Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

More than 7 Million pounds of hot dogs have been recalled by Sabrett. That is the highest number of hot dogs making a return trip other than the ones coming back up after the Nathans Hot Dot Eating Contest.

More than 7 Million pounds of hot dogs have been recalled by Sabrett for bone fragments. Ironically, the fragments were the only actual animal parts that were found in the hot dogs.

“American Psycho” author Brett Easton Ellis was called a “Trump apologist” at a gathering and said he would avoid political discussions in the future. Mostly because too many people assume “American Psycho” was a biography of Donald Trump.

The CBS show “Candy Crush” has taken a ratings nosedive. Apparently it was the result of the initial spike from a sugar high.

The CBS show “Candy Crush,” based on the video game of the same name has taken a ratings nosedive. Mostly because the people in the CBS demographic are too old to even know what a video game is.

The CBS show “Candy Crush” has taken a ratings nosedive. How lazy have we gotten when shows are made for people who would rather just watch others play video games?

A Taco Bell worker in Texas went on a rampage, throwing a tea dispenser at their boss. Fortunately there was no food thrown or charges could have included assault with a deadly Chalupa.

A survey says half of American homeowners have buyer’s remorse. The other half are the ones who still haven’t yet gone into foreclosure.

Ann Coulter has taken on Delta Airlines with a Twitter tantrum over having her seat assignment changed. The conservative pundit is just lucky they didn’t ask her to sit out on the right wing.

A study says artificial sweeteners are linked to weight gain. Mostly for the people who pour them over cakes, pies and into their soft drinks.

A car described as “suspicious” crashed into a barrier at the U.S. Capitol. It was considered suspicious because usually when that happens it is being driven by a Kennedy.

A trash fire in a New York City subway station crippled service on Monday. Authorities were surprised as no one thought a fire could start in a place completely devoid of oxygen.

A report says automation is likely to replace half of all low skilled U.S. jobs. Which is just more bad news for all our elected officials in Congress.

A record 11 new reality TV shows debuted this summer. Apparently they are all trying to be the one that can claim to be the one to give us our next President.

Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch made an appearance where he met a group of new U.S. citizens. He congratulated them on their achievement before going back to work to approve legislation to deport all of them back to where they came from.

The Russian Supreme Court upheld a ban on Jehovah’s Witnesses. That will teach them to ring Vladimir Putin’s doorbell at 7:00 on a Saturday morning.

The Russian Supreme Court upheld a ban on Jehovah’s Witnesses. To which Donald Trump is asking if it’s possible to nominate some of those judges to the U.S. Supreme Court.

A Labor MP from London compared Prince William and Duchess Kate to the Kardashians. What’s the issue? They are both rich, famous and no one knows what it is they actually do.

China has banned Winnie the Pooh because of Internet jokes comparing the character to Chinese President Xi Jinping. Which means any day in the U.S. those troll dolls with the yellow hair may be taken off the shelves.

China has banned Winnie the Pooh because of Internet jokes comparing the character to Chinese President Xi Jinping. Chinese officials want to keep Pooh where it belongs, in the country’s water supply.

$1 Million of marijuana was found in the trunks of some brand new Ford Focus cars. Apparently suspicions were raised when the cars refused to go more than 20 mph.

$1 Million of marijuana was found in the trunks of some brand new Ford Focus cars. Which is ironic as the one thing passengers say to a driver stoned out of their mind when they get pulled over is “Focus!”

$1 Million of marijuana was found in the trunks of some brand new Ford Focus cars. Those are the cars that like the driver are both running on fumes.

Donald Trump’s latest approval ratings have fallen to 36%. To which George W. Bush is saying “Yes!”

Doctors in England removed 27 contact lenses from the eye of a woman. She complained an object kept getting in the way and obscured her vision, which turned out to be Jupiter.

Doctors in England removed several sets of contact lenses from the eye of a woman. It’s bad enough for people wearing glasses to be called “four eyes,” but now she has to endure the nickname of “27 eyes.”

Donald Trump says John McCain’s vote is needed to replace Obamacare. Which means McCain, who just got out of life-saving surgery will have to recover in time to make he takes that same option away from everyone else.

A study says renewable energy like solar power is not a threat to the nation’s power grid, and doesn’t threaten older methods like coal. Mostly because the more coal we use, the less chance of ever being able to generate any solar power.

Apple is featuring several new emojis, including one with a breastfeeding mom. The question is, can anyone think of even one time they have ever had the occasion to send a message containing that emoji?

A report says the GOP is split on health care and tax reform. Mostly in that they want to take health care from the poor, and give tax breaks to the rich.

Chicken Soup for the Soul is filing an IPO to try to raise $30 Million. The question is, why does a site making self-help videos have to look to other people for assistance?

Startup Zcruit is helping colleges recruit athletes smarter through analytics. Which would be nice if for once colleges were interested in recruiting smarter athletes.

Startup Zcruit is helping colleges recruit athletes through analytics. Which is a good idea if you don’t mind putting the job of recruiting athletes into the hands of nerds who think the Red Zone is the area on their face that couldn’t be helped by Stridex.

A study says changes in speech including more pauses and filler words can be a sign of dementia. Or that the person is a graduate of the Sylvester Stallone School of Acting.

A survey says a majority of U.S. smokers feel they are discriminated against. Non-smokers disagree, saying they are free to go and die anywhere they choose.

A study says a healthy diet may help ward off the onset of dementia. Ironically, having dementia can lead to a healthy diet when the people at the home feed you nothing but strained peas.

A study says a healthy diet may help ward off the onset of dementia. The only problem was conducting research that could find only three people who even qualified to be studied in the first place.

A Maryland mother hosts CPR parties to teach the life saving maneuver to members of her community. The good news is that after a night of eating, drinking and dancing there is always at least one partygoer they all get to take turns on.

A survey says 76% of Americans say they have “really bad” Sunday night anxiety. Mostly in this economy from wondering what they are going to do all day Monday now that they no longer have a job.

Ryan Phillippe reportedly broke his leg in a “freak accicent.” Mostly because it had been so long since someone told him to break a leg on a movie set that he ended up taking them literally.

A Maryland music festival aims to raise awareness of drug addiction. Which is ironic in that most of the substance abusers became addicts by hanging out at music festivals.

Disney says it fired the long time voice of Kermit the Frog for “unacceptable business conduct.” Apparently they felt someone with as much experience has he has shouldn’t be acting so green.

Disney says it fired the long time voice of Kermit the Frog for “unacceptable business conduct.” Especially when he stayed in character during business lunches and kept ordering plates of grasshoppers, worms and flies.

Paris Hilton says being recognized as a “ditzy, dumb blonde” annoys her. Mostly because it is such a high standard for someone like her to live up to.

John Mellencamp’s son Speck was arrested for public intoxication and fighting in Indiana on Saturday night. Or as that is called in Indiana, “Saturday night.”

John Mellencamp’s son Speck was arrested for public intoxication and fighting in Indiana on Saturday night. Which is common to end up drinking and getting in fights after having to go through life after being given the name “Speck.”

Home plate umpire Chris Segal was hit in the head by the bat of the Blue Jays’ Josh Donaldson during a game. Which is ironic since he never saw it coming that it proves umpires really are as blind as a bat.

A report says possession of a contraband cookie almost derailed O.J. Simpson’s chance of parole. Not the fact that he had the cookie but that he killed four other people to get it.

LaVar Ball says there will be no changes made to his son Lonzo’s shooting style. Lonzo wouldn’t have any problems if he could shoot a basketball half as good as his dad can shoot off his mouth.

39 year old Paul Pierce signed a one-day contract with Boston so that he could retire as a Celtic. Which was unusual in someone retiring at that age from the NBA and not being on the Spurs.

A Massachusetts farmer will honor Tom Brady with a corn maze made in his image. The only problem is that for some reason, the farmer says his tractor tires keep getting deflated.

Michael Vick says that Colin Kaepernick is not being discriminated against and that he should “get a haircut.” With four Super Bowl titles in hand, that idea sure worked out for Terry Bradshaw.

Michael Vick says that Colin Kaepernick is not being discriminated against and that he should “get a haircut.” Although just not while the National Anthem is being played.

A woman in Taiwan divorced her husband after he kept ignoring her text messages. Who did he think he is, one of her children?

A woman in Taiwan divorced her husband after he kept ignoring her text messages. She should know the only way a middle aged man reads texts is when they are sent with naked pictures from a 19 year old woman.

A report says Donald Trump dumped Chris Christie after Christie handed him his personal phone for a call and Trump was worried about germs. Not only that but the phone was more orange than Trump being completely covered in Cheetos dust.

Donald Trump claims that during his administration 45,000 mining jobs have been created. Although those are just the ones in Russia trying to mine e-mails from the DNC and Hillary Clinton.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the economy is going down the crapper, the Russians are taking over the country but hey, how about them Dodgers! A ten and a half game lead in their division which would be even hard for them to throw away. Even better is that the Giants are in the cellar, 18 and a half games back. Life is good at least on some levels. It gets even better when all of you remember to take the time to always keep on sending the love!


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