Thursday, June 15, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says there are fears the special congressional election in Georgia could be backed. Especially if the Russian hackers get confused and think it’s taking place in the other Georgia.

NBC is holding “crisis” meetings over an upcoming interview between Megyn Kelly and extremist radio host Alex Jones. Although if the network is concerned about ratings, they should already be in crisis mode over “Little Big Shots,” “Superstore” and “World of Dance.”

A report says Donald Trump could be looking at charges for obstruction of justice. Which shows at least he can now say that James Comey did lie when he said Trump was not under investigation.

Chris Christie is now the most unpopular governor in any state in the past 20 years. How bad to you have to be to make even the people of New Jersey feel like their state is getting even worse?

Chris Christie is now the most unpopular governor in any state in the past 20 years. You know you have done a bad job when even the cast of “Jersey Shore” have given the state a better reputation.

Fox News has dropped their slogan of “Fair and balanced” after two decades. Which is ironic that they chose to do it now after losing Megyn Kelly, Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes.

Fox News has dropped their slogan of “Fair and balanced” after two decades. Apparently it was just too difficult for the anchors to say it without trying to laugh or having to cough to cover up their smirk.

A report says one third of small private colleges rated by Moody’s are operating at a deficit. Mostly the ones struggling to afford the basics needed to attract students, like top professors, modern amenities and a competitive Division I football team.

A customer is suing United Airlines for being shoved to the ground by an employee in 2015. Apparently it took so long to file the suit because his return flight finally made it back just last week.

Complaints against airlines have jumped 70% after the United passenger dragging incident. Mostly because until it got all the publicity on TV news, fliers just assumed that was the way they treated all their customers.

Soupman, the company of “Seinfeld” Soup Nazi fame has filed for bankruptcy. The worst part was when investors told executives “No cash for you!”

Microsoft claims its Artificial Intelligence is a whiz at playing “Ms. Pac-Man.” Which shows their system is now as smart as the average ten year old back in 1983.

Microsoft claims its Artificial Intelligence is a whiz at playing “Ms. Pac-Man.” The only problem is the computer program keeps asking researchers if it can have more quarters.

A study says college students would give up their friends’ e-mail addresses for free pizza. Which is  no surprise since the average college student would forfeit their academic scholarship if they were given enough free coupons to Little Caesar’s.

A study says college students would give up their friends’ e-mail addresses for free pizza. Mostly because college students don’t consider it a breach of confidence as no one their age has used e-mails since they were in grade school.

A study says college students would give up their friends’ e-mail addresses for free pizza. Mostly because college students only know e-mail as that thing that Hillary Clinton used to get into trouble.

Avon CEO Sheri McCoy is reportedly stepping down. Apparently she and the board of directors had differences and just couldn’t make up.

Avon CEO Sheri McCoy is reportedly stepping down. The company is downplaying any problems and instead just trying to cover it all up with lipstick and mascara.

Avon CEO Sheri McCoy is reportedly stepping down. The company is downplaying any problems and instead just trying to gloss it all over.

A group of civil engineers says Donald Trump’s $1 Trillion infrastructure plan will come up short by $3.6 Trillion in trying to fix, build and upgrade roads and bridges over the next decade. Mostly because the only roads and bridges the administration is willing to fund are the ones adjacent to any properties with a sign saying “Trump.”

A group of civil engineers says Donald Trump’s $1 Trillion infrastructure plan will come up short by $3.6 Trillion in trying to fix, build and upgrade roads and bridges over the next decade. The problem is those engineers are being too nice and should try being less civil.

The Fed is hiking interest rates as a sign of a brighter economic outlook. At least it will have a brighter outlook until anyone tries to borrow money at the higher interest rates.

Tom Morgan, who made quality fly fishing rods has died at age 76. Which is ironic that after putting all that time into flies, he will now officially be turned over to the worms.

Tom Morgan, who made quality fly fishing rods has died at age 76. As a true fisherman, the casket was ordered for someone seven feet tall when he was actually 5’9”.

Enterprise car sharing has quit Chicago due to vandalism, theft and fraud. And that was only with the rentals that were actually ever brought back.

Enterprise car sharing has quit Chicago due to vandalism, theft and fraud. And that was just with the employees’ cars in the company parking lot.

A report says Venezuelans have lost faith in the country’s rule of law. Although it turns out that was actually a headline from a newspaper story dating back to 1923.

A report says U.S. investors are taking basic steps to build and protect their finances. Mostly by investing all their money into countries other than the U.S.

A lawsuit is challenging Kentucky’s medical marijuana ban. It turns out the action is being sponsored by anti-drug groups, religious organizations and the state’s moonshine lobby.

Donald Trump is now calling the House health care bill “mean.” Which means it won’t be ready for passage until it can be described as “frightening,” “horrifying” and “ghastly.”

A study says eating fried potatoes is linked to a higher risk of death. To which most Americans are saying it’s going to take something a little more serious than that to get them to put down that handful of French fries.

The GOP health care plan will reportedly cost nearly 1 Million American jobs. Although that is just in the health care industry. It will be offset over time by creating way more jobs than that in just the funeral industry.

A study says the toxic ingredient BPA is still being found in many canned foods. Which is not causing much concern as it is still less harmful than the other ingredients that are mostly salt, fat and sugar.

Michigan’s health chief and four others are being charged with involuntary manslaughter in the Flint water probe. Part of the problem is they are being accused of dragging their feet and just not getting the lead out.

A study says home blood pressure monitors are wrong 7 out of 10 times. Mostly when the patients’ blood pressure goes through the roof when they realize they paid a lot of money for a medical device that doesn’t work.

The FDA is delaying an overhaul of nutrition labels. Apparently they want to wait another couple of years until every last American is obese so they can start with a level field.

A study says exercise slows the aging process. Mostly for the people who actually feel how slowly time seems to pass when they are in the middle of a workout.

A Belgian court has convicted a set of parents over their son because of an alternative diet. The irony is that the parents will now be placed on another alternative diet that could be deadly called prison food.

A study says a majority of bed partners encourage behaviors that can make insomnia worse. Especially when they stay up late at night trying to catch their partner sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.

A study says airport noise could raise the risk of high blood pressure for people living nearby. Especially when the noise is the constant screaming of passengers being dragged off United Airlines flights.

An Indiana man had brain fluid leaking from his ears that turned out to be caused by his being obese. How fat have we gotten when even our brains are too overweight to fit inside our skulls?

Corrine Olympios has broken her silence about  “Bachelor in Paradise,” saying she is a victim and that this is her “worst nightmare.” The only bigger nightmare would be to not have the chance to display how morally vapid and self-absorbed she is on a network reality TV show.

The Broadway show “Six Degrees of Separation” will be closing this week. Which means the show’s cast and crew are now one degree of separation from the unemployment line.

The Grammys says they will be switching over to an online voting format. Although some critics of the plan say they are waiting to say “I told you so” when the Album of the Year award goes to a Russian balalaika quartet.

Fran Drescher and her ex-husband, who created the series “The Nanny” explained in an interview why the show went off the air. To which most people who ever watched the program are saying that’s like needing an analysis of why Pets.com stock tanked back in 2000.

Fran Drescher and her ex-husband, who created the series “The Nanny” explained in an interview why the show went off the air. A better story would be how they convinced a network to put the show on TV in the first place.

A report says Katie Couric’s role at Yahoo won’t be impacted by the Verizon deal. Mostly because no one at either company actually knows what she even does anymore.

Dennis Johnson is reportedly healthy and ready to play at this week’s U.S. Open. Apparently he is guaranteeing there will be no repeat of the injury he suffered before the Masters by making sure this week he rents a house that has an elevator.

Dodger outfielder Yasiel Puig was suspended for a game for flipping off a fan. The good news is that when his playing days are over he can still get a job playing Mr. Met.

The USGA is adding video stations and a chief referee to speed up U.S. Open on-course rulings. That sounds like a great idea. Look how much instant replay has taken away controversy and speeded things up over at the NFL.

A report says 146,000 video cameras are monitoring the streets of Moscow. Which thanks to Russian technology means authorities can see what is going anywhere in the city, at least in view of the three cameras that still actually work.

Travis Air Force Base in California was locked down due to a “real world security incident.” The question is what is a real world security incident, the name of a new military show being broadcast on MTV?

Phil Mickelson has withdrawn from the U.S. Open to attend his daughter’s high school graduation, where she will be speaking. Speaking on Father’s Day weekend has become a Mickelson family tradition, like the six times Phil has been on the stand giving the runner-up speech.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I made it back from Huntington in one piece after a long day at my daughter’s college orientation. She is now enrolled at Marshall University. Go Herd! It is also the start of the U.S. Open, my favorite sporting event of the year. No Tiger and no Phil in the field for the first time in 24 years. Now I know how our parents felt the first time there was no Hogan or Snead in the field. Old. Today’s kids don’t care about golf. The five hours it takes to play a round could be better used to watch about 500 videos on Youtube, taking a couple dozen selfies with friends and playing several rounds of online video games. And not having to actually communicate personally with the other people in the foursome. As for me, I just don’t have time for the game as it takes me away from my daily routine of putting out the gags. Because while coming up with the jokes can be every bit as frustrating and difficult as chasing the ball around the course, my biggest reward comes not from making a 25 foot birdie putt but when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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