Friday, June 02, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The CEO of Intel says self-driving cars can double as security cameras. Although it would be more beneficial to put security cameras in cars with humans driving to catch the ones who are causing all the crashes while they are texting behind the wheel.

Experts say Artificial Intelligence will outperform humans at every task and take over all their jobs within 45 years. To which an AI program said "Actually it will be more like within 42 years."

The founder of the Discovery Channel is selling his Colorado ranch for $149 Million. The ranch gave him the idea for the Discovery Channel when he looked out the window and saw wild animals mating on his front lawn all day.

Wal-Mart is asking employees to drop off deliveries on their way home from work. The only problem will be for the workers to be able to carry the parcels on their bikes, the bus or in the car they have hitchhiked a ride with.

The U.S. has finished 114th on a list of the most peaceful nations. Mostly because the 113 countries ahead of us are not still involved in two wars they can't seem to finish.

The U.S. has finished 114th on a list of the most peaceful nations. There are 196 countries on the planet and it's hard to believe that other than North Korea and Russia there are any others that have a leader more ready to see the start of World War III.

A study says transfusions of young blood may protect against Alzheimer's Disease, heart disease and cancer. Although if you have taken a look at our young people, it looks like that blood better be coming from someone not older than 3.

Donald Trump has announced the U.S. is withdrawing from the Paris Climate Accord. Ironically, it came in a speech from the person who produces more hot air than all the nations that have signed the accord combined.

Studios are blaming reviews on Rotten Tomatoes for the poor box office start to summer. Although the movie reviews might not be so bad if the studios would actually give the critics some better movies to watch.

Studios are blaming reviews on Rotten Tomatoes for the poor box office start to summer. Studio executives are taking a page from Donald Trump and blaming the reviews on fake news from unnamed sources.

A United Airlines flight from L.A. to Singapore will become the longest flight in the world at 21 hours. It will be just a bit longer than their regularly scheduled flight from New York City to Boston that takes just over 19 hours.

The secretive Bilderberg Group is meeting in Virginia, made of power brokers from around the world. George W. Bush is missing this year's event as he was disappointed last time when he thought they said the meeting was at Build-A-Bear.

Chicago police are relieved to see a drop in homicides and shootings through May this year. The good news is that even the criminals are getting bored with gunning people down and may branch out to more arson, robbery and car theft.

Donald Trump has pulled out of the Paris Climate Accord, asking at what point do the other countries start laughing at us? Which most people pointed out was sometime last November.

Vladimir Putin is denying Russia was involved in interfering in the U.S. election and that it instead may have been "patriotic Russians" who took it upon themselves. Like when we get hit with a computer virus, malware or ransomware from patriotic Americans that just post pictures of the the U.S. flag.

Pink Floyd co-founder Roger Waters is targeting Donald Trump with a new album and tour. Didn't he already do that years ago with "The Wall"?

The U.S. has been ranked 36th out of 172 countries on an index of the threats to children. Apparently the index is based on access to ice cream shops, video games and the number of Catholic priests.

Investors including Bob Marley's son Damian have bought a majority interest in High Times magazine for $70 Million. Which brings up the question of what were they smoking?

Investors including Bob Marley's son Damian have bought a majority interest in High Times magazine for $70 Million. That price also includes the three adjacent pizza parlors needed to make sure the workers are taken care of whenever they get the munchies.

A report says Kmart stores were targeted by hackers leading to unauthorized credit card activity. The only bigger report of unauthorized credit card activity was the purchases made with the credit cards of Kmart customers.

Oreo O’s cereal is returning after a ten year absence. Not to say it has a high amount of sugar, but each box comes with its own prescription for insulin.

Oreo O’s cereal is returning after a ten year absence. Apparently there is a void in the market to fill the need for more sugary cereals that Cookie Crisp, Sugar Frosted Flakes and Chocolate Honey Comb can’t cover by themselves.

Oreo O’s cereal is returning after a ten year absence. Which is probably no coincidence that it happened right after all those states started passing laws to legalize pot.

A report says 25% of U.S. shopping malls will close in the next five years. Which is going to be a real inconvenience for people who will no longer have a place to try clothes on before they order them online.

A rumor says Kraft Heinz is planning on buying Colgate. That could finally open the door for the long-awaited introduction by many Americans of ketchup-flavored toothpaste.

A study says teens at elite high schools are at a higher risk of addiction as young adults. Mostly because the more influence their parents have, the more likely the children are to be under the influence.

A study says new teen drivers are at triple the risk of being involved in a deadly crash than adults. Of course, that includes dad threatening to kill them after they crunch the fender of his new Mercedes Benz.

A study says smoking pot may lead to diseased gums. Mostly for the people who keep forgetting to brush their teeth every time they finish off an entire package of Oreos.

A study says post-game interviews may hold clues about brain injuries for athletes. Which correlates with the number of clich├ęs in each sentence like “We’ve been here before and had the big game experience but knew anything could happen in the playoffs.”

A study says post-game interviews may hold clues about brain injuries for athletes. But can also pertain to the interviewer, especially the ones who always make their first question to the winner, “So how does it feel?”

A study says there is a difference in how dads treat their sons and daughters. Mostly by telling their sons “I’m tired. Go do your homework” and their daughters “I’m tired. Go clean your room.”

A study says there is a difference in how dads treat their sons and daughters. Which is apparent when girls remember their fathers with the song “Butterfly Kisses” and boys associate them with “Cat’s in the Cradle.”

The Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper” album was released 50 years ago this week and is still going as strong as ever. That is nothing to sneeze at.

Medium Tyler Henry says he warned Alan Thicke about his heart months before the actor’s death from a heart-related issue. Imagine being that clairvoyant to be able to suggest a heart condition to a man who was about to turn 70.

Medium Tyler Henry says he warned Alan Thicke about his heart months before the actor’s death from a heart-related issue. He also told Thicke he would soon be travelling, come into some money and to not make superficial judgments on friends.

Al Franken says U.S. Senator is the best job he has ever had. Mostly because all people remember him for on his time on “Saturday Night Live” is the movie “Stuart Saves His Family.”

Al Franken says U.S. Senator is the best job he has ever had. Mostly because joke writing was never as easy as it is now that he is working closely with the Trump Administration.

The new movie “Wonder Woman” has been banned in Lebanon. Mostly because government officials there wonder why a woman is the main character in a movie.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says the “one and done” rule is “not working for anyone.” Except maybe all the Kentucky players who are now sitting around in the off-season enjoying their multi-million dollar pro contracts.

A former teammate says Johnny Manziel is ready to make a comeback. The question is, from what?

A former teammate says Johnny Manziel is ready to make a comeback. Which for most football experts means he has just re-enrolled in college somewhere.

Mr. Met, the mascot of the New York Mets was caught on camera flipping off a fan. There have been rumors Mr. Met has been using steroids, which is evident by his bad temper, rough complexion and oversized head.

Three states, California, New York and Washington are rebelling against Donald Trump’s withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accord. Although on the other side Alaska, Vermont and New Hampshire are saying maybe this global warming thing isn’t such a bad idea.

Wal-Mart is reportedly training workers with Virtual Reality simulators. It’s so they can actually imagine what it is like to work in a store that offers quality merchandise to customers who have a full set of teeth.

An Artificial Intelligence system can tell if sheep are in pain. Which is going to finally stop all those sheep from faking injuries and pulling the wool over our eyes.

An Artificial Intelligence system can tell if sheep are in pain. As opposed to old method of waiting until they asked for a Tylenol.

An Artificial Intelligence system can tell if sheep are in pain. That will stop them from pretending they are hurt and trying to get everyone’s goat.

The tech editor from the New York Times says Twitter is making the news dumber. Maybe not dumber but for many just faster. Why read several hundred pages of a newspaper when you can instead get all your information 140 characters at a time?

Delta says people will eventually be allowed to use a fingerprint instead of a boarding pass to take a flight. Apparently the idea came from United where most transactions are accompanied by the passenger showing their middle digit.

A report says all-electric satellites are making for better inflight Internet access. Which is great news for the passengers who are reading the airline magazine because the DHS tells them they can’t fly with their laptops anymore.

Europe says Twitter is failing to remove hate speech. Which will continue to be a problem until they finally close the account of @realDonaldTrump.

Bill Clinton’s reaction to Donald Trump pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord is “we owe our children more.” To which most parents putting their kids through college are saying they just wish their children would owe them a little less.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! You know, it is so great we have the technology to have cameras at our fingertips all the time with the invention of the smartphone. That way we can take as many pictures as we like so we can remember the planet the way it was before Donald Trump became President. First the global warming, then the thermonuclear war. But we will still have those old photos of actual trees we can show our mutated grandchildren. Ahhh, memories. Well, that’s enough ranting from me. The only memory that counts right now is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Your bias toward Trump really shows. The facts are the climate has been changing for millions of years and will continue to do so regardless of what mankind does or doesn't do.

As long as man has been on this planet, there have been wars. History shows us that. WWIII is coming one day regardless of who is in the White House. The President only has the power to determine if we are winners and keep our freedoms that those before us gave their lives for or if we are losers and become subjects of some crazy dictator or live under Sharia law.