Sunday, May 07, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A group says cartoonists are the first victims of a crackdown on the free press. Mostly because politicians know that it’s too difficult for most people to actually sit down with a newspaper and read the articles.

A group says cartoonists are the first victims of a crackdown on the free press. That’s what happens when you start drawing unflattering pictures of Donald Trump.

A study says swearing makes people stronger and increases stamina. Which means that Mel Gibson will be around making movies until he is well into his 90s.

A Danish brewery is producing a Pilsner beer made with recycled urine. Which is full circle since urine is usually just made of recycled beer.

A theme park in Japan offers a “fight with bad guys” service for men so they can impress their dates. Although that may not be enough to overcome how wimpy they look taking a date to a theme park in the first place.

California is planning to tax space travel by the mile. The good news for NASA is that so far their launches usually get no farther than about three miles before their rockets explode.

A porn star in the UK on an underwater shoot was bitten on the leg by a shark. That violated the first rule of porn movies to never go swimming in a place where there isn’t immediate access to a pool boy.

A study says talking to oneself could be an indication of a high IQ. Which is interesting as I was just telling myself the other day I had been reading about that and I answered that I had heard that myself somewhere.

An author says slowing down and doing less is the way to achieve greatness. Which explains why so many people are familiar with the name of Tim Tebow.

An author says slowing down and doing less is the way to achieve greatness. Apparently he is writing a book on how to become a CEO.

North Korea is accusing the U.S. of an assassination attempt against Kim Jong-un. Which it turns out was just HBO in North Korea airing a screening of the movie “The Interview.”

North Korea is accusing the U.S. of an assassination attempt against Kim Jong-un. Although the question is, would getting rid of Kim Jong-un really be considered an assassination or more of a “diplomatic intervention”?

Puerto Rico says it will close 179 public schools. Not from its economic crisis, but because they apparently also put Betsy DeVos in charge of their Department of Education.

The TSA says passengers leave a “lot of stuff” behind at airport checkpoints. Mostly their patience, temper and self-respect.

The TSA says passengers leave a “lot of stuff” behind at airport checkpoints. Mostly as a diversion to keep TSA agents occupied while the passengers are able to get away and run to their plane.

Donald Trump has signed a $1 Trillion spending bill to keep the government open. Isn’t keeping the government running pretty much exactly the opposite of what he promised?

Donald Trump has signed a $1 Trillion spending bill to keep the government open. Which for $1 Trillion is good news for people knowing the government is funded to operate at least through the next week.

Former Wells Fargo workers say they targeted certain groups, including Native Americans with their fake accounts scam. Isn’t it time to let go of the grudge over what happened to some of the company’s stagecoach shotgun riders?

The U.S. unemployment rate is at a ten year low at 4.4%. Mostly because the other 95.6% find they have to work three different minimum wage jobs to make ends meet.

Crayola is taking suggestions for the name of its new blue Crayon. So far the overwhelming favorite is to name it after the person most associated with the product and call it the “George W. Bush.”

A report says the rate of older workers is at its highest since 1962. The worst part is that is the same year some of the people still not financially able to retire first entered the work force.

A report says the rate of older workers is at its highest since 1962. Mostly the college graduating class of 1962 who are having to work for another 30 years to pay off their kids’ tuition loans.

A report says consumer borrowing in March jumped by $16.4 Billion. Which is always a good sign the economy has recovered when Americans have the confidence to go back up to their eyeballs in debt.

A report says hardly anyone will own a car by 2030. Mostly from driverless vehicles, ride sharing and because of the slow economy everyone’s autos will have been repossessed by 2025.

The Los Angeles tourism board is spelling out that everyone is welcome to their city. Especially the people from other countries and cultures who are needed to cook, clean and mow the lawns of the wealthy.

The Los Angeles tourism board is spelling out that everyone is welcome to their city. Which is nice to know that a tourism board welcomes people who aren’t from the area, who are otherwise known as “tourists.”

A study says pot is a factor in an increase in ER admissions for teens in Colorado. Mostly the stoned teens who confuse the line of cars at the ER for a drive-thru fast food lane.

Donald Trump is reportedly planning to slash the budget for the drug czar by 95%. Mostly because of complaints that teaching kids to stop using drugs is really starting to cut into the profit margin of Big Pharma.

Donald Trump is reportedly planning to slash the budget for the drug czar by 95%. Most after Trump found out that even though the position is called a “czar,” it actually has nothing to do with anyone in Russia.

Scientists say they have identified a molecule responsible for much of the weight gain in middle age. Apparently it is the dough molecule found inside every Domino’s Pizza.

Scientists say they have identified a molecule responsible for much of the weight gain in middle age. Which must have been really hard to find that one molecule hiding along with the other ten billion molecules of fat under most people’s skin.

A report says 1 in 4 Americans were served tap water that was unsafe or not properly monitored in 2015. No one had any idea that many people had water lines that originated out of Flint, Michigan.

A study says that knees that “pop,” “click” or “crackle” may be headed towards arthritis. Or they might just be telling the person they may need to think about losing a few pounds.

A study says 16 children are hospitalized every day in the U.S. because of gunshot wounds. Remember when parents thought it was enough discipline just to spank their kids?

A study says 16 children are hospitalized every day in the U.S. because of gunshot wounds. Looking back, the days when kids just got wedgies from the bullies doesn’t seem all that bad.

Donald Trump says the Australian health care system is better than that in the U.S. Mostly because a 4 year old with a toy doctor bag offers better health care than most people can get in the U.S.

A report says Americans with severe illnesses are anxious about the GOP health care plan. Mostly because the only pre-existing condition that is covered is the people who were born wealthy.

The FDA is warning of health dangers with tattoos. In a related story, they also say it is a bad idea to be hit with a car, be shot by a gun and jump off a building.

The FDA is warning of health dangers with tattoos. Which is a tough sell, because who wouldn’t want to be as healthy-looking as all the guys in Motley Crue?

A study says handheld screen use by toddlers is linked to speech delays. Parents should become concerned when their child’s first words are “Super Mario Brothers.”

Nike is launching a project to break the 2 hour Marathon mark. Apparently they are telling all the Marathoners they sponsor to “start running faster.”

Nike is launching a project to break the 2 hour Marathon mark. Which they have pretty much turned over to the Nike division working out of Kenya.

The FCC is reviewing complaints that a Stephen Colbert joke about Donald Trump violated decency rules. Which they will investigate thoroughly once they finally make a decision on the Janet Jackson Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction in 2004.

The FCC is reviewing complaints that a Stephen Colbert joke about Donald Trump violated decency rules. People were surprised at the news. Since when has the FCC had any rules?

The FCC is reviewing complaints that a Stephen Colbert joke about Donald Trump violated decency rules. After that is done they will investigate Conan O’Brien’s jokes to see if they can find one that was actually funny.

“Walking Dead” star Josh McDermitt has quit social media after getting death threats. The legal question here would be is it even possible to make death threats against someone who is technically undead?

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says the league is considering guidelines for racist taunts. Although are there really any guidelines needed when it comes to dealing with racist taunts? Aren’t they all pretty much just not allowed?

Adolph Kiefer, who was America’s oldest living Olympic gold medalist has died at age 98. He won his medal in the 100 meter backstroke at the 1936 Games in Berlin, which also explains why he was the last American medalist named “Adolph.”

USA Today is asking the FBI to probe a rise of fake Facebook followers. Mostly because it’s doubtful that anyone has a Facebook account originating in an airport or hotel room, which are the only places that anyone has ever seen a USA Today.

A report says legal battles and ethics issues are putting Uber’s future at risk. How bad is it when people are reconsidering that it might not be such a bad alternative to get around town to just go back to hitchhiking?

Facebook is reportedly working on debuting premium TV shows. The question is how good are they going to be coming from the same company that brought us “Farmville,” fake news and endless cat videos?

A survey says most households in the U.S. have traded in their landlines for mobile phones. Mostly when people finally figured out that besides watching movies and playing video games on, their mobile devices could also be used as phones.

Donald Trump says his spending the weekend in New Jersey instead of in New York City will save taxpayers money. Which people don’t really care about since no matter where he is it costs us less in every way than when he is at the White House.

Todd Stern, the U.S. negotiator of the Paris Climate Agreement says pulling out would do “enormous damage.” Which is going to be tough to convince a country it is damaging itself when it had no problem electing Donald Trump as President.

A report says the 11 states with the most people with pre-existing conditions that could be hurt by Donald Trump’s health care plan voted for him for President. Which means that the most expensive and incurable pre-existing condition of all is “Trump supporter.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a good weekend and are ready to get back to the real world and once again be assaulted with the latest round of my jokes. I am glad you make the effort to log in here every day. Feel free to send in some questions or make any comments, they are always appreciated. The best way to reach me is to e-mail me at jimbarach@hotmail.com. I love to hear from you, good or bad. But not bad. It doesn’t get any better than when all of you remember to make sure to always keep on sending the love!



1 comment:

Loan Offer said...

My name is Mrs Sharon Sim. I live in Singapore and i am a happy woman today? and i told my self that any lender that rescue my family from our poor situation, i will refer any person that is looking for loan to him, he gave me happiness to me and my family, i was in need of a loan of S$250,000.00 to start my life all over as i am a single mother with 3 kids I met this honest and GOD fearing man loan lender that help me with a loan of S$250,000.00 SG. Dollar, he is a GOD fearing man, if you are in need of loan and you will pay back the loan please contact him tell him that is Mrs Sharon, that refer you to him. contact Dr Purva Pius,via email:(urgentloan22@gmail.com)