Thursday, May 04, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The New York Times reported its greatest quarterly growth in six years. Which means Donald Trump was right when he said he would singlehandedly be responsible for bringing back American business.

FBI Director James Comey says he was “mildly nauseous” over the idea that he influenced the presidential election. Which may just be the early symptoms of the radiation poisoning we will all experience after the election’s winner starts a global nuclear war.

FBI Director James Comey says he was “mildly nauseous” over the idea that he influenced the presidential election. Which was exactly the same feeling everyone else had when they realized their vote in November was doing the same thing.

The University of Iowa is training students on white privilege. To which all the students there are looking around saying “There are people who aren’t white?”

Sean Hannity reportedly told his staff he is not negotiating his exit. Which for other Fox News personalities apparently means sitting down with the network to determine how much they will pay for any sexual harassment lawsuits.

Sean Hannity reportedly told his staff he is not negotiating his exit. Apparently he is waiting to get an offer from another network looking for just the right combination of hate, vitriol and distortion of the facts.

A Kentucky woman claimed she was Hillary Clinton when pulled over by police for a DUI. They knew she was lying because Hillary’s “Scooby” van went careening off the road and has pretty much been undriveable since back in October.

Puerto Rico has declared a form of bankruptcy. Although the question is how many forms of bankruptcy are there? It’s the one where they have all kinds of debt and no money.

Puerto Rico has declared a form of bankruptcy. Fortunately, it’s the Caribbean island type of bankruptcy where they try to reorganize their finances and not the U.S. type where anyone trying to collect on the debt will crash the global economy.

The military science branch reportedly wants to “hack” the human brain to be able to upload skills without requiring any learning process. Although with Donald Trump as Commander-In-Chief what is there to learn about warfare? It’s pretty much “Drop nuclear bomb. Done.”

Student protesters have taken over the UC Santa Cruz administration building. Which is good news for the people who wanted Donald Trump to take America back to when it was great and think that was right around 1968.

A report says the U.S. has not found “one dollar” of drug lord El Chapo’s money. Apparently investigators have been completely stumped as he put all his cash into one of those phony Wells Fargo accounts.

A proposed law will allow Greeks free gender determination. Although anyone with knowledge of the history of what goes on with the Greeks will be asking “what’s the difference?”

An Indiana teenager is graduating college before she finishes high school. Mostly because the majority of Indiana school districts don’t go any higher than the 5th grade.

An Indiana teenager is graduating college before she finishes high school. Which isn’t that unusual. The people of Indiana do a lot before graduating high school, like get married, have a career and die.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson says the U.S. won’t insist that foreign countries adopt our values or rights. Mostly because those nations would resist having to drop their universal health care, retirement pensions and free college tuition.

This year marks the 39th anniversary of the first spam e-mail. To mark the occasion, millions of people were offered special deals on Viagra, subprime mortgage loans and a job making big money working from home.

American Airlines says it will shrink its seats in coach down to a width of 29”. Apparently it was requested by flight attendants so passengers will not be able to get up out of their seats while they try to hit them with a baby stroller.

American Airlines says it will shrink its seats in coach down to a width of 29”. Which was great timing to announce that right at the moment when people are already so happy with the way the airlines are treating everyone.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson says there is “almost no trust” between the U.S. and Russia at the current time. Apparently after they helped elect Donald Trump as our President, they are extremely worried about what we might do to get them back.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson says there is “almost no trust” between the U.S. and Russia at the current time. The good news is that means that nothing has really changed since about 1946.

James Comey says the decision to reopen the Hillary Clinton e-mail investigation made him choose between “really bad” and “catastrophic.” Which was exactly the same choice for all voters who had to pick between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

The former business manager of Alanis Morissette has pleaded guilty to stealing $7 Million from her and other clients. Although you would think he would not have gotten close to her personal assets if he had ever actually read the lyrics to “You Oughta Know.”

A Baylor University fraternity has been suspended after holding a Mexican-themed “Cinco de Drinko” party. The worst part is that they actually got credit for using it as a cultural project for Spanish 101.

A survey says half of all doctors get money and gifts from drug manufacturers. The other half get money and gifts for the business they generate from all the rehab clinics.

Donald Trump is set to meet with lawmakers in an attempt to pass his health care legislation. Although most experts say the bill is as dead as most the patients that it would have covered if it ever passed.

A study says healthy eating is linked to a lower likelihood of depression. Especially for the people who feel happy that their image can fit all the way into just one dressing room mirror.

A study says healthy eating is linked to a lower likelihood of depression. Especially for the people who when they want to check their weight have to walk past the bathroom and get in the car to drive to the nearest truck scales.

Chris Rock discussed his divorce in an interview, saying he wants to “find peace.” He is looking for the total isolation that he hasn’t been able to achieve since theaters were still holding screenings of “Pootie Tang.”

Hulu is launching a streaming TV service that would allow them to compete with cable companies for $39.99 a month. To really compete with cable, after a year that price will then jump to $150 a month.

Selena Gomez says about her career that she “would be fine” if it all went away. Which is exactly the same thing everyone else has been saying for years about Justin Bieber.

Salma Hayek reveals she has a terrible case of stage fright. You would, too if you went in front of an audience fearing that you might be introduced as one of the stars of “Grown Ups 2.”

Doc Rivers says blowing up the L.A. Clippers “would not be the right decision.” To which most fans are saying “You mean they didn’t already do it?”

Kobe Bryant is helping Isaiah Thomas with scouting and what to watch on film. To save time they are watching game films where any clips of players passing the ball have been edited out.

Former Dallas quarterback Tony Romo will play in U.S. Open golf qualifying on Monday. He should feel right at home on the course as there is usually a bench placed at every tee.

Orioles pitcher Kevin Gausman was ejected from a game after hitting a batter with a 76 mile an hour curveball. That’s like someone charging the mound after an inside pitch during batting practice.

Orioles pitcher Kevin Gausman was ejected from a game after hitting a batter with a 76 mile an hour curveball. Or as San Diego pitcher Jered Weaver calls that, bringing the high heat.

Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott is the first rookie to ever lead the NFL in merchandise sales. Except for Johnny Manziel who still leads the league in merchandise sales for drug paraphernalia, autographed mug photos and shot glasses.

Tim Cook says Apple is creating a $1 Billion fund to help bring manufacturing jobs back to the U.S. Or they could have just started by bring back the thousands of jobs making Apple products they have outsourced over the years to China, India and South Korea.

A judge says Waymo lacks a “smoking gun” in its lawsuit against Uber over self-driving car technology. Uber drivers have found the only way to find a smoking gun at their company is to get into an argument with CEO Travis Kalanick.

A study finds that female dragonflies play dead to avoid amorous males. To which Bill Cosby says that has never stopped him.

Facebook says it is nearing 2 Billion monthly users. Which means the other 5 Billion on the planet actually have a life.

Facebook has added 3,000 workers to screen for hate speech, violence and inappropriate content. Apparently they will all just look for any posts that contain the word “Trump.”

Facebook has advertised an internship that pays $8,000 a month. Which in Silicon Valley is just an impressive way of saying the person will work for minimum wage.

Facebook has advertised an internship that pays $8,000 a month. The worst part is that it includes having to dress, prepare and cook all of the animals killed by Mark Zuckerberg.

Facebook has advertised an internship that pays $8,000 a month. The reason for the salary will become apparent when the intern finds out their entire day will be spent listening to Mark Zuckerberg practicing speaking Mandarin.

A report says the U.S. high school graduation rate is 83.2%. How bad is it that the other 16.8% can’t even show up enough to write their names on a few test papers and still qualify to get a diploma?

A report says the U.S. high school graduation rate is 83.2%. Mostly because the other 16.8% are getting a head start on the same career the graduates will have by taking an early position behind the counter at the local 7-Eleven.

The Chinese government has issued new regulations tightening control of online news content. To which Donald Trump is saying to the FCC “What am I paying you guys to do all day?”

Donald Trump told the Palestinian Authority leader he is “personally committed” to peace in the Middle East. Which anyone who thinks there will ever be peace in the Middle East should be committed.

Melania Trump sent Pam Anderson a thank you note for a coat she gave her from her faux fur line. Trump says she loves faux fur as it is good for the environment, humane and reminds her of how it feels to run her fingers through Donald’s hair.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I just keep cranking them out. On Tuesday I set a personal record for the number of jokes written in one day at 67. I followed that with a Wednesday total of 57. Yes, I count them. They are like my children, if I were a guppy. If you managed to read every one, that means you found all three that were actually funny. I do this for fun because no one will pay me for them. But I get my reward every time you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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