Friday, May 05, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...i

Pope Francis I is set to meet with Donald Trump later this month when Trump visits the Vatican. The Pope has already set aside 18 hours of his time just to schedule a confession.

Pope Francis I is set to meet with Donald Trump later this month when Trump visits the Vatican. There could be some awkward moments as the two have already clashed on issues. Mainly the one where the Pope claims he has a direct pipeline to God and Trump says that job belongs to the White House Chief of Staff.

A survey says political talk at work is causing problems with arguments in the office. Which is ironic because the only people being fired these days are at Fox News where they all actually agree on everything.

A study says peak loneliness for men is at age 35. That’s when most men feel they are too old to be on Tinder but too young to be hanging out playing Bingo.

A study says peak loneliness for men is at age 35. For many, that is that insecure time right between marriages number two and three.

A sandstorm originating in Mongolia engulfed Beijing this week. The visibility was so bad that people there could barely even see the smog.

A man in Italy reportedly killed a woman neighbor because she taught her parrot to insult him. During the attack, he could be heard yelling “Call me ‘pretty bird,’ will you?”

A man in Italy reportedly killed a woman neighbor because she taught her parrot to insult him. During the attack, he could be heard yelling “I don’t care what Polly wants, and who are you calling a ‘cracker’?”

A family was kicked off a Delta Airlines flight out of Hawaii for refusing to give up the seat of their two year old child. Apparently Delta workers were tired of United and American getting all the free publicity on the news every night.

A survey says Germans laugh less now than they did during the Cold War. To which Donald Trump is saying “See? They were all much happier when they had a wall.”

A survey says Germans laugh less now than they did during the Cold War. Which is scary because the last time they were this serious was when they were goose stepping across the border of Poland.

A Russian man was arrested at an airport in Amsterdam carrying snakes, frogs and lizards in his backpack. Airline officials told the man there were signs up all over which clearly state “No outside snacks.”

Plastic surgeons say that more people recently are asking for the Ivanka Trump look. Which ironically was achieved by Ivanka by going through several procedures of plastic surgery.

Plastic surgeons say that more people recently are asking for the Ivanka Trump look. They are not getting as many requests for the Donald Trump look as it is just too hard to surgically attach a wolverine to someone’s head.

A Mississippi funeral home is being sued for refusing to cremate a gay man. The funeral director is asking why he needs to be burned now after spending his whole life as a flamer.

Donald Trump says he misses driving, which he has had to give up since becoming President. Although most people are more concerned that he still has his hands on the wheel while he is steering the country right towards World War III.

Prince Philip of England is retiring at age 95. To which most people are saying “Retiring from what?”

Snapchat is planning on developing original shows with episodes lasting five minutes. How short is the attention span of Millennials when they can’t even make it all the way through a half hour TV sitcom?

Canada is recalling a brand of gin that contains too much alcohol. To which most Canadians are saying it’s only too much when it goes over 100%.

Canada is recalling a brand of gin that contains too much alcohol. Although there is a simple solution to lower the level of alcohol by just mixing it down with some Coors Light.

American Airlines is cutting legroom by lowering the distance between seats to 29”. Which means the only way for passengers to be able to stretch their legs is when the airport police are dragging them off the plane.

The GOP health care bill is being called “harmful” and “shameful” by some medical groups. To which House Republicans are saying just wait until they are done with the tax code, immigration and the economy.

A study says teens suffering from depression are not likely to tell their parents and if they do may use confusing language. In other words, it will be like dealing with any other issue with a teenager.

Donald Trump says the health care debate has brought Republicans together. Mostly because nothing gets them mobilized and in unity when it comes to the chance to go see their doctor and not have to look at a bunch of poor people in the waiting room.

A British report says dental phobia can have a major impact on a person’s quality of life. Although it isn’t the dentist most people are afraid of, it’s the postman who eventually brings them the dental bill.

A British report says dental phobia can have a major impact on a person’s quality of life. Fortunately for most Brits, that fear lasts only until they are 10 while they still have some of their teeth.

A study says one in five people at high risk of a heart attack don’t think they need to change their habits. Mostly because it’s would just be too hard to pick between which of their stress, alcohol, smoking, high blood pressure, diabetes, sedentary lifestyle and obesity to start working on first.

A study by the American heart Association says walking is as good as running to lower the risk of heart attacks. Except when the walking takes you from Pizza Hut down to the nearest Baskin-Robbins.

A study says smoking while pregnant may not lead to mental illness for children. Other than the mental illness they might inherit from having a mother who sees nothing wrong with smoking while she is pregnant.

A report says the U.S. uninsured rate has edged up slightly this year. Which will be much easier to track when Republicans pass their health care reform bill and just add another even 20 Million.

Posters are out for the new movie “Blade Runner 2049” with Ryan Gosling and Harrison Ford. Coincidentally, 2049 is the year Ford has already signed on to play Han Solo in “Star Wars 27.”

Richard Gere says he will “never run for public office.” Mostly because his role in “American Gigolo” does qualify him to be a politician but makes for a much better fit as a commentator at Fox News.

“American Idol” is close to finalizing a deal for a 2018 revival on ABC. Although with Donald Trump, Sean Spicer and Steve Bannon on the news every night, who needs another round of Simon Cowell?

“American Idol” is close to finalizing a deal for a 2018 revival on ABC. If ABC is picking up the leftovers from Fox, that could mean we might soon be watching Bill O’Reilly, Megyn Kelly and Sarah Palin over on “World News Tonight.”

Cher will be honored at the 2017 Billboard Music Awards. She will receive an award for her career longevity, her inspiration to other performers and for having more vinyl inside her than all of the albums she sold through the 1970s.

A report says the “Star Wars” franchise has grossed $7.5 Billion at the worldwide box office. That doesn’t even count the impact on the economy from all the Coleman tents and lanterns that were bought so they could camp out for weeks at a time at theaters to be the first to get tickets for each new release.

Kendall Jenner has reportedly been dating rapper A$AP Rocky in secret. Fans are concerned for her well being. They have never seen anyone from the Kardashian actually do anything that wasn’t plastered all over their reality shows, Twitter or Snapchat.

Kate Upton has reportedly signed on with a new management team. The question is, who was her old manager and how could you possibly be fired because you weren’t able to get enough work or money for Kate Upton?

A jewelry store in Tokyo is offering a 24 karat gold Darth Vader mask for $1.4 Million. Which isn’t really a lot when you consider anyone interested in it won’t be buying anything else at a jewelry store like say, an engagement ring.

Taylor Swift is back on social media following two months of silence. Fans were concerned. Two months with no albums or posts on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter means that is the longest stretch she has ever had between boyfriends.

Miley Cyrus says she has gone three weeks, her longest stretch ever without smoking pot. The only problem is that without being stoned all the time, she found she had to spend all kinds of money to buy a wardrobe that had something other than underwear.

A group headed by Mitt Romney’s son Tagg has outbid the $1.3 Billion offer for the Florida Marlins by a group led by Jeb Bush. Which means it could be déjà vu all over again of the primary season for Bush, dumping a ton of money in Florida and walking away with nothing.

A group headed by Mitt Romney’s son Tagg has outbid the $1.3 Billion offer for the Florida Marlins by a group led by Jeb Bush. It seems the Romneys are just meant to own a baseball team when two members of the family are named “Mitt” and “Tagg.”

Two fans were struck by a bat in the stands at a Padres game. The team issued a statement wishing for a full recovery for the spectators and congratulating the batter on finally making some solid contact.

Carolina Panthers offensive tackle Michael Oher was cited for assaulting an Uber driver. The company condemned the action, saying attacking drivers is strictly the job of CEO Travis Kalanick.

Carolina Panthers offensive tackle Michael Oher was cited for assaulting an Uber driver. Fortunately the driver was able to get away by hiding where the 6’4” 315 pound player had no chance of reaching him, in the back seat of his Prius.

Donkey Kong, Halo, Pokemon and Street Fighter II have all been inducted into the World Video Game Hall of Fame. It’s the one where there are no tours or exhibits. Instead, visitors get the full effect of gaming by being led to a couch they get to sit on for nine straight hours.

Donald Trump told the Prime Minister of Australia that they have better health care than the U.S. Which he will be able to say to the leaders of every other country in the world once he finally gets his health care bill passed.

A report says former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes hired Bo Dietl to discredit sexual harassment claimants at the network. Who knew that when Fox boasted of its top-notch investigative team, they were talking about a private gumshoe?

A study says Donald Trump is on pace to be the most joked-about President in late-night TV history. When Trump said he was going to bring back jobs to America, no one even thought he was talking about comedy writers.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This comedy writer has certainly gotten a lot of material from the Orange One-in-Chief. Although it isn’t a job. Yet. I keep holding onto the dream that one day someone will pay me for this stuff. It could happen. Hey, Ray Kroc made billions of dollars selling McDonald’s. At least it keeps me busy. It also keeps you, my readers occupied wondering which one of these is supposed to be the funny one? I always like hearing from you, good or bad. Or good. Feel free to drop a line to me at jimbarach@hotmail.com I will always write back. My only real reward from this exercise in futility is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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