Friday, June 30, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Doctors say people should use sunscreen when using cellphones and computers to avoid blue light radiation. Ironically, the reason most people quit using sunscreen is because they sit in front of a computer screen all day and never go outside.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has declared a state of emergency for New York City subways. No one knew just how bad the plague of man spreading has gotten.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has declared a state of emergency for New York City subways because of safety issues. Or as most subway riders call that, “Tuesday.”

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has declared a state of emergency for New York City subways. There hasn’t been this much commotion caused over subways since the arrest of Jared Fogle.

A bar that is opening in Las Vegas will be staffed by two robotic bartenders. Which when combined with the slot machines, the city will be full of one-armed devices that will take all your money and then help you get drunk to forget about it.

A study says intelligent children tend to live longer. That is, if they can just make it past all the bullies tormenting them through their high school years.

A study says intelligent children tend to live longer. Those are the ones who spend their TV time avoiding watching reruns of “Jackass.”

A study says intelligent children tend to live longer. That’s just more bad news for the Kardashian family.

Japan has announced a plan to land a man on the Moon by 2030. That would make the surface of the Moon just like Silicon Valley as it will only have been inhabited by white and Asian males.

A truck crash in Texas sent its cargo of pigs scurrying across the highway. There haven’t been that many hogs on the road since the motorcycle rally in Sturgis.

A study says city life can lower a man’s testosterone level and fertility. If for no other reason, for some men it is just difficult to perform with all those people around.

A study says low-income families spend 40% of their income on luxuries. Which isn’t hard to believe as ever since the economic crash of 2007, most people count as luxuries buying food, paying rent and filling the tank with gas.

A study says sex can make people healthier. Which is finally one way that dating Paris Hilton may not be potentially hazardous.

The CBO says the U.S. can fund the government through early to mid October without raising the debt ceiling. The only question is how can you worry about running out of money when you are already $20 Trillion in the red?

The new Trump travel ban doesn’t count grandparents and cousins as “bona fide” relationships to use to get into the country. People will instead have to lean on more traditional connections like their stepparents, two dads or gender fluid siblings.

The new Trump travel ban doesn’t count grandparents and cousins as “bona fide” relationships to use to get into the country. Travel experts say the ban against cousins could stop millions of people from entering the U.S. just to visit Arkansas.

The new Trump travel ban doesn’t count grandparents and cousins as “bona fide” relationships to use to get into the country. The good news for kids is now with grandma no longer considered bona fide, it means no more suffocating hugs and kisses at Christmas.

Fireworks products have been recalled after complaints they explode when lit. Isn’t that pretty much the whole point?

Researchers say air pollution cuts solar energy output by as much as 25%. Which makes it too bad there isn’t more solar energy being used that could cut down on some of that air pollution.

A study says climate change will make the U.S. poorer and more unequal, with the South being hit the hardest. To which people are now saying “Al Gore was right!”

A study says climate change will make the U.S. poorer and more unequal. The news surprised people. They thought that was all pretty much being brought on by just the Wall Street banks and politicians.

German is telling social networks to delete hate speech faster or face fines. Which is good news to see that Germany is finally coming around only 78 years late.

Twitter is considering adding a feature so users can flag tweets that contain misleading, false or harmful information. Although for now those can be identified by tweets sent out from the account @realDonaldTrump.

Roku has been banned from selling its devices in Mexico. Apparently the government wants to prevent people from sitting around all day streaming reruns of “Sabado Gigante,” the Bumblebee Man and Erik Estrada soap operas.

Funding for Illinois state colleges is down 61% over recent years due to budget cuts. The legislature says to regain full funding, they will have to show their academic superiority the traditional way. By winning the National College Football Playoffs.

A new phone app reportedly helps people improve their public speaking. Mostly by telling them to put the phone down for five minutes and actually talk to another human.

A group is suing Uber for their lack of wheelchair access. Apparently the problem comes from Toyota not offering the option of installing ramps on the Prius.

Iran is accusing the U.S. of a “brazen” plan to change its government. To which the U.S. says that would have to wait until Donald Trump is finished doing that here.

The CBO says the Senate Health Care Bill would slash Medicaid funding 35% by 2036. Republicans were surprised at the analysis. How could they possibly have forgotten about removing that other 65%?

Licensed hookers in Nevada are speaking out against the Republican Health Care Bill, saying it will hurt them and their families. The prostitutes are looking for some help from Congress, if for no reason other than professional courtesy.

Scientists are saying there is no limit to how long humans can live. Other than the proximity to how close they live to the nearest Taco Bell.

Scientists are saying there is no limit to how long humans can live. Which is good news for college students who now see the chance they could make it long enough to pay off their tuition loans.

A Georgia woman is suing a hospital for leaving a camera inside her following surgery. Apparently she became aware of the situation when she saw her Facebook page was now featuring selfies of her kidneys, liver and spleen.

MTV has spoken out about impaired driving following an episode of “Teen Mom OG.” Which is ironic that the show was started because MTV failed to speak out about birth control, education and relationship issues.

Paris Hilton has launched a line of lingerie. Or as she calls it, her wardrobe.

Clippers guard Lou Williams chastised the “nerds” who cover sports. It’s just too bad that sports aren’t covered by athletes who would do a great job if any of them ever actually finished college.

Clippers guard Lou Williams chastised the “nerds” who cover sports. Mostly because when the networks decided to let athletes be the ones covering sports we ended up with Tim McCarver.

44 year old Pitcher Bartolo Colon’s career may be over as the Braves designated him for assignment.  Apparently he is taking it well, using his time off to finish filling out his forms for Social Security.

44 year old Pitcher Bartolo Colon’s career may be over as the Braves designated him for assignment. Not to say he is getting a bit old for the game, but not only did he once win the Cy Young, he used to hang out with Cy Young.

Kirk Triplett shot a 62 to tie the record for the U.S. Senior Open. He credits the round to the course, weather conditions and the lift, clean and place, mulligan and golf cart availability on the Champions Tour.

Kirk Triplett shot a 62 to tie the record for the U.S. Senior Open. What’s even more amazing is that score would have broken the age of half the players in the field.

Daytona Beach Police are investigating a bomb threat at Daytona International Speedway. Fortunately, the threat came on one of the 51 other weeks of the year when the track is completely empty.

Daytona Beach Police are investigating a bomb threat at Daytona International Speedway. It turns out it only someone pointing out that the Daytona 500 race features several cars made by GM.

45 year old NHL star Jaromir Jagr says he has gotten no calls from teams even though he wants to play another year. Although he was contacted by the Atlanta Braves who told him they have an opening if he knows how to pitch.

A watchdog group says online fraud is “overlooked” by the government. Which is pretty obvious to anyone who has ever wondered how Amazon has been able to get so big.

A watchdog group says Internet fraud is “overlooked” by the government. Which has been the case ever since perpetrators figured out they can get regulators to look the other way after it became possible to make campaign donations online.

A study says air pollution may hasten the death of seniors. Although you would think they would be used to it after living all those years in a home that smells like old people.

J.K. Rowling quoted Abraham Lincoln in response to a tweet by Donald Trump. The sad part is that more people would have followed her and shown interest if she had instead used a quote from Harry Potter.

Donald Trump dined with the President of South Korea at the White House. Although it was a bit uncomfortable for Trump to be eating a meal with a Korean who kept saying it’s a dog-eat-dog world.

Conservative think tank Foreign Policy Initiative is closing because it says its mission is “no longer relevant.” Mostly because who needs more conservative discourse when we have Donald Trump, Sean Spicer and Fox News?

A company is selling a bikini made of pizza for $10,000. Which is ironic considering pizza is the reason more women don’t have the body that would make them comfortable putting on a bikini in the first place.

 A study says the happiest years in a person’s life are usually 23 and 69. 23 because that is when they graduate college, and 69 because that is when they finally pay off their tuition loans.

A report says the worst airline to fly on the 4th of July is United. Mostly because why should that be different than the other 364 days of the year that United is also the worst airline to fly?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! We have arrived at the 4th of July holiday weekend. I hope you all have a great time celebrating the 241st birthday of our country. And like most other people praying that we can make it to the 242nd. I will be taking a little time off from the joke writing. I will probably have the jokes on Monday as usual but will take a break on Tuesday to reflect on what I do and how disappointed the Founding Fathers would be. But what can you do? I will as usual celebrate when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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