Friday, June 16, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Author Jonathan Taplin in a book and New York Times op-ed says Google, Facebook, Amazon and other tech companies are so big they are undermining any competition. Who do they think they are, a bunch of Wall Street banks?

Author Jonathan Taplin in a book and New York Times op-ed says Google, Facebook, Amazon and other tech companies are so big they have captured the economy. Mostly because they have made it obsolete for Americans to ever have to personally go to the library, mall or visit friends.

Donald Trump has ordered the government to stop preparing for Y2K. Apparently he wants them to instead put their time into removing the safeguards in place to prevent another 2007 economic meltdown.

Donald Trump has ordered the government to stop preparing for Y2K. To which the agencies in charge say it is necessary in case the year 2000 ever comes around again.

A Florida man was arrested for domestic violence after battering his mother during an argument over a cheeseburger. He should have known to save any battering for an argument over fried chicken or fish.

A report says schools across the country are rethinking class rankings and choosing a valedictorian. Mostly because the way academics are going, they just rate all the students in a tie for last place.

A blimp caught fire and crashed injuring the pilot near the site of the U.S. Open golf tournament. The pilot says it has just not been a Goodyear.

Elon Musk has released a plan to colonize Mars with 1 Million people. The plan previously was on hold because of not enough volunteers, but that somehow changed right after the November election.

Vladimir Putin has offered political asylum to James Comey. As for the rest of the Trump Administration, he says they should just be put into an asylum.

Vladimir Putin has offered political asylum to James Comey. Although so far Comey is not taking him up on the offer as he knows political figures in this country only get tried and convicted when it involves a sex scandal.

A report says e-cigarette tobacco use among young Americans has dropped for the first time in six years. Mostly because for the first time in six years it is finally legal to use vaping kits for what they were intended for, smoking weed.

Time, Inc. is cutting 300 jobs to make up for its declining print business. Which means they are slowly accepting the eventual end of Time, Ink.

The Department of Justice says millions of dollars in stolen money was used to produce the movies “Dumb and Dumber To” and “Daddy’s Home.” Until now, the only stolen money associated with those films was the cash taken from moviegoers $8 at a time.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is using crowdsourcing for inspiration for philanthropy. To which most people are saying how about starting with paying the employees at Amazon a living wage?

Wells Fargo is being accused of modifying mortgages without authorization. Not to say the company has questionable business practices, but the last ethical transaction they performed was delivered by stagecoach.

A survey says nearly half of all Americans say they can’t afford to take a summer vacation. Not just the cost, but finding someone to fill in for all four of the jobs they are currently having to work to get by.

Psychiatrists say Virtual Reality can help with pain relief. Just not the pain that is inflicted when your wife sees you have been using your VR headset to check out naked 3D women online.

Nestle says it is exploring the sale of its U.S. confection business. Which is a very bad sign for the economy when Americans are even cutting back on the amount of candy they are buying.

Nike is slashing 1,400 jobs and cutting sneaker styles in a company shakeup. The sad part will be seeing all those pictures of 1,400 Chinese 6 year olds standing in line at the unemployment office.

Nike is slashing 1,400 jobs and cutting sneaker styles in a company shakeup. Apparently they are doing whatever it takes to come up with that $3 Billion LaVar Ball is demanding to have a shoe contract with his kids.

Donald Trump has signed an order expanding apprenticeship programs. Mostly because that is basically what worked to get him into the White House.

A report says the prescription lobby has outspent all other industries. Mostly because they know that the way to cure to any problems in Washington, D.C. is with a prescription to Congress for more cash.

A report says the prescription lobby has outspent all other industries. Mostly because the biggest addiction crisis in Washington, D.C. is not with opioids, methamphetamines or tranquilizers but cold, hard cash.

A poll says Republicans’ satisfaction with the way the nation is going has dropped 17%. People were surprised. There were 17% of people who until just recently were still positive?

A study says parents’ use of their smartphone can affect the behavior of their kids. Especially when they have a major temper tantrum because their call just got dropped or they can’t log on to the Internet to play another game of “Candy Crush.”

A study says centenarians are often healthier than younger seniors in their 80s and 90s. Mostly because if something hasn’t gotten to you after a hundred years, it probably is eventually going to just give up.

A study says centenarians are often healthier than younger seniors in their 80s and 90s. What’s worse is that now people in their 80s and 90s are in a lot better health than most people in their 40s and 50s.

Scientists say they have developed a way to let people tan without being exposed to harmful UV rays. Not only that, but it also helps them achieve that same orange skin glow that is currently reserved exclusively for the President of the United States.

Flight crews have revealed the places people should not touch on a plane. Those include the folding tray tables, arm rests and especially anything in a bathroom just used by Ralph Fiennes and a flight attendant.

A government report says copays and deductions will increase by 61% with the Republican health care plan. The good news is that the increased business will lower fees for mortuaries, funeral directors and caskets.

A study says a broccoli extract is showing promise as a treatment for Type 2 Diabetes. The only problem is when patients will only eat it when it is mixed in with cream, sugar and salt.

Rebel Wilson has won a defamation lawsuit against a magazine publisher over articles she says caused her to lose movie roles. If the magazine wanted to portray her poorly, all they had to do was point out she was starring in “Perfect Pitch 3.”

Rebel Wilson has won a defamation lawsuit against a magazine publisher over articles she says caused her to lose movie roles. Which based on magazine subscription numbers means she could collect as much as $7.58.

Yoki Ono will be given a songwriting credit for the John Lennon song “Imagine.” She should also get credit as the inspiration for the post-Beatle songs “Sue Me Sue You Blues,” “Back Off Boogaloo” and “How Do You Sleep?”

Yoki Ono will be given a songwriting credit for the John Lennon song “Imagine.” Which means since she broke up the Beatles, she should pretty much get a credit on any song written solo by Lennon.

Katy Perry says all the awards she has ever won are fake. Which is ironic as the two reasons she was able to become a pop star apparently are very real.

Katy Perry says all the awards she has ever won are fake. Which confused Donald Trump who is trying to figure out if that report is a result of fake news.

Gene Simmons wants to trademark the “devil’s horns” hand gesture. Which is going to be a real shock to any heavy metal bands still living in 1983.

Gene Simmons wants to trademark the “devil’s horns” hand gesture. The reaction was for all heavy metal band members to try to trademark the middle finger hand gesture they are showing Simmons.

Gene Simmons wants to trademark the “devil’s horns” hand gesture. In an unrelated story, Simmons’ use of breathing fire and bleeding from the mouth is now being claimed as a trademark violation by Taco Bell.

Tiger Woods’ arraignment for DUI has been rescheduled for August 9th. Apparently his lawyer changed it to the day when Woods’ 12 prescriptions all run out.

Tiger Woods’ arraignment for DUI has been rescheduled for August 9th. The presiding judge is Sandra Bosso-Pardo. Which in a DUI trial is always a good thing to have a jurist who is named after a Brazilian party dance.

Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino has been suspended five games and the school could lose their 2013 National Title because of a sex-for-play scandal. It got so bad, when team members talked about a pick-and-roll they were referring to getting a lap dance.

Bill Russell will receive the NBA Inaugural Lifetime Achievement Award. Which for someone with 11 NBA Championships, 5 MVPs and 12 All-Star selections, a lifetime achievement award is pretty much known as his career.

Charles P. Thacker, the designer of the PC has died at age 74. Doctors say just like his invention, for no apparent reason he just shut down.

Charles P. Thacker, the designer of the PC has died at age 74. Apparently the cause for his demise is listed as the Blue Screen of Death.

Charles P. Thacker, the designer of the PC has died at age 74. Unfortunately, just like with Windows 7 efforts to reboot him were futile.

Amazon has been granted a patent to prevent people inside stores from checking prices online. Which until now was otherwise known as the Amazon business model.

Facebook says it has 150 counterterrorism specialists. Whatever happened to the days when people who had problems with someone on Facebook just unfriended them?

An Apple team is working to make iPhones a medical record hub. Which will come in handy for emergency crews who need to access victims’ records after they crash into a tree because they were using their iPhone to text while driving.

An Apple team is working to make iPhones a medical record hub. Which is necessary because people are in such poor health from sitting and staring at their iPhone screen all day.

A report says mounting a fake news campaign costs $400,000 a year. Which at least now reveals what the annual budget amounts to over at CNN.

A report says mounting a fake news campaign costs $400,000 a year. Which brings up the question, or does it?

A poll says a majority of Americans feel Donald Trump has committed a felony. The only question is does it concern collusion with Russians, has charity, his casinos, Trump University or the way he treats women?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just an observation I had the other day while looking at the video from the shooting at the congressional baseball game. How much has the digital age messed us up? I am watching the video taken from a smartphone camera and about three minutes into it the guy filming it says “I assume someone has called 911.” What??!! This guy is so concerned about getting some good video he never thought that maybe he should instead be using his phone to call police? Maybe he had no idea a smartphone could actually be used as a “phone.” At least the phone can be called smart. Forget the guy lying on the field, let’s see if we can video even more people being cut down so it gets lots of YouTube hits! On a brighter note, it is the Father’s Day weekend. I am especially proud this year because my daughter Summer is now officially enrolled at Marshall University. She has been such a delight to raise which is a good thing as I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. Which is obvious to anyone reading this blog. We lost her mom six years ago to Cystic Fibrosis and she has been so easy for me, never an argument or emotional crisis. Thank God karma doesn’t always bite back as my parents would attest. But this will be a great Dad’s Day for me as it always is, but this one is special as she is almost to the point where she can be completely on her own. But I hope she never is. I hope you all have a great Father’s Day and it will be even be better for me when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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