Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says TV drama shows are adapting to dealing with real-life issues under the Trump Administration. On the other hand, late night comedy show writers are having their work done for them by just cut and pasting Trump’s latest tweets.

Amazon is reportedly planning on using robots to run Whole Food warehouses. Which is no big deal as they will just have to program them to go around to all the products on the shelves and double their prices.

A study says regular sex can prevent heart attacks, especially in men. Which is the real reason why their wives are always telling them they are “too tired” tonight.

A study says regular sex can prevent heart attacks, especially in men. Especially when they are surprised by their wives in the middle of having that regular sex with their girlfriend.

Salvador Dali’s body will be exhumed because of a paternity claim. Although lawyers for the state claim the artist is being framed.

Salvador Dali’s body will be exhumed because of a paternity claim. All you can say about someone involved in a paternity case after they have been dead for 28 years is they must have had some stamina.

Pennsylvania couple was arrested for having sex in public in view of a playground. Apparently they mistook the location as being a foreplayground.

TSA agents found a 20 pound lobster inside a bag at Boston’s Logan Airport. Searches were put on hold until the agents were able to finally find some luggage that contained a tub of butter.

TSA agents found a 20 pound lobster inside a bag at Boston’s Logan Airport. Some people will go to incredible lengths to get around the high prices of inflight snacks.

TSA agents found a 20 pound lobster inside a bag at Boston’s Logan Airport. Those are the agents who have traded in their flak jackets and come to work wearing a bib.

Senate Republicans have revised their health care bill to penalize people without insurance. Apparently it isn’t enough to just keep with the current penalties for not having health insurance, death or bankruptcy.

Senate Republicans have revised their health care bill to penalize people without insurance. Which will then be enforced on the 23 Million people who the health care bill will cause to lose their insurance.

An Ohio mother was brutally beaten by a couple at a playground over a broken sippy cup. Ironically, the victim is now having to eat all her meals through a straw.

The USS Fitzgerald that collided with a cargo ship failed to respond to repeated warnings. Although the captain of the destroyer says he swears he didn’t hear them honk their horn even once.

An Arkansas inmate who escaped 32 years ago was caught while visiting his mother. Apparently he has been living all that time with relatives, which was hard to narrow down as that pretty much meant the entire state of Arkansas.

Taco Bell is launching $600 Las Vegas weddings which include tacos, hot sauce and Cinnabon desserts. The ceremony also includes a limousine which takes the wedding party directly from the ceremony to the ER.

Taco Bell is launching $600 Las Vegas weddings which include tacos, hot sauce and Cinnabon desserts. It also makes for easy wedding gift ideas, with most people giving the newlyweds matching bottles of Maalox.

Amtrak has picked the former CEO of Delta Airlines as their new chief. Because who can better prepare their engineers for how to react during the part of their journey where they find themselves airborne?

BMW has committed to bringing 1,000 new jobs to their SUV factory in South Carolina. They will be the ones who will be painting Confederate flags on all the vehicles’ rear windows.

 BMW has committed to bringing 1,000 new jobs to their SUV factory in South Carolina. They will be the ones who attach bumpers, windshields and mirrors to the vehicles using duct tape.

Homeless shelters in Chicago will start serving Starbucks coffee with meals. Which will be ironic for the people who are homeless because they went broke trying to pay off their monthly Starbucks bill.

 A study says people are less likely to help others in need when the weather is uncomfortably hot. Which finally explains why people get so grouchy when it comes to the subject of global warming.

A study says childhood poverty may predict heart failure later in life. As opposed to the children growing into adults with heart failure who will suffer poverty trying to pay off their cardiologists’ bill.

The AMA says the Senate health care bill violates the medical oath of “first, do no harm.” To which Republican Senators say the only harm they intend is to the idea of Obamacare.

The AMA says the Senate health care bill violates the medical oath of “first, do no harm.” Which will only catch the attention of Congress when the bill does harm to their chances of reelection and fundraising.

Drug residue was reportedly found in some Sanderson Farms “100% natural” chicken products. Which the company says is OK since the drug found was organically grown pot and magic mushrooms.

Doctors groups want sugar and “cancer-causing” foods taken off hospital menus. To which administrators are saying serving those kinds of meals to patients is their way of guaranteeing return customers.

A study says sleep patterns among individuals can vary by up to ten hours. Especially for wives who stay up much later than usual to catch their husbands trying to sneak into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.

A study says health-related complaints about shampoo and makeup are at an all-time high. Which is why there is always a doctor on site for concerts by Christina Aguilera, Ke$ha and Lady Gaga.

A study says following a friend in a car makes people more likely to drive dangerously. Mostly because 90% of the time someone is following a friend in their car is to try to make it to the next bar.

A study says following a friend in a car makes people more likely to drive dangerously. Especially when they are both taking their GM vehicles back to the dealer because of the latest safety recall.

A study says riding a bike to work can ease stress. Mostly because it gets those people out of any possibility of getting roped into carpooling with their coworkers.

A study says riding a bike to work can ease stress. Unless your job is being an Uber driver.

A New Jersey mom whose son has a rare genetic disorder tweeter how much her hospital bill would be without insurance. People were shocked. They had no idea you could write out a hospital bill using only 140 characters.

A study says 100 different strains of bacteria were found on dollar bills circulated around New York City. Which ironically is fewer than what they use those dollars to pay for from a sidewalk food cart.

Senators are urging to not rush passing the Republican Health Care Bill. Mostly other Republicans who want to have a few more election campaigns that can be based on repealing Obamacare.

Donald Trump says “I think we are going to get there” with the Health Care Bill. “There” for the wealthy meaning getting even richer with tax cuts in the bill and for the poor, “there” meaning the funeral home.

Charlie Sheen is selling Babe Ruth’s 1927 World Series ring. Ironically, they both became notorious for their hard-partying ways, which in the 1920s meant downing a few hot dogs and beers after a game.

Legendary Hollywood stuntman Loren Janes, who doubled for Steve McQueen and Paul Newman has died at age 85. Apparently he died doing what he loved, trying to jump a Rascal scooter down the steps on his front porch.

Donald Trump will have a speaking role at the Disney World Hall of Presidents. It will consist of an animatron in his image telling all the foreign park visitors to “Go home now!”

A Miami Dolphins fan got married while wearing a Dolphins football helmet. Mostly to protect his head from his bride trying to hit him for wearing a Dolphins helmet at their wedding.

Vikings wide receiver Michael Floyd has been sentenced to one day in jail for failing a DUI test he says was brought on by drinking fermented tea. Apparently that means next time he will only drink fermented grapes, barley or malt.

Vikings wide receiver Michael Floyd has been sentenced to one day in jail for failing a DUI test he says was brought on by drinking fermented tea. The good news is that he says failing a test reminded him of the good old days when he was still in college.

A Washington Nationals fan who died at age 68 had his obituary take a potshot at the team’s bullpen. Ironically, the reason the man died is because the ER staff was credited with a blown save.

A Missouri man was arrested for taking his car onto the University of Missouri basketball court causing $100,000 in damage. The man says he always wanted to see what it felt like to drive the lane.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says the league is considering lowering the age to enter the draft. Which will be rough now that 9 year olds are already being offered athletic scholarships and at 11 will announce their intention to be a one and done.

Google says it will stop scanning e-mails to sell ads. Especially after getting complaints from men after using G-Mail to make an account with Ashley Madison and find out their wives are getting ads from divorce lawyers.

A report says the Supreme Court decision on Donald Trump’s travel ban could cause travel chaos. To which people who fight traffic to get to the airport, go through TSA screening in order to fly United are saying “Why should they have it any easier?”

A study says losing health insurance increases the risk of people dying. Which is an indirect result from jumping out of their window after realizing their medical bills have sent them into bankruptcy.

A poll says Americans’ confidence in institutions is going up. Mostly because they think an institution is where most of the members of Congress belong.

A study says new cars are unaffordable for most Americans. Which is no surprise as they found the same thing about food, rent, utilities, taxes, health care…

A study says new cars are unaffordable for most Americans. Mostly because they don’t have enough money to buy one after losing their job which they don’t need a car to drive to anymore in the first place.

A study says three fourths of the world has no confidence in Trump. Which means he is doing much better in the U.S. where he only needed to get the support of just under half to become President.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, there they are. Read ‘em and weep. That’s fifteen minutes of your life you will never get back. Oh, well. You aren’t the only one who is disappointed. I am still upset that I am so far away from my goal of 7 Billion daily readers. You obviously aren’t doing your part to spread the word. We need to get going here. By 2050 there will be nearly 10 Billion people on the planet and if we are up to 7 Billion by then we will still be 3 Billion short of the new goal. Tell your friends, family and strangers on the street to check out the blog. If you can’t do that, it’s still OK when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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