Thursday, June 22, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Yesterday was National Selfie Day. Or as the Kardashians call that, “Wednesday.”

Tennis great Boris Becker has declared bankruptcy. The sad part is that he has been invited back to Wimbledon this year to mow the courts.

Tennis great Boris Becker has declared bankruptcy. He has won six Grand Slam titles, which ironically he reminisces about when he can afford to have breakfast at Denny’s.

The Illinois Comptroller says the state “can no longer function.” The worst part is getting a sympathy card saying “thanks for making us look so good!” from Arkansas.

A dog meat festival in China that was threatened to be banned has decided to open after all. The event is otherwise known there as “lunch.”

A report says crowds at the Glastonbury music festival in the UK will be facing security lines and searches that could last hours. Or Brits could get the same experience just buying a plane ticket into the U.S.

A poll says the number one thing most Americans want to do on summer vacation is nothing. Which defeats the whole purpose of time off since doing nothing for most is like never leaving the office.

A poll says the number one thing most Americans want to do on vacation is nothing. Which by the time they buy airline tickets and pay for a hotel room, “nothing” is about all they can do with the money they have left.

Alibaba CEO Jack Ma says in 30 years people will work 4 hours a day, 4 days a week. Which is really about what they do now if you take away the time at work they spend posting on Facebook, tweeting on Twitter and looking at Internet porn.

A study says olive oil can preserve people’s memory. Which doesn’t explain why Popeye didn’t call her the next morning.

Denmark has been named the best place to live on the planet. Mostly because people there are full of appreciation and happiness when the three days arrive each year where the temperature makes it to 70 degrees.

A report says adjustable rate mortgages are making a comeback. Apparently the banking industry feels that they can get away with something that caused the housing crash ten years ago because Americans can’t even remember how badly they screw things up every four years.

A report says adjustable rate mortgages are making a comeback. Even the banking industry realizes what they are doing as the logo for the loan program is Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown.

A study says breast implants may block tests showing heart attack symptoms in women. Which is different than the heart attack symptoms breast implants cause in men when they are size D or larger.

A study says opioids are given to 1 in 4 Medicaid patients. The other 3 are satisfied with being given morphine, methamphetamines or tranquilizers.

A study says opioids are given to 1 in 4 Medicaid patients. Which is fewer than the 3 in 4 patients with private insurance who need pain killers just for when they open their monthly premium statement.

A report says the murder rate has spiked in Mexico with May being the deadliest month in a decade. Even Chicago is telling the people there they need to relax a little.

The King of Saudi Arabia has reshuffled the line of succession, making his son the next in line to the throne. To which Donald Trump says “You can do that?”

Liquor makers are marketing alcohol brands as “experiences.” The only problem is that the experiences most people associate with alcohol are hangovers, waking up with a complete stranger and DUIs.

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick has resigned his position under pressure from investors. Now if he wants to verbally abuse one of the company’s drivers, he will have to pay for it like everyone else.

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick has resigned his position under pressure from investors. His next move is still a mystery but one clue to his plans is that he just bought himself a brand new Prius.

A survey says incivility is so intense in the U.S. that Americans feel safest when they are at work. Mostly because that is the place where they have always had the feeling of hating each other.

A study says that Americans take on an average debt of $1,100 with their yearly vacation. Which is ironic since the point of most vacations is to give people a chance to forget how deep they are in the red.

A study says that Americans take on an average debt of $1,100 with their yearly vacation. Which is even worse when they plan a trip to Las Vegas so they can have a chance at winning it all back.

A survey says Google Fiber is the best Internet service in the U.S. Although the results are being questioned as researchers got their data by googling it.

A survey says Google Fiber is the best Internet service in the U.S. Which means that if the survey participants were men, it was based on how many porn sites could be accessed the fastest.

J.D. Power has ranked Kia as the highest quality car for 2017. Apparently they won based on the fact that the car just seems to keep going with no problems no matter how hard you pedal.

J.D. Power has ranked Kia as the highest quality car for 2017 based on the fewest customer complaints. Apparently the car is dependable, durable and when it comes to problems most owners say “Eh. It’s a Kia.”

Home Depot and Menards are facing lawsuits over selling 4x4 lumber that is actually 3 ½ x 3 ½. Which is just so like men to be exaggerating the size of their wood.

A survey says 62% of Americans identify themselves as middle class, which is back to pre-recession levels. The other 38% of Americans are still saying “The recession ended?”

A survey says 62% of Americans identify themselves as middle class, which is back to pre-recession levels. Those people are actually now in the lower class but feel good that they are at least doing better than the other 38% who are flat broke.

A report says top health care groups were not consulted by Republicans for their health care bill. Mostly because the new health care plan will only be bringing in more business to funeral directors, morticians and grave diggers.

An EU court says vaccines can be blamed for illnesses even if there is no scientific evidence. But it helps if any plaintiffs bring along their Medicine Man, Shaman or Witch Doctor.

An EU court says vaccines can be blamed for illnesses even if there is no scientific evidence. The good news is if any of the judges retire, they have a standing job offer from Donald Trump to work for the EPA.

Experts say too much texting could cause wrist problems. Especially for the people who combine it with using touch screens, video games and constantly eating snack foods.

Experts say too much texting could cause wrist problems. Especially when combined with the force on their hands from holding too tightly to the steering wheel when they crash into a tree because they were texting while driving.

A study says older dads produce geeky sons. Although it helps them bond better when they both stand on the porch yelling at the other kids to get off their lawn.

A “Downton Abbey” movie is reportedly going into production next year. The biggest action scene is the flare up caused when an irate scowl is delivered at a soiree carouser who doesn’t properly raise their pinky at afternoon tea.

A report says contestants on “Bachelor in Paradise” must sign a contract saying the show is not responsible if they are injured, suffer emotional trauma or are filmed while naked. And that’s just what they can expect during the first episode.

A report says contestants on “Bachelor in Paradise” must sign a contract saying the show is not responsible if they are injured, suffer emotional trauma or are filmed while naked. Which are otherwise known as the show’s plot lines.

A couple from Ecuador claims they have lived on almost no food for nine years. Which caused almost as much shock around the world as the news that an Alabama couple went without a full meal for nearly three hours.

A couple from Ecuador claims they have lived on almost no food for nine years. The couple’s secret is simple, saying “Have you ever eaten at an Ecuadorian restaurant?”

A couple from Ecuador claims they have lived without eating food for nine years, saying they live on just air. Which is easy when they travel to Mexico City, Los Angeles and Beijing where the air is always “chewy and somewhat filling.”

Prince Philip was hospitalized for an illness caused by a “preexisting condition.” At age 96 in England, that could range from scurvy to smallpox to the Plague.

Prince Philip was hospitalized for an illness caused by a “preexisting condition.” Which at age 96 is pretty much called being 96.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have hired a surrogate to carry their third child. Apparently the couple wants another child but Kim Kardashian says why go to all that trouble when it’s so much easier to just outsource.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have hired a surrogate to carry their third child. Apparently Kim Kardashian just doesn’t have time to carry a third child while she is busy making sure she has enough nannies to take care of the other two.

Syracuse basketball coach Jim Boeheim says he doesn’t believe Rick Pitino knew about the escort scandal at Louisville while it was going on. And Joe Paterno just thought Jerry Sandusky had the kids in the showers to teach them proper hygiene.

Michael Vick’s father has been charged with dealing heroin and money laundering. Some dads will do whatever it takes to make their kids look better by comparison.

The Foo Fighters will release a new album In September called “Concrete and Gold.” Which sounds more like the name of a residency they are thinking about signing up for in Las Vegas.

A U.S. official says Russia “hacked” 21 states during last year’s election campaign. They didn’t need to mess with the other 29 figuring who needs to interfere with an election when there are millions of uninformed voters who can do it for you?

A survey says 60% of Americans prefer to watch TV and movies in bed rather than on the couch. Mostly because the couch is reserved for the other activities of the day like playing video games, meals and napping.

Etsy is planning to cut 15% of its workforce. Which is sad news for the workers who will find it tough going to get new jobs knitting booties, making artificial flowers and engraving personal wood picture frames.

Etsy is planning to cut 15% of its workforce. Mostly the people who just don’t have the patience to sit through a 45 minute phone session with an 80 year old trying to order a silver knot bracelet.

A study says how people move a computer mouse while answering questions can reveal if they are lying. Especially when they are using the mouse to help complete their dating profile on Tinder.

Donald Trump admits he is not making it easy to get support from Democrats. That’s true, but looking at his popularity numbers it’s not any easier getting support from the Republicans, Independents, Libertarians, Progressives, Socialists, Whigs…

Donald Trump says that immigrants should be banned from getting welfare for five years after they enter the country. After they reach that point he feels the ban should then become permanent.

Donald Trump says that immigrants should be banned from getting welfare for five years after they enter the country. He feels why should we give our money to people from outside the country when his policies are making it so necessary for Americans right here at home to need public assistance.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the first full day of the summer season. Which is not a big deal since the season actually now starts in mid-March and goes through November because of global warming. I love the warm weather, but nothing is as good when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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