Sunday, July 02, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says texting on the move turns people’s walk into an “ungainly lollop.” Which was surprising news in just finding out that there are people out there who still walk.

A study says texting on the move turns people’s walk into an “ungainly lollop.” Until their attention is so focused on their cellphone they walk into traffic and the lollop turns into a wallop.

A study says texting on the move turns people’s walk into an “ungainly lollop.” As opposed to the way most sedentary people now move around by rambling, waddling, staggering or lumbering.

Adele canceled her last two shows at Wembley Stadium because of vocal problems. If only Justin Bieber’s fans could be so lucky.

Adele canceled her last two shows at Wembley Stadium because of vocal problems. To which Britney Spears upon hearing the news said “Vocals?”

12 greyhounds tested positive for cocaine at a Florida dog track. The dogs’ behavior was suspected when they became excited, energized and aggressive other than when hearing “Go for a ride?”

12 greyhounds tested positive for cocaine at a Florida dog track. The dogs’ behavior was questioned when they gave up on their chewy toys in favor of having a mirror, straw and razor blade.

A sperm donor in L.A. has connected with some of the 19 children he has fathered over the years. To which Kevin Federline says “Amateur!”

A sperm donor in L.A. has connected with some of the 19 children he has fathered over the years. After hearing the news he was given season tickets to the Lakers and Clippers upon being named an honorary member of the NBA.

Experts say hot dogs without artificial nitrites are not any healthier. To which most people are saying healthier than what?

Experts say hot dogs without artificial nitrites are not any healthier. Mostly because if they were really experts they would tell you the nitrites are probably the least harmful ingredient in a hot dog.

A 64 year old San Francisco man was robbed by women who stole a bag of laxatives from him. Police say the suspects are considered to be on the run.

Police in Michigan are looking for a bald man who is stealing Rogaine. Investigators are stumped as he is doing everything he can to cover up the evidence.

Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski say Donald Trump threatened them with a hit piece in the National Enquirer. No one had any idea Scarborough had an alien baby with Big Foot.

Donald Trump has revived the 1960s era Space Council. Which is only fitting as he is also going back to the 1960s with the economy, race relations and Cold War.

A Nevada woman slit her boyfriend’s throat saying it was to prevent him from committing suicide. The only question is how does it do her any good by instead turning it into murder?

A bear crashed through a window into the room of a boy in Alaska. The worst part for the family was when he took it into the living room and said “Look what followed me home! Can I keep him?”

A guest on Alex Jones’ radio show says NASA is hiding kidnapped kids on Mars. To which even CNN is saying “and you are calling us fake news?”

A guest on Alex Jones’ radio show says NASA is hiding kidnapped kids on Mars. Apparently he became even more concerned after hearing even Elton John conceding that “Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids…”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and the state legislature were unable to avert closing down the state government for the first time since 2006. People across the state were shocked. When did it reopen?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and the state legislature were unable to avert closing the state government for the first time since 2006. He has learned that the only way to get away with closing bridges is to shut down everything else as well.

Nevada has launched the sale of legalized recreational marijuana. The only question in a state that runs its economy off alcohol, gambling and prostitution is who is going to even notice?

A water park in Utah was evacuated after a chemical spill. It was the worst chemical spill in the country other than when anyone turns on the tap in Flint, Michigan.

The U.N. has agreed to cut its peacekeeping budget after getting pressure from Donald Trump. Apparently he found peacekeeping efforts by the organization got in the way of his goal of starting World War III.

The U.N. has agreed to cut its peacekeeping budget after getting pressure from Donald Trump. The only question being isn’t that sort of the whole point of the U.N.?

Donald Trump is backing the idea of repealing Obamacare now and replacing it later. To which Democrats are saying they are backing the exact same idea. Only about Donald Trump.

Illinois is asking for more time before being downgraded to “junk” rating. To which Alabama is saying being called junk isn’t fun but you get used to it.

United Airlines frequent flier miles will reportedly not stretch as far this fall. Not only will flights cost more points, but airport police will now only drag passengers from First Class back to the business section.

Facebook is changing its algorithm to limit the reach of people who send out links to sites giving out fake news, misinformation or clickbait. Which will really hurt anyone who has a Facebook professional page through their job at CNN.

India’s move to a cashless economy will reportedly take longer than expected. Which is hard to believe, especially for all the people at the lower end of the caste system who say they have been pretty much cashless since 1947.

Scientists say there is no limit to potential length of the human lifespan. Except when you factor in most people’s diet, sedentary lifestyle and texting while driving.

Scientists say there is no limit to potential length of the human lifespan. Especially for the people of Vermont who say even if you don’t live past 115, spending a few winters there will at least make it seem that long.

The CDC says the teen birth rate in the U.S. is at an all-time low. The reasons cited are more available birth control, efforts on education and taking away any incentives with the cancellation MTV’s “16 and Pregnant.”

A report says the U.S. fertility rate is at a historic low. That can only mean one thing. Kevin Federline has gotten into a monogamous relationship.

A report says the U.S. fertility rate is at a historic low. Mostly because with young people going to school, working three jobs and trying to get by on three hours of sleep, who has time for sex anymore?

A study says high school athletes who suffered concussions are at no bigger risk of depression after two years. Mostly because they are high school athletes, and the only students who are depressed are the nerds who they terrorize.

Jerrod Carmichael is reportedly leaving NBC’s “The Carmichael Show” after the third season. People were surprised at the news. There was a first and second season of “The Carmichael Show?”

The Disney ride “Pirates of the Caribbean” will no longer show the wench auction. Apparently Disney will only confine humiliating behavior towards women to paying models minimum wage to walk around their parks dressed as Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Pocahontas.

88 year old Joe Jackson, patriarch of the Jackson family was injured in a car crash in Las Vegas. The sad news is he won’t be able to travel by car for awhile which means Jermaine is pretty much out of a job.

An L.A. radio station reportedly sent an e-mail to Annie Lennox telling her she “has potential” as a singer. Which is weird in that the first time a radio station told her that same thing, there was no such thing as e-mail.

Rob Lowe’s new show “The Lowe Files” where Low and his sons solve mysteries will premier on A&E in August. The first episode will be investigating what Lowe was thinking when he agreed to do that dance number with Snow White at the Oscars.

John Mellencamp says he “got the voice he wanted” from cigarettes. People were surprised at the news. That’s the voice he actually wanted?

John Mellencamp says he “got the voice he wanted” from cigarettes. Although he could have probably gotten the same result by instead drinking vinegar and avoiding having a heart attack at 42.

Jay-Z’s new song “4:44” was reportedly written at 4:44 in the morning as a response to accusations by his wife Beyonce he was cheating. Although it’s hard to convince anyone you are faithful when you are still up and around at 4:44 in the morning.

Charlie Sheen sold two pieces of Babe Ruth memorabilia for more than $2 Million each. He says he doesn’t remember what he paid for them, mostly because apparently he pretty much lives the same lifestyle as Babe Ruth.

Stephan Curry has signed a 5 year, $201 Million contract with the Golden State Warriors. Which makes you wonder about the negotiating process and why his agent couldn’t just say OK to an even $200 Million?

Major League Baseball says June saw the most home runs ever in a month at 1,101. Which shows the retro movement is catching on with the return of old style uniforms, stadiums and now steroids.

A car made from biodegradable materials is being produced in the Netherlands. We have the same thing here in the U.S. although it just takes a little bit longer for Chryslers to completely rust away.

A car made from biodegradable materials is being produced from beets and flax in the Netherlands. The only problem is that having edible cars could finally signal the demise of the drive-thru restaurant.

Waymo’s self-driving vans are being programmed how to drive near police cars. Which is mostly the same for people, by driving the speed limit, keeping your hands on the wheel and avoiding any eye contact.

Mike Pence will reportedly oversee the U.S. space policy. The only problem is having someone arrange flights to Mars where the male astronauts can’t eat any meals with a woman astronaut who isn’t their wife.

A time capsule was discovered inside a Confederate monument. It’s called Mississippi.

Donald Trump has warned North Korea that U.S. patience “is over.” People were confused. And just was it when Trump had any patience in the first place?

The White House is considering eliminating a council focused on female empowerment. Apparently Donald Trump’s attitude is if women want power, they should do it the old fashioned way like his wife did. Marry a billionaire.

The science division of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy was left empty when staffers departed. Apparently Donald Trump doesn’t need help with climate change, saying any global warming can just be blamed on all the thermonuclear wars he will be starting.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I will be taking off Tuesday for the 4th of July holiday. I will be working my regular job as a TV meteorologist which will be enough of a joke for most my viewers. I hope you all have a safe and happy 4th, mostly because if you blow off all your fingers throwing fireworks around you won’t be able to log onto the blog anymore. This will be the 241st birthday for our country. Hopefully she will make it through this one although it has been a rough year for her. But she will make it through. There were also a few tough ones from 2001-2008 but she always seems to have enough in her to blow out the candles each time July rolls around. I will be celebrating our nation’s independence, but no fireworks can wow me the same as when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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