Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

CNN President Jeff Zucker says viewers trust the network more than ever. Which means they have finally won over all three of them.

A massive ransomware outbreak is reportedly spreading across the world where users have to pay money to get their hijacked files back. Which for most people is still more reasonable than their monthly cable Internet bill.

Fed Chief Janet Yellen says another financial crisis is “not likely in our lifetime.” Although only if Trump’s health care plan passes and we all will be lucky to live out the next few years.

A report says U.S. pets are getting fatter. Which finally proves the old theory that eventually pets grow to look like their owners.

A 61 year old Las Vegas grandfather is training for the NBA. Calvin Roberts was originally drafter in 1980 by the San Antonio Spurs and apparently he just wants a chance to play with his fellow draftees who are still in the lineup.

Researchers say social media can forecast the future and predict riots and revolution. They go even further by saying they can tell when World War III will begin just by reading Donald Trump’s daily tweets.

A study says half of all Americans spend their entire paycheck or more every month. The other half are wishing they just had a paycheck to spend.

Los Angeles ultra-luxurious mansions are being sold with the incentive of including servants. Although most people thought having domestic help that come with the house was a practice that went out with Southern plantations back in 1865.

Los Angeles ultra-luxurious mansions are being sold with the incentive of including servants. Apparently real estate speculators are figuring they can make the offer at least until Donald Trump finally builds his wall.

Brazil’s President says corruption charges against him are “fictional.” Which shows that Donald Trump’s style of dealing with criticism and investigations are now pretty much becoming universal.

Taco Bell will start offering $600 weddings in Las Vegas. The ceremonies are also catered by the restaurant which means the vows are edited to just have the bride and groom promise to “love each other in sickness until death do us part.”

Facebook has reportedly hit 2 Billion active monthly users. Which is an interesting term to describe people who sit in front of a computer 16 hours a day watching cat videos and what their friends are eating as “active.”

Facebook has reportedly hit 2 Billion active monthly users. Which gives us hope knowing there are still 5 Billion people on the planet with no Internet, no computer or mobile devices who still actually have some sort of a life.

The Supreme Court says it will hear a New Jersey challenge to a sports gambling ban. Which is great news to hear the High Court has room for the case because there are no longer any issues with the economy, immigration, terrorism, health care…

A survey says the global view of the U.S. has worsened under Donald Trump, with less than 30% support. Which is sad because along with the election and his track record with Congress, he can’t find a majority to go along with him anywhere.

A survey says the global view of the U.S. has worsened under Donald Trump, with less than 30% support. The other 70% are upset because the travel ban means they have to put off their trip to visit Disney World for at least another four years.

Former government officials in the U.S. and Europe say Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin should declare that a nuclear war should never be fought. After that all they need to do is also convince North Korea, China, Iran, Pakistan, India…

Trader Joe’s canned wine is reportedly becoming popular at a price of $3.99. Which at least explains the name of the store as a place where people can come to trade in their dignity.

The CEO of Darden’s Restaurants says Millennials still enjoy chain restaurants like Olive Garden. Mostly because they can make a little more money than when they were working at McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King.

The Republican Health Care Plan vote has been delayed until after the 4th of July. Mostly so Congress can let people still have health insurance for when they go to the ER after eating too much, getting sunburned and losing their fingers to fireworks.

A survey says mostly young, well educated men are ordering legal marijuana deliveries. Mostly because the poor, uneducated potheads can never remember where they left their phones to try to place a call.

A survey says mostly young, well educated men are ordering legal marijuana deliveries. Mostly because they are educated and successful as they were smart enough to not start using weed until after they got all the way through college.

A report says the Republican Health Care Bill will mean people will end up paying more to get less. Which shouldn’t surprise anyone as that is pretty much the business model for everything that is run by Congress.

A report says the $15 an hour minimum wage in Seattle may be hurting workers who are getting fewer hours on the job. With that mindset it would be better with lower pay and more hours, so why not just take it all the way and go back to slavery?

A survey says American confidence in the economy is barely positive. Although it may not last long as barely positive is also the status of most people’s bank accounts.

Google was hit with a $2.7 Billion fine by the EU for abuses with their shopping service. The court’s opinion can be accessed by just googling “WTF?”

Donald Trump says it’s “OK” if the Republican Health Care Bill doesn’t pass. Mostly because he is a billionaire and the President so he and his family will have perpetual health coverage no matter what happens to everyone else.

A study says teens and young adults who use e-cigarettes are more likely to use real cigarettes. Which is mostly a throwback for people who want to go retro and switch from digital to analogue.

California says 111 terminally ill people have ended their lives under the new state right-to-die law. Which it turns out is unnecessary legislation as the Republican Health Care Bill will pretty much have the same outcome for everyone.

A study says stress may hasten death for patients who are suffering from heart disease. Well, that news will certainly make it easier for them to relax.

The American Heart Association says most Americans are untrained in CPR and first aid. Mostly because employees are only trained by the company when someone has a heart attack in the office to finish up what they were working on.

Jay Z and Beyonce have reportedly taken their twins home to a rented 10 bedroom house in Malibu. They need ten bedrooms, one each for the couple and their three children leaving the other six to be shared by all their nannies.

Kris Jenner says Kim Kardashian’s sex tape was “devastating” to her. Mostly because she saw how much money it made and that she was too old to put one out herself.

Louis Tomlinson says he was “forgettable” as a member of One Direction. To which most people are saying they wish they could say the same thing about the entire group.

Louis Tomlinson says he was “forgettable” as a member of One Direction. As was pretty much everyone else in the group who isn’t named Harry Styles.

44 year old Braves pitcher Bartolo Colon is rejoining the team after coming off the Disabled List. The reason he was on the Disabled List was being a 44 year old pitcher.

Brent Musburger says he still doesn’t know why people were creeped out by his comments about quarterback A.J. McCarron’s now wife back in 2013. Although not knowing why people were bothered by a 75 year old man drooling over a hot 20-something woman is even creepier.

Tim Tebow says he still has a long way to go to become a successful baseball player. Although having a long way to go to become a successful football quarterback never stopped him from trying to do that, either.

Tim Tebow says he still has a long way to go to become a successful baseball player. Especially when you consider he is a 29 year old playing Single A against other players who not that long ago were making plate appearances using a tee.

Ricky Fowler has responded to critics saying he wasn’t angry enough after coming up short at the U.S. Open. Apparently people don’t realize that it’s tough to get too mad after playing golf for four days and being handed a check for $420,000.

A study says needle-free flu vaccine patches work as well as getting a shot. Mostly because the number of people still getting the flu every year shows garlic cloves worn on a string around the neck are as effective as getting a flu shot.

A study says needle-free flu vaccine patches work as well as getting a shot. The sad part is if that becomes the preferred method, what will happen to all the sadistic nurses whose only fun in life is making all of us whimper when they get to stick us?

A report says the global app economy will reach $6.3 Trillion by 2021. The good news is, the more apps we use the more that are needed for things like teaching people how to look away from their phone for a minute and talk to another human.

Twitter has hired a new VP of Inclusion and Diversity. The first lesson for workers is that the best way to be inclusive and diverse is to never tweet what they are thinking.

Twitter has hired a new VP of Inclusion and Diversity. It’s important for the workers to accept diversity as not all white and Asian males wear only Polo shirts, Dockers and a man bun.

A survey says most people feel Uber drivers deserve to be tipped. The only problem for the drivers is picking up a passenger who is still sober enough to remember to give a gratuity.

The Ukraine has bee hit with a major cyberattack. The word is that it shut down Internet traffic for all seven residents and businesses in the Ukraine who actually have a computer.

A proposed bill in California will give kids in juvenile facilities the right to Internet access. Legislators want to give them the opportunity to rehabilitate themselves and graduate from car theft and assault up to learning how to commit white collar crime.

A study says the Republican Health Care Plan will raise premiums 74%. Which health insurance companies can all agree to call that “A good place to start.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog once again. Hopefully at least some of you are return customers. I never know if people read these jokes once and figure that’s enough. My regulars know once is never enough. Although twice may do the trick. In any event, I appreciate anyone checking out the material and my greatest reward and what I truly live for is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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