Thursday, June 01, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Kathy Griffin was fired by CNN after releasing pictures showing her holding what appears to be the severed head of Donald Trump. Interestingly enough, after the public reaction against her CNN CEO Jeff Zucker called for her head.

Kathy Griffin was fired by CNN after releasing pictures showing her holding what appears to be the severed head of Donald Trump. She hosted the network’s New Year’s Eve coverage with Anderson Cooper. How bad is it when you get fired from a job that you only have to show up for one day a year?

The Army is reportedly testing fully self-driving trucks on Michigan highways. So it looks like they are literally looking to go back to that old motto of “An Army of one.”

NASA has announced a mission to send a spacecraft to “tough the Sun.” When asked how the craft will be able to withstand the Sun’s temperatures of up to 10,000 degrees, a spokesperson says the mission will be flown mostly at night.

The United Arab Emirates is reportedly planning to colonize Mars by 2117. Mostly because with no end in sight to global warming, think how much money Middle Easterners relocating to the Red Planet will save just on their air conditioning bill.

A study says people are so hooked on the Internet that withdrawal can increase their heart rate and blood pressure. Although not as much as when they are online and their wife walks in the room and sees who they are chatting with on Facebook.

A report says California homelessness is up 23% from last year. Mostly because in order to buy a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima, people are just unwilling to have to give up their yacht, Rolls Royce and country club memberships.

Thieves stole 30,000 condoms from a Las Vegas warehouse. It turns out the condoms were accidentally stored there when the delivery people misread the word “warehouse.”

Thieves stole 30,000 condoms from a Las Vegas warehouse. Apparently it was pulled off by the mob because the building’s owner wouldn’t agree to pay for protection.

300 teens were reportedly involved in a Memorial Day weekend brawl on a Jersey Shore beach. It got so bad that people actually thought it was an audition for a new version of “Jersey Shore.”

A study says humans pose an even bigger risk towards the extinction of animals. By looking at us, the animals most in danger are the cow, pig and chicken.

291 kids aged 6-15 are taking part in the National Spelling Bee. Which used to command a great deal of respect for the kids’ amazing abilities until it was all made obsolete with the invention of spell-check.

A woman believed to be walking to Canada froze to death in Minnesota. The question is, why was someone trying to get to a place where you can still freeze to death in late May?

A woman believed to be walking to Canada froze to death in Minnesota. Which is why the people of Canada see no need to build a wall to protect their borders.

A study says reliving their East Germany Communist past is helping dementia patients there. The sad part is the patients are saying that is the one part they were actually hoping to forget.

Jared Kushner is being accused of using a federal program meant for job-starved areas to get cheaper loans to build a luxury skyscraper. Their claim is the project created all kinds of jobs for butlers, personal chefs and chauffeurs.

A surge in the number of people following Donald Trump on Twitter is claimed by some to be powered by fake “bots.”  Although it could also be by people who are still trying to find out what “covfefe” is supposed to mean.

A surge in the number of people following Donald Trump on Twitter is claimed by some to be powered by fake “bots.”  It could also just be curiosity by people to see which of his tweets will be the one to actually start World War III.

Delaware topped the list of states where college students are most likely to leave after finishing college. People were surprised. There are colleges in Delaware?

Delaware topped the list of states where college students are most likely to leave after finishing college. Apparently it takes going through the process of higher education before some people realize they should be somewhere other than Delaware.

ExxonMobil shareholders are pressing the company to disclose how the Paris Climate Agreement will affect their bottom line. To which executives say it will mean their line will pretty much go straight to the bottom.

 ExxonMobil shareholders are pressing the company to disclose how the Paris Climate Agreement will affect their bottom line. To which executives are saying to stockholders, “Remember Pets.com?”

ExxonMobil shareholders are pressing the company to disclose how the Paris Climate Agreement will affect their bottom line. To which executives told them if global warming is anything like the temperature in the room, we’re all in real trouble.

Amazon has patented a shipping label that comes with a parachute for drone delivery. Mostly because it’s easier and not as scary as their original idea of having the sky dotted with planes making their deliveries with actual paratroopers.

Amazon has patented a shipping label that comes with a parachute for drone delivery. Which means it will be a good idea to stay inside on delivery day for anyone in the neighborhood who used Amazon to order their new Baby Grand piano.

A JetBlue flight was diverted after a laptop battery caught fire. Which means the DHS which has been looking for any excuse to ban laptops from flights has just found the new Shoe Bomber.

Payless ShoeSource is planning on closing 800 stores. Maybe their problem has to do with the fact that 400 of the stores were for right shoes, and the other 400 for left.

Kellogg’s is closing several distribution centers and laying off 1,000 workers. Not all employees are not taking it well. Crackle and Pop are doing OK but are worried the other one may Snap.

A university in Belgium is apologizing for suggesting women wear low cut tops on graduation day. They said they meant that women should wear low cut tops following graduation when they go on job interviews.

A report says one third of U.S. investors are helping a parent or full-grown child financially. Which makes sense as those people make up the other two thirds.

A Senator says taxpayers overpaid for EpiPens by $1 Billion over a decade. To which Mylan thanked him, saying that is why they raised the price by six times to bring it in line with their other products.

A report says doctors are concerned about the increase in marijuana use by pregnant women. Although the women say at least they aren’t using alcohol, which would be bad for the baby and is the reason they got pregnant in the first place.

A report says doctors are concerned about the increase in marijuana use by pregnant women. Especially for the women who use it because they want their child to grow like a weed.

A report says doctors are concerned about the increase in marijuana use by pregnant women. Although many didn’t even know they were pregnant and thought their desire for midnight pickles and ice cream came from smoking pot.

A study says kids who recognize snack food brands like Coca-Cola, M&Ms and KFC are more likely to obese. Especially when they also say their role models are Ronald McDonald, Wendy and Colonel Sanders.

A study says one in four people living in nursing homes have antibiotic-resistant bacteria. Which is bad news for the other three who don’t have an immune system strong enough to survive living in a nursing home.

A study says tobacco costs $1.4 Trillion worldwide every year for health care spending and lost productivity. Marijuana also costs $1.4 Trillion, which is zero for health care but the rest in absolutely no productivity.

WGN America’s “Underground” is being canceled after two seasons. “Underground” being where most shows with no ratings after two years end up.

Kathy Griffin is being supported by Senator Al Franken who says he thinks “she can recover.” The only question is recover from what and to what?

The Big 12 says it feels its system is right to get a team in the College Football Playoff. Which most people assume means they are suspending any academic requirements for all players.

Video of Tiger Woods’ DUI arrest has been released. It’s sad to remember the days when he could have looked like that and still gone out on the golf course and shot a 68.

Filipino hoops sensation Kobe Paras is looking for another chance at basketball in L.A., signing with Cal State Northridge. This is his third college, which meaning coaches are worried that like the other Kobe he can’t pass, only this time with his tests.

Filipino hoops sensation Kobe Paras is looking for another chance at basketball in L.A., signing with Cal State Northridge. The team isn’t taking any chances, making sure the college doesn’t admit any students named “Shaq.”

Jeb Bush and Derek Jeter reportedly had a falling out with Bush withdrawing from the attempt to buy the Miami Marlins. Apparently it was all about who would control the team. Who would have thought there would ever be an ego clash between a high-powered politician and professional athlete?

Charges against a Predators fan who threw a catfish on the ice in the NHL playoffs are being dropped. Apparently officials thought it would be hard to try to convict someone for throwing a fish while looking the other way during the 12 blood-soaked brawls that break out on the ice every game.

Charges against a Predators fan who threw a catfish on the ice in the NHL playoffs are being dropped. Apparently putting the fan away for six months for throwing a fish seemed a bit harsh compared to the people on the ice knocking out an opponent’s teeth and getting two minutes in the penalty box.

Uber reported quarterly losses of $708 Million. How are they losing money giving rides to people? It seems like you could run a company where people just picked up hitchhikers and not go that far into the red.

 JetBlue will test facial recognition for people boarding flights. As opposed to United which can only recognize people by the soles of their feet while they are being dragged off a flight.

Thousands of hacked plastic surgery photos have been published online. It is the biggest display of reconstructive surgery since Cher’s former agent released all her old headshots.

The White House has reportedly given ethics waivers to 17 appointees. Which until now were just assumed to be only given to those on the Communications Staff.

The White House has reportedly given ethics waivers to 17 appointees including Kellyanne Conway and Reince Priebus. To which most of them are nervously asking if that means the same thing as immunity from prosecution.

Joe Biden has created a Political Action Committee to help Democrats win elections. Which means the money will be used mostly to fund an effort to get rid of the Electoral College.

A survey says most Americans feel Donald Trump is his own worst spokesman. Tying for second are Kellyanne Conway, Sean Spicer, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Corey Lewandowski, Reince Priebus, Steve Bannon, Hope Hicks…

A survey says most Americans feel Donald Trump is his own worst spokesman. What’s worse is it isn’t his mouth that gets him in trouble as much as when he lets his fingers do the talking on Twitter.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog. Don’t forget to tell your friends about it as long as you don’t mind them not being your friends anymore after they log in. There are plenty of jokes for everyone. Above all, make sure to remember to always keep on sending the love!


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