Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The defense in Bill Cosby’s rape trial rested after only six minutes. Which is ironic in that is exactly the same amount of time it takes for a dose of roofies to take effect.

Moby is releasing a surprise new album. Which is big news for anyone still living in 2003.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis says North Kore is the “most urgent” threat to national security. Fortunately, before they attack us they still need to work on a nationwide electric grid and indoor plumbing.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis says North Kore is the “most urgent” threat to national security. The last thing we want is to put our soldiers at risk of losing an eye to a slingshot.

A report says exercising on an empty stomach is the secret to losing weight. To which millions of Americans were confused, asking “What’s an empty stomach?”

A report says exercising on an empty stomach is the secret to losing weight. The problem is that it is hard to even get Americans to sit down to dinner on an empty stomach.

Spanish soccer star Ronaldo is being charged with tax evasion. Which shows that he may have intentions down the road to run for public office.

Spanish soccer star Ronaldo is being charged with tax evasion. Americans think that Ronaldo is the European version of a fast food icon and that his name is short for Ronaldo McDonaldo.

The Islamic State is calling for attacks on the U.S, and Europe during the holy month of Ramadan. The other 11 months of the year they will go back to work at their usual jobs of planning attacks on the U.S. and Europe. 

A report says 20 transgender candidates are running for political office in the U.S. The only problem is when the media asks them questions and keeps getting ambiguous answers.

A Chinese man has been caught with 500 imprisoned cats that were destined for restaurants. Their rescue is just more bad news for all the neighborhood dogs.

A Chinese man has been caught with 500 imprisoned cats that were destined for restaurants. Which means when you go to China and see a KFC, those initials may not mean the same thing as they do in the U.S.

Dennis Rodman says he hopes to do something “pretty positive” on his trip to North Korea. Which for most Americans means staying over there.

Dennis Rodman says he hopes to do something “pretty positive” on his trip to North Korea. The best thing he could do is rock a wedding dress to the point where he gets Kim Jong-un to propose marriage.

Shareholders in the company that makes the EpiPen are revolting over a former CEO getting a pay package of $98 Million. Although they were sure OK with the idea of raising the price of their product to working class customers to $600 apiece.

McDonald’s says it will be hiring 250,000 workers this summer, some to wait on tables. Because what could make the McDonald’s experience even better than having an order of McNuggets served by a high school student wearing a tuxedo?

McDonald’s says it will be hiring 250,000 workers this summer, some to wait on tables. What could make for a better resume for a high school student than putting down they have experience as a “Maitre Mc-D’?

Paul Ryan says Donald Trump should let special prosecutor Robert Mueller do his job. And when he is done, to just let it become President Pence’s problem.

Chris Christie broke ground on a $2.4 Billion Newark Airport project. Although to be fair, any time Christie takes more than a few steps he ends up breaking ground.

GM says it can now mass produce self-driving cars. Which will be extremely convenient for GM customers who will now be able to sit at home while all their vehicles can drive themselves back to the dealer when they are recalled.

Apple is exploring making a self-driving car. Although for anyone who has ever bought an Apple product, if they are priced the same way it would just be cheaper to keep their current car and hire a chauffeur.

Tests say that most midsized SUVs have headlights that are unsafe. Apparently they barely light the road ahead so the driver can hardly see what’s coming while they are busy texting behind the wheel.

Tests say that most midsized SUVs have headlights that are unsafe. Mostly because like all other SUVs, the lights pretty much just light the space directly in front of the driver which is ten feet above all the other cars.

Donald Trump is touting apprenticeships as a way to fill the job gap. Which is ironic, especially for all the people on his TV who were scared to death to have to go through an apprenticeship with Trump knowing how it was going to end.

Donald Trump is touting apprenticeships as a way to fill the job gap. Except for the people who know it from his TV show as having a job with a bunch of backstabbing co-workers and boss who ends up firing all of them but one.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin is urging Congress to lift the debt ceiling before their August recess. How bad is it when we have to prepare to go even deeper in the red even when Congress isn’t around to spend all of our money?

A nasal powder is being used to lower people’s blood glucose. How fat are we that the number one drug of choice is now snorting sugar?

A report says 10 Million Americans have serious mental illness. The good news is they at least now know that won’t get in the way of their dreams to become a presidential spokesperson.

A study says pregnancy changes mothers’ brains for years. Mostly to prepare them for the day that their kids grow up to be teenagers.

A new non-invasive knee procedure eases arthritis pain without surgery. It’s called “Hey, how about losing a few pounds!”

A report says 1 in 10 people on Earth are obese. The other 9 are just overweight, fat, plump, or chubby.

A report says 1 in 10 people on Earth are obese. It’s getting so bad that the planet’s rotation is being interrupted because most of those people are now getting large enough to develop their own gravitational field.

A study says a breakfast of too many carbs may cloud a person’s judgment. Which means when you get pulled over early in the morning, just pray that cop didn’t just come out of the neighborhood Krispy Kreme.

A study at the University of Illinois at Chicago says too much marijuana does not help people relax. Especially when they get done with their bong hit and realize the pizzeria is only open another ten minutes.

A study at the University of Illinois at Chicago says too much marijuana does not help people relax. The study was able to be conducted as apparently it attracted more volunteers than any other medical study in university history.

Khloe Kardashian says her boyfriend Tristan Thompson wants to have “5or 6” kids with her. Which means they will need lots of help, especially in setting up the long-term contract for exclusive baby photos with People Magazine.

The Senate temporarily banned reporters from filming Senators in the Capitol hallways. Which was fine with most people as long as they still can’t go in to take pictures of any of them in the Senate gym locker room.

Ice Cube was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It’s not to be confused with the one for Ice T but at least there will never be any problem with mixing it up with one for Vanilla Ice.

Movie review sites are saying “The Mummy” is Tom Cruise’s worst film ever. Which shows many of the reviewers are just not old enough to remember “Cocktail,” “Vanilla Sky” and “Eyes Wide Shut.”

Oprah Winfrey says she is not running for President. Mostly because she already owned the toughest office anyone could hold for a total of 25 years in charge of daytime TV.

The USGA has cut down the rough at Erin Hills for the U.S. Open so it won’t be as difficult. If that doesn’t work, they may remove the windmill from the 3rd hole and the clown’s mouth on the 18th green.

LeBron James says he has never played on a “superteam.” Apparently it was impossible since there were always four other guys to contend with on the court.

UCF is telling kicker Donald De La Haye not to profit from his YouTube channel. Apparently the administration says he needs to be like the other players and get his money under the table in illegal payments from the alumni association.

Lonzo Ball says he could beat Michael Jordan “right now” one on one. Which shows that Maury Povich will not need to be called to reveal who is Lonzo’s real father.

Lonzo Ball says he could beat Michael Jordan “right now” one on one. At least there is no doubt that when people looked at Lonzo as a baby, they had to say that he has his father’s mouth.

Phil Mickelson’s caddy “Bones” MacKay is reportedly already at Erin Hills even though Mickelson says he may not play. It’s sad to see Bones having to make ends meet by trying to pick up a double loop on Tuesday’s practice round.

The Golden State Warriors voted unanimously to not accept an invitation to the White House following their NBA Championship victory. Apparently they are worried about any repercussions that would take place if they did as their congressional representative is still Nancy Pelosi.

A $500 a month website says it can track any cellphone and intercept any text messages. To which Anthony Weiner is saying “Haven’t I suffered enough?”

A tool lets people see what the upcoming solar eclipse will look like in their area. Which for people along the direct path means it pretty much tells them to close their eyes for a couple of minutes.

A 62 Million year old partial skeleton found in New Mexico shows early primate ancestors lived in trees. People were surprised at the news. There were once trees in New Mexico?

Instagram users admit they have made the most narcissistic social network on the planet. At least when not including the Twitter account of Donald Trump.

A 118 year old painting by a British explorer has been discovered in Antarctica. At first it was thought to just be a blank canvas until scientists realized he was actually painting a blizzard.

John McCain is warning Republicans they could lose the House in 2018. Fortunately for McCain, if he loses one of his houses that still leaves him with at least seven others.

A friend of Donald Trump says the President is thinking of firing special prosecutor Robert Mueller. The good news is that he already has a replacement in mind, he’s just not sure if it will be Ivanka or Jared Kushner.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have been doing Yeoman’s work today trying to get the blog ready for Wednesday as I will be out of town most of the day. My daughter is going to her orientation at Marshall University and we will be taking a trip to visit the campus. The only question is how funny are Yeomen? At least the name is a good start. I have been cranking out the jokes for Tuesday and Wednesday today, which means they are pretty much exactly the same ones in different order. Kind of like every other day here. And just like every other day I try to put this together, I will get my reward when you all remember to keep on always sending the love!


No comments: