Thursday, June 08, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says the TSA could extend their laptop ban to all domestic flights. Which is ironic in that having laptops on board is what keeps inflight behavior domestic.

A report says the TSA could extend their laptop ban to all domestic flights. The only way they could inflict even more torture on travelers would be to start waterboarding passengers in the security lines.

A report says the TSA could extend their laptop ban to all domestic flights. Which is bad news for United fliers who need their laptops to reschedule their connecting flights after their plane just got done sitting on the tarmac the past three hours.

A report says the TSA could extend their laptop ban to all domestic flights. Which most passengers will fight back with claims that the rule violates at least three protocols of the Geneva Convention.

China is preparing for a manned lunar landing in the near future. Mostly because it would be easier to land a capsule on the Moon than set a 747 down at the Beijing airport on a typically smoggy day.

Britain is divided over three nationwide elections in the past two years. Which could never happen in the U.S. as we take three and a half years out of the election cycle just to figure out who the candidates are.

A Chinese skyscraper boasts the world's fastest elevator at 47 mph. That's going up. Unfortunately, the questionable Chinese engineering means the ride down is at 200 mph.

A study says friends are more important to health and happiness than family in older people. Mostly because their friends give them the excuse they need to get some time away from their families.

Researchers say suppressing the reasoning part of the brain stimulates creativity. Which finally explains how Sean Spicer keeps coming up with the increasingly inventive answers he throws out at the media every day.

A real estate website is urging conservative people to buy a home in Texas. Mostly because they are having trouble selling homes to liberals who ever since Donald Trump was elected are looking for their next home in another country.

Asbury Park, New Jersey has been chosen the "coolest small town in the U.S." People were surprised. It was the first time they ever actually heard the word "cool" used to describe a small town.

Washington, D.C. bouncers are learning how to prevent and respond to terrorism. For one thing they have convinced most bar owners to do away with the daily "Jihad Happy Hour."

Washington, D.C. bouncers are learning how to prevent and respond to terrorism. First of all, they are instructed to be suspicious when someone goes up to the bartender and asks for a Molotov Cocktail.

Washington, D.C. bouncers are learning how to prevent and respond to terrorism. It's just good to know that when the DHS is unavailable, we can rest assured that we will never be attacked by anyone who doesn't have a passable fake ID.

A report says Puerto Rico's bankruptcy is leaving the island facing hard times. Which for the people living there means since about 1898 it's pretty much business as usual.

Puerto Rico voters are going to the polls on Sunday to vote for statehood. Apparently it has a good chance of passing because even with their ongoing bankruptcy, they will still enter the U.S. in better economic shape than Louisiana , Mississippi and Alabama.

A Pew survey says 98% of Greeks consider their economy bad. Interestingly enough, the exact word they used to describe it to the people taking the poll was "Pew."

A report says some people are "pornosexuals" who prefer online porn sex to real people. Especially the ones who are working three jobs and don't have the time or money to even think about asking someone out on a date.

Investigators are looking to identify a woman drugging and robbing men at L.A. nightclubs. Or as Bill Cosby is calling her, "My soul mate!"

A Parisian woman is suing France saying they have failed to protect her from the country's "bad air." And that was just her neighbors who haven't bathed since 1974.

A Chipotle restaurant in Pennsylvania was raided after workers sold drugs to undercover police. The employees’ excuse was that the drugs they were selling were antibiotics that could be used against E.coli.

A report says carbon dioxide had its second highest rise on record last year. To which Donald Trump says the solution is easy, just tell people to hold their breath for awhile before exhaling.

Human fossils found in Morocco are the oldest human remains ever, dating back 300,000 years. Which makes them at least two decades older than the previous earliest humans residing in a retirement home in south Florida.

A North Korean spokesperson says Donald Trump pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord is the “height of egotism.” Which is not true. The height of egotism will be when Trump starts dropping nuclear bombs on North Korea for what they said about him.

A North Korean spokesperson says Donald Trump pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord is the “height of egotism.” To which Trump’s closest associates are saying North Korea calling that the height of egotism shows they don’t know Donald Trump very well.

Tax data in Washington State shows that legalized marijuana is a bright spot in the state’s retail sector. Mostly because people who are getting high are just too stoned to go online and do any of their shopping on Amazon.

The media is preparing for a spectacle at today’s congressional hearing with James Comey. The only bigger spectacle is watching the media drooling while tripping over themselves to televise the event because they think it will bring in some higher ratings.

Publisher Penguin Random House is buying T-shirt company Out of Print. Apparently book sales are down but they know that men will still read anything as long as it is printed where they can see it on a woman’s chest.

Donald Trump is set to outline his workforce training agenda which will expand apprenticeship programs. Although most people are wary of anything involving Trump and being an apprentice as it always results in someone being shown the door every week.

Donald Trump is set to outline his workforce training agenda which will expand apprenticeship programs. Although big business says it doesn’t go far enough and are trying to bring back the more profitable system of indentured servitude.

Facebook’s Oculus is being used to bring Virtual Reality to California libraries. Mostly so patrons can use the devices so that it can make it seem like the library isn’t full of the usual vagrants, perverts and drug addicts.

A study says chronic pain is being linked to an increased risk of dementia in older people. Along with the fact that there is an increased risk because they are older.

A study says chronic pain is being linked to an increased risk of dementia in older people. Which works out well because once they develop dementia they forget that they are always in pain.

A brand of cashews is being recalled because of shards of glass being found in containers. Apparently the company tried to avoid making the recall by just labeling the product as “gashews.”

A medical marijuana dispensary in Massachusetts is offering customers pot-infused pizza. The idea defies the laws of physics as it will be the first working model ever of a perpetual motion machine.

A medical marijuana dispensary in Massachusetts is offering customers pot-infused pizza. Or as stoners call that, the ultimate full-service business.

A study says even moderate drinking can dull an aging brain. To which most people are saying that is pretty much the whole point.

Donald Trump is proposing solar panels be installed on the wall along the Mexican border. What’s worse is that he wants it to be used to generate power to shock anyone who tries to climb over it.

An aspiring model who competed in the Miss Asian Toronto pageant has been arrested for murder. Not only is she facing life in prison, she has also lost her title of Miss Congeniality.

Paula Abdul discussed her struggle with touring again at age 54, saying “It’s not easy.” Especially for the backup singers, dancers and musicians who are scared to death at some point she is going to insist on driving to the next show.

Paula Abdul discussed her struggle with touring again at age 54, saying “It’s not easy.” Especially for any dates in the U.S. where her show comes under DHS surveillance as an event featuring someone named “Abdul.”

The location of Woodstock is being designated a historic site. But only because no one who was there remembers where it actually took place.

The location of Woodstock is being designated a historic site. Along with any of the performers who have still managed to survive this long after the event.

The Yankees Aaron Judge hit a batting practice home run that landed in a center field concession stand. Although opposing players were not impressed, saying he was just hot-dogging it.

Five PGA Tour golfers, including Tiger Woods have made the list of the 25 highest paid athletes in the world. Although Woods’ income is made mostly off the course now, apparently with endorsements from various pharmaceutical companies.

Lonzo Ball says the Lakers have no problem with his dad, saying “they love him.” Which brings the question just how good is this kid when they are actually willing to go that far over the edge to get him?

Lonzo Ball says the Lakers have no problem with his dad, saying “they love him.” Which is like wanting to date Ireland Baldwin but knowing the only way to do it is to pretend you like her dad Alec.

Melania Trump is reportedly set to relocate to Washington, D.C. next week. Apparently she wants to be there to help pack up for the move back to New York City once James Comey finishes testifying about Donald Trump.

A pair of rare Apple sneakers will be auctioned off with a starting price of $15,000. Apparently Apple thinks just because they can sell an iPhone 7 for $1,000 means they can jack up the price of everything they sell by 10,000%.

Sony has sold its one millionth Virtual Reality headset. Which are all still sitting in the box as their owners are just waiting until the day someone figures out how to make them work with porn.

Computers are being programmed to spot fake online profiles. Which until now were very easy to find by just going to any dating website and looking up “men.”

James Comey’s testimony today is expected to shut down Capitol Hill. People were surprised. That usually only happens for fundraisers, Happy Hour or one of the 30 scheduled congressional vacation weeks.

A poll says 61% of Americans think Donald Trump fired James Comey to protect himself. The other 39% think it was more like one of his usual reasons of doing anything which is to make money, receive praise or be able to brag about it.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Got the jokes done early today so I can sit down and watch the Comey testimony myself. How bad is it when I make time in my schedule to watch a congressional hearing from the only other tasks I have of work and writing these jokes. I have no life. But at least we are talking about the potential for lots of material coming out of this testimony so that’s working for me. I have a feeling that some sparks may be flying on this one. That will be enjoyable but nothing like the feeling I get when you all remember to always take the time to send the love!

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