Sunday, June 04, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says pesticides on food may cause damage to the brain. Fortunately, it’s not like more than a handful of Americans actually ever eat anything that pesticides are used on, like fruit or vegetables.

A study says pesticides on food may cause damage to the brain. So who ever thought that Donald Trump’s election victory may have been credited to the country’s vegetarians?

Ireland is set to have its first gay Prime Minister. The first clue was when Lucky Charms cereal first started adding those marshmallow rainbows.

Anthem Insurance says it will start punishing patients who make “unnecessary” visits to the ER. Which apparently means anyone not sick enough to where they can survive making it all the way to the ER.

Scientists in Australia say they can predict a person’s lifespan by looking at images of their organs. Which for most Australians is bad news when they see their liver has swollen three times larger than normal.

Scientists say a breakthrough could lead to the cure for food allergies to peanuts, shellfish and dairy products. Mostly by telling those people not to eat peanuts, shellfish or dairy products.

Google is facing a $9 Billion fine from the European Union over rigging search results in their favor. Which means pretty soon “Europe” will be what comes up for anyone searching “places that suck,” “countries where you are most likely to die” and “worst places to vacation.”

A report says early half of all Americans die broke. Which is better than the other half who live their entire life the same way.

A GOP Senator says a healthcare deal is unlikely this year. Which may come too late for the Trump Administration which may be just weeks from being declared DOA.

A study says there is more evidence linking grilled meat to the risk of cancer. Which is no big deal to most people eating a lot of barbecue who will die way before that from heart disease, diabetes and high blood pressure.

An 82 year old Texas woman was arrested for assaulting a TSA agent, saying she forgot to take her bipolar meds. Mostly because she was flying United and was more concerned about taking the necessary meds for paranoia, PTSD, anxiety, depression and mood disorder.

A Tennessee teenager admiring a gun he was given for high school graduation accidentally shot and killed his girlfriend. The good news is he just got his college education paid for through the Inmate Education Program.

A Tennessee teenager admiring a gun he was given for high school graduation accidentally shot and killed his girlfriend. Which is exactly the reason firearms are usually prohibited at commencement ceremonies.

A Tennessee teenager admiring a gun he was given for high school graduation accidentally shot and killed his girlfriend. What he needs to do is after his sentencing is find a college that takes tuition loan payments in candy bars and cigarettes.

Trump Administration lawyers are asking the Supreme Court to bring back his revised travel ban. Which seems unnecessary since no one will be traveling to the U.S. with the airline laptop ban, no regard for the climate and a giant wall in the way?

The Republican head of the Senate Intelligence Committee is trying to round up all copies of the scathing CIA torture report. Not only that, he is reportedly also trying to remove the thumbscrews, Iron Maiden and waterboarding tubs from the Senate dungeon.

The Republican head of the Senate Intelligence Committee is trying to round up all copies of the scathing CIA torture report. Although none of the methods listed in the report is as agonizing as having to listen to a hearing conducted by the Senate Intelligence Committee.

Vermont will join the climate alliance of states agreeing to work towards the goals of the Paris Climate Accord. Although the people of Vermont say they are OK with just enough global warming so they don’t have to shovel snow eight months out of the year.

A report says under Rex Tillerson, ExxonMobil may have misled shareholders about the impact of climate change on the company. Which is not as bad as what his function is as Secretary of State, which is to mislead all of America on the impact of climate change on the planet.

Jobs data could signal a shortage of qualified workers that are available to be hired. Mostly because the travel ban is keeping out all the people who actually have the skills to do more than clean out the Slurpee machine.

A report says spending on cancer drugs has topped $100 Billion the past five years, half of that in the U.S. and that is has resulted in people living longer. Which is the goal of Big Pharma in charging a fortune for drugs that will allow patients to live long enough to pay them off.

A report says Americans are routinely overcharged when they go to the ER. Which most people know as going to the ER.

A report says Americans are routinely overcharged when they go to the ER. The worst part is when the people are taken to the ER after passing out when they open their bill for their last visit to the ER.

A report says Americans are routinely overcharged when they go to the ER. Which is no surprise since hospitals also routinely overcharge for inpatient, outpatient, radiology, cardiac care, Intensive Care Unit, surgery, maternity ward…

A report says hundreds of patients have requested life-ending drugs in California. Who are otherwise known as Clippers fans.

A study says loneliness may lead to sleepless nights. Which is bad news when it causes your wife to be waiting up for you when you try to sneak back into the bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.

A top Senate Republican doesn’t see a comprehensive health care plan being passed this year. Mostly because Congress is pretty much incapable of passing a comprehensive anything.

A top Senate Republican doesn’t see a comprehensive health care plan being passed this year. Mostly because they are too busy working to destroy the actual comprehensive health care plan they passed with President Obama in 2009.

Doctors are warning of “catastrophic consequences” if we pull out of the Paris Climate Accord. Which will come after the catastrophic consequences we will be dealing with from the Wall, the economic plan, foreign diplomacy, NAFTA, health care…

Wal-Mart is being accused of punishing workers taking sick days. Apparently they see no reason for employees to take sick days when they don’t provide them with any health care or enough money to actually go see a doctor.

A report says food allergies affect less than 4% of Americans. The other 96% are just fine as long as they don’t develop any allergies to fat, sugar or salt.

A study says healthy eating is linked to a lower likelihood of depression. Other than the sadness from never being able to eat ice cream, cake or pie ever again.

A study says healthy eating is linked to a lower likelihood of depression. Mostly from not having a new round of medical bills show up in the mail every month.

Kim Kardashian is calling for stricter gun control laws. Which is interesting coming from someone who married such a loose cannon.

Kim Kardashian is calling for stricter gun control laws. To which most Americans are saying sure, if she will go along with a complete ban on selfies.

Kim Kardashian is calling for stricter gun control laws. Which is ironic for someone who floods the Internet with photos of herself constantly flashing a pair of 38s.

Kathy Griffin says she feels “betrayed” by Anderson Cooper after being fired from CNN. Apparently she feels Cooper was behind the network calling for her head.

Kathy Griffin says she feels “betrayed” by Anderson Cooper after being fired from CNN. Apparently she was upset that when it came to her, he did a 180.

Jenna and Barbara Bush are planning to write a memoir. The book will start after they are in their mid 20s since they don’t remember too much that happened until after they got through college.

Jenna and Barbara Bush are planning to write a memoir. Their father George W. Bush says he will do anything he can to help them write it and has even offered to give them his whole set of crayons.

A rumor says Fergie has left the Black Eyed Peas. Which is really big news for anyone still living in 2005.

America Ferrera and George Takei are helping kick off Immigrant Heritage Month. Which is not to be confused with the Trump Administration kicking off Kicking Out Immigrants and Their Heritage Month.

Michigan wide receiver Grant Perry is back on the team following being charged with felony sex assault charges. Fortunately for him, he didn’t do anything unforgiveable like taking a knee during the National Anthem.

Sean Spicer says the racist attack against LeBron James is not indicative of a trend. A trend is like when the Trump Administration tries to enforce a travel ban, denies millions health care and builds a wall along an entire border.

United Airlines is facing a $435,000 fine for unsafe flying. Which is more than offset by the billions of dollars in profits they take in every year with no punishment for delays, cancellations and dragging passengers off planes.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says he has a secret Twitter account that he uses to follow the NBA. It’s just too bad he doesn’t have any other connections who might be able to find ways to give him a more direct line on what is happening in the league.

Roberto De Vicenzo, the first Argentine to win a major with the 1967 British Open and who also lost the 1968 Masters after signing an incorrect scorecard has died at age 94. Although after a recheck, it turns out he was actually 93.

Charles Barkley is defending Tiger Woods after his DUI arrest. Which is about as welcome as someone being called a bigot and getting the full support of Mel Gibson.

John Daly offered Tiger Woods advice following his DUI arrest. How bad is it when you are being lectured about sobriety from a guy who was once found passed out in the parking lot of a Hooters?

Apple has slammed the Trump Administration pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord. Which is probably not a big deal for most Apple customers who would only notice the effects of global warming if they ever actually looked up for more than a few seconds from their iPhone screen.

The Trump Administration is getting criticism from around the world for pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord. There hasn’t been this much controversy over pulling out of Paris since the Hilton sex tape.

U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley says that Donald Trump believes the climate is changing. Especially the political climate where his numbers are cooling down to around 35%.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I had an anonymous comment on the blog last week that was rather funny. It claimed I am biased against Trump. Wrong. I have no political bias here. I just read the news and make jokes about things I find dumb. I can’t help it if Trump happens to be a gold mine for comedy. Why work hard to write a joke when it is just handed along so easily? The person then went on some sort of ramble which included comments about sharia law(?). First of all, I am the only one who gets to rant here. If you want to go on an incoherent tirade, get your own blog. That’s what they are for. Also to bring the best jokes anywhere to faithful followers. Which someday I hope to actually start doing. Thanks for your patience. But most important, I hope you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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