Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Amazon is launching its own fashion service allowing people to try clothes for a week before buying. How can they go wrong by combining the clothing style of Wal-Mart along with all the glamour of a Home Depot?

Amazon is launching a “try before you buy” clothing line where people can wear items for a week before deciding to buy. Which will be nice to have a closet full of clothes worn out by the hundreds of perfect strangers who already sent them back.

The special congressional election in Georgia was the most expensive House race in history at more than $50 Million. Even the top lobbyists in the country were shocked at the price, knowing they can buy any representative for a fraction of that.

Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner says the state is becoming a “banana republic.” To which Donald Trump says if everything goes right, the other 49 should also be there in a matter of months.

Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner says the state is in a financial crisis and not even the lottery is safe. Which is sad as the state legislature’s plan to become solvent again is based on winning the Powerball jackpot the next three weeks in a row.

Boeing is reportedly working on self-flying planes. Which would be great for United Airlines as it would free up the pilots to help airport police officers when they drag passengers off any planes.

The studio behind “Bachelor in Paradise” has concluded there was no sexual misconduct on the set. Mostly because everyone involved with the show has no idea what sexual misconduct is in the first place.

The studio behind “Bachelor in Paradise” has concluded there was no sexual misconduct on the set. Mostly because anything that was inappropriate will be justified anyway by all the publicity the show is getting.

The studio behind “Bachelor in Paradise” has concluded there was no sexual misconduct on the set. Which by Hollywood standards pretty much means everything is fine as long as nobody died.

A survey says 24% of all Americans don’t have a single dollar set aside for an emergency. The other 76% say they have exactly one dollar set aside in case of an emergency.

Thousands of people flocked to Stonehenge for the Summer Solstice on Wednesday. Mostly so they could take part in a celebration with others and enjoy the ten minutes of summer weather they get each year in England.

The U.S. is weighing a travel ban for North Korea following the death of an American student. Which could turn out to be a real inconvenience for Dennis Rodman and the other two people who even think it’s a good idea to go there.

Burglars got away with $30,000 in gems from a museum in New Jersey, leaving behind damage and bloodstains. Which now gives a whole new meaning to the term “blood diamonds.”

A report says a record number of people around the world were displaced from their homes in 2016. No one had any idea that other countries were picking up on the idea of using subprime loans.

The government in India is being criticized for telling pregnant women to avoid meat, eggs and lusty thoughts. The first two were confusing but they might be a little bit late when it comes to the lusty thoughts.

Burger King is serving Lucky Charms milkshakes made with ice cream, syrup, marshmallows and Lucky Charms cereal. The shake may bring the customer luck, but it is also a good idea to not take chances and make sure to be sitting by the nearest defibrillator.

Burger King is serving Lucky Charms milkshakes made with ice cream, syrup, marshmallows and Lucky Charms cereal. The worst part is the shake is healthier than just eating a bowl of Lucky Charms.

The Uber app now accepts tips. However, insulting, arguing with and beating the drivers must still be done by customers in person.

A 79 year old New Jersey doctor has been sentenced to three years in prison for his role in a $200 Million fraud scheme. Ironically, he would have been fine if he would have just accepted older patients and become part of the $595 Billion fraud scheme called Medicare.

House Speaker Paul Ryan vows a once-in-a-generation makeover of the tax code. Mostly because the Republican economic plan will make it so the next several generations will not have an income to pay taxes on.

Qatar Airlines has been picked by Skytrax as the best airline in the world. Apparently business travelers were very satisfied with the schedule, fares and being served inflight by 72 virgins.

Qatar Airlines has been picked by Skytrax as the best airline in the world. Especially for the people who love using the airline because it takes them out of Qatar.

Qatar Airlines has been picked by Skytrax as the best airline in the world. Although most travelers are not as picky, citing the best airline as any one that gets them where they are going that isn’t United.

Phil Mickelson and his caddy Jim “Bones” Mackay have parted ways after 25 years. Apparently Mickelson found out his caddy’s nickname came from having too many skeletons in the closet.

Phil Mickelson and his caddy Jim “Bones” Mackay have parted ways after 25 years. Mostly because the last thing someone with psoriatic arthritis wants to keep having to say all day is the word “Bones.”

Phil Mickelson and his caddy Jim “Bones” Mackay have parted ways after 25 years. The worst part is that if Mackay picks up a right handed golfer he will have to completely relearn calling a left to right shot a “fade” and right to left a “draw.”

Phil Mickelson and his caddy Jim “Bones” Mackay have parted ways after 25 years. Apparently Mickelson caught Mackay with a set of right handed clubs and accused him of cheating on him.

A report says L.A. County has the most clean energy jobs in California. Which make clean energy products which are apparently used just about everywhere but Los Angeles.

Human resources software startup Zenefits has been hit with a $3.4 Million bill for failing to pay overtime to its workers. Which can’t be good for business for an HR company that has an HR department that doesn’t understand HR.

A study says Facebook and Twitter bots are influencing politics. Mostly because even malware bots are more trustworthy anymore than politicians or journalists.

Lawmakers in Vermont will try again to pass a measure legalizing marijuana. Mostly just to give people there a reason to want to stay in Vermont.

Several colleges are awarding e-sports scholarships for kids who excel in video games. It used to be assumed that a 350 pound student athlete was a football lineman instead of getting that way from sitting on a couch with a PlayStation 4 console and a bag of Doritos.

Barclay’s former CEO has been charged with fraud over a rescue deal made with Qatar during the 2008 economic meltdown. He should have made his fraudulent deals instead in the U.S. where everyone else so far has gotten away with it.

A Pennsylvania hospital has a fresh food pharmacy that prescribes food instead of pills. Which is ironic as most the people in the hospital got there because of their morbid obesity.

Sean Spicer says Donald Trump wants a health care bill “with heart.” Unfortunately, while the plan will have heart, it doesn’t cover the lungs, kidneys, liver, spleen or digestive tract.

Senate Democrats are trying to gum up the works over the Republican health care bill. And if anyone can gum up health care, it’s the party that was able to pass Obamacare.

Daniel Day-Lewis is reportedly going to retire from acting. How messed up is Hollywood when we lose a three time Oscar winner but still have Tom Cruise making yet another remake of “The Mummy”?

Demi Lovato says if she could do it all over again, she wouldn’t have started acting at 8 years old. If only she had heard that advice from the 750 other screwed up child stars who have been saying that since 1937.

Mattel’s Ken has gotten a makeover that includes options like a man bun along with different skin tones and body types. In other words, they have removed any doubts that people still may have had about the doll’s sexual orientation.

Umpire Joe West has worked his 5,000th career game. Not to say he has been around a while, but when he started behind the plate Jamie Moyer was still middle aged.

Umpire Joe West has worked his 5,000th career game. To mark the milestone, the Hall of Fame has already asked for his white cane and sunglasses.

A report says 5 Billion people worldwide use mobile devices. Which at least is good news in that there are still 2 Billion people left on the planet who actually know how to talk face to face with another person.

Netflix is launching interactive TV shows that allow kids to determine the on-screen action. Which is good news in that our kids will finally get some kind of physical activity pushing another kind of button besides the ones on the remote.

A Google study says Virtual Reality viewers barely turn their heads to view the full 360 degree experience. Apparently that is just too much work for people who are asking if there is a way to make a couch that can rotate all the way around.

Experts in machine learning say it will be 120 years before all human jobs are automated. Which works out fine as it will take another 120 years before most workers today will have enough saved up to give up their job and retire.

Apple is offering Apple Camp at Apple Stores. Apparently it allows children to use Virtual Reality to see what it used to be like when kids went to real camps that actually had trees, lakes and blue skies.

Chris Christie on his 15% approval rating as New Jersey Governor says “I don’t care.” Which may be the reason why his approval ratings are down to 15%.

Chris Christie on his 15% approval rating as New Jersey Governor says “I don’t care.” Mostly because the way things are going, in another year they will look good compared to those of Donald Trump.

Chris Christie on his 15% approval rating as New Jersey Governor says “I don’t care.” Mostly because anyone who can make 15% of the people of New Jersey think things are good has to be doing something right.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has hired his own private lawyer over the investigations of collusion with Russia. How bad is it with this administration when even the nation’s top attorney has to lawyer up?

A poll says 7 out of 10 Americans trust the U.S. government to protect against terrorists. The other three are worried about who is going to protect us against the U.S. government?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another day of hilarity and hijinks. As opposed to my usual lowjinks. I just want to say I love to get feedback from you and don’t always get the chance to read your comments. Feel free to e-mail me with any comments, complaints and compliments. Except complaints. Send them to jimbarach@hotmail.com and I will make sure to read them and reply. Always good to hear from you readers whom I am trying to entertain. Or at least keep busy for a few minutes. It’s good to know what you are thinking about what I do. My biggest reward, though is still when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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