Friday, June 09, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says the U.S. household net worth has climbed to a record $94.8 Trillion. Although once you take away the households of Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Mark Zuckerberg, that leaves $37.25 to be divided among all the rest of us.

Boeing is studying the possibility of making pilotless planes. Which is so far a reality in aviation only on Southwest Airlines flights during Happy Hour.

Boeing is studying the possibility of making pilotless planes. Which means at United Airlines the cockpits would be about as empty as their customer service office.

A Samsung “peeping Tom” smartphone allows the company to see what people are reading online and monitor e-mails. As opposed to the idea of what a “peeping Tom” smartphone is for the men who buy them with the intention of trying to hide them from sight in public women’s restrooms.

A study shows that meditation can help alleviate pain. Especially for the people who feel relief after finally getting up after ten minutes of trying to meditate in the Lotus position.

A study shows that meditation can help alleviate pain. Which they then corrected by saying the report was supposed to claim that pain can be alleviated with medication.

A sadomasochistic swingers’ club in the UK was shut down over health and safety concerns. Although it was nice to see what the people who used to run Abu Ghraib are up to these days.

 Scientists say babies can recognize faces while still in the womb. Which brings up the question of who is sticking their face up there in the first place?

A study says dogs have an innate sense of fairness that is being eroded by humans. And those are just the dogs that were sitting in front of the TV set during James Comey’s testimony.

A study says dogs have an innate sense of fairness that is being eroded by humans. Whomever said dogs have a sense of fairness has never thrown a cookie into a room with three dogs and expected them to share it.

32 New York City mobsters have been indicted for trafficking stolen chocolate. Vito Corleone would be spinning in his grave if he knew the mob went from killing people over gambling and loan sharking to getting busted for stealing candy.

32 New York City mobsters have been indicted for trafficking stolen chocolate. How fat have we gotten that the mob sees more money in moving out of the protection racket and into satisfying people’s sweet tooth?

As tension flares between Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Iran and their allies, reports of hacking are emerging across the Persian Gulf. Since when in an area where suicide bombings, IEDs and beheadings are daily events did anyone start to be worried about someone reading their e-mails?

As tension flares between Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Iran and their allies, reports of hacking are emerging across the Persian Gulf. Which is a relief for the people there who live in an area where getting “hacked” usually means losing your hands, feet or head.

James Comey blasted the Trump Administration over “lies” and efforts to “defame me.” If he thinks he is going to get any sympathy, he needs to get in line behind the 16 presidential candidates who went up against Trump in the Republican debates.

House Speaker Paul Ryan says the reason Donald Trump may have crossed some lines with the FBI is because he is “new at government.” In other words, Trump isn’t as deceptive, dishonest and deceitful as the real pros in Congress.

A report says toxins from nonstick chemicals are in the drinking water of 15 Million Americans. To which the people living in Flint, Michigan are saying “Some people get all the luck.”

A report says toxins from nonstick chemicals are in the drinking water of 15 Million Americans. The good news is that when drinking the water with a meal, people don’t need to chew as the food slides right down their throats.

A new Facebook tool allows lawmakers to see that their constituents are reading. The only problem is when they see their most googled search request is for “recall election.”

A new Facebook tool allows lawmakers to see that their constituents are reading. Which means most members of Congress are safe as long as the voters aren’t reading the Constitution.

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick has reportedly taken up meditation which he performs in the company’s lactation rooms for privacy. Although some people think it is just a publicity stunt he is trying to milk for all its worth.

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick has reportedly taken up meditation, which he performs in the company’s lactation rooms for privacy. Apparently he likes the peace and serenity of meditation which helps him dream up new ways of abusing his workers.

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick has reportedly taken up meditation which he performs in the company’s lactation rooms for privacy. Which is ironic in the fact that his mantra following his recent behavior is “Don’t cry over spilt milk.”

Bookmakers in the UK are lowering the chances of Donald Trump being impeached. After the Comey hearings, instead the odds are now more in favor of resignation, declaration of mental incompetency or being ridden out of town on a rail.

The GOP is backing a bill to undo many of the banking rules put into effect after the 2008 economic meltdown. Apparently the Republicans feel that nearly a decade of people not fearing another impending crisis is long enough.

A senior State Department official is heading to Russia to try to solve “irritants” between the two countries. Which will pretty much end up as a discussion as to how much longer Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump will be in power.

A senior State Department official is heading to Russia to try to solve “irritants” between the two countries. So far the sticking points are minor issues like democracy, espionage, hacking elections…

Fitbit users are figuring out how to cheat and get more impressive readings. How lazy have we gotten that even workout bragging rights are a result of people sitting in front of a computer and hacking their own bodies?

A study says the teen pregnancy rate dropped after government funding of sex education declined. Although the real reason teenagers aren’t getting pregnant anymore is due to the cancellation of “Teen Mom,” “Teen Mom 2” and “16 and Pregnant.”

A study says looking at striped patterns like a building skyline can trigger migraine headaches and seizures. Especially the buildings that have a huge sign on the front saying “Trump.”

Experts at Harvard say stress from the Trump presidency could make Americans even sicker. The good news is some of the stress from worrying about how to pay for health insurance premiums will disappear when Trump takes away their health care.

A former MTV chief says Taylor Swift was “crying hysterically” after the incident with Kanye West at the MTV VMA Awards. Not from anything Kanye did, but from the fact she just broke up with her boyfriend and was in the middle of the process of writing a song about it.

Tom Cruise says the sequel to “Top Gun” will have a volleyball scene. Mostly just so we can finally get that image out of our heads from the original with this one not featuring anyone playing while wearing jeans.

Tom Cruise says the sequel to “Top Gun” will have a volleyball scene. Not to say that Cruise is getting a little older, but the volleyball scene with the Top Gun pilots will be edited in with shots of Cruise playing a heated match of shuffleboard.

A Montana golfer beat 2 Billion to 1 odds in making two holes-in-one in a three hole stretch. Golfers across the country were amazed. There was enough of a snow melt in Montana in early June so people could play golf?

A Montana golfer beat 2 Billion to 1 odds in making two holes-in-one in a three hole stretch. That is just slightly better than the probability of Tiger Woods getting behind the wheel and arriving at his destination without being pulled over.

John McCain is blaming his confusing questions to James Comey on staying up late to watch the Arizona Diamondbacks. He says he knew he shouldn’t have stayed up past the 3rd inning.

LeBron James says he has no regrets about a late pass he made to Kyle Korven late in Game 3 of the NBA Finals. If nothing else, it put him higher on the career playoff list for assists over Kobe Bryant.

A rumor says LeBron James will move to Los Angeles in 2018. Going from Cleveland to live in L.A. will no doubt result in a TV special called “The You-Don’t-Need-To-Be-A-Rocket-Scientist-To-Figure-Out-This Decision.”

Britney Spears’ Instagram account was reportedly used by Russian hackers to make posts to control malware. To which Donald Trump’s campaign staffers are saying “Oops, they did it again!”

Britney Spears’ Instagram account was reportedly used by Russian hackers to make posts to control malware. Officials discovered it when they saw it wasn’t just Britney’s lips that appeared to be out of sync.

A pair of rare Apple sneakers are being auctioned off with a starting price of $150,000. Which sounds a bit much for a pair of shoes from the company that gave us such standout athletes as Steve Jobs, Tim Cook and Steve Wozniak.

Microsoft says it is working on big changes to Windows 10. Hopefully it will include the improvement most users are looking for, like being able to actually boot up once in awhile.

Al Jazeera says it is undergoing “systematic” hacking attempts of its computers. Apparently mostly from amateur hackers who are trying to get some practice before trying to break into a system that actually has some useful information.

Bill Gates and Warren Buffett share the same advice for young people do “do something they enjoy.” Which in the case of Gates and Buffett meant building up a personal net worth of more than $60 Billion each.

Chinese authorities are reportedly trying to crack down on celebrity gossip. Which sounds strange that a country that has no problem in executing dissidents would have an issue with people googling TMZ.com.

A rare alligator gar fish was caught in waters in Indiana. Anglers were surprised since the last time the prehistoric fish was seen that far north was in a buffet tray at a local Red Lobster.

Archaeologists have discovered an ancient Aztec ball court in the heart of Mexico City. Apparently the team left the site in the 15th century when they were promised a new stadium if they moved north to L.A.

New human fossils discovered in Morocco have pushed human history back to 300,000 years. Which is good news in that it means it will have taken us another 100,000 years than previously thought to have completely destroyed the planet.

A report says top aides have persuaded Donald Trump to stay off Twitter during the Comey hearing. If nothing else, they wanted to thwart all the people who were going to bars just to turn each of his tweets into a drinking game.

A report says top aides have persuaded Donald Trump to stay off Twitter during the Comey hearing. When asked what method actually can be used to keep Trump from tweeting, the overwhelming response was “tranquilizer darts.”

James Comey says the White House lied about him and the FBI. To which he heard a “Get in line!” from Hillary Clinton, the Republican presidential candidates, European leaders, Russia, China, the Middle East…

 Donald Trump has just taken his fifth longest break from Twitter since he declared his candidacy. The official excuse in the wake of the Comey hearing is that his fingers are invoking the Fifth Amendment.

NASA’s chief says the 2018 budget means the Mars mission is still on for 2033. At least as long as they don’t spend a dime of what they are given over the next 15 years.

Marshawn Lynch addressed the media for the first time since joining the Raiders. Apparently he felt he had gotten out of shape and needed some practice to feel comfortable again standing in front of a crowd of people and saying absolutely nothing.

Major League Baseball is reportedly open to start using a pitching clock in 2018. The only question is with Jered Weaver would the clock be used to time how long he takes between pitches or the amount of time it takes for his fastball to reach home plate?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday as I am sure you are aware of. But another reminder that the weekend is here never hurts. I will be taking off a few days from my real job next week but that will not slow me down. No, you are not off the hook that easily. I will still be posting every day to make sure you get the finest in creative topical humor. Which probably just got the biggest laugh of the day. That’s fine, I am here to try to generate laughs. And tears. And probably more than a few four letter words. What matters most, as usual is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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