built the world’s largest super soaker that can shoot water at 272 mph. Didn’t we already have that? It’s called a “fire truck.”

A survey says 41% of adults have been harassed online. The other 59% are smart enough to do something on the computer besides getting into social media sites.

A survey says 41% of adults have been harassed online. The worst part is it is usually being fat shamed on Facebook by their own kids.

Netflix and Amazon are planning to rally the Internet in support of Net Neutrality this week. They want people to have the total freedom to stream programming for binge watching all day on Netflix while they buy useless crap on Amazon.

A report says Donald Trump’s family members are urging him to replace Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. Which means Ivanka is at the point where she wants a job in the White House that comes with an actual title.

Trey Gowdy says the “drip, drip, drip” on Russia is undermining the Trump Administration. Leave it to a politician to undersell a problem in his own party as a leaky faucet when everyone else is looking at Niagara Falls.

MSNBC host Joe Scarborough says he is leaving the Republican Party. Which pretty much kills any rumors that he might be considering a jump over to Fox News.

Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says changes are imminent for 2018. Not to say that there is concern about the games taking so much longer but Manfred is just hoping that the 2018 season doesn’t go into 2019.

Two players at the World Series of Poker got into an altercation when one of them was texting at the table. The worst part is he was texting his girlfriend to ask her if a full house beats two pair.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The All-Star Game was won by the American League in extra innings last night. Nothing like watching a meaningless game take four hours to end with a 2-1 score. Congratulations, Major League Baseball! You have now wandered into territory once monopolized by pro soccer. I’m just mad because our late news came on after the game and we had to wait through the entire snooze-fest. At least if the game didn’t put everyone to sleep, they always had my follow-up weathercast. But it just gave me a little extra time to give you even more jokes to peruse through. Don’t blame me, this one is all on the All-Stars. I will say the way to make me feel like an All-Star is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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