Tuesday, June 06, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Hackers have reportedly released eight unreleased episodes of the ABC Steve Harvey show “Funderdome.” Apparently the hackers just wanted people to have a chance to see the shows before they are inevitably canceled.

Experts are warning a devastating global cyber attack called “ExplodingCan” could target computers running Microsoft Windows 2003. Which is a cause for concern for the three people who still actually have computers running Windows 2003.

Experts are warning a devastating global cyber attack called “ExplodingCan” could target computers running Microsoft Windows 2003. Which is not to be confused with the “ExplodingCan” known as the Taco Bell Value Menu.

Experts are saying time is running out for Republicans’ legislative agenda. After eight years of obstructing President Obama they can’t figure out how to do anything else than obstruct themselves.

A study says two hours of video games a week makes young people more employable. Mostly because they are different than all the other young people who are playing video games for 120 hours a week.

A report says fewer teenagers are working or looking for jobs. Mostly because they feel bad about going for the same opening at the 7-Eleven where their dad and mom are waiting to hear back about their employment application.

At least ten students who were admitted to Harvard have had their acceptance rescinded because of offensive Facebook posts. Apparently the students all said something about Yale being a reputable school.

 At least ten students who were admitted to Harvard have had their acceptance rescinded because of offensive Facebook posts. Which brings up the question as how someone trying to get into Harvard would even have enough time to waste on Facebook in the first place.

The Supreme Court has agreed to hear a cellphone tracking privacy case. Which will be interesting since at least seven Justices still make all their calls using a rotary phone.

Bill Cosby is being accused at his trial of using his “power and fame” to prey on women. Which basically means he is a man who has clout and is very recognizable.

Bill Cosby is being accused of using his “power and fame” to prey on women. The sad part is that at least with younger people, the only reason he is famous is from being on trial for assaulting dozens of women.

Bill Cosby is being accused of using his “power and fame” to prey on women. Which pretty much means he is a) a man and b) is living in Hollywood, Washington, D.C. or on Wall Street.

Canadian and U.N. environmental officials say the U.S. will lose jobs by pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord. Which it turns out will mostly be in the House, Senate and Oval Office.

A survey says that Wells Fargo is the least respected company in the U.S. It has gotten so bad that the CEO has already received sympathy cards from United Airlines, Comcast and AT&T.

Donald Trump has slammed the Department of Justice for a “watered down” version of his travel ban. He says being watered down should be reserved for the immigrants who are in the process of being interrogated by the CIA.

Donald Trump is planning to privatize the Air Traffic Control system, which he says is unsafe and unreliable. To which all the Air Traffic Controllers are saying “Thanks a lot, Harrison Ford.”

Donald Trump is planning to privatize the Air Traffic Control system, which he says is unsafe and unreliable. Although watchdogs are saying it could be even more dangerous when controllers work for a private company that only allows three hours of nap time a day.

Law schools are asking the California Bar to change their exam so that more people can pass to become lawyers. Apparently the only way most of them can get through the test is to completely eliminate the tricky part involving professional ethics.

Donald Trump says privatizing the Air Traffic Control system will make for cheaper, faster and safer travel. Mostly because giving it to the free market means controllers will work under the guidelines of the first plane to the runway gets to take off.

A report says U.S. consumer spending and wages went up in April. Mostly because Americans are now living with the idea that if they just cut back a little more on sleep they can now take in working at four different minimum wage jobs.

The World Bank is forecasting global economic growth will hit a seven year high in 2018. Mostly from all the countries spending more on their military to prepare for when Donald Trump declares war on them.

A study says Americans are buying less salt laden foods. Mostly because they have switched over to a diet completely made up of only sugar and fat.

A study says women are judged at work whether or not they take maternity leave. Especially their bosses who see no reason why they can’t give birth in the break room and be back at their desk after lunch.

A study says women are judged at work whether or not they take maternity leave. Mostly the ones who take off work to give birth and come back right before their kids are ready to start high school.

A woman in Florida died while undergoing a plastic surgery procedure. Although she will get the last laugh at her funeral when all her friends comment about how young she looked.

A study says 3D printed ovaries help mice get pregnant. Is that really a problem that scientists need to be spending their time and research money fixing?

A study says some babies sleep longer when they get their own room. Especially when they are teenagers and they go from sleeping 12 hours a day to more than 18.

A study says letting babies play with iPads may delay their speech development. At least until they have to learn to talk to ask for an iPhone, iMac and MacBook.

A study says weight loss is tied to when, not just what people eat. Especially when they start eating at 7:00 AM and go straight through until Midnight.

Kim Kardashian says she is done with Caitlyn Jenner, saying she started three families with three different people. As opposed to Kim Kardashian who carefully and responsibly decided not to start families with her first two spouses, especially the one she was married with for 72 days.

The Swedish Academy says it has received Bob Dylan’s lecture for the Nobel Prize and described it as “extraordinary” and “eloquent.” Mostly because they couldn’t understand what he was saying and actually thought he was trying to speak in Swedish “Yurney fahurney gersh gurndy burndee...”

Jerry Lewis is reportedly “making progress” after being hospitalized with a urinary tract infection. The only problem in treating a 91 year old for that is having to wait to see if the infection is gone when he can pee in another four hours.

Tom Cruise has announced the title of the sequel to :Top Gun” is “Top Gun: Maverick.” Not to say Cruise is getting up in years, but the tag line will be “I have the need. The need to take a quick nap then go to the store to get some Polygrip.”

Tom Cruise has announced the title of the sequel to :Top Gun” is “Top Gun: Maverick.” Now that Cruise is older it is different from the first, which is evident in the scene where he plays the wingman and keeps yelling for the pilot to “Slow down, you’re driving like a bat out of hell!”

Tony Parker says he wants to play three more seasons for the Spurs which would make it 20 years. Mostly so his nickname on the team will finally be something other than “Rookie.”

Justin Bieber claims he is not a bandwagon sports fan. Apparently he just likes to go to arenas during sporting events to see what it looks like when they are actually filled to capacity.

Jimmy Johnson had a Basal Cell Carcinoma removed from his shoulder. Which apparently is a common problem for NASCAR drivers who need to learn to stop driving with their sleeveless left arm propped up on the window.

Derek Fisher was arrested for DUI after crashing his car in southern California. Which he says was still a better experience than coaching the Knicks.

A dog reportedly mauled a passenger on a Delta Airlines flight in Atlanta to where he had to be taken off the plane for treatment. To which the people at United are saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”

The Dr. Seuss Museum has opened in Massachusetts. The bad part is when people walk in and are immediately asked if they would like the tour with a guide, or if they would like to tour to include a ride?

American Airlines lost golfer Michael Buttacavoli’s clubs which caused him to have to pull out of a U.S. Open qualifying event. There is nothing really humorous here other than the fact it is a news story with the best name since Joey Buttafuoco.

American Airlines lost golfer Michael Buttacavoli’s clubs which caused him to have to pull out of a U.S. Open qualifying event. It’s just as well. Tournament officials were worried that he would win and that the event’s trophy would forever be adorned with the name “Michael Buttacavoli.”

A study says many colleges are failing to improve their students’ critical thinking skills. Especially the ones who sign up knowing their degree will get them a low-wage job that they will have to work at for 30 years just to pay off all their college loans.

A study says many colleges are failing to improve their students’ critical thinking skills. Actually, the college does teach them critical thinking skills which they completely forget after about their 20th keg party.

Lonzo Ball says it took about three to four hours to design his $495 signature shoes. The only hope is that the shoes will have tongues that move around less than the one in his dad’s mouth.

Lonzo Ball says it took about three to four hours to design his $495 signature shoes. The question is, will anyone buy a shoe designed by someone who doesn’t know the difference between an eyelet and an aglet?

Uber has hired an expert from Harvard to fix the company’s toxic culture. More importantly as part of their research they will become the first Harvard educated person to ever actually take a ride with Uber.

A study says a TV in children’s bedrooms increases the risk of obesity. Although probably no more than like most homes also now having a TV in the kitchen, bathroom, basement, attic and closets.

A study says a TV in children’s bedrooms increases the risk of obesity. Especially when their bedroom also has a refrigerator, hot plate and microwave oven.

Steven Bradbury, who authored the Bush Administration memo approving torture has been nominated as General Counsel of Transportation. Mostly because the torture memo makes him the most qualified to deal with Amtrak, United Airlines and Uber.

Legal experts are advising Donald Trump to stop tweeting about the travel ban. Although others are encouraging him to tweet more about it since it takes his mind off the tweets that are most likely to start World War III.

House Speaker Paul Ryan is ramping up his fundraising to protect House Republicans following the healthcare vote. Wouldn’t it just be easier to keep them from being voted out of office by passing a healthcare plan that actually helps people?

Montenegro has joined NATO, the first new member since 2009. Apparently it was a reaction to Donald Trump’s bad relations with the organization and is their way of saying “That’ll teach you to shove our Prime Minister out of the way!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The James Comey hearing is set for Thursday. I may take the day off just because that whole thing might just end up funnier than anything I can come up with. The networks are all going to carry it live which means it is good to see the return of “Must See TV.” I keep hoping this site will someday be labeled “Must Read Jokes” but that is a little slow in the making. At least that is not my only goal. The other thing that keeps me going is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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