Sunday, June 18, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says there are fears Illinois could become the first state to declare bankruptcy. Which means the Land of Lincoln could become more like the Land of Lincoln Savings and Loan.

A report says there are fears Illinois could become the first state to declare bankruptcy. To which Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana are upset, thinking it was their one shot at becoming first at something.

A report says there are fears Illinois could become the first state to declare bankruptcy. How messed up are things when the Cubs finally win the World Series and it’s their state that goes bankrupt?

Air quality officials in Los Angeles are warning of “very unhealthy” smog levels during the current heat wave. Which brings up the question as to when are smog levels ever considered anything else?

Air quality officials in Los Angeles are warning of “very unhealthy” smog levels during the current heat wave. Which is a long ways to go just to make their China Town closer to the real thing than even the original.

Michael Phelps is set to race a great white shark on the Discovery Channel. Apparently the network gets its name from when the crew will go into the pool after the race to discover what is left of him.

Michael Phelps is set to race a great white shark on the Discovery Channel. Depending on how fast he swims, he will either be declared “champ” or “chum.”

Michael Phelps is set to race a great white shark on the Discovery Channel. Although it may be disappointing to some when it turns out it is just a pool party over at Greg Norman’s house.

Experts are warning that e-cigarette holders can be used to become hacking tools. Which is ironic as most people turn to vaping to get away from real cigarettes so they can finally quit hacking.

A Utah facility can turn food waste into enough natural gas to power a small city. In other words, the town has just gotten their own Taco Bell.

The Massachusetts woman who sent texts to her boyfriend urging him to commit suicide has been found guilty of involuntary manslaughter. She should have known no good could come from sending that emoji with a gun to its head.

A 132 year old lobster that has been kept in a tank at a restaurant for decades is being set free. The lobster is just thankful that it will be getting out at a younger age than the scheduled release for Bernie Madoff.

A report says the Cuban government is rejecting Donald Trump’s “hostile rhetoric.” To which most Americans are telling them “You get used to it.”

Amazon has bought Whole Foods for $13.7 Billion. Which is good news for customers as Amazon’s discount policy means prices at Whole Foods will only be jacked up five times their actual cost.

Congressman Greg Gianforte is calling for civil politics just days after pleading guilty to assaulting a reporter. Although his uncivil behavior is only going to result in him eventually having to shell out some cash in civil court.

Financial forms show that Donald Trump made $288 Million from his golf courses alone in 2016. Which means if they are run like his other businesses, that was what he was able to pull out of them right before he files the papers for bankruptcy.

The EPA warned Fiat Chrysler back in 2015 over their use of illegal emissions software. Although any action was delayed until the company made any cars that actually run.

McDonald’s and the International Olympic Committee have ended their partnership early. Apparently the IOC had a problem with Ronald McDonald and their strict policy of not letting any clowns get too close to the Olympic Flame.

McDonald’s and the International Olympic Committee have ended their partnership early. Apparently it had something to do with a proposed marketing campaign where McDonald’s would introduce their new onion rings in the shape of the Olympic logo.

GM is reportedly planning on moving 600 jobs from Mexico to Texas. They will be symbolically delivered by driving all 600 workers across the border in the trunks of the latest vehicles rolling off the Mexican assembly line.

A report says the Department of Justice is probing Booz Allen Hamilton over their accounting practices. Apparently DOJ lawyers are telling Allen and Hamilton to lay off the Booz.

A study says a few walnuts a day can act to suppress hunger. Which most people already know about, especially when they eat enough chocolate walnut fudge, black walnut cake and English walnut pie.

A survey says 7% of Americans think chocolate milk because of its color comes from brown cows. Which made researchers afraid to ask the question as to how orange juice is made.

A survey says 7% of Americans think chocolate milk because of its color comes from brown cows. The other 93% when asked where chocolate milk comes from said “the store.”

A study says China will overtake the U.S. as number one in scientific research. Mostly because they have so much practice in trying to figure out how to scientifically clean up their food, air and water supplies.

A study says American teenagers are as inactive as 60 year olds. Which is good news for seniors who can now honestly say they feel like they are 19 again.

A study says American teenagers are as inactive as 60 year olds. Which is nice they have something else in common besides not being able to find work, not being able to hear or listen and now sharing appointments to see the cardiologist.

A study says high intensity exercise may lead to “leaky gut” syndrome. Which means the next time you go to the gym you might want to stay with the treadmill instead of following that last person on the stationary bike.

A report says many tanning salons let in underage customers. Mostly because teens want that healthy-looking darker skin glow without the bother of getting off the couch and ever actually having to go outside.

A report says many tanning salons let in underage customers. Apparently teens would love to go outside in the sunshine to get a tan if they could just do it when it wasn’t so hot.

A report says lead has been found in 20% of baby food samples. Mostly as a flavor ingredient as anything tastes better than strained carrots and peas.

A study says a single 30 minute workout is enough for people to see themselves as thinner and stronger. In fact, it makes them look so good to themselves that they say they will plan to do it again sometime next year.

A New Jersey high school will issue new yearbooks after any references to Donald Trump were airbrushed out. Apparently the school was trying to save students any future embarrassment showing their grandchildren they were behind the person who started World Wars III, IV and V.

The Heart Association says it wants to remind Americans there are both good fats and bad fats. To which most people are saying the only bad fat is one not staring at them from their gallon tub of Haagen Dazs.

A study says 1 in 5 dads feels “dad guilt” from spending too much time at the office. Which means the other four can be completely guilt-free for being able to stay at home without being able to find steady work since 2008.

A survey says girls as young as 11 are wearing makeup regularly. But then how else are they going to compete with those mature 13 year olds in looking for a boyfriend on Myspace?

John Avildsen, who won an Oscar for directing “Rocky” has died at age 81. People were surprised as the news. One of the “Rocky” films actually won an Oscar?

John Avildsen, who won an Oscar for directing “Rocky” has died at age 81. Winning the Oscar was his career highlight. The low point was making the mistake of coming back to direct “Rocky V.”

The L.A. County Coroner has released the report on the death of Carrie Fisher. She died back in December, which means it’s a good thing none of the doctors there work in the ER.

“Teen Mom OG” star Amber Portwood is set to join her fiancée and mom in “Marriage Boot Camp.” It’s nice to see there are reality shows who help girls who aren’t ready to become mothers when they grow up and aren’t ready to handle marriage.

“Teen Mom OG” star Amber Portwood is set to join her fiancée and mom in “Marriage Boot Camp.” If you need to take your mom to help work on your marriage after becoming pregnant at 16, the TV show you need to be on instead is “Dr. Phil.”

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis said they made a last minute change in their son’s name from “Walt” to “Demitri.” Apparently they felt being named Walt would make their son feel too normal with parents named Ashton and Mila.

“Real Housewives of Atlanta” star Kenya Moore has announced a secret wedding. Apparently she didn’t realize that one of the prerequisites for being on a show about housewives was that part about being a wife.

KISS drummer Peter Criss says he is retiring from show business. Apparently he is just realizing he was fired from the group and hasn’t been working since 1980.

KISS drummer Peter Criss says he is retiring from show business. Ironically, he has had personal issues with the group’s other members for years and they could just never make up.

Katy Perry has become the first person with a Twitter account to have 100 Million followers. Donald Trump is demanding a recount. How can anyone have that many followers without even one tweet threatening global thermonuclear war?

“ScoobyDoo” movie script writer James Gunn says the 2002 film was originally planned to have an R rating. “R” standing for “Ruh-Roh.”

“ScoobyDoo” movie script writer James Gunn says the 2002 film was originally planned to have an R rating. Hollywood experts were surprised at the news. “Scooby-Doo” worked off a script?

“ScoobyDoo” movie script writer James Gunn says the 2002 film was originally planned to have an R rating. Apparently the plans were foiled by those meddling kids.

Rory McIlroy went after Steve Elkington on Twitter after Elkington Said McIlroy missed the cut in the U.S. Open because he is “bored.” How ironic is it to be called “bored” by someone who has retired from golf and now spends his time on Twitter?

Rory McIlroy went after Steve Elkington on Twitter after Elkington Said McIlroy missed the cut in the U.S. Open because he is “bored.” Now all Elkington has to do is come up with the reason for missing the cut by Jason Day, Dustin Johnson, Bubba Watson, Justin Rose, Adam Scott…

Elon Musk says he has come up with an affordable way to colonize Mars. At least it will be affordable for anyone who has tried to do any house hunting in the Silicon Valley.

Kim Kardashian is now selling fidget spinners. Mostly for people who need something that requires just a little more brain power than sitting through an entire episode of “The Kardashians.”

Kim Kardashian is now selling fidget spinners. Which means she got involved with the fad while there are still three days before they become completely obsolete.

A study says 62% of UK adults think AI and technology will destroy human life. To which 100% of Americans say that is old news. We knew that the moment Donald Trump opened a Twitter account.

A group is claiming India’s Internet shutdowns “violate human rights.” Which is ironic as that is the country where the phones that connect the world to the Internet are made in sweatshops where workers slave for 20 hours a day for 75 cents.

The Trumps spend the weekend for the first time at Camp David. It will also be their last time as President Trump’s first executive action on returning to the White House will be to rename it “Camp Donald.”

Donald Trump says his Cuban-American friends are happy with his new Cuba policy. And they made sure to tell him so while they were trimming the hedges and mowing the greens at Mar-a-Lago.

Roger Stone, friend and adviser of Donald Trump says he wants the President to legalize marijuana. In fact, he claims that his endorsement is so popular that pot supporters are now using his name as inspiration and calling themselves “Stoners.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am writing this on Father’s Day Sunday, mostly because I am bored and can think of nothing else to do with my time today. I guess I could spend it with my daughter and actually be a dad. Nah. Too many people out there depending on these jokes for their sole source of anger and confusion. Just kidding. About the dad part. I have had to raise my daughter by myself (with a lot of help from a lot of friends thank goodness) and she has come out OK. Her mom died when she was only 11 and since then she has become a pretty good piano player, a black belt in Karate and is now enrolled at Marshall University. I couldn’t be more proud of her. Especially picking the college that is the alma mater of the great Soupy Sales. What could make a joke writer any happier? I hope you all had a great Dad’s Day as well. Being a dad is a great reward, but coming in second place is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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