Sunday, June 11, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says text messages can help lower a person’s blood sugar levels. Mostly when they don’t eat poorly because they are in a coma from crashing their car while they are texting behind the wheel.

Pakistan’s skyrocketing population includes three men who have fathered a total of 96 children. The good news out of that is Karachi has just met the standards to apply to have its own NBA team.

James Comey is reportedly set to sign a $10 Million book deal. Which brings up the question as why executives and government workers make most their money after being fired?

Nielsen says nearly 20 Million people watched James Comey’s congressional testimony last week. The only way a hearing would have gotten more of an audience is if was held in the courtroom of  Judge Judy.

A New York City man charged with molesting his roommate’s girlfriend was acquitted by a jury who believed his story that it happened while he was sleepwalking. Funny how his sleepwalking didn’t instead cause him to do something else, like clean the kitchen or paint the living room walls.

A study says obesity and inactivity could soon replace smoking as the main cancer death risk. Which means that instead of outlawing smoking in restaurants for health purposes, they should stop them from serving meals.

A study says obesity and inactivity could soon replace smoking as the main cancer death risk. Which is good news for smokers who can now turn the tables and go militant on someone who is eating a Twinkie.

A study says the optimal length of time for sex is 30 minutes. To which most men are asking if that includes the 27 minutes of watching sports on TV afterwards.

Fleetwood Mac’s Lindsey Buckingham and Christine McVie are releasing a duet album. Which is great news for anyone still living in 1977.

Fleetwood Mac’s Lindsey Buckingham and Christine McVie are releasing a duet album. Which means Baby Boomers are already going through their basement boxes looking to see where they stored their old record player.

A Shiite Muslim man in Pakistan has been sentenced to death for blasphemy. He claims he momentarily lost his head which authorities there say they will now make permanent.

A New York State appeals court ruled chimpanzees are not legal “persons.” To which the chimp defendant afterwards said in sign language they should have evolved more when they had the chance.

A New York State appeals court ruled chimpanzees are not legal “persons.” Which is good news in that then now have exactly the same legal status that used to just be reserved for the poor.

A restaurant in Hong Kong is being protested for serving shark fin soup to save threatened species. Lawyers across the territory also joined in the demonstrations, if for no other reason as a matter of professional courtesy.

High school seniors in Virginia say a travel website scammed them for $1,300 apiece over a graduation trip to the Bahamas. The people running the website say they were merely preparing them for the same experience when they start taking out college tuition loans.

Donald Trump sent out a tweet saying “Comey is a leaker!” To which John McCain says sometimes that can’t be helped when you get a little older.

Apple CEO Tim Cook warned MIT graduates of the perils of social media. Which he then followed up with by saying they are much less likely to be hacked or hit with malware or spyware as long as they stick exclusively to using products made by Apple.

Apple CEO Tim Cook warned MIT graduates of the perils of social media. Which apparently he wasn’t aware that most of the problems on social media sites are from pranks devised by computer science students at MIT.

A court has ruled the President of Brazil can keep his job in the wake of charges of corruption. To which Donald Trump is asking his lawyers if he gets impeached whether they can request the venue be moved to the Southern Hemisphere.

The Tom Cruise movie “The Mummy” had a poor opening weekend run at the box office. Things didn’t look good even during production when the director kept ending every scene by yelling at the Mummy “That’s a wrap!”

The Tom Cruise movie “The Mummy” had a poor opening weekend run at the box office. Although the people in Egypt where it was filmed were at least glad it was one Middle East bomb that didn’t come from ISIS.

ExxonMobil is rebutting allegations it misled investors on how it accounts for climate change risks to the company. Mostly because it is pretty apparent they have never given a second thought about how everything they do is destroying the planet.

A new car sharing service in Los Angeles will serve low-income neighborhoods. Those are the poor areas where people can only afford to buy homes in the low seven-figure range.

A new car sharing service in Los Angeles will serve low-income neighborhoods. Which is good news for the gangs in poor areas who will now be able to call for a ride when they need to do a drive-by shooting.

A new car sharing service in Los Angeles will serve low-income neighborhoods. Which until now, car sharing in poor neighborhoods referred hoping the person who stole your car was at some point going to bring it back.

A new fiduciary rule is going into effect that will help protect people’s retirement savings. Which is good news for most Americans who now won’t have to worry as much about the $37.50 they have socked away.

A new fiduciary rule is going into effect that will help protect people’s retirement savings. Which means people will be able to hang on to all that money they have put away until they make it to their projected retirement age of 93.

A study is linking mosquito spray to delayed motor skills in babies. Mostly because the spray makes it where the infants don’t get any early eye-hand coordination practice swatting away insects.

A Baltimore company is recalling a brand of birth control pills. The company is offering a 100% refund, although customers themselves will be responsible for the next 18 years of child support and college savings.

Researchers say that basketball players tweeting the night before games tend to perform poorly the next day. Which Donald Trump can testify to as every tweet loses him two popularity points and prompts the start of three new investigations.

A study links eating French fries to an increase of death. Which is why over the years McDonald’s has changed their sign to say “More than 100 Million dead.”

A study links eating French fries to an increase of death. Which a contributing factor may also be that the fries are usually eaten along with three Big Macs, a large soft drink, chocolate shake and two apple pies.

A 12 year old Mississippi girl helped her mom deliver her baby brother. Since it was in Mississippi, it turns out the baby is also her cousin, uncle, nephew and stepbrother.

Pressure in increasing on England’s Prime Minister Theresa May to resign in the wake of a disastrous election loss. To which Democrats who are hoping for a big win in 2018 are saying “Why don’t we have that rule here?”

A police report says Tiger Woods took Xanax the night he was arrested for DUI in Florida. Apparently it was to offset the anxiety he was suffering from trying to remember if he took all his painkillers, antidepressants and sleeping aids.

The NBA referee who caused the technical foul mix-up on Draymond Green says “I should have done a better job.” While he earned the respect of some fans, he put himself out of the running for ever getting a job as a CEO, journalist or member of Congress.

The NBA referee who caused the technical foul mix-up on Draymond Green says “I should have done a better job.” Now all someone needs to do to make fans feel better is have the officials in every sport repeat those exact words at the end of each athletic contest.

Golden State’s Draymond Green says the people of Cleveland “don’t seem like the sharpest people around.” Which makes Green the master of the obvious just from the fact they are all living in Cleveland.

Golden State’s Draymond Green says the people of Cleveland “don’t seem like the sharpest people around.” To which the people of Cleveland can say to someone from San Francisco at least they don’t need an NBA contract to afford to pay the rent.

Researchers say a ninth planet with a mass ten times greater than the Earth could be tilting the alignment of the orbits of the other planets around the Sun. How bad is it that now even our Solar System has a weight problem?

Researchers say a ninth planet with a mass ten times greater than the Earth could be tilting the alignment of the orbits of the other planets around the Sun. Why is it that astronomers can theorize about stars 10 Billion light years away but aren’t even sure about what is going on in their own neighborhood?

A report says Virtual Reality may find an audience at multiplex theaters. Mostly for people who want to be able to see a movie while pretending they aren’t surrounded by screaming kids, people texting on their phones or the person next to them talking through the entire film.

A report says 301 species of animals are at risk of extinction because of hunting. Although by looking at the average American’s waistline, the animals still most at risk of total eradication are pigs, cows and chickens.

Apple CEO Tim Cook told MIT graduates not to lose their humanity. Which is interesting coming from the person leading the company that makes the iPhone that has kept people staring at a screen and avoiding any actual contact with another person since 2007.

Microsoft is working on how users interact with their virtual assistant Cortana. Especially with men whose first question is always “So, what are you wearing?”

Cybersecurity experts say that news and sports websites are “vulnerable to attack.” Apparently almost as much as government, retail store, bank, military and political party websites.

Japan says it will launch a self-navigating cargo ship by 2025. To which Carnival says that is no big deal, their cruise ships have been floating around the world’s oceans by themselves for decades.

Donald Trump’s “infrastructure week” went off the rails with the Comey hearing taking the spotlight. Which actually showed that the nation’s roads, bridges and waterways are not crumbling anywhere nearly as fast the Administration.

White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Twitter account sent out some garbled messages of emojis, letters and numbers which she attributed to her 3 year old getting into her cellphone. Which is just too bad that Donald Trump doesn’t have an excuse like that to explain away the meaning of “Covfefe.”

White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Twitter account sent out some garbled messages of emojis, letters and numbers which she attributed to her 3 year old getting hold of her cellphone. Which is nowhere near the trouble created when the White House staff is unable to keep any cellphones out of the hands of Donald Trump.

Donald Trump says he is willing to testify that James Comey lied under oath at his congressional hearing. Although Trump stops short of saying he will go under oath, but will instead cross his heart, promise on his BFF ring and pinky swear.

ICE agents arrested a high school student just hours before his prom. After which all agents were told to be on the lookout for someone trying to make their way back across the border wearing a powder blue tuxedo.

Donald Trump called the UK election results “Surprising.” To which all the people in England, Ireland and Scotland are saying “Back at ya!”

A sole winning Power Ball ticket for the $447.8 Million jackpot was sold in Southern California. The winner says the money will help them accomplish their lifelong dream, giving them enough cash for a down payment on a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sad news from Hollywood with the death of TV "Batman" star Adam West. When I was in grade school, the big debate among the kids was as to whether they watched "Batman" or "Lost in Space" which came on at the same time. I was of course hooked on "Batman" which I thought was more believable than the marooned in outer space show. The funny thing is, I had no idea that "Batman" was a campy put on and I really thought it was a serious superhero show. It wasn't until years later when I was well into my 20s that I was looking at a TV Guide (remember that?) and saw "Batman" scheduled and listed as a "comedy." It was then that I realized I had been completely wrong in how I perceived the show all those years and knew the joke was on me. I blamed the Joker. Adam West was perfect for that role and unfortunately became typecast and found it hard to get any serious work after that. But time takes care of things like that and he found a late-life reprieve as a cartoon voice over artist, even landing a role playing himself as the Mayor of Quahog on "Family Guy." More kudos to Seth McFarland for giving him star status once again. As for me, I get to feel my star status when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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