Friday, June 23, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

George Clooney has cashed out in selling his own brand of tequila he started just four years ago for $233 Million. When is this guy ever going to get a break?

Los Angeles may soon dedicate a street called Obama Boulevard. To commemorate his relationship with Congress, it will be a road already in an area plagued by gridlock.

Bill Cosby, after his mistrial says he will start a motivational speaking tour. And what better role model could there be than a 79 year old man who just escaped by a hung jury going to prison for date rape?

Conservative commentator Hugh Hewitt will have his own show on MSNBC on Saturday mornings. Apparently the idea is to put him in a time slot where he can compete against the other networks that also reserve that time for cartoons.

A study says the accident rate is higher in states where marijuana is legal. Mostly from all the sudden turns from the wrong lane into the parking lots at pizzerias.

A study says the accident rate is higher in states where marijuana is legal. The good news is that none of the accidents are ever at a speed faster than 15 miles an hour.

A bikini contest competitor in Florida was arrested after hitting another entrant in the head with her high-heeled shoe. What’s worse is that the woman brought the shoes because she wanted to be thought of as well heeled.

A study says there is a connection between drinking black coffee and sadistic, psychopathic tendencies. Apparently the people like to model their behavior after their coffee. Bitter.

A study says there is a connection between drinking black coffee and sadistic, psychopathic tendencies. On top of that, anyone who goes to Starbucks and pays a premium price for plain coffee can also be described as masochistic.

A study says there is a connection between drinking black coffee and sadistic, psychopathic tendencies. Which is completely the opposite of the girlie tendencies of anyone who instead orders an extra foamy caramel macchiato espresso.

The Census Bureau says the U.S. population is growing older and more diverse. As opposed to Congress, Wall Street and Vermont where the people are getting older but are still as white as ever.

The Census Bureau says the U.S. population is growing older and more diverse. But no matter the age or race of Americans, the one thing we will always have in common is the drive to eventually become morbidly obese.

North Korea is calling Donald Trump a psychopath who wants to start a war to divert attention from his own tough situation. Apparently it turns out that “Kim Jong-un” is actually the Korean word for “Pelosi.”

North Korea is calling Donald Trump a psychopath who wants to start a war to divert attention from his own tough situation. To which China, Russia and Mexico are saying “You took the words right out of our mouth.”

A Canadian sniper set a record by taking out an ISIS terrorist with a kill shot from more than two miles away. Not only that, he was so good he did it while shooting with his rifle over his shoulder backwards using a mirror.

Donald Trump says he doesn’t want a “poor person” running the economy. Instead he wants to leave it to a rich person who will come up with policies to make everyone else poor.

A study says each new industrial robot displaces six human workers. Especially the robots that can be programmed to clean the Slurpee machine and also restock the Slim Jim rack.

United Airlines will start serving Uno’s pizza on flights that are longer than 3 ½ hours. The good news is that on most United flights that means the pizzas will be delivered while the plane is still on the tarmac.

United Airlines will start serving Uno’s pizza on flights that are longer than 3 ½ hours. The idea is that passengers who are full after eating pizza will tend to be less combative while being dragged off the plane.

Facebook’s new vision for the next decade is to give users the “power to build community and bring the world closer together.” That’s a leap from its current role of providing a way to look at cat videos and see what people are eating for lunch.

American Airlines is searching for a new uniform supplier after complaints the current ones caused allergic reactions. Especially the male flight attendants who break out into hives just thinking out being seen in polyester and rayon.

A survey says 75% of Americans say incivility is at crisis levels. The other 25% are telling everyone else to just shut their mouth.

A new eye tracking device could help to diagnose athletes’ concussions on the spot. Mostly by seeing how their eyes are moving while they are looking at the stars they see spinning around in their head.

Dozens of people were arrested at the U.S. Capitol protesting the new Republican health care bill. The sad part is that in this country it is much more affordable to pay for bail and a lawyer than it is to get health insurance.

A study says people with the widest range of positive emotions are healthier. The only problem is most Americans are only excited, amused and cheerful while they are sitting on the couch watching cat videos going through a gallon of Haagen Dazs.

The CDC says fewer U.S. teens are having sex. Mostly because the typical teen no longer has a car, can’t find work so has no money and because of their smartphone can’t even hold a simple conversation with another human.

The CDC says fewer U.S. teens are having sex. Because of smartphones, people can’t even hold a simple conversation anymore which means that the only way the human race will be able to procreate to survive is because of Tinder.

Prince Philip has been released from the hospital after being admitted as a “precautionary measure.” Mostly because when you are 96 even a hiccup warrants a precautionary measure.

Prince Harry says no one in the Royal Family wants to be king or queen. To which Prince Charles said “Hey, I’m right over here.”

Prince Harry says no one in the Royal Family wants to be king or queen. Apparently after doing all the hard work it takes to become a prince or princess, it would be tough to take on even more responsibility and stress.

Prince Harry says no one in the Royal Family wants to be king or queen. Apparently they are worried about the possible injuries that come with the job like bursitis from constantly waving to the crowds during parades.

Prince Harry says no one in the Royal Family wants to be king or queen. To which William, Kate, George and Charlotte are saying “Speak for yourself!”

A study says the Cowboys top the Patriots for having the best NFL fans. Although it’s easy to root for a winner. The real prize goes to Cleveland fans who still show up on cold winter Sundays to watch a team through an entire season where they go 1-15.

A study says the Cowboys top the Patriots for having the best NFL fans. It would have been the Raiders but they lost points when it comes to beating up fans who wear the opposing teams’ jerseys to games.

Donald Trump was filmed driving a golf cart across the green at one of his New Jersey golf courses. Which finally explains why the Secret Service never lets the President get behind the wheel.

A jersey “possibly” worn by Michael Jordan was sold at auction for $273,000. That’s a lot of money for “possibly.” Mostly because if it turns out to be “not” its value drops to around $12.50.

A report says the Knicks are seeking a “massive” price for center Kristaps Porzingis. Which is not to be confused with the only person who can command even more money who is known for being on TV and saying “Bazinga.”

An report says 250 Million children around the world can’t read, write or do basic math. To which the people of Alabama gave a sigh of relief and said “Whew! We thought it was just us.”

Uber workers have started a petition to bring back CEO Travis Kalanick. Most of Silicon Valley thought his job was safe, but apparently the only CEOs who have total job security are the ones who start a worldwide economic crash.

Airbnb is planning to launch a premium tier to compete with hotels. Which sort of defeats the whole point of Airbnb as a place people want to stay because it’s cheap and not a hotel.

China has banned video streaming on several websites. Mostly because it turns out people who search for cat videos and pictures of what other people are eating for lunch end up watching the same thing.

Lyft is telling its workers not to “gloat” over the recent crises at Uber. Which isn’t that big of a request as it is pretty hard to gloat to anyone that your job is driving for Lyft.

Scientists say the solar eclipse coming in August could cause a dramatic temperature drop during the event. Which will give the Trump Administration an opportunity to use the occasion to once again throw doubt on global warming.

Sega is bringing free classic video games like “Sonic the Hedgehog,” “Kid Chameleon” and “Altered Beast” to mobile devices. The problem is with Baby Boomers who remember the games from arcades and keep asking where to put the quarter.

Two Brits have been arrested for trying to hack Microsoft. Apparently the hackers wanted to break into Microsoft because they got hold of a RadioShack TRS-80 and thought it was still 1988.

Two Brits have been arrested for trying to hack Microsoft. Apparently they were just trying to be the first to break into the system and see if they could actually get a computer to boot up with Windows 10.

The U.S. Mint has revealed three proposed designs for the reverse side of the 50th anniversary coin commemorating the Apollo 11 Moon landing. The finalists include depictions of the astronauts, the spacecraft and the Hollywood production studio where the entire mission was filmed.

The U.S. Mint has revealed three proposed designs for the reverse side of the 50th anniversary coin commemorating the Apollo 11 Moon landing. A fourth entry was disqualified as it featured the likeness of Richard Pryor because the artist thought they meant the Apollo Theater.

Donald Trump is calling the Russian election hacking a “Big Dem Hoax.” As opposed to his own hoaxes of tax reform, the health care bill, a travel ban, voter fraud, the Wall…

A report says there is little movement in the White House probe of voter fraud. Mostly because the administration may need an excuse for any losses they may suffer in the 2018 election.

A report says a dozen House Democrats met to plot the ousting of Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. Which shows that even in this time of unprecedented political animosity, there is still something that can meet approval on both sides of the aisle.

AARP is warning Senators against supporting the Republican health care plan. Which could carry a lot of clout as anyone who votes against it could be looking at having their AARP senior discount card pulled.

Senator Lindsey Graham says there is a 50% chance the health care bill will pass. Which is a pretty safe statement considering every bill has a 50% chance of passing, being either a “yes” or a “no.”

A poll says 17% of Americans have a positive view of Jared Kushner. The other 83% were asking “Who is Jared Kushner?”

The Orlando International Airport has banned all marijuana, even for medical use. The decision was met by disapproval by airport businesses, who say the move could mean $3 Million in losses to the food court alone.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Not a great day for headlines, but I was still able to crank out a large number of jokes to hopefully bring a laugh or two for you. Which two laughs out of 50 jokes is about my usual daily percentage. It’s Friday, so time to take a couple of days off to relax and rest up for the next round of attempted humor on Monday. In the meantime, you can always make my weekend even nicer when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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