Wednesday, May 03, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says Donald Trump’s budget plan caused Republican lawmakers to brace for war against each other. Which at least gives them a challenge since it has become so easy the past couple of years to win every time against the Democrats.

A report says Donald Trump’s budget plan caused Republican lawmakers to brace for war against each other. Which gives them a bit of a warm up until Trump puts them into actual war mode against North Korea, China or Iran.

Facebook is being criticized for analyzing teenage users’ feelings and selling the information to advertisers. The question is why do they even need to do that? Most teens’ interests in ads are pretty much confined to acne medication, electronic gadgets and fast food.

CNN has refused to air an ad for Donald Trump because it referred to the media as “fake news.” Apparently they didn’t want to air a commercial that might make their three remaining viewers think the “fake news” was referring to CNN.

CNN has refused to air an ad for Donald Trump because it referred to the media as “fake news.” Which Trump will quit saying just as soon as all the cable news channels start broadcasting his alternative facts.

North Korea is threatening the “final doom of the U.S.” To which most people said we already had that last November.

Scientists say that people who are able to hear their own heart beat are more empathetic. Mostly because they are aware of their own mortality every time they feel it stop when they see the latest tweet sent out by Donald Trump.

High end cars and buildings have been targeted by vandals in Philadelphia. Mostly because when you vandalize cars and buildings in the poor end of town, how is anyone going to know?

Some flight attendants are saying that the air in planes is toxic and has caused coughing, choking and gagging. Which passengers can also experience, but only when they refuse to give up their seat on a United flight.

The rock group Eagles is suing the Hotel California in Mexico for taking the name of their iconic song. In an unrelated story, the lead singer of the Doobie Brothers is thinking about taking legal action against McDonald’s.

The population of L.A. has reached 4 Million. All trying to be the first to actually be able to live there and still get out of debt.

The population of L.A. has reached 4 Million. Which means if they double that number there is a good chance the Chargers and Rams might be able to get an average game attendance of more than 30,000.

A surfer was rescued after drifting more than 30 hours at sea off the coast of Scotland. The next time the surfer might want to try picking a country to surf in that actually has some waves.

A surfer was rescued after drifting more than 30 hours at sea off the coast of Scotland. Which is what happens in a country where everyone thinks “MoonDoggie” is the name of some type of ale.

A surfer was rescued after drifting more than 30 hours at sea off the coast of Scotland. Which is why the Beach Boys never did a follow up song called “Surfin’ UK.”

Stephen Hawking says for humans to survive, we must leave the Earth. The only problem is that if we leave it looking like this, there is no way we will get back our cleaning deposit.

Stephen Hawking says for humans to survive, we must leave the Earth. To which some people are protesting, saying geologically speaking we just got here.

Researchers have revealed the secret to honesty, saying it feels better. To which Donald Trump is saying living in the White House, flying around the world on Air Force One and vacationing every weekend at Mar-a-Lago isn’t such a bad feeling either.

Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro is calling for a new constitution. To which Donald Trump says why doesn’t he just do the obvious and ignore the one they have?

Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro is calling for a new constitution. He feels it is outdated, wants to give himself more power and it’s embarrassing that the current one is written on the back of a quesillo wrapper.

A report says New Zealanders are worried about the growing levels of immigration in their country. Which ironically is from the people in Europe and the U.S. who want to leave their countries because of the growing levels of immigration.

A report says people with pre-existing conditions are afraid of what the new health care bill might do. Although the Trump Administration is saying people only need to worry if their pre-existing condition is being a Democrat.

Budget Director Mick Mulvaney says a “good shutdown” would be good for Washington, D.C. Which apparently means more than the congressional breaks during all of August, most of December, the weeks before election and every other week during the year for fundraising.

Amtrak has suspended service in Missouri because of recent flooding. Apparently they are worried about the terrible splash it makes into standing water whenever a train goes flying off the tracks.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin had a phone call where they both agreed the suffering in Syria has “gone on far too long.” Which is when they both agreed the only way to end it is to completely nuke the entire country.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin had a phone call where they both reportedly got along well with each other. Speculation there might still be some tension ended when Trump could be heard saying “No, you hang up first…no, you!”

Hillary Clinton denounced Donald Trump, calling herself “part of the resistance.” The only problem is that she was part of the resistance in November. The part that caused everyone to resist voting against Trump.

French right wing presidential candidate Marine Le Pen is being accused of plagiarizing a speech. Which wouldn’t be that alarming that she stole someone else’s words other than the fact that she was speaking it in German.

A study says moms’ brains get smaller during pregnancy. Just like men’s brains get smaller after they find out they got their girlfriend pregnant and completely forget to ever call back again.

Indian outsourcer Infosys says it will hire 10,000 U.S. workers. Mostly to help train the 100,000 Indians who are coming here on h-1B visas to take even more American jobs.

T-Mobile says it plans to go national with 5G wireless service by 2020. As opposed to AT&T which is hoping to go national with 2G service by 5050.

Next week is Public Service Recognition Week, when people are asked to acknowledge the work of public servants. Which is kind of like how civil service works. Set aside a week for a task that really takes no more than about ten seconds.

U.S. airlines collected $4.2 Billion in baggage fees last year. Although that wasn’t all profit as it cost nearly $100,000 for stickers to commemorate all the countries the luggage went through before arriving three weeks late.

 The U.S. has ended a ban on imported Argentine lemons. The question is why do we need to import them when we have millions of domestic lemons that that are produced every year locally in Detroit?

GM says they are officially leaving Venezuela. Apparently they are more interested in production in the U.S. because of political stability, support for U.S. jobs and knowing when they go bankrupt like in 2009, the government will be right there to bail them out again.

A report says Wall Street bankers are listening less to what Donald Trump says. Which is scary to think Trump’s knowledge of money gets no respect even from the people who took down the global economy.

A Pennsylvania man accused of mortgage fraud was given a new trial when his attorney was seen sleeping in court. Which is ironic as the entire mortgage crisis wouldn’t have happened if federal bank regulators had not fallen asleep on the job.

A Pennsylvania man accused of mortgage fraud was given a new trial when his attorney was seen sleeping in court. Which may have just been a brilliant defense strategy by a lawyer who saw he was about to lose his case.

The CEO of United and other airline executives were grilled by Congress where they were asked by one member “Why do you hate the American people?” To which the executives should have answered with “You first.”

The CEO of United and other airline executives were grilled by Congress where they were asked by one member “Why do you hate the American people?” The executives were insulted, saying their service is just as rude and inconsiderate on international flights as domestic.

A survey says the average American who qualified for a tax refund from the IRS received $2,763. For Americans who didn’t get a refund, the reason is because their job paid them an annual salary of less than $2,763.

A survey says the average American who qualified for a tax refund from the IRS received $2,763. The real question is why are people who making so little money free to show their tax returns but not our billionaire President?

United Airlines is vowing to do better after a passenger was dragged off a plane. From now on anyone refusing to give up their seat will be hog-tied and carried out on a luggage cart.

Puerto Rico has been hit with the first of several expected lawsuits from bondholders. The bad part is that the court refuses to identify anyone who bought Puerto Rico bonds as “plaintiffs,” instead substituting the legal term “suckers.”

The Writers Guild has reportedly reached a deal with Hollywood to avoid a potential strike. The agreement was actually reached weeks ago but the writers decided it would be better to script it with a cliffhanger ending.

A study says ignorance, myths and stigma are still common among Americans when it comes to mental health, with most people not able to recognize or know what to do about anxiety, depression, or alcohol or prescription drug abuse. Mostly because they realize anyone who doesn’t have all those issues in this day and age must be crazy.

A study says the quality of relationships between older people and their adult children may influence their chances of developing dementia. Especially if they have a bad relationship and the elderly parents want to stay mentally sharp to make sure and write their kids out of the will.

A study says worrying can be good for people. Which means Donald Trump’s proposed health care plan may be working before it even gets to Congress.

Alabama head coach Nick Saban will reportedly be paid $11.125 Million this season. Which results in a pretty hefty incentive pay scale of $11.125 Million for each student he graduates.

Jeb Bush says he is optimistic that he and Derek Jeter can close the deal on buying the Miami Marlins baseball team. Although he may not be the best person for the job. The last position he undertook had him investing $150 Million to lose to someone from Florida who spent nothing.

A survey says 84% of players on the PGA Tour say slow play is a problem. The other 16% are still trying to finish up their final round at the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am.

The Head of the European Athletics Association says all records set before 2005 should be wiped out. Which is really not necessary since all the Olympic records are owned pretty much by Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt who set new ones every time they race anyway.

The Head of the European Athletics Association says all records set before 2005 should be wiped out. The sad part is it would wipe out those held for more than a century by the Olympic record holders in the Tug of War, Croquet and Live Pigeon Shooting events.

Facebook says it regrets studying the online activities of depressed teenagers. Although it was more depressing for researchers who saw how much time kids are spending every day on social media.

Facebook says it regrets studying the online activities of depressed teenagers. Especially when they find out they don’t become depressed until they go on Facebook and see how much better their friends are all doing.

Ivanka trump’s new book includes a quote from Jane Goodall, who told Trump that her father’s administration is putting wildlife, clean air and clean water in jeopardy. Although she did praise Ivanka for helping pick a hair color for her dad that brings attention to the plight of the orangutan.

Ivanka Trump has a new book out called “Women Who Work.” Which considering the title and author, will be classified by most book stores as “fiction.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Yesterday, despite being crazy busy for me didn’t stop me from reaching a new milestone. I set a personal best for the number of jokes in one day at 67. Even better, as many as 12 were considered mildly humorous. The rest were grammatically correct. I can’t help it, the Trump Administration just keeps handing me new material every day. I try to balance it out, but when it is handed to you on a silver platter you just can’t stop going back for more. I hope you enjoy the jokes. Feel free to write me any time at jimbarach@hotmail.com. I try to check the blog for comments once in awhile but it is much easier to reach me through my e-mail. You know I always feel my best when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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