Sunday, June 25, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Johnny Depp has apologized after making a joke about assassinating Donald Trump. The only reason it was taken seriously is because after “Mortdecai,” “Dark Shadows” and “The Lone Ranger” he now has a whole arsenal of bombs.

A report says Donald Trump’s aides are worried about his recent anger, stress and weight gain. The good news is for someone like Trump who ran on a populist platform, all of those will make him seem more like every other average American.

A 74 year old New York doctor has been arrested for writing prescriptions for 4 Million opioid pills. The only question is why Tiger Woods didn’t just find a doctor closer to his home in Florida who would do the same thing?

A report says the opioid epidemic has gotten so bad, even librarians are being trained to treat overdoses. Mostly because all they need to do to get the information is walk over to the reference section.

A report says the opioid epidemic has gotten so bad, even librarians are being trained to treat overdoses. Mostly because they don’t mind as it is a nice change from dealing with the usual library regular vagrants, homeless and perverts.

A California man has visited Disneyland 2,000 days in a row. He is hoping that if he comes back enough times, there will eventually be a line short enough so that he can actually finally get to ride the Matterhorn.

The Philippines freighter that hit a U.S. destroyer off the coast of Japan was reportedly on autopilot. Apparently someone must have forgotten to take it off of the “collision” mode.

The Philippines freighter that hit a U.S. destroyer off the coast of Japan was reportedly on autopilot. Apparently they had installed an autopilot device taken from a vehicle made by Tesla.

A report says more people are using smart drugs to gain an edge over their competition. But just because they are called “smart” drugs doesn’t mean they will make anyone less dumb, as has been evidenced by the work of the smartphone.

A study says holding hands with a loved one does help reduce their pain. At least as long as their other hand is free to still be able to get into their stash of opioids.

Rand Paul says health insurance should cost no more than $1 a day. To which the insurance companies are good with that plan as long as they can make for $500 copays and $20,000 deductibles.

Rand Paul says health insurance should cost no more than $1 a day. Which comes as an interesting demand from someone supporting a military that just dumped $15 Billion into an aircraft carrier that may already be obsolete.

Arnold Schwarzenegger met with French President Macron to discuss climate change. Apparently Schwarzenegger’s message is if Parisians’ body odor is already unbearable, think what would happen if the planet warms another couple of degrees.

“Wonder Woman” has passed “Mamma Mia!” as the highest grossing film ever with a woman director. Not to say “Mamma Mia!” wasn’t a hit, but that record was exceeded when the box office sold its third, fourth and fifth tickets.

A survey says the cost of health care is Americans’ top financial concern. The good news is that when the Republicans pass their health care bill that will only be an issue for the three people who still have insurance.

A survey says the cost of health care is Americans’ top financial concern. At least other than their job, taxes, utilities, food, rent…

Honda is denying claims by lawyers that they covered up knowing Takata air bags were faulty 20 years ago. Their claim is there would have never been a problem if the bags held half as much air as personal injury attorneys.

A study says the average wedding guest last year spent $888 on each ceremony. Which makes you wonder if there should be some sort of refund in place for when the marriage breaks up after less than a year.

A study says the average wedding guest last year spent $888 on each ceremony. Although that amount is skewed by the expenses of anyone in the wedding party who ends up knocking up the bridesmaid.

An analysis says McDonald’s plans for kiosks for ordering along with workers who deliver food to tables will boost sales. Mostly from people who are so impressed with the changes they won’t notice they are still getting the wrong order.

An analysis says McDonald’s plans for kiosks for ordering along with workers who deliver food to tables will boost sales. It could even class up the restaurants to the point where customers may actually show up wearing clean T-shirts.

An analysis says stores are closing now at triple the rate of last year, with 5,300 shut down through June. People were surprised. Mostly at the fact that so many stores are closing while there are still Sears and Kmarts that are still open.

The U.N. says the world population will reach 9.8 Billion by 2050. Which means that Kevin Federline must be single again.

The U.N. says the world population will reach 9.8 Billion by 2050. The good news is that once the total reaches 10 Billion, there could finally be an increase in business for the Wyoming Realtors’ Association.

A study says that wallpaper may breed toxins that contribute to “sick building syndrome.” Mostly by making homeowners ill when they realize having wallpaper means their home hasn’t been updated since 1974.

Major medical groups are calling for rejection of the Senate health care bill. To which most Senators are saying they appreciate the input but need to listen more to the advice from the real experts when it comes to legislation. The lobbyists.

An Alabama high school teacher caused controversy after assigning a conservative book reading list. People were shocked. Alabama high school students can read?

An Alabama high school teacher caused controversy after assigning a conservative book reading list. Mostly because of the Alabama doctrine of “If it ain’t red, it ain’t gonna be read.”

An Alabama high school teacher caused controversy after assigning a conservative book reading list. To which most people in Alabama are saying “What else is there?”

A report says fewer U.S. teens and young adults are taking part in frat-party style binge drinking. Mostly because it isn’t the drinking that scares them as much as what can happen these days to anyone associated with a fraternity.

A report says fewer U.S. teens and young adults are taking part in frat-party style binge drinking. Mostly because it’s so much harder to get a fake ID past the liquor store clerk than score some pot, opioids or heroin.

A study says forgetting things is not only normal, it can make people smarter. Except when we keep forgetting what is going on in Washington, D.C. and keep electing the same people over and over.

A study says forgetting things is not only normal, it can make people smarter. Although the only men who have gotten smart are the ones who realize their wives will never forget anything their husbands have ever done wrong.

A study says smartphones may be causing carpal tunnel syndrome. Mostly from the stress on their wrists while using one set of muscles to text and another completely different set of muscles at the same time to turn the steering wheel.

A study says smartphones may be causing carpal tunnel syndrome. Which isn’t as bad as how staring at a computer screen all day can result in poor eyesight, loneliness and a slew of STDs.

Stephen Colbert has taken his “Late Show” to Russia to shoot material for future shows. But mostly to get some early poll numbers to see whom the hackers there like in the 2018 elections.

Matt Lauer and Al Roker admit they didn’t like each other when they started working together. It turns out Roker is the one who suggested they start doing “Where in the World is Matt Lauer” on a daily basis.

Snoop Dogg is set to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Although the committee was apparently not really sure who he was and because of the name made sure to put the star’s location near a Hollywood Boulevard fire hydrant.

Snoop Dogg is set to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The committee took his contributions into consideration and are considering placing the star near a pizzeria, cookie store or donut shop.

Billy Joel will give a graduation speech at his high school where he ended up one English class short of getting his own diploma. Although it’s also no secret he also never attended any classes in driver’s education.

John McEnroe says the New York Knicks are a “total train wreck.” The team has been criticized for years, but it’s tough to not realize there is a real problem when even John McEnroe feels you have some issues.

John McEnroe says the New York Knicks are a “total train wreck.” In other words, Amtrak is to Penn Station what the Knicks are to Madison Square Gardens.

The Baltimore Orioles broke a 93 year old record in allowing 5 or more runs in 20 straight games. Ironically, they could have let in fewer runs with a 93 year old in their bullpen.

Magic Johnson says Lonzo Ball will be the “new face of the Lakers.” Which is fine as long as that face doesn’t have the mouth of his dad, LaVar.

Magic Johnson says he expects the Lakers to one day retire the jersey of Lonzo ball. Which sounds more like LaVar Ball who was already a little premature in predicting an NCAA Title, billion dollar shoe deal and NBA Championship.

Derek Jeter says he doesn’t have the $1.3 Billion needed to buy the Miami Marlins. Although with New York real estate prices going crazy all he probably needs to do to come up with the cash is co-op his apartment for a couple of months.

Sheryl Sandberg says Facebook is being used for “good and evil.” But mostly as a way for a billion people around the world to waste several hours of their lives every day.

Sheryl Sandberg says Facebook is being used for “good and evil.” Or for Mark Zuckerberg as a way to come up with a quick $60 Billion.

A jet powered mobility scooter that can go 70 miles an hour was tested in England. It would have tremendous consequences in the U.S., the most important letting Wal-Mart customers finish their week’s shopping in under three minutes.

A 23 year old man is planning to cross the United States using a smartphone and social media. Remember when it was just as safe, fast and cheap to do the same thing using only your thumb?

A new app allows people to find a date online who looks like the celebrity they fantasize over. Although anyone who really looks like Kate Upton isn’t going to be wasting their time with the losers on Tinder in the first place.

Macaulay Culkin is set to star in his first movie in 10 years. Ironically, he has spent the past nine years Home Alone.

The U.S. is now ranked as a “second tier” nation when it comes to well-being. Which may sound bad but is still better than economically where we are pretty much just on the edge of falling into Third World territory.

John McEnroe in his new book claims that Andy Warhol ruined his sex life. Well, if that’s the case maybe McEnroe shouldn’t have had sex with him.

John McEnroe in his new book claims that Andy Warhol ruined his sex life. Or, it could have been the fact that despite money and fame, many women still draw the line at not being attracted to men with the emotional maturity of a three year old.

John McEnroe in his new book claims that Andy Warhol ruined his sex life. Or maybe it was the fact he could never make Maria Sharapova scream as loud in the bedroom as she does while hitting a cross court forehand.

Prince Harry says while in his 20s he was struggling with his identity and didn’t want to grow up. Then in his 30s he realized that never growing up is the whole point of being a fabulously wealthy and famous Royal.

A 9 year old California boy has been given a football scholarship at the University of Nevada. Although it wasn’t that big of a deal since passing third grade math already qualified him for a full-ride academic scholarship at UNLV.

Researchers at the University of Illinois say that sex doesn’t really work as a selling point. Mostly because if it did, no one would ever enroll at the University of Illinois.

Researchers at the University of Illinois say that sex doesn’t really work as a selling point. Which proves the Kardashians are popular because of their talent, intelligence and sincerity.

Hawaii has been chosen as the worst state in which to make a living. The other 49 states are all tied for second.

Hawaii has been chosen as the worst state in which to make a living. To which the people there say they would rather be poor in Hawaii than rich in Alabama.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks again for checking in with the blog and my daily contribution to the world of humor. Which literally amounts to my two cents worth. But at least that is two cents you save by not having to pay for it, so that is really some kind of deal. I don’t mind not making any money on the site. Although it is a little irritating to see people like Larry the Cable Guy making a good living with the material he is selling off as comedy. That’s just the way things go. I always get my reward when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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