Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Ivanka Trump in an interview with Fox News says there was a level of viciousness in Washington, D.C. she wasn’t expecting. She thought that kind of animosity and cruelty was reserved for places like the boardroom at the Trump Organization.

Ivanka Trump in an interview with Fox News says there was a level of viciousness in Washington, D.C. she wasn’t expecting. Has she never watched “West Wing,” “House of Cards” or “Madame Secretary”?

North Korea says it is “one step away” from launching a nuclear missile that could hit the U.S. Actually they are two steps away. They still just need to figure out how to make a nuclear weapon and develop a missile that makes it off the launching pad.

A report says the right wing movement in France is losing momentum. Leader Marine Le Pen says it is the fault of a skewed electoral system. To which the left wing in America is saying “Tell us about it!”

Dozens of Tunisians protested for the right to not fast during Ramadan. Apparently western influence has reached the Middle East where people also want the ability to spend the entire year becoming morbidly obese.

John McCain says American leadership was better under President Obama. He says it was also better under some of the other presidents he has served under, including Clinton, Reagan, Roosevelt, McKinley and Lincoln.

Colin Kaepernick’s jersey is still one of the NFL’s top sellers even though he is still without a team. The sad part is until he is signed the jerseys come in a neutral beige with the space for the logo saying “This Space For Rent.”

Colin Kaepernick’s jersey is still one of the NFL’s top sellers even though he is still without a team. Apparently it is very popular with men who feel they have something in common with Kaepernick when they wear it while standing in the unemployment line.

Colin Kaepernick’s jersey is still one of the NFL’s top sellers even though he is still without a team. Also selling well is the Johnny Manziel jersey which people find very natural to wear when they go bar hopping.

“Bachelor in Paradise” has been suspended over “allegations of misconduct.” The show features 25 single men and women on location at a tropical resort. The whole show is one big excuse for misconduct.

A Florida sheriff who urged citizens to arm themselves says he stands behind his message. People were shocked. There are some people walking around in Florida who are not already armed?

A Florida sheriff who urged citizens to arm themselves says he stands behind his message. Mostly because the more people are walking around carrying their own weapons, the more time he and his deputies have to relax every morning at the donut shop.

Donald Trump is calling James Comey’s actions “cowardly.” The personal attacks and firing have given way to the real reason Comey was kicked out of office. He made the mistake of being 6’8” tall, which when standing together makes Trump look short.

A report says 28 Million Americans have seen a spike in their prescription drug prices in the past year. The other 278 Million Americans are going to join that group when they are prescribed anxiety meds to help them cope with the Republican health care plan.

A report says 28 Million Americans have seen a spike in their prescription drug prices in the past year. That will be taken care of soon as those are the same 28 Million Americans who are scheduled to lose their health insurance under the new health care plan.

Donald Trump’s nominee for a powerful bank regulator position was found to have misrepresented his college degree. Apparently his resume set off alarms when it said he was a graduate of Trump University.

Two Las Vegas hotel guests have contracted Legionnaire’s Disease. The good news is they didn’t leave town with a gambling addiction, diabetes from the casino buffets or a new strain of STD.

Jennifer Lawrence’s private plane made an emergency landing in Buffalo when an engine failed on a flight to New Jersey. FAA officials say they immediately realized it was a real emergency when the pilot actually made the decision to divert to Buffalo.

Jennifer Lawrence’s private plane made an emergency landing in Buffalo when an engine failed on a flight to New Jersey. She says it could have been much worse. Mainly if the flight had actually made it all the way to New Jersey.

Jennifer Lawrence’s private plane made an emergency landing in Buffalo when an engine failed on a flight to New Jersey. She says if she had known something like that could ever happen, she would have just signed up as a frequent flier with United.

The University of Hawaii has offered a scholarship to a fifth grade football player. The school wanted to get him early because after completing the fifth grade, they were afraid of losing him as he is now already academically qualified at UNLV.

The University of Hawaii has offered a scholarship to a fifth grade football player. Although it is a little misleading to say they signed someone in fifth grade as the student in question is already 17.

Former NBA player Sebastian Telfair has been arrested on gun and marijuana charges in New York. Which at least shows even after he left the league he is still in NBA midseason form.

Former NBA player Sebastian Telfair has been arrested on gun and marijuana charges in New York. Apparently he sees his errors and realizes now he would not be in any trouble at all if he had just moved to Colorado.

Sharp is suing Hisense over “shoddily” made TVs they claim have a poor picture quality. Although who needs clear pictures on their  TV when most people are suffering from bad eyesight from staring at a phone or computer screen the rest of the day?

Sharp is suing Hisense over “shoddily” made TVs they claim have a poor picture quality. To which Hisense says they will start making a quality picture screen when the TV networks start making some quality programming.

Sharp is suing Hisense over “shoddily” made TVs they claim have a poor picture quality. Although most people are happy to at least have a mute button they can use whenever the Kardashians come on.

A software engineer is asking strangers on the Internet to help with suggestions on how to invest $50,000 in the stock market. Which is amazing that someone would put his own cash in the hands of shut-ins who sit on the couch watching cat videos all day.

A software engineer is asking strangers on the Internet to help with suggestions on how to invest $50,000 in the stock market. Which is a lot less crazy than putting it in the hands of people who will just lose it all, like the staff at CNBC.

A software engineer is asking strangers on the Internet to help with suggestions on how to invest $50,000 in the stock market. So far the overwhelming top choice from people is to hand it over to a Nigerian prince they know.

Fujifilm has ousted their chairman following accounting problems. Like the fact that they haven’t had any revenue since people stopped buying film back in 2005.

A new pocket sized printer allows people to make prints on pictures made with their iPhones. Which is nice to see that 21st century digital technology has basically just given us the Polaroid.

A study says people increasing their sleep time by one hour saw their wages go up 5%. Mostly because they still had some wages after not being caught by the boss making up for that one hour of lost sleep at their desk.

Uber has forced CEO Travis Kalanick to take a leave of absence. He is very open about talking about what he did wrong, all you need to hear him in person is happen to flag down the Uber car he happens to be driving now.

UFO hunters say they spotted a “weird orb” while they were lost in the hills near Boston. Although the story might be more believable coming from someone who could figure out how to navigate their way out of some woods just outside a major city.

UFO hunters say they spotted a “weird orb” while they were lost in the hills near Boston. Although it still doesn’t beat the weird orb that was being fondled by Donald Trump on his recent trip to Saudi Arabia.

Tim Cook told graduates at MIT to not listen to trolls and “for God’s sake don’t become one.” Unless it is to get on Twitter and tell Bill Gates that “Microsoft products suck!”

Ivanka Trump says she is focused on why the American people elected Donald Trump President. To which millions of people across the country are saying when she figures it out, please try to explain it to the rest of us.

Maryland and Washington, D.C. are planning to sue Donald Trump for “constitutional violations.” The lawsuit  demands Trump turn over his income tax returns. However, he already denying that will happen saying they were eaten by Sean Spicer.

Former U.S. Attorney for New York Preet Bharara says Donald Trump tried to cultivate a relationship with him before abruptly firing him in March. Which shows Trump conducts his business associations exactly the same way he does his marriages.

Donald Trump has reportedly given Chief of Staff Reince Priebus until July 4th to “clean up” the White House. Although he meant just his usual job of tidying up the pool area before the Independence Day guests arrive.

Melania and Barron Trump have reportedly moved into the White House. To which Mike Pence is saying after hearing rumblings about impeachment proceedings, “Don’t get too comfy just yet!”

Former Whitewater prosecutor Ken Starr says “You have to look at everything” in a potential case against Donald Trump. And then when there is nothing there, start looking for something to do with sex.

A poll says 73% of Americans support the idea of euthanasia. Especially those who are still listed in the will of a rich relative.

A poll says 73% of Americans support the idea of euthanasia. Which has now become known to most people as the Republican health care plan.

Puerto Rico has voted overwhelmingly to become the 51st state. To which most Americans are willing to consider, as long as it includes a trade that kicks out Alabama.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, Golden State has won the NBA Championship, and the Penguins the Stanley Cup. Now that those are out of the way, we can get back to the real sports of golf, tennis and baseball. I don’t care if any team from the Bay Area wins a title as long as it isn’t the much-hated Giants. Things are good with the real sports as the Dodgers are hanging on to second in their division, Rafa Nadal won the French Open tennis tournament and the U.S. Open Golf Championship starts in another couple of days. There is only one thing that makes me feel better about the world, and that is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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