Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A movement has started to draft Duane “The Rock” Johnson to run for President in 2020. Now that we’ve had a movie star and reality TV show host as presidents, it’s only a matter of time before he announces his running mate as Kim Kardashian.

A high school student scored a rare exclusive interview with Defense Secretary Jim Mattis. The interview got in depth answers about his favorite subject, how he deals with pimples and his thoughts on the breakup of One Direction.

A high school student scored a rare exclusive interview with Defense Secretary Jim Mattis. The most revealing answer was as the leader of the military, what’s his best strategy for “World of Warcraft”?

The average credit scores of Americans has reach an all-time high. At least until it comes time to pay for all the stuff they bought on time and can’t afford.

A survey says 74% of all New York City subway riders have been late to where they are going in the past three months. Mostly while they were delayed by being groped, mugged or thrown off the station platform.

A study says working out nerves instead of muscles is the best way to increase strength. It turns out the best way to work your nerves to their ends is to have two or three teenagers running around the house.

A group of women bandits in South Africa are kidnapping men, drugging them and forcing them to give sperm that they sell for good luck. Or as that is called in the U.S., a pretty good Saturday night.

A 110 year old woman in Texas says the secret to her longevity is eating spicy food. Hers is the one room at the senior home that instead of old persons’ smell has the odor of Lysol.

Jeff Bezos, Warren Buffett and Carlos Slim are pleading poverty to help their newspapers deal with competition from Google. Although if any of them ever ran a Google search about newspapers, they wouldn’t have bought one in the first place.

A survey says men, Republicans and people in the northeast tend to be the best tippers. People were surprised at the news. There are Republicans who live in the northeast?

A report says 19% of people 65 and older still work at least part time. The other 81% would but they have to spend all their spare time babysitting their grandchildren for free so their parents can try to make a living.

A new drug shows promise of restoring the memory to brain damaged mice. The only question is how would the researchers even know?

A new drug shows promise of restoring the memory to brain damaged mice. Mostly so they know not to go near that mousetrap again that snapped them on the head.

A California teenager bought two lottery scratch off tickets that won her a total of $650,000. It was almost as valuable and hard to win as the other lottery California teens are always trying to win. A full ride college scholarship.

A study says Medicaid enrollees are largely satisfied with the access and quality of care. Mostly because the alternative is pretty much getting sick and dying.

The Vatican has said no to requests for gluten free wafers at communion. What’s next, replacing the wine with strawberry daiquiris?

7-Eleven stores will start selling Soylent meal replacement drinks. Although when it comes to replacing the other 7-Eleven meals of Slim Jims and a Slurpee, it just means drinking a mixture of fat, sugar and salt.

A survey says 2 Million more Americans, mostly young adults are uninsured this year. Mostly because after trying to pay off their college loans with a minimum wage job, the insurance takes a back seat to buying food and trying to pay the rent.

A survey says 1 in 3 tech workers say their boss has a negative impact on the company culture. Which is the first time anyone has ever used “tech workers” and “culture” in the same sentence.

A survey says 1 in 3 tech workers say their boss has a negative impact on the company culture. The question is, what kind of culture did they expect when they took a job driving for Uber?

A survey says 1 in 3 tech workers say their boss has a negative impact on the company culture. Which is understandable as the boss finally gets to boss around the people responsible for their semi-permanent wedgie all through high school.

New fares and fees are responsible for raising airline revenues even higher in the past year. The one to watch out for is United’s hidden “punched out and dragged off the plane by airport police” fee.

A report says some Uber drivers are working dangerously long shifts. Mostly because there is nothing as hazardous as the thought of even five minutes of being stuck with an Uber passenger driving around in a Prius.

Wells Fargo is set to pay $142 Million in a settlement over their fake accounts scandal. The bad part is the company wants to pay it off with Confederate cash, Monopoly money and wooden nickels.

Wells Fargo is set to pay $142 Million in a settlement over their fake accounts scandal. Although customers need to be wary of the bank’s attempt to settle up with an equivalent amount of Pets.com stock.

Studies say that drinking coffee is linked to a decrease in the risk of death. Except for the heart attack that happens when people get their monthly bill from Starbucks.

Studies say that drinking coffee is linked to a decrease in the risk of death, especially from diabetes and liver disease. Except for the people who dump a whole container of sugar in the coffee they are drinking to cure their hangover.

A study says Lumosity brain training doesn’t boost people’s thinking skills. Except to teach them how to avoid getting ripped off by companies like Lumosity.

A study says people with a strong purpose in life sleep better than others. Mostly because the others can’t sleep because their purpose in life is playing online video games all night.

A study says step count data can predict a person’s obesity. Except when the steps that are counted just go from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

A study says medication mistakes are on the rise. Mostly because people keep taking their meds even when they don’t need them because they don’t want to waste the fortune it cost to buy them.

A study says medication mistakes are on the rise. Mostly because it’s tough to keep track of the liver pills needed to offset the kidney medication which then requires pills for the stomach, intestines and spleen.

A study says tobacco use has increased 80% in top grossing movies. And there is no better way to make a movie gross than have someone smoking cigarettes and using chewing tobacco.

A study says tobacco use has increased 80% in top grossing movies. Mostly because cigarettes are cool again since tobacco is about the only drug that is actually getting more difficult and expensive to buy.

A study says hospital noise can reach up to 72 decibels and can prevent patients from getting a good night’s sleep. Although doctors like the noise as it helps cover up the sound of people screaming when they get their final hospital bill.

A study says people tend to put on sunscreen wrong. Like when a woman catches her husband having it put on all over his body by their 19 year old nanny.

Liam Hemsworth released a photo of his fiancée Miley Cyrus calling her his “little angel.” Little angel? Which brings up the question has he been in some kind of coma since 2013?

The cast of “Jersey Shore” is reportedly filming a secret reunion episode. Apparently they long for the good old days as it’s been five years since they were involved in a good brawl.

The cast of “Jersey Shore” is reportedly filming a secret reunion episode. Besides the one they have every week at the unemployment office.

The cast of “Jersey Shore” is reportedly filming a secret reunion episode. Apparently they want to celebrate the fact they are now not the least popular representatives of New Jersey thanks to Chris Christie.

Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says he has three cities in mind for an eventual expansion of baseball. Upon hearing the news, the people of Philadelphia were the ones most excited about the thought of some day having a major league team.

Jeffrey Loria is set to sell the Miami Marlins to Jorge Mas for $1.17 Billion. The sale came during All-Star week in Miami made the sale by convincing Mas that it was just another home game and the players on the field are all Marlins.

 Jeffrey Loria is set to sell the Miami Marlins to Jorge Mas for $1.17 Billion. Apparently “Mas” is not just the name of the new owner, it was the only word in Spanish that Loria knew to use in negotiating the price.

Lonzo ball is reportedly out with a groin injury. If your first game as a pro is a 2 for 15 performance and you end up with a groin injury, you are probably shooting the basketball all wrong.

A study says people will connect with any free Wi-Fi despite knowing the risks. Which is no surprise as married men still connect with women on Facebook knowing it could cost them half of everything they own.

The IRS is warning tax professionals about the risks of phishing attacks aimed at stealing information about their clients. Tax preparers are ignoring the advice because even hackers don’t end up ripping off their clients as much as the IRS.

Woolworths online ordering crashed this week. Which was bad news for the three Woolworths customers who actually know how to use a computer.

Woolworths online ordering crashed this week. Apparently their tech team had an issue being able to allow rotary phones to connect with their manual cash registers.

The president of the White House Correspondents Association says he was asked by the White House to criticize another reporter’s article. Apparently that was the one day Donald Trump didn’t have enough time to get on Twitter and do it himself.

A survey says most Republicans say colleges have a negative impact on the country. Mostly because they are the ones who mostly signed up to take courses through Trump University.

A survey says most Republicans say colleges have a negative impact on the country. Mostly because people who go to college learn to count and end up questioning why we have had two of the past three presidents take office while getting fewer votes.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am always here for you, even after a long day yesterday where I had to go on the air for two and a half straight hours during a Tornado Warning in our region. I also ended up buying a car for my daughter but still had time to crank out some jokes for your viewing pleasure. Or misery. They seem to be interchangeable with my work. I just can’t resist giving you the opportunity to make me happy by remembering to always keep on sending the love!

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