Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

An airline in India is giving lifetime flights to a baby born inflight. The same flight also had births resulting in the same offer for a goat, donkey and two chickens.

 An airline in India is giving lifetime flights to a baby born inflight. The same offer has been given on flights on United Airlines, the difference being by the time the flight reaches its destination the child is a teenager.

A Starbucks customer in Chicago stabbed another over an argument about a wrong order. Witnesses say when the customer did the stabbing he yelled out “Et tu, latte!”

The NFL has settled a charity lawsuit to keep Commissioner Roger Goodell from testifying about the league’s gambling policy. What gambling policy? They run the Super Bowl where people bet on the length of the National Anthem, wardrobe malfunctions and missed extra points.

The NFL has settled a charity lawsuit to keep Commissioner Roger Goodell from testifying about the league’s gambling policy. Which is to keep Las Vegas solvent through the winter months with the $4.7 Billion bet every year on the Super Bowl.

The NFL has settled a charity lawsuit to keep Commissioner Roger Goodell from testifying about the league’s gambling policy. Which for now is betting that someone signing an NFL contract today will be able to recognize that name in ten years.

The NFL has settled a charity lawsuit to keep Commissioner Roger Goodell from testifying about the league’s gambling policy. Which for now is whether an individual player will be arrested for domestic violence, drug abuse or DUI.

The GOP is reportedly considering cancelling the August recess to try and salvage their agenda. That and they would actually rather be working in Washington, D.C. than have to go back and face any more constituents at a town hall meeting.

The GOP is reportedly considering cancelling the August recess to try and salvage their agenda. They will just have to do with their time off with the recesses in September, October, November, December…

A Colorado group wants to ban the sale of smartphones to kids under 13. Some parents think it’s a good idea, although they will miss the ability to ever communicate with their children from ages 6 to 12.

Uber drivers in Miami are being fined for not speaking English. To which the people of Miami are asking in every other language “What’s English?”

Uber drivers in Miami are being fined for not speaking English. Which is an interesting policy for a company that’s name is a word in German.

A report says driverless cars may eventually become a living room on wheels. Which for many people has already been the case since they lost their jobs in 2008.

The Supreme Court has struck down a North Carolina law banning sex offenders from using social media. Which is finally some good news for the people at Myspace.

An Illinois man riding his bike across the country for charity has been hit by a car. The good news is nothing has changed, only the charity is now his medical bills.

Conservative talker Tomi Lahren says being conservative is tougher than being a woman. To which Caitlyn Jenner says “Tell me about it!”

A NASA expert says accidental deaths are on the rise. Mostly since NASA started launching people back into space again.

A NASA expert says accidental deaths are on the rise, blaming people’s lack of focus. Which is no coincidence the accidental death rate has risen since 1992, the same year of the invention of the smartphone.

John McCain has slammed Donald Trump for having no strategy in Afghanistan. To which Trump’s people are saying they are just staying the course set by the Bush Administration there in 2001.

Newt Gingrich says Donald Trump told him he thought running for President would cost as much as buying a new yacht. The only problem is, when he went shopping for a boat he ended up buying the Titanic.

The FTC says it wants to block the merger of fantasy sports sites FanDuel and DraftKings. How lazy have we gotten that a real trade between the Patriots and Cowboys takes a back seat to two pretend sports leagues?

A study says New York City will have between 20 and 50 days of deadly heat by 2100. That will send a real wake-up message to the people who think the inside of a taxi smells bad on a hot July day now.

A study says New York City will have between 20 and 50 days of deadly heat by 2100. Which means in another few years the only performer annoying passersby in Manhattan during the summer will be the Naked Cowboy.

A survey says Americans are optimistic about the economy but not Donald Trump. Although they know that given enough time, one will eventually take down the other.

Seattle has voted for a 1.75 cent an ounce tax on sodas to help the poor. Who won’t benefit from the deal because all they want is to have enough money to be able to afford to buy a Coke once in awhile.

Airbag maker Takata is reportedly headed towards filing for bankruptcy. It’s so bad there they even got a sympathy card from Tom Brady for making everyone else forget about his issues with deflation.

The movie “A Dog’s Purpose” has become a huge hit in China. Mostly because it was marketed to the people there as an exciting new cooking show.

Donald Trump will reportedly tighten but not end travel to Cuba. The problem is that all travel allowed will be from the U.S. to Cuba but not back.

A Pennsylvania man was awarded $870,000 by a jury after doctors removed the wrong testicle. To which the legal team for the hospital said “Nuts!”

A Pennsylvania man was awarded $870,000 by a jury after doctors removed the wrong testicle. The defense team thought it would never go to trial, saying the patient just didn’t have the balls to sue.

A Pennsylvania man was awarded $870,000 by a jury after doctors removed the wrong testicle. The worst part was after the patient was given the news and the doctors had to remove the other testicle from his throat.

The Democrats say they are planning to slow the Republicans’ secretive work on the health care bill. People were surprised at the news. Is it even possible for Congress to move even slower?

A study says drones carrying defibrillators can arrive to help heart attack victims faster than ambulances. Which is ironic for the people who are having a heart attack because of all the drone-delivered pizzas they eat every night.

A lawsuit says inmates in Tennessee were threatened with solitary confinement if they talked about a scabies outbreak. The inmates were just excited anytime someone is able to break out.

A lawsuit says inmates in Tennessee were threatened with solitary confinement if they talked about a scabies outbreak. Which most inmates were good with as solitary takes away the chance of getting shivved while in the general population.

A lawsuit says inmates in Tennessee were threatened with solitary confinement if they talked about a scabies outbreak. The good news is they could still talk about the beatings, stabbings and murders taking place inside the walls all they want.

Researchers have started “The Human Project” which seeks 10,000 people to share personal data of their health, finances and more. Or they could just do the same thing by signing up for a credit card with Target.

A report says New Hampshire is the best state to raise a child, followed by Massachusetts, Vermont, and Minnesota. Mostly because kids are always hugged there, not out of love but from people trying to steal their body warmth.

A report says New Hampshire is the best state to raise a child, followed by Massachusetts, Vermont, and Minnesota. Or any other state that isn’t Mississippi, Alabama or Louisiana.

A study says putting indulgent words like “dynamite,” “rich” or “tangy” in front of vegetable names make it more likely they will be eaten. Although it is a guarantee they will be consumed when the words chosen are “fat,” “sugar” or “salt.”

A new book marks the tenth anniversary of the iPhone, how it was built and how it has changed life. Ironically, the biggest change the author will notice is that thanks to the iPhone people no longer read books.

A Hollywood industry veteran in an interview tells conservatives to “be a Democrat in public.” In other words, act like Joe Lieberman.

A Hollywood industry veteran in an interview tells conservatives to “be a Democrat in public.” The only problem is that is impossible for many stars who find that to do that they will actually need to learn how to act.

A TLC special features Amy Duggar and her husband Dillon King with the secrets of how they have been married one year. Although the only people who really need tips on staying married a year are Britney Spears, Drew Barrymore and Kim Kardashian.

A TLC special features Amy Duggar and her husband Dillon King with the secrets of how they have been married one year. Apparently they just gutted it out and did whatever it takes to make it through a whole 12 months.

A TLC special features Amy Duggar and her husband Dillon King with the secrets of how they have been married one year. Apparently the secret according to Amy Duggar is to not marry a complete douche bag like her brother Josh.

Tiger Woods says he is getting “professional help” on managing his meds. Forget that, how about putting the number for Uber in his phone directory?

Tiger Woods says he is getting “professional help” on managing his meds. Hopefully it will be someone other than the person who was in charge of managing his girlfriends back when he was still married.

Jerry West says he is going back to Los Angeles because “he wants to win.” How bad have things gotten when just five years ago if the all-time Laker great had said that it would have been assumed he meant the Lakers and not the Clippers?

Redskins owner Daniel Snyder says he is “Thrilled!” over the Supreme Court ruling saying trademarks are protected by free speech. He says he hasn’t been this happy about a Supreme Court case since their decision about that Dred Scott guy.

120 degree heat in Phoenix led to several cancelled airline flights. Apparently it was so hot, the gate guards at United were afraid of getting blisters on their feet while dragging passengers across the tarmac.

The federal government explained why it is only suing Lance Armstrong over doping violations. Apparently it had to do with Armstrong’s net worth of $100 Million versus the combined assets of all other bicyclists of $47.98.

Donald Trump told tech industry leaders that the federal government has to catch up to the industry. Which is no surprise coming from the man who just now ordered government workers to stop preparations for Y2K.

Sprint and Verizon customers experienced Internet and phone outages on Monday. Apparently it was just a promotional event to get people to switch over by seeing what it would be like to sign up with AT&T.

198 Million Americans were hit with the “biggest ever” voter records leak. People were shocked at the news. There are actually 198 Million Americans who could figure out how to register to vote?

198 Million Americans were hit with the “biggest ever” voter records leak. Although it was really only 193 Million if you take into consideration Donald Trump’s claim there are 5 Million fraudulent voters out there.

The Chief Technology Officer for Woolworths is leaving to go to a health care company. Apparently there just wasn’t enough of a challenge considering the most advanced technology at Woolworths is a cash register.

The Chief Technology Officer for Woolworths is leaving to go to a health care company. Which is ironic because if Woolworths were taken to a hospital, it would be pretty much be considered DOA.

A Swiss supercomputer has knocked the top U.S. computer out of the top three for only the second time in 24 years. The Swiss designed the system to figure out why in the past 800 years they have never been able to make anything other than cheese, chocolate and wristwatches.

A poll says Americans feel U.S. political debate is becoming increasingly uncivil. Which is no surprise since they elected their president based on which person during the political debates was the most uncivil on stage.

A poll says most Americans still like George W. Bush and President Obama. Which doesn’t say much for Donald Trump when the people are longing to go back to the good old days of Afghanistan, Iraq and the economic crash.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sad news from the entertainment world. Comedian Bill Dana has died at age 92 and Steven Furst has passed away at 63. Both were known better as characters, Dana the iconic Jose Jimenez and Furst as Flounder from “Animal House." Bill Dana was not just a comedian but also a writer who wrote the famous “All in the Family” episode where Sammy Davis, Jr. kisses Archie Bunker. He played a Hispanic astronaut in a skit with the great line of when being asked if that was his crash helmet saying “I hope not!” Furst was not as well known but will always be remembered for his role in the aforementioned “Animal House.” He was the subject of one of the greatest lines from any movie when Dean Wormer tells him “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” Both will be missed. It is always sad to lose people who made so many people laugh. Think about them when you take the time today to remember as usual to always send the love!



1 comment:

benson said...

I loved a story from Bill Dana's AP obit yesterday.

(Dana) was asked to share a favorite joke. From Dana:

“Steve Allen is questioning Jose Jimenez and says, ‘I understand you own a ranch.’

“‘Yes, the name of my ranch is the Bar Nine Circle Z Rocking O Flying W Lazy O Crazy Two Happy Seven Bar 17 Parallelogram Four Octagon Nine Trapezoid Six Ranch.’

“‘Well, do you have many cattle?’

“‘No. Not many survive the branding.’”