Thursday, June 29, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A poll says American confidence in newspapers is low but starting to rise. Except with those under 30 who keep asking “What’s a newspaper?”

 A poll says American confidence in newspapers is low but starting to rise. Mostly from the nostalgia with people who remember newspapers as where TV stations get their news.

A study says mental health problems are rising for college students. Ironically much of it is caused when they find out how much they are paying for their Psychology 101 course.

A study says mental health problems are rising for college students. Mostly when they realize they will graduate with a $100,000 debt that they will have to try to pay off with a minimum wage job.

A report says people have thrown up, fainted and screamed during performances of the Broadway version of George Orwell’s “1984.” Which is no big deal since anymore that is the same reaction people have while watching the evening news.

A report says people have thrown up, fainted and screamed during performances of the Broadway version of George Orwell’s “1984.” There hasn’t been a reaction like that on Broadway since people found out tickets to see “Hamilton” would cost them $800 apiece.

The U.S. is set to announce even more security measures on international flights. Which will be easy to implement since there won’t be any passengers on board if they keep banning people from bringing laptops on flights.

Donald Trump is planning to attend the Bastille Day celebration in France this year. Apparently he is looking into getting some demonstrations on just how politically effective it could be to bring back the guillotine.

A proposed bill in the Philippines would send people to jail for not singing along enthusiastically with the national anthem. That law would never fly in the U.S. as the only people who would be affected are sports fans.

A proposed bill in the Philippines would send people to jail for not singing along enthusiastically with the national anthem. Not like in the U.S. where the only people who sing our National Anthem enthusiastically are the ones who are off key and can’t remember the words.

A Florida woman has given birth to a baby fathered by an 11 year old boy. The sad part is the boy will be the only person to ever have to pay off his child support bill from a newspaper route and lemonade stand.

A report says the Kremlin is convinced the U.S. wants a regime change in Russia. Although at the moment the Trump Administration is much more interested in regime changes for California, Oregon, Washington State and New York.

The U.S. is reportedly planning to construct eight border wall prototypes this summer. To which most Americans are asking “Just how many borders do we have?”

The U.S. is reportedly planning to construct eight border wall prototypes this summer. Apparently the eight choices involve the color scheme which ranges from Cinco de Mayo red to Pinata yellow to Margarita green.

The Mormon Church is offering workers paid maternity leave. Which is great news, especially for the men who have three of their five wives ready to give birth around the same time.

Disney World says an animatron Donald Trump will have a speaking role at the Hall of Presidents. The only problem is that the speech includes an executive order closing down the “It’s A Small World” ride.

The Legionnaire’s Disease bacteria has reportedly been found at a Florida health club. Which sets the standard for anyone needing a definition of the word “irony.”

Political experts say democracy “has been suspended” in Venezuela. People were surprised at the news. When did Venezuela start claiming to be a democracy?

Political experts say democracy “has been suspended” in Venezuela. The Trump Administration was disappointed in the news. They wanted to be the first.

Warren Buffett says a single payer health insurance plan for the U.S. “makes sense.” Although anything can be made to make sense when you have $75 Billion in the bank.

Experts say the latest cyberattack should be a reminder of the importance of “safer computing.” That sounds like something that requires computer users to put a condom over the mouse.

FedEx deliveries were slowed down by the recent global cyberattack. They knew there was a problem when the company spokesman who talks so fast actually turned out to be speaking Ukrainian.

FedEx deliveries were slowed down by the recent global cyberattack. It got so bad the company had to temporarily change their slogan to “When it sort of, kind of maybe has to be there.”

New and larger incentives are being considered for electric cars in California. And what bigger incentive is there than being able to show all your friends you can afford to live in California and drive around in a Tesla?

Feds say 11,000 fireworks victims are taken to the ER each year. Ambulance crews at shows know they need to get ready when the crowd noise goes from “Ooooooh” to “Ahhhhhhhh” to “Ow!”

A study says poor sleep may worsen a person’s suicidal thoughts. What’s worse is when their wives offer to make it an assisted suicide after finding out they aren’t getting enough sleep when they catch them sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.

Polls say a majority of Americans disapprove of the Republican Health Care Bill. Although they also disapproved of Donald Trump and Congress but look what happened in the November election.

Polls say a majority of Americans disapprove of the Republican Health Care Bill. But the good news for the people in Washington, D.C. is that they know that no matter what they do, voters will forget about it by 2018.

A study says heartburn medications don’t raise the risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. Which is too bad because people suffering from gastrointestinal disorders would love to have a way where they could just forget about having indigestion.

Donald Trump is promising a “big surprise” with the Health Care Bill. That being when all the people who voted for Trump lose their health insurance and he yells out “Surprise!”

A judge in Canada says arthritis may qualify a woman for euthanasia. Which is good news for her since her fingers are so stiff she just isn’t able to pull the trigger herself.

A judge in Canada says arthritis may qualify a woman for euthanasia. Which is a word of warning for parents not to complain to their kids about sore and achy joints and give them any ideas.

Scientists say there is no known limit to how long humans can live. Apparently they are still just waiting to see how many more years Larry King has in him.

Scientists say there is no known limit to how long humans can live. To do that they need to go to a country besides the U.S. where the air, water and diet allows most people to max out in their mid 50s.

A 55 year Cincinnati man wows crowds with his ability to hit a baseball despite being blind. The good news is he can still be involved in the game as his disability at least doesn’t keep him from a career as an umpire.

A study says exercise can improve a person’s love life. Especially by getting into good enough shape to jump out a window and run down the street when her husband comes home unexpectedly.

Pierce Brosnan will have the chance to sing again in the sequel “Momma Mia: Here We Go Again!” The good news is that if he can’t sing on key it will only be known by the three people who actually buy a ticket to see the movie.

Outgoing Republican congressman Jason Chaffetz has taken a job with Fox News. Anyone who says Fox doesn’t have a political agenda has to wonder how they can possibly offer more job security than being a Republican congressman from Utah?

The Grammys will be in New York City in 2018 but will return to Los Angeles in 2019. The awards are said to bring in $82 Million to the local economy. And that’s just the amount going for the Botox injections, tanning salons and cocaine dealers.

Halle Berry says her historic Oscar win in 2001 now “means nothing.” To which the producers of “La La Land” are saying “Tell us about it!”

Britney Spears fought back at accusations she lip syncs. Mostly because to actually lip sync you have to make it look like your mouth is moving at the same time as the lyrics.

Britney Spears fought back at accusations she lip syncs. Mostly because to do that it would have to actually be her voice that is used for her songs.

A Texas basketball player is 6’9” and weighs 270 pounds in the eighth grade. That would not be as big of a deal in Alabama as there are several eighth graders that size but they are all 19 years old.

Drew Brees says flag football may save the game. Especially for the Saints who have the 27th rated defense and may have a chance if they don’t actually have to tackle anyone.

The U.S. has reportedly decided against expanding the laptop ban. Mostly because they don’t want to have to deal with the airlines not allowing electronic devices and eventually having to drag everyone off the plane screaming.

PornHub is offering videos that synchronize with connected sex toys. Finally a way to get people interested in the concept of interactive programming.

PornHub is offering videos that synchronize with connected sex toys. Which is at least an acceptable way for people to get used to the ideas of humans being eventually replaced by robots.

A study says practicing attention can boost performances with new tasks. The real test is when people can actually make it look like they were able to pay attention and taking an interest in reading the entire study.

Scientists say they “can’t rule out” a collision with an asteroid that will come close to the Earth’s orbit it 2029. Which is no surprise because those same scientists still can’t make a driverless car that is guaranteed not to run into a bus.

A Democratic congressman says Donald Trump holding a fundraiser at his own hotel is a conflict of interest. Although the argument could be made that every fundraiser by any politician ever has pretty much been a conflict of interest.

Mitch McConnell is warning of possible bipartisanship on the Health Care Bill. How polarized have things gotten in Congress when talking to the other side is enough to declare a State of Emergency inside the Capitol?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is almost the 4th of July, our national day of independence. It’s when we broke away from the British and decided that we needed to make our fighting much more localized, keeping it all now in Washington, D.C. Of course, the fireworks are simply a symbol of what happens anytime a bill makes it to the floor of the House of Representatives. I am just glad we can forget our differences here and be more engaged in trying to figure out what most of these jokes actually mean. Well, I support the free market and you get what you pay for. And my payment comes when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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