Tuesday, May 09, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Iran is reportedly testing high-speed torpedoes. The only question is how are they going to launch them from their fleet of military donkeys?

Bill Clinton is teaming up to write a novel with James Patterson called “The President is Missing.” To which Hillary Clinton says it’s already been done, only her version is called “My Years As First Lady.”

Researchers say ancient Stone Age humans were budding musicians 1.75 Million years ago. Which shows how determined they were as it took Keith Richards all the way to the 1960s before feeling ready enough to record an album.

A new broccoli pill is said to prevent deaths from strokes. Which is good because most people would rather take the stroke than have to eat an entire plate of broccoli.

A stock market “fear gauge” is nearing its 1993 low. Mostly because it’s tough to scare anyone who is still in the market after what they went through in 2007.

A report says there are 43 possible candidates for the 2020 Democratic Party nomination for President. Which gives Democrats a full three and a half years to narrow it down to find the one most likely to lost the election.

Shaquille O’Neal says he would like to run for Sheriff, but he doesn’t say where. Shaq would make a great law enforcement officer, as long as he doesn’t have to try to shoot anyone from 15 feet away.

A report says some universities are offering students chocolate, therapy dogs and video games as ways to cope with finals. Or they could just tell them to go to the library and try to study for a while.

A lawsuit claims biotech giant Monsanto is hiring trolls to counter negative posts about the company online. Which is much less efficient than how Donald Trump has dealt with the problem by just hiring Sean Spicer.

A report says the “Trump effect” is driving couples who can’t agree politically to divorce court. Although to really be considered a true Trump effect, it would involve people who are making it at least divorce number two.

Former acting Attorney General Sally Yates says she warned the White House that Michael Flynn was a risk to be blackmailed by Russia. Which Yates knows first hand about after being told to either obey a White House order or be looking for a new job.

Former acting Attorney General Sally Yates says she warned the White House that Michael Flynn was a risk to be blackmailed by Russia. That was dismissed by the Russians who say they already got what they wanted when they made Donald Trump President.

An American Airlines flight was diverted when a light came on warning a cabin door was not properly secured. Apparently it may have become unlocked after being hit by a flight attendant swinging a stroller at a passenger.

Thousands of people are being evacuated after World War II bombs were found in Germany. To which Donald Trump says they should just leave them in place so they can be used when he starts World War III.

A report says President Obama warned Donald Trump about hiring Michael Flynn. Which fell on deaf ears with Trump being the same person who also hired Sean Spicer, Steve Bannon, Jared Kushner, Betsy DeVos, Steve Mnuchin…

The Ukraine has banned actor Steven Seagal, labeling him as a “National security threat.” Mostly from his reputation of placing bombs in thousands of movie theaters around the world.

The life expectancy in Colorado is as much as 20 years longer than in some other parts of the country. That will change with the legalization of pot there that will increase the sales of pizza, Oreos and Doritos enough to take at least 15 years of that life expectancy right off the top.

The life expectancy in Colorado is as much as 20 years longer than in some other parts of the country. Of course, every state can say the same thing as long as the other part of the country they are compared to is Flint, Michigan.

A study says the Internet is making people lose trust in their doctor. The good news is that it won’t matter soon when Donald Trump’s health care plan makes it so no one can ever afford to see their doctor again anyway.

A study blames working mothers for childhood obesity. Which apparently could be solved if they didn’t have that paycheck that allows them to bring food into their home.

A study blames working mothers for childhood obesity. Apparently the solution for all those hours spent in the office with no one at home to supervise their children is to at least invest in a good padlock for the refrigerator.

A survey says two thirds of U.S. adults are planning to work past retirement age. The other third say that depends of whether they make it all the way to their estimated retirement age of 93.

Warren Buffett says “Guys like me” will benefit from the Trump health care plan. Mostly because guys like him who are 86 years old will be the ones taking up all the resources of any health care plan.

Delta Airlines canceled a planned “media day” following bad publicity over airline customer service. Unfortunately for the airlines, passengers taking videos of people being thrown and dragged off flights has made every day “media day.”

An Austrian court has told Facebook they must delete all hate speech posts from their site. How bad have things gotten when even Austria says they are offended by what is going online?

The owners of the giant rabbit that died on a United Airlines flight are considering legal action. United CEO Oscar Munoz says he isn’t worried about what could happen because whenever he goes into court, he always brings his lucky rabbit’s foot.

Comcast and Charter cable companies are partnering to offer wireless service to give consumers a choice over wireless giants like AT&T and Sprint. Which most people feel is about the same as being given the choice between Ebola and Anthrax.

Uber is setting up an Artificial Intelligence lab in Toronto. Whenever they actually ever develop any intelligence, the first thing they are going to do is try to download some of it into their CEO Travis Kalanick.

Warren Buffett says low ticket prices may make airplanes “like cattle cars.” Which is how out of touch you become when you have $75 Billion and haven’t actually flown commercial since 1973.

A passenger is suing American Airlines after being forced to sit between two obese fliers on a 14 hour flight. The obese bookended passengers were bad enough, but the worst part was that the 14 hour flight was from New York City to Boston.

A passenger is suing American Airlines after being forced to sit between two obese fliers on a 14 hour flight. The airlines have found that trapping passengers between obese seatmates makes it where they can’t get struggle when they are being dragged off a flight.

A survey says half of all non-homeowners expect to buy a house within five years. By then they should have enough saved up for a down payment after not having to make any mortgage payments since being foreclosed back in 2008.

A study says EpiPens are still potent four years after their expiration date. Which is good news because after Mylan jacked the price up to $600 a pop, it takes four years for most people to save up enough money to buy one.

The death of an 85 year old climber on Mt. Everest is sparking debate about an age limit for climbing the peak. The mountain didn’t kill him. At that age he could have dropped dead pulling weeds in his garden.

A study says THC, the active ingredient in marijuana can improve a person’s memory. Which is good news for the people who are finally starting to remember what happened back in 1968.

A study says an “astounding” number of preschoolers have undiagnosed vision problems. Mostly because they never actually look at anything farther away than the cellphone, computer or video game screen that is six inches from their face.

A study says an “astounding” number of preschoolers have undiagnosed vision problems. Which is hard to believe because they never have a problem spotting a donut sitting on a table clear across the room.

A study says violent deaths are more common in western states. Although it wouldn’t be that noticeable if they didn’t include the people killed in crashes during rush hour on the 405 Freeway.

Richard Simmons is suing the National Enquirer and Radar Online over stories of “shocking sex surgery.” Mostly because the least shocking news to anyone would be Richard Simmons having sex surgery.

Kelly Ripa and Wyclef Jean have been inducted into the New Jersey Hall of Fame. New Jersey natives qualify by living in the state at least 40 years and not being fished out of the Hudson River.

Emma Watson has won the first MTV Gender Neutral acting prize. Which is ironic that MTV is handing them out now as they previously would have gone to pretty much anyone appearing in a 1980s music video.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has signed a bill limiting the amount of speaking fees universities can pay after Snooki from “Jersey Shore” was paid $32,000 to talk at Rutgers. The university justified the amount, saying it was an educational exercise for language majors to try to decipher primitive forms of communication.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has signed a bill limiting the amount of speaking fees universities can pay after Snooki from “Jersey Shore” was paid $32,000 to talk at Rutgers. Apparently the University just wanted to showcase someone from New Jersey who could say something besides “What are you looking at?” and “Are you talking to ME?”

Tony Romo failed to advance into the next round of U.S. Open gold qualifying with a late-round triple bogey. Just like with his football career, some badly timed errors made for an early retirement.

Former Montreal Canadiens owner David Molson has died at age 88. His family says the brewery family heir will be put on ice and then placed into the ground to be properly recycled.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I had a nice treat last night. Larry Handley, A good friend of mine that I used to work with back in Orlando, Florida forecasting the weather back in the 1990s at WFTV was in town and my daughter and I were able to get together with him and his wife Debi for a nice dinner. Broadcasting is a rough business but occasionally you do get to meet some great people and Larry is definitely one of them. It’s nice to have friends who live hundreds of miles away but you still manage to get together every once in awhile and know they will be a friend the rest of your life. I had a great time and just wish the dinner could have gone on a few hours more. Larry is one of the smart ones who got out of the business and looks like he is happier than ever. Fortunately, I have this site to keep me going and all of you, who always make me feel great whenever you all remember to keep on sending the love!



3 comments:

LittleBrownDogProductions said...

Gotta tell you...the last paragraph isn't as funny as all the others! But it means a bunch. Sending the love my friend. So thankful our paths crossed in Orlando, FL and we have stayed in touch since! Proud of you and the challenges you have faced and conquered! Keep on slaying!

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benson said...

I have a friend, too, that's been doing the weather in Orlando, for a while now. (She was one of the two pregnant forecasters when the hurricane came through, and it got some national press.)

When she took the gig, I told her, for the rest of your time in Orlando, you'll be saying Partly sunny, scattered afternoon thunderstorms and a high of 85. Every single day.

Am I wrong?

Anyway, thanks for the jokes. Sending the good wishes.