Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un flaunted a precision missile test warning of a “bigger gift package” for the U.S. Is that a threat of war or is he just reading off an AC/DC lyrics sheet?

A report says the iPhone could soon be fitted for Artificial Intelligence. Which would come in handy for the millions of people who lose all their intelligence the minute they start looking at their phone screen.

British Airways faces an inquest after stranding 75,000 passengers over the weekend. Which is ironic considering there would be a similar inquest if United Airlines stranded 75,000 over a weekend to find out how they became so much more efficient.

Robert De Niro says the U.S. has become a “tragic, dumbass comedy.” And this from the person who agreed to star in “Dirty Grandpa.”

State Police in Iowa arrested a driver for going 144 mph. No one had any idea it was possible to get any vehicle made by John Deere to go that fast.

State Police in Iowa arrested a driver for going 144 mph. Which is understandable as long as the person was going that fast on their way to get out of Iowa.

A report says Jerry Springer is considering a run for Ohio Governor. If he wins it means Ohio would become the first state to have its Governor’s mansion located inside a trailer park.

A report says Jerry Springer is considering a run for Ohio Governor. His campaign is already being investigated by the government for possible ties to Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.

A report says Jerry Springer is considering a run for Ohio Governor. Why not? How hard could it be for him to become governor if an egotistical former reality show host with a base in the lower middle class has already taken the White House?

A report says restaurants have lost 2% of their lunch business in the past couple of years. Mostly because their usual crowd can’t take lunch because working three part time jobs doesn’t allow them to actually sit down for a meal until 4:00 AM.

A report says restaurants have lost 2% of their lunch business in the past couple of years. Mostly because the typical American no longer has time for lunch with a meal schedule of breakfast, brunch, afternoon snack, supper, dinner and late night 6th meal.

A psychologist says the average person is keeping 13 secrets. Which for men is the number of women they are trying to keep their wife from finding out they are talking with on Facebook.

A psychologist says the average person is keeping 13 secrets. Which is a bit unrepresentative since it is skewed by the 2 Million bank accounts that were kept secret from customers just by the CEO of Wells Fargo.

Shares of Amazon stock briefly topped $1,000 in trading. The sad part is that is more than the net worth of anyone working at Amazon whose name isn’t Jeff Bezos.

United Airlines is being accused of flying an unsafe plane 23 times. Aviation experts were shocked. United had 23 flights that weren’t cancelled?

United Airlines is being accused of flying an unsafe plane 23 times. Those are the flights that if passengers knew what was going on would actually request to be dragged off the plane.

The nuclear reactor at Three Mile Island will reportedly be shut down in 2019. Although it won’t actually be completely out of commission at least until the core meltdown goes through one uranium 235 half-life of another 4.5 Billion years.

Google has released a graphic showing the most misspelled word in each state. Except for Alabama which has a tie with pretty much all of them.

Google has released a graphic showing the most misspelled word in each state. Interestingly enough, only the District of Columbia seemed to have a problem with “covfefe.”

Tiger Woods says his DUI was from a reaction to prescription drugs and his blood alcohol level was reportedly zero. It isn’t known what he was taking since after dropping his 15 mistresses he has reportedly no longer needs the Ambien and Viagra.

Police who arrested Tiger Woods say his speech was slow and slurred. In fact, he was so hard to understand they originally thought they had pulled over Dustin Johnson.

Amazon says it will refund $70 Million for purchases made by children using the Amazon app. The reason the kids had access to the app is because their parents can’t figure out how to actually work an app without them.

A mall that would be America’s largest is being proposed in Florida. It will reportedly have an indoor ski slope, water park, ice-skating rink and 2,000 hotel rooms. And that’s about it since the Internet has pretty much put all the other places usually seen in malls out of business.

A report says ATM skimmers are taking credit card information while being completely undetected. Although most cardholders don’t mind since the hackers are taking less money from their accounts than the ATM transaction fees.

Chicago law schools are considering accepting GRE scores as an alternative to the LSAT standardized admissions test. Although at this point if a student has enough cash on hand they will pretty much accept their GED.

A report says the U.S. teenage birthrate is at a historic low. Mostly because kids are so mesmerized by their smartphone screens they can’t even talk to another human let alone try to have sex with them.

A report says the U.S. teenage birthrate is at a historic low. Mainly thanks to Uber taking away the need for young people to own cars and have access to the traditional place for sex in the backseat.

Surgeons in Canada patched the holes in the stuffed animal for a special needs patient. It’s just a good thing that didn’t happen in the U.S. or their insurance company would have been billed for an additional $34,000.

A study says when leaders are too “charismatic” things don’t go as well. Which shows that things may have been just fine if only Al Gore won the 2000 election.

A study says people have the ability to use smell and vision to detect and avoid those who are sick better than was previously thought. Especially anyone with chicken burrito on their breath they have just seen walking out of a Chipotle.

A study says teenage drinking is at a 25 year low. Mostly because why go through the trouble of getting a fake ID for booze when their parents are too stoned to notice when anything is missing from their stash of pot, opioids and tranquilizers?

A study says doctors have no clue how much ER tests will cost patients. They only have an idea that most of them fall somewhere between “Mercedes Benz,” “BMW” and “beach condo.”

A study says a lack of sleep may cause the brain to “eat” part of itself. Which sounds like the plot line for a show combining “Grey’s Anatomy,” “CSI” and “The Walking Dead.”

A study says athlete’s brain damage can be detected by changes in their conversational language. The progression goes from “premature phase” to “possible diagnosis” to “Terry Bradshaw.”

Bill O’Reilly’s new book “Killing England” will be coming out in September. Which will be followed up by his memoir about his working relationship with the staff at Fox News called “Killing My Career.”

Alanis Morissette’s musical based on her album “Jagged Little Pill” will be debuting in 2018. It is the play where all the men in the audience are advised to get out of the theater during “You Oughta Know.”

The Lakers have set a date for a workout with Lonzo Bell. The team figures if he can work even half as hard as his dad’s mouth he could be a lock for the Hall of Fame.

The SEC is considering an easing of graduate transfer rules for athletes. Which means when they change schools, they will have to have the ability to sign the papers by making their own “X.”

Nike says it will continue to endorse Tiger Woods following his arrest for DUI. Apparently they feel there is no real damage since they don’t make golf equipment anymore and he no longer plays the game.

Jeb Bush says he is no longer interested in buying the Miami Marlins. Apparently he did some research and found the odds of winning the pennant are even more remote than him ever becoming President.

Bryce Harper has the early lead in All Star Game voting. Apparently his charge of the mound against the Giants and punching out the opposing pitcher made him a lock with the baseball fans in the UFC contingency.

The police report from Tiger Woods’ DUI arrest say he missed the heel to toe each time, stepped off line several times and used his arms for balance. Was this a field sobriety test or was he mimicking Jim Furyk’s golf swing?

A study says more than half of all online gamers are bullied while playing. Mostly by their parents who are telling them to quit spending 20 hours a day in front of a video game screen.

A study says more than half of all online gamers are bullied while playing. The question is why would anyone be afraid after being threatened by another online gamer?

A study says more than half of all online gamers are bullied while playing. 22% say it caused them to quit playing, which everyone who knows them says “and the problem with that is…?”

A report says an expanded laptop ban could cover a half million travelers a day. Mostly the fliers having to deal with the people on either side of them on the plane melting down because they can’t play three straight hours of “Candy Crush” on their flight.

Donald Trump is causing security problems giving out his personal cellphone number to world leaders, telling them to call on his private phone. Although he says that will stop once Jared Kushner finally gets all those back channel lines set up.

Donald Trump says Germany’s trade surplus is bad for the U.S. Mostly because they are sending us Mercedes Benzes, BMWs and Porsches and we send back Twinkies, crayons and greeting cards.

A report says former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn’s lobbying firm produced an unfinished pro-Turkey documentary. Apparently he even tried to hide that by claiming it was a corporate video made for the Butterball Hotline.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a great Memorial Day Weekend. I took a four day break and it was good to have a little time away from everything to let the mind rest up. Unfortunately, it didn’t do a thing for the jokes. But at least I am back and am here to make sure you will not be disappointed when you check in for the jokes. At least no more disappointed than on any other day you log in. I just hope you continue to remember to always keep on sending the love!


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