Wednesday, June 07, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Vladimir Putin told Oliver Stone in an interview that he is “not a woman so he has no bad days.” Apparently he was smart after seeing what happened to Donald Trump didn’t make that same comment in his interview a few days earlier with Megyn Kelly.

Experts say there is a feminist movement in the porn industry, which is seeing films made from a woman’s viewpoint. Which for most women means that there is no way they would have sex with any of the men that keep showing up in porn movies.

A Florida woman has been sentenced to 20 years in prison after trying to have her ex-husband sold as a sex slave. Although as far as most men see it, if she had turned her ex into a sex slave herself they might not have been divorced in the first place.

A Utah mother has been arrested for pulling out her 7 year old child’s teeth in a Wal-Mart bathroom. Apparently her reasoning was “When in Rome…”

Airlines say travelers may be growing accustomed to the terror spree with business unaffected after recent attacks. Apparently most people feel once you have had to deal with the TSA at the airport, how much worse can it get?

Chicago cab companies are reportedly teetering on the verge of collapse because of competition from Uber and Lyft. Although if there is any city where a loser can win even if they have to wait it out more than a century, it’s the home of the Chicago Cubs.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested after choking his bride after arriving home following their wedding. Apparently he misunderstood that the “something blue” did not pertain to the color of his wife’s face.

A study says boredom is linked to a range of health problems. Which is bad news for the researchers who had to put together the data on that study.

A study says human activity like farming and logging changed the environment of the Dead Sea 11,500 years ago. Which should be a real wake-up call to climate deniers who are OK with our actions making the rest of the world look like the Dead Sea.

A government contractor named Reality Winner has been arrested for leaking top-secret NSA report. Most people were confused by the news, thinking that “Reality Winner” was the handle for Donald Trump’s personal Twitter account.

A commercial passenger flight was delayed and another diverted in Lexington when a private plane veered off the runway after landing. Aviation experts were surprised. What was Harrison Ford doing flying into Kentucky?

Donald Trump, asked about the upcoming testimony of James Comey says “I wish him luck.” Meaning hopefully better luck in finding another boss who won’t fire him next time.

Donald Trump, asked about the upcoming testimony of James Comey says “I wish him luck.” Which he followed up with some advice about his appearance before Congress “Ix-nay on the Ussian-Ray!”

Donald Trump, asked about the upcoming testimony of James Comey says “I wish him luck.” Which sounded almost as sincere as when members of Congress refer to each other as “My good friend…”

Heidi Klum is designing fashions that will be sold in a German supermarket. That idea is sure to catch on in the U.S. so people filling up their shopping carts with soda, ice cream and chips can also buy some clothes that are two sizes larger.

Uber has fired 20 workers as a result of an investigation into sexual harassment. At least now the company can finally claim they are safer than hitchhiking.

Uber has fired 20 workers as a result of an investigation into sexual harassment. Apparently the company wants employees to know they only accept behavior like threatening their drivers with verbal abuse and physical violence.

United CEO Oscar Munoz says involuntary bumpings on flights are down 80% since the incident where a passenger was dragged off a plane. Mostly because they don’t need to since the same percentage of their customers are now flying with other airlines.

United CEO Oscar Munoz says involuntary bumpings on flights are down 80% since the incident where a passenger was dragged off a plane. Mostly because after seeing that video, most their customers are too afraid to even try to argue.

The U.S. and Mexico have averted a trade crisis by agreeing to hold off on tariffs on sugar imported into the U.S. No matter what Donald Trump does about the wall along the border, he knows the only thing that will get him thrown out of office is cutting Americans off from their supply of sugar.

Google is starting a program to teach children online safety and etiquette. Which pretty much means telling them to never Google Facebook, Twitter or Myspace.

Google is starting a program to teach children online safety and etiquette. Although with Donald Trump on Twitter, that’s about as easy as sexual harassment training when Bill Clinton was in the White House.

A new Tinder-like app called “Peanut” helps moms match up for friendship and play dates. Ironically, if it weren’t for the real Tinder most of them wouldn’t be moms in the first place.

A survey says only 37% of Americans feel their kids will be better off than their parents. Mostly the 37% who are trying to pay their children’s way through college.

A survey says only 37% of Americans feel their kids will be better off than their parents. Especially after the kids realize the only thing they are inheriting is their parents’ mountain of debt.

Eleven middle school students age 11-14 were hospitalized in southern California after sharing some Xanax. Their parents were furious. The kids should have known to start off with something a little milder like Valium, Klonopin or Ativan.

Eleven middle school students age 11-14 were hospitalized in southern California after sharing some Xanax. They were taken to the hospital after feeling a sensation they never experienced before in middle school, being relaxed, calm and not depressed.

Color changing tattoos are being developed to help monitor blood sugar and other health stats. Which apparently is the 21st century answer to the mood ring.

Color changing tattoos are being developed to help monitor blood sugar and other health stats. The fun part will be chipping in for some ink for the boss and watching the tattoo go through the color spectrum when they get mad and their blood pressure climbs 50 points.

Color changing tattoos are being developed to help monitor blood sugar and other health stats. Which would not be a good combination when a person’s tattoo starts turning red while their facial tone goes to blue.

A study says most divorces happen in March and August. Which correlates to when women have to deal directly with their husbands, in the time slot right after the Super Bowl and just before the beginning of the next football season.

Matthew Perry says he has “nightmares” about a “Friends” reunion. While everyone else has nightmares about the thought of ever bringing back “The Odd Couple,” “Mr. Sunshine” and “Go On.”

A “SpongeBob SquarePants” musical is set to hit Broadway. It’s the one that isn’t over until Mr. Crabs’ daughter Pearl the whale sings.

A “SpongeBob SquarePants” musical is set to hit Broadway. The only problem is that the actor portraying the sponge is said to have become very self-absorbed.

Ryan Lochte says he contemplated suicide following the 2016 Rio Olympics. In fact, he came so close he almost did one of his practice sessions in Guanabara Bay.

Josh Duggar says he is seeking to join his sisters in a breach-of-privacy lawsuit. Although it’s going to be tough to convince any jury that someone who has 18 siblings and spent several years on a reality show has any idea of what privacy even means.

Milo Yiannopoulos says he will self publish his book “Dangerous.” To which his detractors say they have a suggestion of what he can also do to himself.

Luke Walton says LaVar Ball will not be able to attend his son’s workout with the Lakers, but will be welcome at dinner. Mostly because at least while he has food in his mouth there will be a few moments where he won’t be able to talk.

Mike Schmidt has apologized for saying Odubel Herrera is limited because he doesn’t speak English. Which isn’t true as anyone knows it is much easier to play baseball when you don’t know what the Phillies fans are yelling at you.

Mike Schmidt has apologized for saying Odubel Herrera is limited because he doesn’t speak English. Which brings back memories of Tommy Lasorda’s observation of Fernando Valenzuela “All last year we tried to teach him English and the only word he learned was ‘million’.”

Cleveland Cavaliers GM David Griffin says he is seeing a “significant raise.” Which is pretty much going to be based solely on whether or not he can prevent another episode of “The Decision.”

George Clooney and his wife Amal have become parents to twins. Great, it’s not enough that they have the genes to have the best looking babies in the world but they insist on doing it two at a time.

Texas Governor Greg Abbot is signaling support for a “bathroom bill” which some say discriminate against transgender people. Which brings up the question as to how the wheelchair-bound Governor would react to a bill going into the same bathrooms and removing the handicapped stalls?

A report says when James Comey was FBI Director he asked Attorney General Jeff Sessions to not leave him alone with Donald Trump. Which is pretty much the same thing anyone says who has ever watched any old episodes of “The Apprentice.”

California and China have signed their own climate deal after Donald Trump announced the U.S. was pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord. Mostly after kids in Los Angeles and Beijing when asked the color of the sky kept coming back with the answer “orange,” “brown” or “yellow.”

Amazon is offering a special half-price Prime membership to low-income customers in order to compete with Wal-Mart. Which is ironic in the fact that most of the people who qualify as low-income are employees of Wal-Mart and Amazon.

New York City cabs are offering lower fares for people who don’t mind carpooling with others. Don’t they already have that? It’s called the bus.

Analysts say there is little Facebook and Google can do to protect from terrorists. No one expects them to do that, just try to do the next best thing and protect users from people using it to announce life decisions, fishing for compliments and changes their profile picture three times a day.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly offered to resign after heated arguments with Donald Trump. Which means he would have been beaten out by another seven contestants if this were a season of “The Apprentice.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly offered to resign after heated arguments with Donald Trump. Apparently Trump talked him into staying, if for no other reason that he wants to be the one to make the decision and fire him.

Canada will reportedly start building up its military because officials say they can’t rely on the U.S. for protection. Mostly because the U.S. won’t have any troops left to defend itself when Donald Trump sends them out to fight all the wars he is planning to start.

Canada will reportedly start building up its military because officials say they can’t rely on the U.S. for protection. The good news is they only have to man their borders during the summer months because no one would be able to find any soldiers who would be willing to invade during the cold months.

Sean Spicer says Donald Trump’s tweets are “official statements.” Which means future history books will all have a place in the index for the word “Covfefe.”

A poll says a majority of Americans still say religion can answer most problems. Mostly because that is all they have left after being let down by the government, their work and their family.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tonight is Game 3 of the NBA Championship Finals. It is really an endurance contest. Not the actual game or series, but the fact the players have to be able to still give it their best effort after playing since the regular season started last October. The Finals themselves will go on about two and a half weeks if it goes to 7 games. I doubt that will happen the way Golden State has shot out of the gates. I also hope it ends soon because the games mean our late news goes on about an hour late. Ugh. That means I get less sleep and have a shorter day to get my stuff all done. But you know I would never let you down and the jokes will be here as usual. So hopefully, to keep me motivated to my full potential I hope you will all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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